I can't see a way out of this
I'm so unhappy. I don't love my husband anymore. He is a good man but he gets annoyed easily and sulks. He has a short fuse with our eldest son who is in his 20's. He can be a bully unless you stand up to him.
He lost his job two years ago and has only been able to get a few months work during that time. He is working on getting a permanent job but he refuses to discuss it with me as he said it's bad for his mindset. He said it doesn't matter how helpful or positive or encouraging I am, he just gets angry if I try to discuss it and if he gets nervous it's going to damage his confidence going for interviews.
He won't allow me to discuss it with a friend because he's terrified of anyone finding out. He's always been controlling and he's worse now. He refuses to go for counselling. He seems cowardly to me.
Recently my son left his retainer behind him in a café we went for a meal in. He left it wrapped in a tissue. My husband berated him for leaving it behind. Then my husband complained to me and told me to wait in the shop for him while he ran to the café to check. My husband came back 5 minutes later and said the table had been cleared and the waitress said it must have been thrown out so my husband just left without even asking the waitress to check.
He then complained to me for 5 minutes about how stupid our son was to leave it behind and how it would cost hundreds to get a replacement retainer. I said we won't be able to get one till after Christmas and our son might have to wear braces again. My husband then said well I don't care, I'm not paying for them. I knew he didn't mean that. He was just venting but I'm sick of him complaining when something goes wrong and not being able to sort anything out anymore.
I then ran around to the café and explained to the waitress how valuable and important the retainer was. She checked the bin and found it, still wrapped in the tissue. When I went back to my husband he was relieved but didn't even acknowledge that I had sorted it. Even my son, who can be quite wrapped up in himself, thanked me and said I had saved Christmas.
My son told me that his friend said I was just as nice and friendly as his own Mom but that it was such a pity that my husband was so cold and formal. I knew this about my husband but it was a shock that a boy in his 20's would notice and comment on it. My son told me that his friends can relax around me but feel a bit tense around my husband.
We went for counselling years ago and it helped but that was my husband at his best. Now he doesn't want to go. I still feel an attraction for him occasionally but most of the time I feel like more of a sister to him. I find it very difficult to respect him these days.
He is still very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me but doesn't show me much affection and I know it would break him, especially now when he doesn't have a job, if I wanted to split up. My sons are still in college so I don't want to upset them. He also has a large family and I have sisters and I know they would all be devastated if we split up. I feel so trapped. I even told my husband that if he gets a job it's not going to magically fix everything.
To be fair to him, he's trying hard to get a job. He's doing the grocery shopping, cooking for all of us and has now even started to clean the bathrooms and put on clothes washes. I should still love him but I just can't. It's gone.
Now I've fallen for someone and I know he is attracted to me but he is a family friend and would never go behind my husband's back. Also he is much younger than me so we could never have a relationship as he deserves a proper family life and to have his own children some day. Not that he even wants a relationship with me. I'm sure he just wants to sleep with me if even that.
I think if I could sleep with this younger man I could get him out of my system and maybe then I could work on my relationship with my husband. At the moment I'm obsessing about this younger man and I don't have the energy or will to work on my marriage. I think part of the reason I'm obsessing about this younger man is because lately he has been so kind to me and has even tried to help me with a project I've been working on. I have begged my husband to help me with this same project before but he said he didn't find the project interesting enough to help me.
My husband is considered very handsome and can come across as confident and friendly but this younger man is actually very plain in appearance and is very shy and reserved but he is so kind and caring and has more compassion and maturity in his little finger than my husband and most other people I know. I'm much more attracted to a man's character now whereas when I met my husband years ago looks and being made a fuss over were all that mattered to me. I'm also very lonely and starved for affection.
I know I don't come across well in this letter and I'm sorry about that but I'm trying to be honest and share all the facts. If I sacrifice myself at the altar of my husband I'll keep everyone happy but I will be miserable. If I split up with my husband and/or sleep with this younger man I might be happy but everyone will hate me and I'll still be miserable. Whichever way I turn I'm going to be hurt and possibly hurt other people too. Please tell me how I can be happy without turning everyone against me.