Hi everybody,

Hoping you´re all having a wonderful Christmas.

I wonder if you have some advice regarding a difficult neighbor.
We share a house that has been converted into two flats. We own both our separate flats, the garden and driveway 50/50.

She is quite friendly and nice to get on with, but she has been unemployed for years. She has no disability and is a young, healthy woman with a young son, separated from her hubby.

I have my niece to care for, 10 years old, and I work hard. I have offered to help her find work, but she told me she´d rather marry some rich guy. It falls on me to pay for most of the maintenance since I have income and her parents pay her mortgage.

Lately she´s been really stressed and mean to me. Finally we had an argument the day before Christmas. I had been working and shopping until late, and needed to ask her if she could help me fix the broken light on the driveway. She got really angry, but I refused to argue, went inside to finish working. She then crossed the line by sending me an ugly text message with such hatred I got scared for the safety of my niece, my cats and myself.

The problem with her is that she lives above me and is really noisy. She walks on high heals on a parquet, bangs pots and pans together, vacuum-cleans at all hours and lets her son hop on the floor over the kitchen so things fall out of my shelves. She lets her friends park in my parking space and when I put up a no parking sign, she got furious. Her parents use the driveway for their horse caravans, trailors etc. I told them to remove the whole lot, so they don´t talk to me.

She bangs on my door at all times when she needs to borrow sugar, milk, you name it. I´ve told her my flat is sometimes my office, but she has no regards for that.

Now I feel intimated in my own flat. She´s been away for Christmas but is back with crashing noise, I´m not talking to her and I wonder what to say to her the next time I meet her. I really don´t want another confrontation.

Violet

BLESS YOUR HEART! This is such a hard situation. All you can do is a "friendly ignore", a nice smile but don't go beyond that. You will never be able to change her so it is pointless to talk to her about it. It's also impossible to "teach her a lesson" by retaliating with tit for tat or lecturing her on what you think. Withdraw, mind you own business, no more borrowing from you. She seems to be mean spirited and is getting satisfaction from any feedback you give her. Certainly you should not put up with intimidation: keep a record of the texts and a diary of the incidents, have witnesses because unfortunately, this may end up in small claims court down the line. It is within your rights to call the police if you feel threatened. Is moving an option?

The first thing I would do is see if you can have the utilities separated between the two flats. This way you would each be responsible for your own utilities and not have to cover the others. If you can't do this, then you may have to take her to court to recover her share.

I would have no dealings with her that you don't have to have. Ignore her as much as possible.

If you have received specific threas then report them to the police.

Thanks a lot, both of you. You´ve been most helpful.

I will most certainly ignore her, but what if she bangs on my door for a confrontation as usual? I don´t want any more talks. She just becomes abusive.

Love, Violet

Get a chain lock on your door. If she bangs on the door, open it with the chain on and tell her you have been advised by legal counsel not to have any direct dealings with her, then close the door. If she persists in banging on the door, tell her you will call the police.

OK, great.

What about the persistent noise? Her son´s hopping on the floor and her stamping on the parquet on high heels, vacuum-cleaning and banging pots and pans together? My walls are shaking, I kid you not!

I´ve told her many times and asked her gently to keep the noise down. She got angry and the noise just got worse. Then her parents start parking their horse trailers and boxes on my driveway, leaving next to no parking space for me and my friends and relatives.

I will move - but not in this recession. My flat has decreased in values, but it will go up when the recession is over. I´m in Scandinavia and the real estate market is frozen.

Talk to your local police about noise and harassment laws. They may be able to recommend something.

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Originally Posted by Violet31

What about the persistant noise? Her son´s hopping on the floor and her stamping on the parquet on high heels, vacuum-cleaning and banging pots and pans together? My walls are shaking, I kid you not!

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Don't bother warning or scolding her any more about the noise. You know from experience that it doesn't help. In fact, she might knock herself out to be even noisier. (She's creating a mean little kid in her child too by encouraging him to be noisy.)

Don't retaliate with your own noise or by pounding on your ceiling with a broom. That will only add to her enjoyment of the situation. You do realize, don't you, that she's having a lot of fun in her own way driving you nuts.

Just smile pleasantly when you see her, but don't engage in unnecessary conversation. Of course, it doesn't sound like she needs a reason to be nasty, so what you do or don't do won't affect her behavior positively or even begin to change her.

