My son's father and I have lived separately for about two years, sharing custody pretty evenly. We do not have a court order, just an informal arrangement which has worked fine.

Since moving out, my ex has lived with his brother in a 2-bedroom apt, so when our son is with him, they share a room. My son is five. My ex is starting a relationship with a new woman. It has been a long distance relationship for about five months and they decided pretty quickly that she would move out here (completely across the country) to be with him. (Note, she has been married for 12 years and is left her husband within the first month of connecting with my ex online).

So... she will be here by June 1st and they expect that all three of them, she, my ex and my son will share a room during their time together. OK, so there are so many red flags here, right? But my concern is that this huge transition into my son's life is going to be confusing enough - that I'd like them to let him sleep at my house until they find a larger space where he can have his own room. They say they are on the look out for such a place, but they will NOT agree to my suggestion.

So - what's the right perspective? Am I being a control freak by voicing my concern about the three of them sharing a room? It just feels so wrong to me. He says they will not have sex while my son is there... but I don't believe him. And even if not... is it creepy to have that sleeping arrangement considering that my son does not know this woman at all? When I approach it, my ex just chocks it up to me being jealous, or controlling... jealous no, controlling maybe.

But... really? As a mom... what's the right thing to do?

HELP!

No, you need to go back to court and talk to the judge. You need to tell him the situation. There is no way that a 5 year old child should be sharing a room with an adult of the opposite sex, unless it is the child's parent, even then it is not healthly for a child of that age to share a room with their mother or father. You are not being jealous, or over reacting. I would never allow those kind of living arrangements for my child and I am sure that any parent in your shoes would be acting the same way.

As a mother I share your concern.

The idea of sharing Dad is a big one right off the bat,compounded by sharing such an intimate sleeping arrangement is a bit much for a child to grasp.

She sounds flaky anyway to drop a husband and hook up with someone at the drop of a pin.Weird.

OK, thanks for the response. But, we've never gone to court, so I would first have to initiate a legal custody arrangement I guess.. I have always tried so hard to keep it friendly and informal because I know that the way we relate to each other is a big influence on our son. If I start court proceedings, I'm worried that things will get real ugly, quick. But... I am going to set up a consultation I guess...

I would talk to a lawyer first, to voice your concern. I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to involve the courts. You don't want to deprive the child from his father, but you need to make sure your concerns are addressed. I would not allow that to happen with my child. They are too young to be forced into a situation like that. It will probably confuse your son as well.

I also agree with artlady when she said that this new woman sounds flaky to drop her husband and hook up with someone on a whim. Espically when she met him on the internet.

I would be very concerned if I were in this situation.

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Originally Posted by ANB428

I would talk to a lawyer first, to voice your concern. I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to involve the courts. You don't want to deprive the child from his father, but you need to make sure your concerns are addressed. I would not allow that to happen with my child. They are too young to be forced into a situation like that. It will probably confuse your son as well.

I also agree with artlady when she said that this new woman sounds flaky to drop her husband and hook up with someone on a whim. Espically when she met him on the internet.

I would be very concerned if I were in this situation.

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I know... it's so creepy. She was out here once, so I've met her briefly and she was surprisingly articulate and sensible... but I'm sure she was on her best behavior. It's hard enough for me to be comfortable letting her move in as a parent figure to my son, you know? I think you're right - I'm going to move forward with an attorney. If nothing else, I'll learn about family law and have better ground to stand on in my arguments.

Thanks again for the perspective! I don't know why it's so hard to trust my own intuition with things like this... he and his friends declare that it's my own insecurities and I actually start to believe them.

No, THIS situation has nothing to do with you being insecure. It deals with your parental intution kicking in.

Trust your instinct MotherBear.

As to the new woman, if she were so sensible and articulate, she'd not be agreeing to the sleeping arrangements.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to expect that they would understand this, and if they don't, you'll need to find out what your legal options are.

