Originally Posted by Not_alone
This October, I will be turning 19 years old. During my whole life, I've never felt like I've ever had a father figure ... ever.
When I was 9, my parents divorced, and a year before that, separated. Custody was given to my mother and I lived with her throughout the years.
Basic rundown, my father is much older than most. My parents are 25 years apart, at the ages 50 and 75! So, needless to say, my dad is very old fashioned. He raised 3 sons before me, with another woman, and they too are all getting to be in their upper 40's.
On top of him being ... well ... old, he has always been very abusive to me. He's never hit me, but he's also never said one kind word to me. All my life he's only badmouthed my mother, telling me things like "she's nothing but a whore, and you're turning out to be exactly like her" - "your mother is nothing but a fat slob and a liar who deserves to be taken out and shot in the head, and you should go out with her!"
Along with that, he has always called me bad names as well, and constantly puts me down. He says I will never amount to anything, and that I should be thrown into jail because I'm a young adult who hangs out with my friends, no less.
There's so much he's said to me, that it would take 3 pages just to type it all down. I've tried talking to him about how he makes me feel, but it's like he doesn't care. He always tells me that my opinions don't matter, and that I'm always wrong. He also constantly reminds me that he has "disowned" me, and that the rest of the family, on his side, despise me.
It's very hurtful to hear these things, and feel as if he doesn't love me. I don't have ONE memory of ever doing anything with him as a family, or even a kind word when I've done something "right".
He also cashed in my trust fund that was meant to go towards my college educations, so now I have to save up all by myself. I graduated highschool at the age of 16, and have been working ever since to get a car, and gather money for school. I'm by NO means stupid, but he always tries to make me feel that way.
I feel as though he hates me, and for the longest time, I've felt that too. Hate is such a strong word, but how can I feel anything else for someone who has never showed any amount of love or affection? How can I not help but feel hatred for someone who considers me a disappointed, has never been there for me, his own flesh and blood, his daughter, and tells me that he wishes I was never born?
I've debated trying to go see a psychologist, but I can't afford that. I have no one to help me out, but it's a real wear and tear on my emotions and mental being.
His health is not in the best of conditions, and it won't be long before he passes away. I do not want him to leave this earth thinking that he hates me, because all I've ever wanted was a father who would love me, and there could never be anyone to replace him.
There has not been a birthday, father's day, or Christmas that I've forgotten, to at least call him up and wish him a happy day, or to send a card and present.
It really makes me feel like I've failed as a daughter, because of what he says, even though I KNOW I'm not a bad kid, and never have been.
I don't know what to do. I feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it in person, because I don't like to cry and I know I would. It's so hard to explain things to other people and have them understand the hurt you feel.
If anyone has any suggestions, I would be extremely grateful to hear them. I don't want to hurt anymore because I feel as though my own father never loved me ...