Like Scott said, separate utilities and anything else the two of you may share billing on. Is there some way to legally divide the driveway so "mine" and "hers" are each clearly marked and police could then be called if she parks something on your space without permission?

You have my sympathy. I rented a two-flat years ago; the homeowner lived on the first floor and I lived on the second floor. She was an old woman with no transportation, so constantly watched my comings and goings and would frequently ask for a ride (both ways, so would have to wait for her to finish her business and take her home again) or would hand me her grocery list and ask me to shop for her. She also often had her radio or TV at top volume so I could "enjoy" the program too. And that's nothing compared to the horrors you are experiencing!

Thanks, Wondergirl.

Great advice. I won´t retaliate, I never do that, because I know it leads to more difficulties.

I do know about nosy neighbors and noise. It´s another kind of real boring neighbors and I´ve had them. But asking for a ride takes it to a new dimension!

I didn´t realize until you said so, that she might enjoy making her neighbor feel miserable.

What a if that is the case! I pay for everything because she won´t work. You don´t bite the hand that feeds you! I know I shouldn´t, but I have little choise.

The boundaries are quite clear, but she cannot pay for repairs that needs to be done, because she doesn´t work. I decided to pay for it so my apartment wouldn´t become flooded. I tend to the garden, pay for every bit of maintenance, otherwise everything falls apart. I keep the bills of course, and I will try to make her pay, but she doesn´t have any money. She´s been unemployed for so many years. Her parents pay for the flat and it´s heavily mortgaged.

She kept abusing my parking space, so I put a sign up. Every car parked there without my permission is towed away. She still tries to abuse it, but since the Police just removes the cars and bill her, she got really mad about that and blamed me.

I guess I need to continue being polite but firm?
God, you really helped me with your advice. I feel much calmer.

Like above, don't cave-stand firm and back up the fact that you can and will call the police. No extra explanations are necessary so don't feel you have to make any! Having the police involved automatically leaves a paper trail. Treat her like you would a pesky phone solicitor-if you give them an inch, they will take a mile!

Hey, you can borrow my mantra... "this too shall pass" Prayer doesn't hurt, either!

Thanks, Mrscoltweaver. I will. :)

Move. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but she's got serious issues that you aren't going to change, and she has no financial resources so won't be leaving. Find a place that is not shared or a multi-unit situation with a homeowners association which has policies, fines and a system for these sorts of things. I know it's an expense, but this sounds miserable and a one-time move could result in a life-time of peace.

Hi,

I´m in Scandinavia and the recession has crippled the real estate market. I need to wait for a while, but I´ve seriously thought about moving.

It´s a pity because I live in a beautiful suburb outside the capital city with the sea ten minutes away and a huge park with tall trees and lakes right next to the house. My niece loves the park and she has her friends there, so uprooting her will be difficult.

The problem with my neighbor is that she will not work for some reason I don´t know and has too much time on her hands. She is either too controlling about the place or just sloppy. One evening I was cooking and suddenly her son was hopping on the floor, so everything was falling out of my shelves and on the stove!

I ran upstairs and there she was with her mother. They had put on rock music and were watching the kid jump up and down. When I told them about the situation, they looked at me vaguely and said: "Well, we were wondering how much his jumping would affect you." I told them he could set the place on fire, but was nice about it and asked them to be more careful. He continues hopping on the floor and I´ve stopped complaining.

Sometimes when I come home from work the mother has put her car in my parking space and is talking to her daughter. They could go on for hours if I don´t ask them to move the car.

The parents pay of the house for their daughter and I believe they own the whole house.

Love, Violet

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Violet31

The parents pay of the house for their daughter and I believe they own the whole house.

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In that two-flat I had mentioned earlier, the landlords came back from shopping one afternoon and were accompanied by some friends and their children. One of the children had to go to the bathroom really bad. Since we were on the first floor and our bathroom easy to get to for this emergency, their request was if the child could use "their other bathroom" (in our apartment).

I think this mentality is what you are up against: it's their house and they are renting to you (so you pay for part of their house and legally "own" that part), but they think it's all really, really their house, so anything goes.

I have another thought - maybe they are the kind of people who think that when you are saying something in a nice way, you aren't serious about it. You may well need to get and sound royally pissed off!

