Ask Me Help Desk - Unique problem in love

My husband of twenty five years died suddenly a year ago. His best friend who was married same amount of time but divorced ten years ago came back strong and supportive in my life.

He recently about 18 months ago, had his ex wife move back in the home to help with a wayward teen, and they tried to put the relationship back together, and after a year they both became aware same issues cropped up.

He and I have always been close, And have gotten closer . I told him to stay away until she moves out, not call me. I am sad and miss my friend and the life we could have, but am firm in my mind she must be gone. He wants me to be patient as she try's to relocate, but I won't wait and see.
I know if its me he wants, he has to do it alone with no influence from me. I miss him. Right thing I did?

Well, it's quite right. His wife should go. He has to cut the previous stuff. You miss him that's fine. But not to call you, that's not compulsory. He might need your help sometimes. As you said he was there when you were need it, so he might need you. You should call him sometime, if not regularly.

I think you are doing the right thing. It's good to see someone that has the correct values once in a while. You are right that he needs to do this on his own.

I agree with leaving him alone for now. He has to decide if he wants you, or his ex-wife around; not both. Good luck.

Bracing myself, because I disagree. I see a widow (I'm a widow), in a relationship (whatever that means), with a male friend. I see nothing about sex. I see "close," but that could mean a lot of things. I have no problem with men and women being close friends - and, again, I see no mention of sex in this post.

The friend and his wife are concerned about their son; the wife has nowhere to go. They are or aren't divorced - ? At any rate, I don't think this is a "your wife or me" situation. If the OP's relationship is behind the wife's back, well, then it's another story.

I think the friend and his wife should be commended for getting back together to help their son. I don't see the friend hiding that fact from the OP.

I wouldn't recommend a "her or me" ultimatum without knowing the rest of the story.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Bracing myself, because I disagree. I see a widow (I'm a widow), in a relationship (whatever that means), with a male friend. I see nothing about sex. I see "close," but that could mean a lot of things. I have no problem with men and women being close friends - and, again, I see no mention of sex in this post.

Oh, now you put a different spin on it. I hadn't considered that it may just be friends. I read into it that she is looking for a relationship out of this. I agree, if it's just friends, I see no problem just like you said.

You have done the right thing giving him a chance to unpack his past baggage and handle his business correctly before you even consider anything beyond friendship. But you don't have to be patiently waiting to see what he does. I hope you are doing what you enjoy with your own life now.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for the advice.
When they divorced 10 years ago he was still friends with us. She wasn't .
She does not know we see each other at our business's and it has gotten intense. He told me he has always loved me but I belonged to his best friend.his ex that moved back in is extremely jealous of us. It was a non issue for me because I never had those feelings for him until of late.. (While married, to me I had put him firmly in the brother box).Now I see how happy we could be, but do not feel like being in the shadows till his life plays out. I have raised two fine boys both in college now, and still believe strongly in integrity. If we start something, it has to be clean. She and he have so many issues, but I don't want to add to it. I miss him, but told him if he wants to pursue this with me he has to be completely free. He understood. It's been 10 days without a word. I just feel now I've also lost a great friend ( we're in the same business and compare notes all the time)but we've rolled the ball down the romantic road and there is no turning that around . I think it's his call now. Or not?

If no one can see this why can I read other similar problems from others? Paranoid now

Quote:

Originally Posted by smkanand

well, it's quite right. his wife should go. he has to cut the previous stuff. you miss him that's fine. but not to call you, that's not compulsory. he might need your help sometimes. as you said he was there when you were need it, so he might need you. you should call him sometime, if not regularly.

Thank you

I applaud your logic but think you need to keep an emotional distance from this fellow and be willing to adjust your life to not include him at all. I know, affairs of the heart always look good on paper, but reality is it may be years before he gets his personal life in order.

Don't wait for that to happen, build a life that you enjoy for yourself, and stay open to better options and opportunities for love and romance. It will help you keep this whole mess in proper perspective and you will make decisions based on facts, and not just strong feelings.

Then down the road if its possible for a clean start, you can go for it cleanly.