Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

I need some clarity & advise, please.

Ive been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. Never experienced that before.

We are both successful artists, I am 10 years older. We spend most of the time together, but sometimes apart for weeks at a time. The distance has been trying, but we have made it work and the time together has been amazing and special & unique.

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesn't want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time. In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape. Then became super driven.

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I don't want to lose her. She's says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this. She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just don't know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

Thanks for listening.

What a really sad situation to be in. For sure, reading the stickies at the beginning of this forum, will give you some insight on how to start the healing process, and learn to be patient with yourself, as it will take quite a while, and some hard work on your part, to even get started.

There is a link in my signature to help you find them. It won't be easy, but we can answer questions, and let you vent and rant, and provide some support for you doing this terrible time.

We have all been in your shoes at one time or another. Some of us quite a few times so we understand, and your not alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She is a very narcissistic person & is obsessed with fame & fortune. Is heavily into "The Secret", self-help, and is extremely career driven.

Obsession with fame and fortune is usually because of a lack of love in the home as you described. Someone feels the need to get it elsewhere but also at a distance, so they can turn it off and on without really committing to it. Ironically enough that’s what long distance relationships are kind of like. You can have someone there but not always be there for the downs, just the ups.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She is always flip-flopping about where she wants to be & what she wants to do, but knows she wants to be the best at her talents.

In other words she has no idea what she wants. She may want to be the best on the job, and perhaps even in a relationship, but she has no idea how to do that. So for her the best is a relationship at a distance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

This has made it extremely difficult to make any concrete plans together, although we love each other.

You love her. You can never speak for someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She broke up with me over the phone a few days ago & says she doesnt want a relationship, wants to be single & needs time.

She is lying. She has had 5 years, she doesn’t need time to figure it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

In the same breath, she says she loves me, and I am her best friend, part of the family and wishes to remain friends. She comments on how "amazing" I am.

She’s telling the truth. You are amazing. You’ve put up with inconsistent behavior from someone who isn’t always around for 5 years. You have done more than most men would do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I have spent countless hours on the phone & otherwise supporting her with patience and love. She says "Cause thats what boyfriends do"

And girlfriends who truly love and understand love appreciate, recognize, honor, and are truthful repay that back with the same. Your ex is not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

From what I know about her past, she has never had anyone true, mostly flings & bad relationships, in fact I was the only one that has met & spent loving times with her family.

I don’t know, I’m just asking but did she just have flings and bad relationships in the past or did she just have one long fling and bad relationship with you. The reason I say that is, again a long distance relationship is kind of like a fling with the same person over and over again. Was this really a healthy relationship? It doesn’t sound like it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She comes from a selfish and dysfunctional broken family. Mom became a lesbian and sister became a prostitute, drug addict during her teenage years. She went traveling around the world after that for 5 years to escape.

I don’t think she ever escaped. You can’t go looking around the world for a solution to a problem that inside of you. Many people think the solution to all their problems are “out there” and go looking for the answers but never seek them. All your problems are solved from within, and you don’t need to travel the world to do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Then became super driven.

There’s nothing wrong with being driven, but I wonder if that drive was not for success but rather a distraction to all her problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I am really in a lot of pain & have told her that I was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her & emotionally pleaded to make things work, and that I dont want to lose her.

This was a mistake. You never beg a woman after she dumps you, because then she knows she can take as long as she wants and you’ll still be there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Shes says its too late needs to do this & be single. She says that in time she will be able to truly explain why she's doing this.

What nonsense. She says she wants to be single, yet will tell you later why she’s doing this. More inconsistent behavior. After someone invests 5 years they deserve the truth and they shouldn’t have to wait for it. But the truth is, this behavior is the same as it’s always been.

From the usual woman perspective it’s also a way to keep you holding on to hope. You pleaded with her, so she’s in no hurry to return and this game gets her some attention and gives you false hope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She even tries to give me advise in healing, while saying she wishes the she could take all of my pain.

I wish she could to. But that really doesn’t matter at this point because she’s the cause of it. So it’s in your best interest to get rid of the cause.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel now, I am out of site, out of mind & devastated as I have been so loving and supported and have been instrumental in where she is. She has also reinforced her love right to the very last week.

Women let themselves out of the relationship emotionally before they dump a guy. That is exactly what she did here. Furthermore, I’m not sure she was ever as committed as you were. To me this reads like she had you at a distance but was never able to commit fully to the relationship anyway, because she can’t fully commit to herself that she is able to actually love someone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Now I can't sleep or eat. I feel like I just dont know what hit me or will ever get any answers.

