I have a son, currently 9 years old. Last year, when 8, he told us (my wife and me) that he wants to be called a girl, and insisted on wearing girly things. We have complied with all of "her" requests, but are not sure just how far to take this, and we are open to suggestions. I have taken her out to stores to get panties and other girl things like skirts and stockings, etc. However, the ONLY panties she will wear are really sheer or sexy ones, the kinds that her mom and sister love wearing. I have gotten her more conservative panties, but she refuses to wear them and I often find them in the trash. She has sleep overs with boys from her school. She starts at night in frilly nighties, but by morning, she is sleeping totally naked and in the same bed with the boy, who by then is also naked. Where do we go from here? What do we encourage or not encourage? I should mention, I guess, that she is a really beautiful girl, very effeminate in all ways. When taking her out to stores or whatever, people have no idea at all that underneath she has male genitalia. Should we start her on female HRT? What do we do now? Thank you for all serious answers.

I should have mentioned in my question that we live in the San Francisco Bay Area. Here, if a boy indicates he wants to be a girl, it is encouraged. In fact, often, if it is discouraged, it is considered as abuse by some.

I can start by objecting to sleep overs with boys. That's too much like giving permission to explore sexuality, and 8 or 9 is to young for that in my opinion. How old is "her" sister? Was she too also sleeping over with boys in grade school if she is older? While I give a lot credit for love support and acceptance, guidance is still your goal as a parent, no matter the gender identity. That means rules of good behavior and boundaries, yes and even consequences for bad behavior.

Political correctness doesn't count when there is NO Good Orderly Direct when it comes to discipline and structure that's appropriate for "her" age which doesn't sound like the maturity level of your child. I apply that suggestion to all kids that age. What does your wife think?

I agree with Tal on all accounts. This issue doesn't trump rules and structure. If one of my boys threw something away that was bought for him, he would have received a consequence.

I don't really understand this issue very well, but I echo the kudos for the love, support, and understanding. Best of luck!

He is a he, not a she, and you should start there.

At 8 they are or should not be sexual anything.

A parent needs to be a parent and not helping with mixing sexual people in bad. He, if he things he is a girl, does not go to boy sleep overs for sure. And not sharing bed

You are only helping HIM with gender insecurity. HRT at 9? By doing that, you are an enabler. "

we live in the San Francisco Bay Area". Isn't it wonderful there?

Thank you all very much for your answers. Someone asked what my wife thinks of all of this. She is very much into it, and is enjoying having a daughter instead of a son. They do girly things together, like doing make up, selecting what dresses or skirts each should wear that day, etc. If I start calling my "daughter" by male pronouns or by her male name, not only will I have a serious temper tantrum on my hands from her, but also from my wife. It would not be a pretty sight that would likely lead to serious marital problems. Lets see, to address other answers: my bio daughter is a couple years older. My girly boy daughter does not seem to be having a gender identity crisis. She very clearly identifies as a girl and not as a boy. If fact, she is eagerly awaiting the time she can start growing breasts. That is why I asked the female HRT question. She has always, almost from the moment of birth, enjoyed girly things and rejected any masculine things. I know what you mean by the boyfriend sleep overs, but I do not think it has a thing to do with anything that is sexual. I'm still having a time on how to deal with all of this, or where to go from here. I don't see that I have a lot of choice, so I have so far done my best to accept and even encourage.

Who does that to a 9 year old because that's what they want? It will take years of counseling before that should happen. Has the counseling been done? At least get some actual EXPERT medical opinions and educate you and your wife before embarking on such a drastic course.

I disagree totally on those different sex sleep overs,

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She has sleep overs with boys from her school. She starts at night in frilly nighties, but by morning, she is sleeping totally naked and in the same bed with the boy, who by then is also naked.

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Would/did you let your oldest daughter do the same thing with boys? Any gender mixing with kids of the opposite sex (That should be ALL KIDS REGARDLESS OF GENDER) has to have a proper level of adult supervision and guidance including brothers sisters and cousins. Naked kids in bed is unacceptable, anywhere for any reason. BOUNDARIES! You and your wife need to be on the same page about the rules.

Just to clarify. Nobody said anything at all about sex. In fact, I made it clear it is NOT sexual. It is just cuddling.

Just cuddling? Do the parents of these boys that sleep over know about this “cuddling?” If not, you might have some serious problem when they find out. And they WILL find out. Nothing sexual? I’ve delivered babies to 9 year olds. In the morning after these sleepovers your son is naked, as is/are the other boy(s). Are you really that naïve?

HRT is impossible without a doctor’s order, and that will involve intense counseling.

Who ever is doing the sleep over, has a large legal liability about this "snuggling" It is a dangerous sexual area and the parents of the other children should be warned about this.

The parents who are allowing a child who does not understand life, to do what they want are really bad parents and a mother has a son, not a daughter and she appears to need counseling along with the child.