Girlfriend "probably" wants to marry me. Or does she?
Been with this girl for 3 years. I've had 2 previous g/f's but they meant nothing to me. This is the first girl I've been with that I've ever truly loved with all my heart. Things have definitely been far from perfect, but we've worked hard on our relationship and she says she loves me 100% as well. Im 22, she's 27. Things were fine until she went back to school for another degree. She wants to go out a lot more with friends than she used to, which I don't mind at all. But now there's this other guy that seems to have caught her attention. She says that our current issues together have nothing to do with him but I don't think so. She's been helping him with his problems (hes 19) such as stopping him from becoming an alcoholic, and with school work and stuff. She's been talking about him constantly and its making me crazy. She says he's "just a friend" but the other day she exchanged a usually friendly hug with him that ended turning into a weird sign. They hugged longer than usually, she tells me, and they didn't fully pull away, but rather looked into eachothers eyes and she said she felt "butterflies" in her stomach before getting away.
This makes me feel so hurt inside, but I keep telling myself she's just confused right now. Her stepdad walked out on her and she has no family other than her mom, she has serious issues with my family. Now she's got this college trip planned to go out of state on a ferry, to go to a job-related conference. And guess who's going with her? Him. She said its for students who are in the program only so it would be dumb for me to go. Other people are going, but she is going with him alone and meeting them there, and she is staying an extra day with him there because her "mom doesnt want her driving home at night." She told me she got two rooms that are connected by a door for them, and he's paying for everything, that ****. She told me that he said to her "Ill be just a knock away hehe."There's also a night club in the hotel, which I told her flat out I don't want her going there. This guy has said to her in text messages (he claims to always be drunk at the time) that if she was in front of him right now he'd bang her so hard etc. etc. he's a big guy with big muscles (steroids imo) and a 2 cent brain.
Ive tried telling her how uncomfortable I am with all this, and she just says oh your just insecure, I love you. Am I? Just last week he sends her a cell phone image of his penis. She tells me he's really big but she wouldn't be interested in something that big because it would hurt too much, plus he's "got too much baggage in his life right now" (he went drunk driving a week ago and hit a pole, so she drove him to school). I tell her she is being disrespectful to me and my love for her by not saying anything about it except "oh, i just thought it was funny how pathetic he is" to me. Nothing to him. Nothing.
Now she's telling me that she's afraid to marry me, definitely doesn't want to at this stage, even though I've already got a ring picked out for her. She doesn't kiss me like she used to, she won't make love to me anymore because she's afraid of "an accident happening".
I love her so much, I can't function anymore. They are going on this trip next week, and I was hoping to at least take her out this weekend to prove to her how much I love her. And what does she say? Oh my frined kim wanted a girls night out. Well I said that's BS and we should go out together this weekend, and if they meet us there then fine, but I want to be with her. SO as of right now, we "might" go out tomorrow together. Another thing she asked me is if I would be mad if she kissed some guy in a moment of stupidity, would I break up with her? I said yes I would and she says I'm stupid then, that it would just be a stupid mistake for her to do that.
She says she's jumped from 1 relationship to the next, and now she feels trapped with me, even though she loves me and says in time we will get married and have children, which is all I really want. I moved here 4 years ago, I have NO friends here but her, I don't want to involve people at work or my family and I have no one to turn to. My heart feels like its going to burst out of my chest. I can't work, sleep, and I've stopped eating healthy as of late.
Im doing my best not to be so weak with her. I said to her, if you cheat on me in any way shape or form, then I'm leaving you forever. She takes offense to that and she thinks I'm being way too overbearing and insecure. She also said to me just last night that a priest once told her that its not cheating unless you are engaged or married. She also said that she heard somewhere that should she do something with another guy, she should just do it and not tell me and just get on with her life with me. She says she doesn't agree with what those people said, but then why would she say it to me? Then she says she won't cheat on me, she promised me. Then she says she's just so confused right now and hurt about everything that's happened in our past and what's happeneing with her step-dad and she needs me to be strong for her and that she thinks I am probably the one for her.
Im afraid to lose her, but if she cheated on me I know I would leave her for good. Better to be single and miserable than in a relationship with a slut, if that's what she is. I just can't figure it out. She says she loves me, wants to "probably" marry me someday, that she's just got a lot going on right now and that she needs me to just give her a little space, be there for her, and all will be well. I don't know what to tell her any more. I am emotionally shot. Should I act now, wait till she comes back from out of state, or what? Should I tell her its OK to date other people and, if you figure out that you truly do love me, then we can get back together? Should I call her a slut and ditch her for good? Right now I'm thinkning I will just let the chips fall where they may, and if she does cheat on me in any way when she goes out of state, Ill call it off and tell her what I think of her. Is this a good idea? One last thing, she said to me today on my lunch break that she wishes she wasn't feeling this way right now, she wishes that everything was OK with me and that she could Committ to me, and get these "dumb" thoughts out of her head. I'm so lost confused.