I have this fear of being on top of my boyfriend during sex.. I am belly dancer too which its not about my moves but of him looking at my body which I have never been fond of. He has been very patient w/me & always tells me loves me & my body. We have tried but I do not feel comfortable which makes him uncomfortable... but I am dying too... every time we have sex I avoid it & just do the usual positions. Not to mention I have a hard time having an orgasm & all my friends tell me it's the best position to get one. Any advice?

Good sex is about being relaxed with your partner. If it makes you uncomfortable, it is hard to be relaxed.

On the other hand, not wanting to be on top is extremely rare in my experience. It appears to me to be true that it is easier for women to climax on top. Reverse cowgirl is probably the best.

Well, if you are a belly dancer I wouldn't imagine your self-esteem to be low.

Apparently it is however. The thing you need to work on is realizing that he is so engrossed in the feeling down below that he is not noticing your every flaw like you are.

I know exactly what you mean! Do it in complete darkness. Hang dark things over the blinds if you have to. Your boyfriend will probably enjoy helping prepare the room for "maximum mysticism." When you have successfully done it on top in complete darkness, light a candle in the far corner of the room.

I see..?

Ever do it with out the lights, or by candle?? Blind folds are always fun, eh?? ;) I will break this whole sex thing with a bit of a downer. A person can tall some one that they love them, but can they show it? And no I'm not talking about sex, that is showing of love, but there is sooo much more too it. Gental caressing, cuddling, just looking. All very Key to the reality that love is more than just sex, or gettting what you want. It's about showing apritiation. Maybe you need to let him know you feel this insecurity? Then again as so many do say, What do you want me to say, or do? Personally I know what to do, show the person I Love how I want to be loved, and be open for them to ask anything, and be willing to try just about anything, with in reason of course. Remember Relaxed is the best and only way.

May love-kindness be with you.

I understand your concern I feel the same way, but part of it is not the insecurity it is laziness. When having sex and your getting so much attention put on you the attention is put on him when you get on top. You have to do the work. It is selfish but true. Try to start the sex and give him all the attention, as he might you, then you are already in control of the situation and it flows into you having control and pleasuring him. The result is good for both of you.

I had a fear of being on top, too.

I tried it with my husband once, and not only did I feel like I was going to break his penis off, I felt like I couldn't get an angle and it would pierce my vaginal wall. I was nervous and stiff as a carp!

Fortunately, there are many, many ways to have great sexual relations. :)

Think about it this way... he likes you the way you are even if you might not.

On top you can do exactly what feels best for you and trust me... for the average guy, we love it. Our hands are free to do... well use your imagination a little for that.

If you do anything that's going to hurt he will tell you, trust me.

Well mixed feelings on this one.

Woman on top can be a powerful position for many as you have more control over the rhythm, pressure, and angles that you get stimulated. For ex, my partner likes the feel of missionary, but just doesn't reach orgasm in that position. Like ever.

Woman on top is much better for her. The "row the boat" motion of woman on top can be very different than the man's action when he's in control. Your cl!toris is somewhat away from the action... now that can be good because strong, direct overstimulation can feel uncomfortable for many... but you still need a way to get the pressure where you want it, when you need it. Woman on top is one way to possibly do this.

Also, ill say this now and you can choose to do whatever you wish... but self stimulation during intercourse can also be a great way to push yourself over the top. Yes... the first time you do it you might feel uneasy. OK. But seriously... you are naked, you are having sex. Exploring your body Isn't against the rules. If anything when I see my partner self stim during sex I don't think "i must be doing something wrong"... I think "shes into the moment and isnt leaving the bed without an orgasm"... fantastic. So you are getting in your own way. Its OK. It happens.

Please at least keep this in mind. More than one lover I've had was open minded enough to not be embarrassed to self stim, or ask for me to stimulate her with a wet finger during intercourse... and the results have been great.

So why did I say "mixed feelings" if I think it's a good position? Because great sex begins in your mind. If you cannot lose yourself in the moment you are going to have problems releasing. All the "right" stimulation given to my partner won't get her there if she has mental blocks in the way.

Period.

So... consider what others have mentioned. If a darkened room helps you for now, fine. The idea of being blindfolded or blindfolding your partner can introduce another level of sexual tension (the good kind). But in the end, you need to work your way toward being more comfortable in your own skin.

There are other positions that might work for you, but again, some might require you to self explore and let go of some anxieties and shyness.

So don't beat yourself up mentally about being shy. But don't just accept that you cannot work your way out of it. You might not be able to get the release you seek by taking the top position if you aren't mentally comfortable... but that's where you need to start to enjoy the moment.

I love being on top, I can control the movement, the tempo and direct his penis to
My most pleasurable places. :) Take it slow at first until you figure out what you
Are doing, practice makes perfect. ;)

There are lots of other positions to try, don't be afraid to experiment. If you really
Hate it then cross it off your list, but you won't know until you try.

