Sad or Angry
I was born in 1956. My parents divorced in 1968. My father remarried, to a strict Mormon woman with two sons. I know there was no love in that marriage. He just needed someone to tend to his children while he was frequently out of town for work. My father was killed on the job in 1970. It made him famous. My step-mother contacted my mother and by some arrangement I knew nothing about, I was sent to my mother and her new husband in Washington. Both were abusive (not sexually) and heavy drinkers. I have heard my mother say many times, to my face, "I wish you'd never been born". Upon high school graduation I enlisted. Uncle Sam had me in northern Illinois when I was discharged and I settled in Milwaukee, WI. I met a woman who told me all the dreams for her future. I found her intelligent as well as physically beautiful. We married. Four months later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After healing from a radical bi-lateral mastectomy she went into surgery for breast augmentation. She developed an infection, implants were removed, and left nothing but a patchwork of scars from beneath both arms and covering her entire chest. She never again undressed in front of me. I stayed married to her, in a nearly totally sexless situation for over twenty five years. One morning I came home and found she had had a man I only knew casually with her overnight. I wanted to reconcile the marriage, but we slept in separate rooms and she frequently told me, " I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.". Two years later when I had reached the age and job seniority which allowed me to do so, I retired. I cashed in mutual funds, paid off her car and the house, signed them both over to her and left. Both our eyes were dry when she dropped me off at the airport. I moved to Alabama where sometime later I met a woman who was going though a divorce from an abusive husband. I met her family, and nearly a year after that asked her father's blessing on me proposing. In May of this year, two months shy of our eleventh anniversary we went to bed, I kissed her goodnight, told her I loved her, she put on her CPAP mask, rolled over and died. I have yet to receive the Death Certificate, but the consensus among the first responders is she died of a blood clot. Since her death, in the course of dealing with her personal items I found, in graphic detail, she had been having a sexual affair with a man I do not know. I also found she had maxed out credit cards with cash withdrawals in the area of $30,000 for the purchases of cocaine. So hear I am at sixty two, dealing with her huge outstanding debts and medical bills, and only my pension and Social Security as income. I ask you: Should I be sad or angry? I don't even know what kind of help I need, but admit that I do need help. While I have never truly considered completing the act, I know a two pound pull on a trigger will end either emotion, but I want someone to tell me: Should I be sad or angry? Maybe if I was thirty two I could try to put the pieces together and start a new life, but I see it as being too late in my life now. It's just me and my dog. The only people I know here are her family and I can't tell them what I've learned about her since her death. I'm trying to hold it all in. I just don't know. Should I be sad or angry? Sad or angry. I look at myself as a good person. My entire life I have worshipped God, taken His son Jesus Christ as my Savior, and tried to live a life as much like His as possible. I am not perfect, but He doesn't seem to be paying much attention to my life or to my prayers. I just want an answer to a single question. Should I be sad or angry? Sad or Angry? Can you give me an answer? Please.
