After my mother died I found out that her sister had told my sister literally beside my mother's deathbed that I had done something violent to my father. I was thrown for a loop in several ways but at the same time this untruth about me (I have NEVER done anything violent and certainly not what was described) suddenly made certain behaviors and statements of my brother, a sister, and their spouses, and even this aunt, very, very understandable. My first reaction to hearing this slander from my sister was two-fold: I was shocked by my aunt's telling of the lie as she has always been the old maid aunt who either worked to keep the peace or she kept her mouth shut; I was confused as to who started this lie and why. I already knew why my family was so gullible in believing the lie as both my parents had labeled me in only bad terms (nothing I ever did was good enough, etc.) from a young age. But this was over the top to say the least. The way I feel is that my mother "won" her battle to divide her children, play the martyr and destroy me in everyone else's eyes before she died. She was a very emotionally sick woman and even my brother admitted it to me when he once tried to get me to "understand" her (one of his comments that only made sense after I heard about the lie about me).

Getting to my question: my mother died two years ago and I can't move on. I don't mourn her loss. I'm relieved she's gone and feel no guilt about that. But, I'm gaining a lot of weight (doctors and my husband talk about me seeming to be trying to eat myself to death). I usually feel very numb about life. Yet at times, like tonight, I find myself obsessing about finding a way to vindicate myself, without "speaking ill of the dead". My brother has disowned me and claims I am no longer his sister - though I've never done anything to him. I didn't see my mother before she died because he wouldn't let her travel to visit me (I had invited her to my new home in a different state) because he didn't "trust her to be safe with" me. (No, I didn't bother asking him what he meant at the time as we were going through a conflict about his hatred for our lesbian sister and I thought his comment and behavior was punishment for my taking our sister's side.)

Soooooo, what do I do now? Do I find a way to put it all behind me and accept that I no longer have a family? Or should I write to my aunt and siblings (a second sister) to tell them that I know about what was said about me, that I believe it came from my mother and that it is a complete lie?

This may sound harsh but do you really need them? Most of us grow away from our families naturally and make a life for ourselves. Can you do that? Whatever is going on here is getting you down and will make you ill. You will never get through to them, it sounds like too much damage has been done with the lies. Can you begin to invest in yourself? Do things for yourself and your own family. You know the truth deep inside you, God knows the truth, the Universe knows the truth. Stop killing yourself and begin to live your own life the way it was meant to be lived.

You have your husband and YOUR family and friends, So at this point your brothers and sisters ( who appear to live away from you anyway) don't like you, who cares, you need to make your current life good.
So just stop any contact with them and move on with your life.

Also get counseling to learn to be happy with yourself, the way it is, you are not going to change others at this point.

Thank you bluerose and fr_chuck for your support and advice. You've helped me feel okay about not keeping close to my siblings. No, I don't need them in any way.

You've helped me to clarify my problem.

I didn't recognize, until I read your responses, that my problem was really feeling guilty about not maintaining contact with people who choose to think badly of me.

More so than most, due to their negative family experiences, my parents emphasised family unity. Not love, not harmony, but simply maintaining contact. Consequently, at various times recently, I've thought that I should be in contact with them. But, I haven't wanted to do so with them treating me with such contempt. They don't try to keep in contact with me, either, by the way. In fact, I've made the overtures, including expensive presents that weren't acknowledged, while they were calling me names. I thought I was "supposed to" at least try.

Until I read your responses and felt your "permission" to follow my feelings and "give up" on the situation I didn't recognize my real problem. Thank you so much for freeing me!

lauram,

The keeping contact thing is just something you grew up with and became conditioned to. Something your mother wanted. But from what I have read in your post, you owe her nothing.

I have a little scenario that seems to work quite well....... I hold my hand out to someone and if they knock it away I will hold it out again, but if they knock it away again I do not hold my hand out a third time.

You held out your hand - with presents in it no less - and they knocked it away again and again. You owe them nothing. They do not deserve your concern.

Usually you'll find around here that we try to encourage people to make up with their family and try to get along. But in this case I say again, you are well out of it. You deserve to be happy.

"Until I read your responses and felt your "permission" to follow my feelings and "give up" on the situation I didn't recognize my real problem. Thank you so much for freeing me!!"

I read somewhere that a psychiatrist said he basically gets paid for giving people permission to be themselves.

Me and fr_chuck's bill is in the mail. lol

Take care.