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My husband of 14 years and his ex wife are really good friends. She has not dated in over 21 years, and really never wanted to get married. She does not care about her looks, and often is embarrassing in her clothing. My problem is that my husband is her caretaker. He will giver her money for clothes, speaks to her nightly, confides in her, sends her food baskets, and feels that there is nothing wrong with his actions. I feel that he is not loyal to me. How do I accept this relationship?
[QUOTE=gailgirl;1622940]my husband of 14 years and his ex wife are really good friends. She has not dated in over 21 years, and really never wanted to get married. She does not care about her looks, and often is embarrassing in her clothing. My problem is that my husband is her caretaker. He will giver her money for clothes, speaks to her nightly, confides in her, sends her food baskets, and feels that there is nothing wrong with his actions. I feel that he is not loyal to me. How do I accept this relationship?[/QUOTE
You don't except it, the things he does for her, he should be doing for you! You deserve to be treated better and it sounds to me like they are still best friends. I'm sorry your in this situation, you deserve better!:(
He is VERY VERY generous to me... and we live a wonderful live... 2 homes, european vacations, cars etc. I get so much more than she does, the issue is how does one accept her husband doing for his ex wife after all of these years... as she has never had any success in any career and lives a simple plain life and seems to be content...
So he gives you material things while he gives her everything emotionalQuote:
Originally Posted by gailgirl
That he spends so much emotional time with her, the relationship would bother me too.
I can see helping out with the food baskets and money for clothes, which are nice gestures, and it sounds like she could use the help.
But, it's almost like a payment for services in that his reward is talking to her every night, and confiding in her.
He should be confiding in only his wife, and your feelings should be considered valid by him, and he should just stop it. I can see phoning to see how she is doing once in a while, or perhaps bringing you along for the odd visit, but to exclude you, and have this relationship with her is a bit much in my opinion.
He never got over her. How soon after the divorce did you two meet and start dating? I'll bet it was rather soon. Give him an ultimatum. One wife, no more. If he cannot let go then you need to let him go back to her.
Has he done this throughout your entire marriage? If so, were you aware of how he took care of her before you got married and was it discussed? Or is this a more recent occurrence?
Well, have you told him how you feel?
You need to be very clear and try to not come across as jealous.
It is fair enough to ask him to lower his amount of contact with her.
But it may be a thought to try to see this as a testament to his good nature.
This woman sounds a little desperate and lost, to be honest. He may just feel sorry for her.
This woman sounds a little desperate and lost, to be honest. He may just feel sorry for her.[/QUOTE]
Uh-uh.. No man is going to go through this as a nightly ritual with any woman he feels sorry for! That's a woman's makeup, not a man's unless he's getting more out of the deal. It is nice what he is able to do for her, but he needs to define where he stands with her. You either accept it, or it's hells naw, dude!
I don't understand what you are trying to say here.Quote:
Originally Posted by ninahhhdreams
So what your saying it that men are unable to feel? They can't do nice deeds unless they are getting out of it? So what your saying is most likely he's having some type of sexual relations with his ex?Quote:
Originally Posted by ninahhhdreams
I don't if you're a man or woman but they're men in this world that do goods deeds without expecting nothing in return. Maybe you haven't came across one but they're out there.
That's fair seeing that I started to comment on the thread, but stopped to address what you said. Well, what can I say. Instead of breaking it down and risk losing you further, just reread it. It's all there... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by neverme
Uh-uh.. No man is going to go through this as a nightly ritual with any woman he feels sorry for! That's a woman's makeup, not a man's unless he's getting more out of the deal.
It is nice what he is able to do for her, but he needs to define where he stands with her. You either accept it, or it's hells naw, dude!
"I don't know if you're a man or woman but they're men in this world that do goods deeds without expecting nothing in return. Maybe you haven't came across one but they're out there."
liz28 Wow! you should really check your tone!! You are right, you don't know what I have come across and dealt with, seen my friends through, read and heard about, but I do know no man is going to continually do this for a woman AS A NIGHTLY RITUAL without getting something out of it, whatever that something is is yet to be defined. Could be mental, physical, or emotional. Note, I never said men do not do good deeds and expect nothing, they are just not going to be a fool like that. Even the nerdiest weakling will eventually read the tea leaves and keep it moving.
Case in point, after reading these comments, I polled 10 men ages ranging from 52, the oldest, to 26, the youngest, and although Cody, the 26 year old waifed with his answer, "Ah, yeah, ah sure a man would be there... " after about 2 minutes of talking in circles, even he concluded, as the other men had said, they would NOT continue with a woman like that, unless feelings were still involved, or had something going with her( the other woman)... So not just my opinion here. And oh, if nina isn't obviously a woman, then liz isn't obvious either. :eek:
Im just curious, why attack my comment when after all, someone did ask a question and in an attempt to help, many of us provided personal opinions... hmmm:rolleyes:
To Gailgirl,
You haven't mentioned the possibility that he's having a sexual relationship with her, in addition to the other things he does.
Is that possible do you think?
I think the emotional abandon is enough. I think you are being emotionally cheated on, but when we are talking about an ex-wife, you are going to have to give him the ultimatum or accept this situation as you will not interfer in this emotional relationship. It's fairly similar to a mother/son relationship. Accept it or leave.
Cheating can also be emotionial and not just physical.
A good partner will always put into consideration how you feel about their actions.
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