My relationship ended a month ago.but I still have trouble letting go
Let me tell you the story... I met a girl through a friend of mine around August. She's 17 and I'm 18. We started talking and became friends and grew very close. She always told me how I was so handsome and how she missed me when she was gone, and whatnot. We started dating in December of 2006. I asked her out and she accepted. We grew close and she eventually told me about her past. She was raped and because of this had HPV. She had also done drugs, alcohol, and smoked extensively as a young kid. But when she told me, I had no clue. She was a completely changed person. Of course I accepted it because I was falling for her, and she told me I was the best guy in the world. She was everything I could ask for in a girl... pretty, smart, outgoing, quirky... just the most unique person I'd ever met.
Anyway... Things progressed on and I met her parents and extended family in the upcoming months. They all seemed to like me and my girlfriend seemed to really like introducing me to her family. Unfortunately, her family had its problems. Her parents were divorced and her mother abused drugs and alcohol. Sometimes she'd come home and trash the house and even beat my ex girlfriend up. This was disturbing to me, but luckily she moved in permanently with her dad.
Around the end of February she started seeming a little distant with me. I really didn't think much of it because her school work was getting extensive and she had a lot on her plate at the time. We spoke on the phone every night but I didn't see her that much during our last week together. Eventually, one day she called up and gave me the "It's not you, it's me" speech and said she needed to figure some stuff out right now as a single girl. Apparently there was some problems within her family (sister went to jail, mom was threatening her dad, etc.), college applications were flying everywhere, she had the ACT and SAT to prepare for, AP tests, etc. I told her that I understood and that was it. I immediately went to NC. I haven't talked to her since. I believe it happened on February 25.
I took it really tough the first week. I cried a lot and questioned what happened. If it was something I did, and if her reasons were just BS or not. Eventually I started getting over her but not completely. I still have thoughts of her a lot but not as much as I did.
This past week she was talking to my friend (who initially set us up) and she was asking about me. She asked if I had a new girlfriend, how I was doing, and to tell me she said hi and that she still wants to be friends with me. She also said she felt terrible for breaking up but she had to do it at the time.
I find myself in a dilemma again. I was recovering, but now her questioning about me is giving me hope again (I know I shouldn't build myself up with false hope, but I can't help it). It shows she's thinking about me and probably misses me, which is great. But then again she could just be being nice, but why would she care if I have a new girlfriend or not? Does she want me to give her a buzz to catch up and see what's going on? We didn't end it on bad terms at all.
I need some help from the experts here!
I don't think she's going to call me
My ex of about a month was the one who broke up with me. Lately she's been asking about me through "messengers", telling them that she still wants to be friends with me, etc... and I have a thread on this already.
I think the problem I have is fully letting go of her because I feel that she is being stubborn and has too much pride or maybe even guilt to make any real contact with me. I know her to be this way, she's always been the type to not chase anyone or admit she did anything wrong. I'm just afraid of completely letting go when maybe she wants to contact me but is to stubborn and full of pride to do it. I have many thoughts of reaching out to her one last time but I always stop myself. There have been dozens of times that I've typed text messages, emails and dialed her number and never had the courage or strength to press the "send" button. I know I have to keep moving and I read on here that the dumper must initiate contact because they are the one that left and we're only respecting their wishes. My fear again is that she has anger and resentment but still loves me and we are both playing this standoff game with each other.
I would hate for me to be here and her to be there, both looking at our phones, checking to see if either of us has broken down to make contact. If it's a game that we're playing how do we know? How do I know if she still cares and loves me? I know you'll say, "If she cares and loves you she'll contact you" well, I care and I love her and here I am doing NC and not contacting her. What do I do? How do I know?
Sometimes I wish I had never met her
My ex broke up with me around the end of February (you can find my multiple threads on this in my history). Since then, I've done the no contact and I believe I healed considerably since then. She hasn't called or done anything for a few weeks now.
Unfortunately, I still do see her all the time because we live really close to each other. Her sister is close to my family and gives me updates on her even when I don't ask. I hate that she can't just call on her own. It really shows her immaturity to me. Telling others to tell me she wants to be friends... give me a break. Sometimes I wish I could just delete these last few months from my life and move on. I wish my friend would've never introduced me to her. If I would've never met her I would be so much happier right now. When I was with her my grades dropped, I didn't work as much, I fell for her, etc. Basically, I was only there for HER. I just wish I would have never met her because it all feels so pointless now. What a waste of my time that I could've spent improving myself.
I hate that she keeps giving me messages through other people. I wish she would just go away and leave me alone forever. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from everyone and start over. Just screw it all.
Anyone else ever feel this way?