Originally Posted by imation
i know its long and will be hard to read sometimes.. but please be patient... its important
maybe 'parenting' isnt the perfect category to be in, but its the closest i could find. it also has another use.. a lot of parents will read this and i could really do with a parents perspective.
ill start by telling you my story.
when i was born i wasnt what you would call a 'planned' birth, but less and less kids are these days. i lived with my mother and father - defacto relationship - until i was two, when my mother and i moved in with my grandparents. from here we moved into a house with my aunty, just me, mum and her. as far as i can remember.. my dad would pop over maybe once a week, sometimes once a month... im not really sure i was too young to remember, but i didnt get the impression i didnt have a father so i guess he was there at least some of the time. when i was seven it was again moving time, my mum and i moved into a house, just us this time. i remember dad would come over this time at least once a week, mum and dad would fight sometimes... they would yell, I hated my dad... i would tell my um this ever night when he came over and she tucked me in, i didnt want him around... i can't remember why. me and him never talked, i felt shy around him, i never knew what to say, we never had a very good relationship... i couldnt be myself. In year 7 or around then, i started to get strange dreams that i only recently realised was because of this fighting... the dreams werent 'dreams' really.. just built up emotion trying to escape i think.. i remember everything would be calm and my head with quiet whispering and sometime wimpering voices would talk to me, then all of a sudden there was screaming and loud noises and my face was cringing and i would start to run(in my dream) i could see anything, but i knew i was running, after a while i started to like the dreams and try to force myself to have them. but anyway, moving on with the story... dad was present in my life continuously until year 9, i was 12. he told me he was going to fiji to see someone, a few weeks later he showed me a picture of her, yes her, and said this is my friend that im visiting... later that year he went there and married her. my mum told me that he had never actually met her before. anyway, dad came home and the awkwardness enhanced ten fold. months went past and i found out from my grandma that his wife was only an immigrant trying to get into the country, and accused him of rape just to stay in the country at least until the court case was over. (it was absolute bull if you were wondering)
ever since then... i can count the number of times ive seen him on one hand. he doesnt call, he doesnt come over. i only see him if my grandma has an xmas thing and he happens to turn up.. at which point we say hi how are you then ignore eachother for the rest of the day.
i dont know if i even want him to call or come over... im not sure if i want him to care... i dont know if he secretly does or if he misses me or if he feels as bad as i do about the tyness of our relationship.
he plays guitar, and this year i started too, and i want him to be proud of me for that... but i dont think that he'd care.. and i know that if i told him he'd say "oh yeh, thats good". no seriously thats what he'd say...
my dad is a man of few words to say the least, he keeps to himself....
i dont know what to do now or where to start on my road to getting past it... all i know is that i can't keep feeling like this...
please help