I have been more of a reader than a poster. But I know to get honest help I have to ask an honest question. I recently found out by accident that my husband of 13 years was unfaithful to me. I felt like something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. (Unlucky 13 right?)
I have let myself go during our marriage as in I have gained a lot of weight & I'm not modern at all. We work a lot and haven't had much activity in our lives in several years except eating out, and I know that makes it sound worse. We get along in personality but he hasn't touched me romantically in a long time, and when I complain or try to sweeten the pot to get something out of it - it helps but not really. He'll say "this weekend" and it's like I get taken to the candy store, and the door is locked.
So, of course, I blame myself. I have read so much in the past couple of weeks on this topic, and I realize that it's hard to stop this train once it's on the tracks. And now I question at a minimum in my mind everything he does, who he is talking to, who he is talking to when I'm not around, who he is having lunch or dinner with (sometimes he has to work late or says he does), and or even if I have to run errands I wonder what he is doing.
After learning of the affair, and all the wonderful things he gave her and did for her and activities that he did with her I felt that ending our marriage was the best idea.
I don't want to be with someone that can be that was so unhappy that he pursued someone else (and yes even though he tried to make it seem like she came onto him I know him and I he was the culprit). I just don't let him know what I think for sure. I just listen like I'm absorbing all of it. I know if I say oh that bitc* - he'll just play right along with that - and why let him off the hot seat? I am not married to her. But during their entire affair he was married to me.
And here's the thing. If someone - woman or man - wants to be with someone else - there can be no reason why they don't tell me (the spouse) unless it's because of money and/or family. Because otherwise they would leave - eh? Right?
I have really given this some thought mind you.
And truth be told regardless of money and family responsibilities I want a man that wants only me. I get that I am possibly not that desirable right now (and especially in personality too after all of this), but I could find the old me again I think. Right?
Anyway, I was more sad than angry. He begged me not to leave but we have a company together (I can get out of that), and we could be friends (and unrelated family) after I heal some (I think), but my gut really says that his entire focus is what he will lose in assets between our joint assets, retirement accounts, company accounts, family (don't wantto go into that here), etc. and he got away with it before and why can't he just do it differently next time?
It's not that I think once a cheater always a cheater. I just think that once that romance is gone, and joy has been found with someone else? Why would you want to work on something that seems almost insurmountable? In fact, I would like to have some of that fun and joy that he had. That freedom to spend time with someone else and have my worries melt away.
I know it's 2015 now not 1955 and times have changed, but I'd rather be solo than have an open marriage I think.
I guess my question is are most people cheating these days? And how are you handling it on either side? Or is this too broad of a question?
And as for the AP (I read they call it "Affair Partner") she's married herself, and I think they had a plan to both leave their marriages, but I suspect that she was much closer to her door than my husband. However, if I made this break happen - I think he would do it.
And I actually can't blame her. I know some articles say yes blame her too. But many say don't. My husband is a charmer. Funny. Good looking. I'm fat and look like a blimp. She wears contemporary clothes. I wear elastic waist band pants. She wears a belt. I know this sounds like a country song right? But based on the wooing he has done with me since this came out? I can only imagine what he told her, and even the truth if he told that wouldn't paint me in a "beautiful" picture - you know?
Actually there is a song out that says "I got your first kiss; she got (gets?) your last" and I think I feel like that honestly. And how on earth could I ever be romantic again because to know my husband I would think he had to have some feelings for her or even BIG feelings for her and so would he be thinking about her?
I read one article that said that spouses that are unexpectedly caught or even the ones that tell on themselves go through a horrible but silent grieving process because there is no one they can tell, and I actually don't even want to think about that happening. The whole thing stinks.
I'm a good person don't get me wrong. But I'm just saying maybe we just grew apart, and a part of me just feels I need to work on me and get my smile & happiness back - not get it back because he is going the extra mile to cover his tracks and to make up for his choices/decisions - and ones that he could easily repeat again.
I think it would be pitiful for me to use the excuse of I can't do it on my own to stay with him. And besides all of these personal reasons? I want people to be happy, and I just don't think a husband is happy if he was that unfaithful to me.
And for the articles that I have read where someone (female or male) has been unfaithful more than once? I think that doesn't even need a post - DUH.
Thanks all if you read this far. I guess I'm just talking to myself today. It's rainy here, and my mind is wandering down my life path looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
PS. Another thing? I'm embarrassed by this. I know it's him that did this but let's face it - if I had taken care of myself, and if I had enjoyed us more the damage might not have gotten this far. I learned after this came out that he had also had a couple of e-flings (is that what they are called)? And I just think all of that combined there is no way he will be happy with me regardless of what he says he wants/feels. I think just writing this I am fairly certain I know my decision.