Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get over his affair?

We have been married for 6 years... when we first started dating my husband continued to have sex with his ex-wife up until shortly after we were married-- because he has a child with her we still have her in our lives.. I am trying with everything that I have to be over this-- but I am finding that I have become controlling and need to be in control at all times.. how do I forgive and move on-- I really love him and he hasn't betrayed me in 5 years... he is an awesome father to our daughters- 4 and 11 years old, how do I let go so we can move on.. if I don't I am afraid we will be divorced soon!

Honesty and trust is very important in a relationship. I think you should tell your husband how you feel, maybe there is something that he could do to make you feel more secure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tweety11

We have been married for 6 years... when we first started dating my husband continued to have sex with his ex-wife up until shortly after we were married-- because he has a child with her we still have her in our lives.. I am trying with everything that I have to be over this-- but I am finding that I have become controlling and need to be in control at all times.. how do I forgive and move on-- I really love him and he hasn't betrayed me in 5 years... he is an awesome father to our daughters- 4 and 11 years old, how do I let go so we can move on.. if I don't I am afraid we will be divorced soon!

Your husband has not betrayed you in 5 years...
Needless to say that it was not a good thing he did betray you before you were married...

However, it's now so many years down the line and you have not dealt with it.
Maybe it's an idea to talk to a counselor about this ?

You need to put this to closure and I hope that somebody can help you to deal with this issue.

Good luck !

Quote:

Originally Posted by tweety11

We have been married for 6 years... when we first started dating my husband continued to have sex with his ex-wife up until shortly after we were married-- because he has a child with her we still have her in our lives.. I am trying with everything that I have to be over this-- but I am finding that I have become controlling and need to be in control at all times.. how do I forgive and move on-- I really love him and he hasn't betrayed me in 5 years... he is an awesome father to our daughters- 4 and 11 years old, how do I let go so we can move on.. if I don't I am afraid we will be divorced soon!

You have to believe in yourself... this is all about you. Trust in yourself that no matteer what he does in his life that you will be OK, that you are a strong person and a good mother. You are not his keeper and he will do as he please's and will have to answer for his own mistakes. You are living in a hell of mistrust and that is sad. And in doing so you are making his life hell, as well. This will affect your children, because you will be giving off vibes that there is a problem, though they are not sure why. Did he ask forgiveness for what he did? There is nothing wrong with giving someone a 2nd chance... and if he screws that up then you will know what he is and decide if you are willing to accept that kind of man in your life. Don't be a door mat but don't be a prison guard either or he will try to escape. I would say just be a good watch dog... happy, laid back , but watchful. Remember dog is god spelled backwards. Good Luck. Peace be with you

Quote:

Originally Posted by tweety11

We have been married for 6 years... when we first started dating my husband continued to have sex with his ex-wife up until shortly after we were married-- because he has a child with her we still have her in our lives.. I am trying with everything that I have to be over this-- but I am finding that I have become controlling and need to be in control at all times.. how do I forgive and move on-- I really love him and he hasn't betrayed me in 5 years... he is an awesome father to our daughters- 4 and 11 years old, how do I let go so we can move on.. if I don't I am afraid we will be divorced soon!

WOW you must be very strong to let him in your life after you knew he was cheating with his ex-wife. Give yourself credit :)
Of course you are bound to find this hard and trust will always be an issue in this instance because you've been there - done that!

Only you know if you can handle this relationship, carry on with it.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I completely agree. We were married 6 years when my wife first cheated on me... I am still dealing with it 10 years later for several reasons. The main one being that she never really said she was sorry or asked for forgiveness and wasn't really up to making things right... kinda just sweeping it under the rug. Yes, you do not want to be a doormat but you can't be a prison guard either... very difficult because you are the innocent party and you have your own emotions and pains to deal with. Please be careful with the children. They feel and sense more than you know. My kids are older now (16,13 ) and I am getting a sense of resentment from them because of the way I acted from the hurt and anger their mother caused me. Yes, you are strong and can be come stronger. I advise to seek counseling even if your husband is not willing. Good luck!

This thread is OVER a year old. Igman...

Dang it! Thanks again JB