How to forgive and move on after such a betrayal
I have been with my husband since I was 24 and we were married at 26 (in 2007) and we are now 34. We have 2 boys, both under the age of 4. On August 22, 2014 my husband sat me down and told me that he was caught video-taping my younger sister taking a shower in our bathroom the week before. He disclosed that this was not the first time that he did this. He was caught during the summer of 2013 by a different sister (I have 3 sisters, all of whom I am VERY close with). The first time he was caught, my sister told my father, who sat down with my husband and the 2 of them decided not to tell me. My husband said that the camera was a gift and that it was a onetime thing, and that he was just curious. However, he when he was caught again my sisters and father said he needed to tell me or they will.
My husband sat down and told me that he had done this 5 times over the last year. That he never kept any of the footage and that it hadn't even worked 2 times that he had tried. That he was very sorry and that he wanted to keep our family together. He said it was never sexual but that he was just curious and that he enjoyed the rush of doing something taboo and wrong. I kicked him out of the house and took 2 weeks to try and process everything. This was a complete blindside to me as I had always thought we had a happy and fulfilling marriage. He promised that it would never happen again and that he would get help. He went to 6 months of therapy up until January of 2015. We have had countless conversations about what he did and I have tried my best to forgive him but I have struggled. I do not understand his motivation behind his actions as well as I do not trust that this will not happen again. More than anything I am struggling to move forward.
I have been raised Catholic, I was married in a church and I attend church most weekends. I have never believed in divorce, nor have I ever thought it would be an option for me. However I am torn between keeping my family together for our 2 amazing boys, who deserve a happy home and staying in a marriage that makes me feel like a victim of sexual abuse. I also want to believe in my husband, as I have always thought he was a good man, and I believe in second chances. My husband says that he never thought he would get caught, or what the ramifications would be once he was caught. That is was a private thrill ride for him because he was feeling overwhelmed by the restrictions being a parent of small children. We have been dealing with many sleepless nights over the last 4 years as well as our relationship has taken a back seat to raising our children, but for me I always thought this was normal and it would get easier once our children were a bit older. Through his therapy he said that he has realized how he dealt with things the wrong way and how he needed to find a healthy release for any issues that he faces. He also realized that he needs to work on his communication as he keeps things bottled up inside most of the time. One of the things that I keep going back to, is the fact if he did struggle with feeling restricted by having kids (and he has always been a great dad) then why didn't he talk to me about it, his wife. I have always been open and understanding with him and this hurts like a dagger to my trust. He says that I was always busy with the kids and he did not want to burden me, which makes me feel like he makes excuses for his behaviors and lays the blame on me.
Help me move forward. I hate being hurt and angry and keeping this secret...