I'm new to this board BUT I have something here. I've been with my husband for 14 years and married to him for 10. We had a very, very active sex life for about 6 years but things changed. During our 6 years of hot sex, I rarely had an orgasm but everything else about the experience was great. Now I have orgasms all the time but I'm not into it, my body is there but my mind is somewhere else. I mean I orgasm way earlier than he does but he doesn't turn me on, I have to mentally turn myself on (I'm too good at this). I learned the hard way that men aren't really who they pretend to be (strong, aggressive, etc.) so when I found out my husband wasn't the person he pretended he was, I felt tricked and lead astray. Well, I no longer have respect for him and when my respect went out the window, so did my sex drive. I look at him in disgust all too often. I don't care that he's going bald, I don't care about how much money he makes, I DON"T CARE! i need him to be genuine, just plain old genuine.

why all the fakery? anyone should know the truth comes to the light. he's totally lost me for being a fake. i have to watch 80's porn (which i love) just to get aroused to have sex with him or do my mind trick. i don't know if it would be fair to leave him just because of this. i tell him, "you have to mind f*#! Me. That's how I get turned on. Not by lies, not by faking, not by money or bulls@!# like that, but some real mind f@!ing. Gosh! I'm starving for one. What should I do?

Does he know?

Yes but he doesn't want to be bothered with the possibility of divorce and dealing with a new relationship. I don't have to worry about this, I'm not thinking about having anyone if we get a divorce.

So he is aware that you find his fakeness a turnoff and that you use porn to get in the mood? Does he know that you feel tricked? How about your feeling that men pretend to be strong and aggressive, but they're not?

Men are human. They screw up. It's up to you to kindly and clearly tell him what you are thinking and feeling. If he doesn't know the whole story, he can't fix his mistake. And if things don't change you will continue to be dissatisfied.

Keep in mind that your lack of libido may have nothing to do with him. It could be hormonal or something. A doctor could tell you what it might be.

Lmao! This is great. As a matter of fact, I have been to the dr. my thyroid is jacked up BUT how can I turn myself on but he can't? Yes, I have told him several times how I feel and what I need.

Funny thing is, I hear often, that men want women to tell them what they want. Well, it hasn't worked for me. Of course over the years I've gotten nasty with it but there were many years I begged and pleaded and nicely expressed my needs to him... didn't work.

Of course guys are human but he put all his eggs in one basket by betting everything on his money, social life, etc. this has never, ever impressed me, not in the slightest and the fact he still believes this counts for something tells me he doesn't listen to me, he doesn't know me. It's a really long story, after all, it's over a 14 yr span. I know it's done.

You've told him and he's still not willing to try new stuff? You should try to really get through to him about this. I just can't imagine him NOT CARING about your specific wants, needs,and desires. I try my best to please my wife by spicing up things. It never really has been a problem, neither one of us is selfish.
You say that even during your six years of "good" sex, you didn't orgasm much? What was good about that? Sex is not JUST about the release, BUT... Good luck, at least you have Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, Seka,.

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Originally Posted by mylukup

what should i do?

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Hello my:

Get counseling.

excon

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mylukup

. I've been with my husband for 14 years and married to him for 10.
we had a very, very active sex life for about 6 years but things changed. during our 6 years of hot sex, i rarely had an orgasm but everything else about the experience was great. now i have orgasms all the time but i'm not into it, my body is there but my mind is somewhere else. i mean i orgasm way earlier than he does but he doesn't turn me on, i have to mentally turn myself on (i'm too good at this). i learned the hard way that men arent really who they pretend to be (strong, agressive, etc.) so when i found out my husband wasn't the person he pretended he was, i felt tricked and lead astray. well, i no longer have respect for him and when my respect went out the window, so did my sex drive. i look at him in disgust all too often. i don't care that he's going bald, i don't care about how much money he makes, I DON"T CARE! i need him to be genuine, just plain old genuine.

why all the fakery? anyone should know the truth comes to the light. he's totally lost me for being a fake. i have to watch 80's porn (which i love) just to get aroused to have sex with him or do my mind trick. i don't know if it would be fair to leave him just because of this. i tell him, "you have to mind f*#! me. that's how i get turned on. not by lies, not by faking, not by money or bulls@!# like that, but some real mind f@!ing. gosh! i'm starving for one. what should i do?

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I am not following how you felt tricked.
Not sure what I am missing
You are the one that said you had to fake
That you have to turn yourself on, etc...
You said YOUR sex drive went out the window
Peoples libido's and sex drives change through the years and often the husband and wife aren't on the same change.
It is a fact that the older that women get the more of a sex drive they get and the older the man gets the less he is interested in sex compared to when he was in his teens and 20's
You THOUGHT he was strong and aggressive, etc... but was he really trying to deceive you into believing he was someone different than he was or were you perceiving him that way because that is the way you saw it?
Forget that you feel that he tricked you and try looking at him from a different perspective and find the qualities that you loved about him that ARE there and
Try to understand him for who he IS now.
People DO change so
You have to either go with the flow
Or abandon ship
Or continue living with what you perceive as a lie

Counselling might be beneficial but you have to WANT it to work for it to work.