I would suggest that you go to her apartment when you know she is home and tell her you have something serious to discuss with her. Then pick the two or three things that irritate you the most. I would maybe put it like this:

"Mary, I've enjoyed having you as a neighbor and it's good to know I have a friend so close by. But lately, you've frankly been very disrespectful of me and my investment in my home. I need to tell you flat out about some of the issues that need to stop immediately.

First of all, I've told you that your child's jumping in your apartment causes damage to my apartment. It needs to stop. I don't expect total quiet or for him to stop being a kid, but jumping in particular or other things that cause the building to rattle, plaster and things on my shelves to fall, are damaging and I will hold you responsible for anything that is damaged and broken if it continues.

Also, my parking spot is part of my mortgage, and does not belong to you nor do I chose to lend it to anyone. I need it to be available when I need it, without worrying about having to ask someone else to move their car. I pay for it for the convenience, and your use of it deprives me of what I've invested in. I will have your car or your guests cars towed at their own expense if they ever park in it again. I am posting a sign to that affect and am serious about it.

Finally, I will no longer be paying all of the maintenance on both units alone. I am looking into what your legal responsibilities are for paying your share to maintain shared property and will let you know what I find out.

I don't want us to be at war, but I cannot move due to the market, and I am miserable with these situations so I am just asking you to work with me on these so we can both enjoy the benefit of our investments.

Happy new year! :)

Wondergirl, those neighbors of yours must have been hell on earth! Using your toilet facility for their friend´s children, indeed! You were in a really bad spot there.

It´s true what you say. They think they own my flat and the half of my garden plus the parking lot, since my neighbor´s father announced one evening he would be moving my gazebo so he could build a patio for his daughter.

Dontknow, I have said all this to her, except the third paragraph. We are having this problem because I did put up a sign and her friend´s cars are towed away at their expense. She feels I´m wrong in doing so, even though I have my rights and am sticking to it. She´s a spoilt little madam who thinks she can go through life living off others.

On the other hand, she may also have really bad issues with boundaries.

Her ex and father of her child spends most of his time in other countries, but when he´s here, he lives with a woman from Thailand, who lives with her mother. They come together to visit the boy and then my neighbor turns into one of those "truly liberated Scandinavian women" (sorry, don´t mean to insult a fellow Scandinavian) by cooking for them, letting them have her flat to sleep over with the kid, renting movies for them and letting them borrow her car. They are so much in love they´re always kissing and hugging in front of her and while they´re upstairs making love, she spends the night crying in the laundry room, right next to my kitchen. Crazy or what?

They park the car in the middle of the driveway and since they don´t speak any other language than Thai (he´s Thai too), I cannot communicate with them. I´ve been to Thailand and it´s a wonderful country, the people too, but I didn´t pick up the language, though. I´m not saying they´re not nice, it´s just boundary issues and my neighbor won´t translate for me that they´re blocking my driveway.

I´m going to think about what you said and get back to you.

Good for you for having the cars removed. When it hits her in the pocketbook, she has to take notice and change.

As to her coming around, she probably will, sweetly of course, when she wants something.

It may be a good idea to be a little proactive here, and set some boundaries.

Why not consider sending her a registered letter. Tell her that you will no longer answer the door, or phone, when you are home. As you said, you work from home, but need not tell her what hours. Tell her that you would appreciate her being considerate with the noise that disrupts your quality of life, and if you have noise bylaws, file a complaint when she doesn't comply.

I think as someone said, if it does end up in court down the road, having a record of what you've tried to do to remedy the situation will definitely be to your advantage. This type of record, kept meticulously, can also show authorities that there was an escalation in behaviour, and take necessary steps on your behalf.

Thanks for the advice, Jake.

My problem is that she cannot stand my actions concerning the signpost and having unauthorized cars towed away. Since that signpost went up last summer, she´s been worse than ever. She is punishing me for taking action and being assertive.

She went nuts when I came home after work just before Christmas and found her using my parking space again - despite the signs and all the problems she and her friends are having. It´s been seven months since the Police has towed cars away.

I will certainly think about sending her a letter and I´m logging every incident. She´s been away over the New Year and it´s so peaceful. I just wonder what happens when she gets back.

I really feel for you. Even when she's not there, you know she's going to come back, and you don't know what she's going to throw at you next.

I think what worries me about this is that this type of behaviour tends to escalate, as you've seen. There is no reasoning or compromise with people like this.

They only stop when the alternative is worse than their actions.

Good to know you are keeping notes.

Best of luck with that situation Violet.