Have fun, and remember, unless you want to become pregnant, use birth control. :)

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

I love being on top, I can control ....

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Now why doesn't that surprise me at all...

:D :D :D :D :D

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Originally Posted by magrock

i am belly dancer ..//.. him looking at my body which i have never been fond of

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You mean not fond of him looking at you or not fond of your appearance?
If it is him looking : Why is that? What holds you back there? Why otherwise do you belly dance?
If it is your appearance : Why do you belly dance at all?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by magrock

... i have a hard time having an orgasm & all my friends tell me its the best position to get one.

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That is true for many women, as on top - facing his toes - includes the stimulation of both clitoris and G spot, with you in control of most movements. All it requires is that you spend some energy on it...

The suggestion made here by several to darken the room etc. is a good one. Try it.
And foreplay, foreplay, foreplay, and more foreplay...

:)

Just want to point out, Credo, that belly dance is a good way to build self-esteem--but it's an even BETTER exercise program. Belly dance is NOT for wimps.

I love dancing raks sharki, but NOT for a performance. I go to my classes, and practice at home, but I don't perform for some of the same reasons--I don't like people staring at my body.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Just want to point out, Credo, that belly dance is a good way to build self-esteem--but it's an even BETTER exercise program.

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I accept that without any queries. I have seen belly dancing many times, and know it is real work! My "home director" confirms that too, as she was also long ago in belly dancing also !

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Originally Posted by Synnen

I don't like people staring at my body.

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But does that also include your own partner watching you dancing? Don't you like him watching you? If so, why?

:)

Creden- I have a very weird personality... lol I love to dance & I do dance in front of him not necessary belly-dancing but I dance in front of him & he tells me I wish you can do that in bed... I think once his "thing" gets in me I stiffen up. I think I just have to just keep practicing like most posters have said.. I am not a tiny girl so I need to position myself knowing I will not crush him... lol

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Originally Posted by magrock

... i am not a tiny girl ...

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Good belly dancers never are, is it not?

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Originally Posted by magrock

... so i need to position myself knowing i will not crush him ...

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That brings pictures in my mind... No... No... NO!! LOL


:D

Ha ha yes bellydancers usually are curvy & meatier... OK I did not mean crush him because I am not that big but he has been used to skinny lightweights who can just jump on him... lol I am not like that I need to sit up if you know what I mean... he has told me before what girls in the past have done & I just can't... which is why I think my insecuruties come from but I do a lot of others things his ex's have not done so its all equal I guess.. lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by magrock

i am not a tiny girl so i need to position myself knowing i will not crush him... lol

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Bwaaahahah... :D

Reminds me of a scene from the movie Road trip where the really underweight white geek goes to bed with the rather amply porportioned Black girl. If he survived that you have nothing to worry about.

Girl... Who care what he did with past partners? Make this about you NOW! When I am on top I don't sit up lean toward him let him have your breasts, rub your monds on his. DONOT ever think about what someone else did with him make it better now with you. I am not a small girl but not like that smoothy visual either, I have never had my husband complain he begs me to, put your knees under your thighs next to his legs and your hands by his head very little weigh on him:)

I can't imagine a belly dancer thinking their body is bad. Most use their body for personal gain by performing dances. So something is just not adding up here. Get on top and ride.

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Originally Posted by magrock

i have this fear of being on top of my bf during sex.. i am belly dancer too which its not about my moves but of him looking at my body which i have never been fond of. he has been very patient w/me & always tells me loves me & my body. we have tried but i do not feel comfortable which makes him uncomfortable...but i am dying too... everytime we have sex i avoid it & just do the usual positions. not to mention i have a hard time having an orgasm & all my friends tell me its the best position to get one. any advice?

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It sounds like you are not comfortable with the way you look. Which means that you can't be comfortable when he looks at you. I bet he thinks you are beautiful though.

This is something you need to work out, though it sounds like he would be willing to help you. I had body image issues up until my last partner when it finally occurred to me that if he enjoys looking at me then there can't be anything wrong with me. My being on top was his favorite because he could see me.

You don't necessarily have to be on full display the whole time either. You can start in a more sitting up position then try laying down ontop of him when you feel uncomfortable. This worked for me until I was finally able to come to terms that there isn't anything wrong with me.

Another thing you can try is where you lay on your back and he lays on his side. It's a little bit hard to explain but once you'll try it, it will seem obvious. He will still be able to see you, but you won't feel so much as on display. This can also be a good position to climax in as he has more access to help you.

Always, always, always discuss your fears and concerns with your partner. That way he can help you and both of you can evolve in your love life. Work on loving yourself, and realize that he has no problems with what you look like. Hey, your naked and wanting to be with him - most men are thrilled! ;) We women spend too much time worrying about our looks (which in moderation is not bad) and comparing ourselves to others.