I don't think it says too much for your ex either. He should be able to see not only your point of view, but the arrangements as being not in your son's best interests.

I totally agree with you on this one.

No No No don't go to court, as a mother and a step mother when my husband and I got together we had known each other for a long time but I never met his son and when I did finally meet him my husband and I were not married at the time and we were living together and his son slept in the same bed w/ us and it was all OK I think that you should just give everything a chance and see how it all plays out and it sounds a little to me like jealousy?

I disagree completely with Casey30. Your values are not wrong. Your son is too old to be sharing a bed with his parents, much less with parents plus their partner to whom they are incidentally not married. I would object if my ex husband's girlfriend even slept over with my son in a different room - it's the wrong message to my child in my view, and my view counts as relates to my child!

Talk to your lawyer about getting a court order eliminating overnights until your son has his own room at his father's place. If they are looking anyway, it shouldn't be an argument. If they are arguing about it, it's because they don't intend to follow through!

I agree with everyone else because a real women would wait for a better chance to move in after the child has his own room.You have the rite to feel how you do and I don't even have kids but it's common since and they are wrong!

Going to court and "taking away" overnights is not your right, even as a mother. You can make all the suggestions and requests but the bottom line is that it is the child's father's choice as the decisions he makes when exercising his time with the child as long as the child is safe etc.

However, that being said, I am a mother and step-mother. I think it is very inappropriate to have all three people sleep in the same room given your son's age. If you can't have an adult conversation with your ex about the emotional safety of your son then you may have no other choice but to go to court to at the very least get something put in place saying that your ex must provide your son with a bed for him to sleep in by himself during overnights. Then if you can get that in place and your ex doesn't make the proper arrangements you can take him back to court for breaching the order.

If he's a good dad and you talk to him and keep it very focused on the child and not him and the new woman, perhaps even suggesting he discuss this with new woman as you are sure she will feel the same way that it isn't appropriate (make it sound like you already like her and think she is very reasonable). I find that works with my ex to help me get my way!

I am in a similar situation as a 'step'mum. I have been with my partner for 2 years. His children live 5hours away and were only introduced to me after us being together for 18mths. I thought that this made sense so we knew that it was a long term, stable relationship. As he has the children once a month so far away he has a hotel. We were going to all share a family hotel room but the kids mother has stopped visitation rights unless I have my own room. I think it is fine for me to sleep in the same room when we are in this holiday situation but when they stay with us in our home they will have their own rooms. It mirrors normal family life... holidays are fine to share but home equals their own room. Any views?

I don't totally agree with Nikita. You don't have a court order so you can tell him that once she moves in your son is not going to visit over night until you DO have a court order saying that your son does have to do the over night visits.

OMG I am going through the same thing. My ex husband has a girlfriend long distance. She is up for the holidays and is sleeping at my ex studio apartment. He wanted my 10 year old who just met her for the first time today to sleep over. No doors the bed is in the middle of the room and my son would have slept on the couch. Well I said "HELL NO" I have full custody and think that is just way to weird. My ex is very selfish and has a hard time thinking about anyone else but himself. Go with your gut feeling. He thinks I am a hugh jerk. Awww like I give a rats ***.

Why don't you ask a couselor instead of going to a lawyer..! Lawyer is about money and counselor is about morals and values!!

As stated by Judy, it's not true that lawyers are all about money. Lawyers in this situation are about getting a court order so you can prevent improper situations for your minor child without breaking the law in so doing.

You can certainly petition the court to suspend overnights with the dad given that an unmarried individual of the opposite sex has moved in, is in an intimate relationship with the father, and is sharing a room with both the father and minor child.

You likely cannot stop the father from entering a live-in relationship but certainly any judge I know would consider it reasonable that if the father chooses to do so, at the very least he must provide a separate bedroom for the child.

Get a court order and stick to your guns - it's a ridiculous situation and your child should not be in it.