Ask Me Help Desk - Who was rude?

It happened at a good friend’s daughter’s 8th birthday.
The visit before the birthday my friend had talked about her daughter’s hair and how she couldn’t get it to do anything and it always looked messy because the daughter wouldn’t look after it. So I figured I would get her daughter some hair things for her birthday, the daughter and I have a pretty good relationship and I thought maybe if I showed an interest in her hair she might start looking after it a bit better.
I bought her some hair clips with butterflies on them and some funky headbands. I realized this wasn’t much of a gift, so I pulled my old hair straightener out of the cupboard, cleaned it and put it in the bag with the other things. This straightener had been used maybe ten times, it’s got curved plates, variable temperature and is wet-to-straight, it wasn’t cheap and you can still buy it in the shops, so it’s not as though it’s a crappy straightener. I only didn’t use it anymore because I got a new one that had a hotter setting for my think hair.
The birthday comes, we get there and I give the daughter her gift. She goes mental dancing around, she is so excited to get a straightener!
Later on, my friend is telling me about the other gifts her daughter has received. I said I was glad I had brought the straightener for her, that she was so happy about it. My friend then snaps “You didn’t buy HER that straightener, you bought YOURSELF a straightener, TWICE.” I was speechless. The conversation moved on to something else and nothing more was said about it.
It’s still messing with me, was I rude to give the kid a used straightener? Remembering that this kid is 8 and it’s a $100 straightener. Or was my friend being rude?

I think it's a bit tacky to give a used gift. Even to an 8 year old. It doesn't matter that it was a $100 straightener, what does matter is that it was used. Doesn't matter that it was used 10 times, it was USED.

While I think your friend went a little over the top, I also think you were being tacky by giving a used gift.

So, you get the point... never give a USED gift.

Used gift tacky. Next time ask the person over and say I have this <whatever> would you like it. Second - your friend needs to understand what you were doing. Take her aside and talk to her. Explain that her child is only 8 and loved the gift.

This is a perfect example of overthinking a situation and acting on impulse. Were you rude? No. Was your friend? Yes. Was your friend in the right? Yes.

A simple phone call before the party to ask if the daughter would like a hair straightener would have been polite, considerate, and still given the child all of the delight when she got it.

Her mom likely would have been the one to suggest an old one, the child is eight, after all. The point is that it's the Mother's call to make.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SecretLove

I said I was glad I had brought the straightener for her, that she was so happy about it.

Semantics may be at play here. If you actually said BROUGHT instead of BOUGHT, there might be a difference.

But even so, the better thing to do would have been to give the mother a heads-up first.

I'm putting together a gift of hair stuff for your daughter's birthday. Some of it is new stuff I've bought, but I'm also including some stuff I no longer use, that I think she can make use of.

Then if she asks what, you give her details and explain what you have done to sanitize them.

Thanks everyone. I obviously didn't think the situation through properly. I thought since I'd bought the new hair clips and stuff which cost about the same as we usually spend on gifts for friends, that the used straightener as something to actually open and get excited about would be okay, sort of like a bonus gift.
I was talking to my friend today and they've been straightening her daughter's hair every second day since the birthday so at least it's being used and enjoyed.
And yes I speak properly ScottGem, I definitely said brought, I made no pretence that it was new and told the daughter after she'd opened it that it had been mine and why I'd gotten a new one.
Thanks again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SecretLove

It happened at a good friend’s daughter’s 8th birthday.
The visit before the birthday my friend had talked about her daughter’s hair and how she couldn’t get it to do anything and it always looked messy because the daughter wouldn’t look after it. So I figured I would get her daughter some hair things for her birthday, the daughter and I have a pretty good relationship and I thought maybe if I showed an interest in her hair she might start looking after it a bit better.
I bought her some hair clips with butterflies on them and some funky headbands. I realized this wasn’t much of a gift, so I pulled my old hair straightener out of the cupboard, cleaned it and put it in the bag with the other things. This straightener had been used maybe ten times, it’s got curved plates, variable temperature and is wet-to-straight, it wasn’t cheap and you can still buy it in the shops, so it’s not as though it’s a crappy straightener. I only didn’t use it anymore because I got a new one that had a hotter setting for my think hair.
The birthday comes, we get there and I give the daughter her gift. She goes mental dancing around, she is so excited to get a straightener!
Later on, my friend is telling me about the other gifts her daughter has received. I said I was glad I had brought the straightener for her, that she was so happy about it. My friend then snaps “You didn’t buy HER that straightener, you bought YOURSELF a straightener, TWICE.” I was speechless. The conversation moved on to something else and nothing more was said about it.
It’s still messing with me, was I rude to give the kid a used straightener? Remembering that this kid is 8 and it’s a $100 straightener. Or was my friend being rude?

Your friend was RUDE and has an inflated sense of entitlement. Her daughter is gracious and I hope does not eventually take on her mothers pettiness. If it was used by a stranger, like you bought it at a garage sale or thrift store, it would be different. You don't want to use a personal product when you don't know where it's been. But a friend of the family? Chill woman slash diva!:rolleyes:

Your heart was in the right place so you should not feel badly about it. It was overall a generous gift, but I suppose it is not entirely socially appropriate to give a used gift, particular if it's a personal care item.

It's not that giving the item was wrong, but it would have been better if you'd not wrapped it up for the birthday. More appropriate would have been to just wrap up the new items, and then if you wanted to also give the flat iron, just bring it unwrapped and tell her, "this is just something extra - it was mine but I rarely use it and I thought you might enjoy having it." That way nobody can accuse you of passing off an old item as a new gift, and you also gave new items wrapped up for the occasion. Shouldn't matter, but well - I guess it does.