Talking to daughter about my past.what's appropriate?
I've been struggling with this for a while now, and I am interested to hear the opinions of other moms. I am quite sure I can't be alone in this.
Let me just explain, for context, that I was a very different person in my youth, back before I married and had children. I am sure many others can relate with that. It's not that I was a bad person, but... let's just say I was not the sort of young person that I brought my own children up to be (if that makes sense). I am quite proud of my own kids, and frankly, I'm proud to have reared children who don't have the same "issues" and hang-ups that I had when I was younger.
Ya know... as I type this, I realize that I should probably just be straight-up honest here about what I'm talking about (being that we're all anonymous and all). Honesty would probably be helpful in eliciting the kind of input I'm interested in. So, I will just say it: I'm talking about sex here. I was a rather promiscuous teenage girl and young adult. As a result, there were traumas in my life (a date rape, a teenage pregnancy, etc. - all the stuff they include in Lifetime movies of the week). Many of these events are things I haven't even thought about consciously in many years, and frankly I'd like to push them comfortably back to the back of my mind. But, more and more lately they come up to the forefront of my thinking.
So, back to what I've been struggling with...
My daughter is 18 years old now, and we are very close. I'm happy to say that she is healthy and happy and not at all like I was, and she is in her first "mature" romantic relationship. I adore her boyfriend, their relationship is very sweet, and I definitely approve in every way. No problems there.
However, since she's been reaching her adulthood, the two of us have naturally become more like "friends". We spend lots of time together and talk a lot. We always did that throughout her life, but it's somewhat different now. It's particularly different now that there's a "man" in her life, and that naturally takes conversations down a different path that the talks we had when she was a child. It has made things somewhat awkward for me at times, though, because I find myself censoring my conversation. We're now touching on subjects that are somewhat "sore spots" for me, and I don't want things about myself to come spilling out of my mouth and shock her. Thus, I often hesitate when we talk, or sometimes I start to say something and then think better of it, and a couple of times she has definitely picked up on that. She's said, "Hey...what were you just about to say?" And I will say, "Oh, nothing, nevermind..." And it goes like that.
So, lately I have been thinking a lot about maybe just sitting down and telling her all about my youth. Just put it right out there, get it out in the open. I sometimes think she's "old enough" now to know about these things. But then... I think to myself, "Why do I want to tell her all this anyway? Is there really any benefit to her knowing? Or am I just selfishly looking for some sort of catharsis for myself, a kind of confession that would make me feel better but possibly be traumatic for her?"
Although I've always been close with my daughter and we've always had a good relationship, I have always kept the perspective that she is my child and not my friend. I've tried very hard over the years to keep that line clear. As a single mom, I've tried very hard never to lean on her for friendship or companionship, as it is not her job to support me emotionally. In other words, she can come to me with her problems, but I don't dump my baggage on her.
So I guess that's what I'm trying to sort out right now... Am I just feeling a temptation to start "unloading" my own stuff on her, now that she's older? Or is there any real benefit to her, or to our relationship, if I share my past with her? If it's good for her to know these things about me, then I don't want to be guilty of "keeping secrets" from her or censoring myself every time we talk. However, if it's not good for her, then I don't want to be guilty of crossing the line and weighting her down with my issues.
That's the question, then: How much is appropriate to share with a child who's reached the beginnings of adulthood? And why or why not?
Any opinions?