So you’re going to lose some weight for a couple days. Good for you. I’m not trying to make light of your situation, but I want you to see there is positive in every situation. Focus on those positives. From small positives come bigger ones. As for lack of sleep, don’t force it. Get out of bed and take a walk. Get a gym membership and completely push yourself so you’ll be tired.

This is a temporary feeling and it will pass but you can move it along faster by taking positive actions for yourself.

As Tal says, you need time to recover. The more deeply you let go, he faster and more complete the recovery. Get to a gym. Modify your approach to your art. Take some classes. This is tough, but everyone gets through it somehow, and some people actually learn great things because of moments like yours right now.

The person you describe has a relationship disorder. She is looking for magic to solve all her problems, and since she won't find it, will always be disappointed, restless, and unable to just be with her mate. You are built differently. You need to couple with someone who can have the kind of relationship that will fulfill you.

Let go of her, and let go of any idea about having made her successful, or having invested so much in the relationship. You have already taken the loss. She is unable at this time to be grateful for what you have done for her. "Unable" means that no matter what you do, she is still stuck with her life view, and her survival strategy.

No one will deny you the realization that this sucks. But you own your internal processes. Work it out in the best ways you know, and work on taking strides in your new life.
Tao

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her & don't want to give her the opportunity to find out. That's destroying me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks for the insight.
I guess that I am worried that someone is better for her

To be honest, the person better for her is herself. She has no idea who she is.

But what about you. Why worry about her, you deserve better then she gives you and now you get a chance to find that person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

dont want to give her the opportunity to find out. Thats destroying me.

The sooner you can let her go, the sooner someone better suted can come into your life.

She says that this is the hardest thing she's ever had to do in her life. But still makes me feel like she would rather find out if there is something better.
She is anamored with successful photographers, artists and such and Im scared that she wants to play the field to be close to that.

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I am tortured with the thought of someone else being in her arms or bed.
Someone that is in the same city.

We all go through this. It sucks to think about them being with someone else.

I realize that. But can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when I told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

I realize that. but can't help feeling like I was now just a stepping stone to get into something better. Like some sort of practice. Even when i told her how I was afraid of her having someone else, she got angry & said how that was untrue & disrespectful

Those feeling will pass in time. It happens to all of us. And I'm going through them right now. And I've been through them before. It just takes time. With time you will care less and less about it. You will not worry so much about her being with someone else. You'll just remember the good times you had with her. It sucks big time there's no doubt about it. But there's only one way through. And that's simply through it.

Lonelyandbroken, for some reason your new posts aren't showing unless they are repeats

You are really in love. But you must have to be strong and to start been in charge of your emotions and life.
It's very painful, is true, but in order to get what you want you must have to make her FREE give her the SPACE she needs to experience other people in order to validate your relationship. THIS IS KEY, Sometimes woman don't want a man that are "to much into them". Let her totally free, it is the only way she may come back to you. Go outside and visit places, friends and family. You may be missing something wonderful that life has for you. Thake care and be strong.

Thanks, I am in love and have a hard time just turning that switch off as easliy as she is appearing to do. She is traveling to attend a family event that I too was supposed to attend & was looking forward to seeing her there as planned. Makes me feel like crap. Her Birthday is Monday & said she would call me then when she returned. Not sure what more I can say to her. My knee jerk is to give love, but don't want to seem vengeful by not. Im not that way. Feels terrible. All I can think of is that she is getting consoled and supported by her family that this the right thing for her.

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. Appreciate the thoughts.

Ok, I think you should make her think about you and to miss you. Specially in "special times" Give her the "present of freedom". BE STRONG.
This has nothing to do about you giving love. I think you already gave SO MUCH love. Remember you also have to love yourself

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks lonelyandbroken, Im sorry that you have to feel similar pain. appreciate the thoughts.

Yeah it sucks. But I've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And I concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And I have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if I could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. Difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks, I guess Im just not there yet. Feel paralized and so unsure. difficult to focus on anything else. Work, chores, etc..

This is normal trust me. I know how this feels all to well. It feels like something has been ripped from you. That nothing seems worth it. And your mind bounces from thought to thought and you get nothing done. It takes time. But try to do stuff to keep your mind off it. Just try to do some new things. Some things that you enjoy. You'll make it we all will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lonelyandbroken

Yeah it sucks. But i've been there before. Just take it a day at a time. Try to pick up a new hobby.(I'm trying to learn guitar). And i concentrate on my family. I try not to think about things that upset me. I cut off contact.(had one slight slip up). And have just been trying to avoid the drama. She's making her own choices in life. And i have to do what is best for me. I can't force anyone to be with me and even if i could it would be fake anyway. I'm just going day by day.

I think you make a point. You can not force a woman to stay with you. I think you are doing geat great! I'm glad you choose to love yourself, so you learned the lesson and next time things are going to be much better for you.