Why do people call me fake... what is fake...
There are so many things that people want, I for one want things as well.
But lately I've questioned things because I feel that the posibility of me faking what I want is just around the corner. That sounds weird, but I often ask myself what do I really want... when I hang with friends, I constantly question everything I say in my own mind, things like " was what i said fake," or " am i being judged as being Fake?". I like to be a nice person, and smiley. I also feel like I can't agree anymore because the second I agree I am held to that eternally. For instance, One day I noted a certain girl I was attracted to, my bud, who likes different women, advised that only certain woman can be really beautiful. From then on, I decided to take on his theory, and moved a different route in women I was attracted to. Whenever I saw a girl that met that criteria, and even if I wasn't entirely attracted to her I would remark to myself, " wow shes hot" and a lot of girls were hard to converse with because I was always looking at a girl sexually. Personally The kind of girls I like are still the same but I feel like when I see certain girls I should be attracted to them, when in a lot of manners I could just tell myself I'm not attracted to them and whatever. Still to this day its hard to talk to girls I like but that's out of question. More and more things I changed about myself because I felt the things that I liked were not good enough... the way I talked, the way I sat down the way I played video games the way I do martial arts, and all of this was because I didn't stand up for the things I really adored, and liked.
This is where all this ties. By the way, I really wish to respect women and that's how I was raised...
This year I've been trying to find the things that I once was, and because I changed things that I liked solely because I was being judged kills me. I am brittle scattered and down about it. I want to be me, really but I am scared that ill just break down to this pattern again someday. I want to stand up for myself, But when I make a really big deal about something does it mean I'm fake?because I get anxious about my answers and I don't always have an answer if ever, does if mean that I'm fake... please give me some insight...
