Hi, I need advice on a decision I have to make about moving upstate NY. I currently live in NYC. I have family out here, a job, friends, and a son whose mother and I are separated (but I still get my son every weekend through court visitation).

My current girlfriend is now 3 months pregnant and she grew up in Utica, NY but moved as a teen to the city because of household problems, but now she wants to move back to be with her mom and siblings. We are now living in my moms living room sleeping on an air mattress so we do need to make some type of move, but I feel this one is drastic. She is 19 years old and I am 24.

Through arguments and indecisiveness she finally just decided to buy an apartment which we have yet to move into. Utica, NY is 5-6 hours away from the city. Should I risk everything on our relationship? My relationship with my son? We are suppose to move on December 17th. I have already put in a transfer request from my job here to the Best Buy in Utica but I was denied. She is ADAMANT about going upstate with or without me and says she doesn't want to raise her baby in the city. If I stay and let her go, then our relationship is over, and I will have two kids whom I am separated from their mother.

I really do love her and want to be with her, and if I didn't have a son out here already, it wouldn't even be a problem, but I do have a son. He is 3 years old and I haven't, not seen him for more than 2 and a half weeks in his life. It will break my heart to sever that bond, even partially.

Does anyone know what I should do, or how I should go about this?

I certainly can understand her wanting to be in a safe supportive environment, away from the air mattress in the living room while she raises a child. She wants her own nest. But you are basically anchored by job, and family, and your own support system, and for a while that's where you have to stay, unless she is willing to support you while you start over, and get established with a job. You didn't make that very clear, but while you look for a job, you will still have to support your 3 year old right?

She may be all set to go, but you better make a plan for yourself because frankly she can go, and you follow later, after you have made your own arrangements. Why would the relationship be over if she leaves without you?

I think you be a single guy with two baby mamas, rather than an absentee dad, or a dead beat one. At least until you figure out a path for yourself that benefits BOTH children you have made. You have 6 months so use them wisely to build a solid foundation from where you are at. I say that because as I have said before to you, what's important is being a good dad, and since it will be spread out, one way or another, that's what you base your decision on, what's best for your kids. I mean who needs you most right now?

I will also admit that I find it a bit disturbing that she is doing what's good for herself, and her child, without your input. Her decision is a done deal. No doubt she is forcing you to make one yourself, between her and her child, or your other child and baby mama.

And its unclear how she finances all of this on her own, since between you both you lived in a living room on an air mattress. Does she have a job to afford this new apartment? That would have to be a crucial part of whether this move is even reasonable, and it makes no sense now the way its written here, so without facts, or more info, hard to say what you should do.

I do feel though that any major relationship decision has to be planned, and agreed upon together, and that's not what's happening here so your options are to follow this young female or NOT!!

This is her plan, to start fresh somewhere she is comfortable, but will you be??

Well she is in college and has received returns from financial aid of more than $3000 per semester so she has close to 2500 in savings after buying the apt. I on the other hand had a job at best buy, but I put in a transfer for December 19th (2 weeks away, not 6 months) to the best buy in utica which they denied. So I will basically be going out there with no job or savings. I have been looking for jobs online in utica and none have really gotten back to me about an actual interview. She told me that we could both utilize what she has in savings while I job hunt. So I am basically going out there with Nothing but the clothes on my back. We have spoken many times before about moving but through the arguments that we would sometimes have, she eventually decided to go home. And when we made up it was sort of like I was tagging along because I didn't have the $ to fund this move. I am truly confused and please don't judge me but I do love her and I do love my son. I just don't want to go there, fail and have to come back. Idk if I am being unwise or pessimistic?

I also meant to add that she was working at a retail store but she is not postponing the date she wants to move which is the 17th. So she will also not have a job when we first move out there. I honestly don't feel like I want to go, because too much is at stake and its kind of a blind leap. Maybe if I went into this more financially stable and settled it would be OK but that's not the case...

6 months before she gives birth. What's the rent?

The rent is 600 for a two bedroom. But that is some great advice you gave me. Its kind of the choices that was lingering in my head. But at this point I already put in a 2 weeks notice at my job and we are schedule7th. I feel kind of bad like I'm chasing her to where she wants to be. I wouldn't mind living tHere if I didn't have a son but... I don't know how I could renig and turn back now..

Not a well devised plan since her rent money only goes for 4 months and then what with neither of you having a job? How can you feed yourself?

And you don't quit a job before you have another. Following someone else's half a$$ed plan is not a solution, it's a disaster, and makes more problems than it solves. What kind of mess are you two making?

I would sit tight and keep my job because she will need a lot of your financial support, and you had better lead this head strong confused, pregnant female on a better path, and not follow hers. She must think her family or yours will help you both get on your feet. Or welfare.

I have job interviews scheduled for when I go up there though, but u defintely struck a valid point. I will. Keep my faith in god and definitely incorporate your advice Talaniman, thank you.