So, my 12 year old son stopped having a bedroom of his own when his dad and wife's second baby arrived. When visiting he slept on the couch until they finished (my son and his dad) the basement for a bedroom. But now wives mom comes to visit out of country and my son is back on the couch for three months when he is over there. It is OK when he is there for a night or two but I feel it is wrong when it is a week at a time. They are well off.. very well off. No I don't seek to even raise the child support which would be off the rocker if I did.. however, I struggle but still he has his own bed and bedroom. But now I found out this bedroom doesn't even have a window. Just a door to the garage and to go up stairs. So now I am feeling he is better off in the living room. All being said, if they can provide a year and a three year old baby a bedroom of their own.. I feel as if they make him feel unwelcome. He already puts up with so much of unkindness from his wife but that is not breaking the law. Need a little guidance. There should be a law for adequate accommodations. Especially, when it is very well within their means to do so.

Sorry... he has a place to sleep. There is no legal requirement for every kid to have a private room with a window. Many familys can't afford it, MANY kids grow up sharing rooms with several siblings, many families its a luxury for each kid to have their own bed. It sounds like you have primary custody... which means keeping a special room just for him when he visits is unreasonible.

Sounds like its you that has all the issues....not the son.

Not sure of a specific answer for you but a bedroom without a window is a code violation for life safety requirements.

I had this problem when I divorced. My ex husband and his new wife built a windowless attic room for my son to stay in. It had a skylight, but was a very old home with outdated electrical, and I worried about escape in case if a fire, and that firemen wouldn't find the room, much less my child, in the chaos of a fire. I petitioned the court to suspend overnight visits until my ex could provide a separate bed for my son in a legal (meaning it had to meet current building codes) bedroom. They had the ability to provide it, and it was taken care of within weeks. I suggest you do the same.

Smoothy it is a code violation and a safety issue. I grew up with five other siblings and shared everything. And if there was a fire.. guess what?? I could get out a window. By law there is a legal requirement.

THANK YOU dontknownuthin... you helped a lot as well as MA0641. Sometimes I just need to know what I expect isn't unreasonable. Because, I strive to be reasonable at all times. Just need affirmation. And also how to go about resolving issues with his dad. I just need a little direction on how to deal with something without making it harder on my son. Thanks.

It may be a code violation where you are, but not in all places.

If I follow you, you are referring to this basement bedroom as "doesn't even have a window. Just a door to the garage and to go up stairs". I would strongly suspect that the door to the garage provides enough emergency egress to satisfy the code. I doubt if the code specifically states a window is required, but rather requires multiple points of emergency egress.

You said; "There should be a law for adequate accommodations. ". But there is. You just stated that it was a code violation. If you are referring to his having his own bedroom when visiting, well the law would be less clear there. If you feel your son is being given short shrift in favor of the new wife's family, then you would need to go back to court and ask the court to amend the visitation agreement to limit the length of stays until more suitable accommodations are provided.

You aren't the one who gets to set the standard to what ADEQUATE Accommodations are in other peoples houses. What you manage to be able to provide , you can't force others to match or exceed. Most children are asked to give up their rooms when adult visitors come....its a matter of respect for ones elders...most of us might not have liked it at the time...but we all put up with it and we all, well most of us anyway...understood why when we became adults.

Your own post clearly expects he have his own private room....which is not a legal requirement in any part of the country. Yeah its nice to have..but its not legally required. Most families can't afford houses or appartments with more bedrooms than they absolutely need.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family...nt-636920.html

Wonder what your son goes through with all this bickering between you? Sooner or later these digs over anything have to stop, and you both can be better parents instead of trying to control each others households, and make each other miserable. Best interest of the child seems to be a matter of personal whim, and an excuse to make each other jump through hoops.

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And also how to go about resolving issues with his dad. I just need a little direction on how to deal with something without making it harder on my son. Thanks.

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You can expect him to resist any resolution or order you propose no matter how reasonable you think you are and at some point you resolve your issues by stopping the drama of imposing your reasonable and what you want for your on him. Sorry, but a part of your solution is less orders to do it your way. Recognize that's why you are divorced because you couldn't work together in the first place and things have gotten no better.

It's none of your business what he can afford and how he lives in his household with his family and HIS son. I mean does he tell you how to run YOUR house? Come on, you can't talk together, so leave each other alone and stop those DEMANDS, and stay out of court until those resentments you both have are resolved. Until then there can be nothing but high conflicts for the next 6 years just like there was before.

Not to be harsh but that's what you have been writing in ALL your posts, and the reasonable thing to do if you really have safety in mind is more smoke detectors and not a window to jump out of in case of a fire, because he "can afford it".

Back off! Perpetrating more of the same fighting, and button pushing is not a resolution, or reasonable. What are you BOTH teaching your son? Its surely NOT being reasonable.

In my state a room needs to have two points of exit to qualify as a bedroom. The basement room has that. I imagine the living room couch also has at least two if not more exits. There is nothing that says a child has to have their own room for overnight visitation. If you want to know what the code is in your area you can contact a number of offices in your area and they can tell you very quickly and easily.

How can a bedroom possible be required to have two exits? Never heard of such a code in my life, or seen such a bedroom.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

How can a bedroom possible be required to have two exits? Never heard of such a code in my life, or seen such a bedroom.

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In my area that is the code. 2 exits. A window and a door would be considered 2 exits.

Right. A door and a window (is the typical form) or two doors leading to separate areas covers the two exits required to count as a bedroom.

Arguing over a room we have never seen, and have no clue where it is, amongst posters is pointless, and off topic. The question was how they can communicate better with less conflict.

Talaniman, the question is not about communicating with less conflict - she is asking about he reasonableness if a bedroom which apparently does not meet code.

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And also how to go about resolving issues with his dad. I just need a little direction on how to deal with something without making it harder on my son. Thanks.

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The root of the problem. A sleeping bag in the living room would be my compromise, until a better one can be reached. That seems better than an expensive room remake to meet code just because mom SAYS he can afford it. Or a pull out sofa. REASONABLE???

The kid is 12, not 2. Boys love sleeping bags and pallets. Coparenting requires communicating to compromise and reach resolutions that work best for all, within reason. Now what's wrong with that?

That's fine occasionally. But if the child is there regularly, and the father is able to accommodate long-term guests, he can provide proper accommodation for his child. The other option is that he doesn't have his mother stay for months at a time.

Dad's mother is his son's grandmother. Nice time to bond with his elder and exes shouldn't interfere with the flimsy excuse of "safety issue". Mom should lighten up.

I still think "MOM" needs to dial back the attitude a few notches. Her little boy isn't a Prince... and he's not royalty. And acting like he is, won't be doing him any favors, kids raised like that are always ill prepared for life in the real world when they become adults... and find out nodody really owes them everything they have come to expect. Thats a serious about face to have to readjust to suddenly when they move out.

There is a well established pecking order in in civilized cultures... as long as civilization has existed... The Elders are at the top... the kids are at the bottom... its called paying your dues... and at some point they are going to be the adults. And getting the respect from the younger kids they showed their elders in their youth.

I bet she wouldn't be very happy if DAD tried to micromanage every aspect when SHE has the son.

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I bet she wouldn't be very happy if DAD tried to micromanage every aspect when SHE has the son.

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