NC, guilt trip, confusion, makes me feel pretty good
I dated a girl for a year and a half. We lived together for about a year of that, first at her house, then at an apartment, then this past summer at my house with my parents.. ugh. This added a bunch of stress and eventually aided to the downfall of our relationship. She didn't work and I worked and played music every day. So she would sit around in her thoughts and text me and when I didn't text back right away she assumed I didn't love her or something when really I was just at work and very busy. Not a good situation to be in but she was very good about it and did everything I could ever ask for on any level. I kind of took this for granted subconsciously because I would be tired from work and she'd be there to do anything.
We got into a fight a few days before this huge concert I was playing and I broke up with her in the heat of the argument. This was probably her way out because I called the next morning begging her back and she said no. Then I acted in desperation, she loved me and liked another guy and was torn between the two. I had no idea of any of this at the time because this was all about 2 months ago. She kept me on the side and went out with her friends and still told me she loved me but we kind of both used each other. I also was just starting my semester at college 100 miles away so this made it extremely hard on me. We gave it another shot that lasted a week, then took a week off, and just gave it another shot which seemed GREAT for a week and then over the course of the next week and a half, ended with her not feeling the same and ending it a week ago on 10/2. I wasn't happy the entire 2 weeks either because it just didn't feel 100% right and I was concerned about the longevity of our future. I had brought things up and told her I wanted to talk but she just either lost interest or she just wasn't in the position to put 100% into a relationship and wasn't being upfront with me.
She first emotionally distanced herself and then we didn't talk Wednesday or Thursday and she was out with girls and guys. I knew what was coming. We talked Friday and she said she needed to talk about us. Her explanation was that she felt bad because she knew I loved her and she loved me but wasn't 100% into a relationship right now and had been using the week to try to find that feeling of love for me she once had and couldn't. I told her that those feelings come with work and you shouldn't be looking for them, and besides not with me around everyday anyway. She said she just feels like she needs time to herself blah blah to re-evaluate her life and being in a relationship just stresses her out now. OK - completely understandable. So I told her I'm always here for her but we're not friends and never will be "just friends." She now agrees, she knows it hurts me too much and knows that we'll never be "just friends." We had just got a new kitten together and we already had one which was a year and half old, leaving them honestly hurts me the most. So clearly I shouldn't have just moved right back in with her like it was because that pushed her away, so I moved all my things out. She took down our album of pictures on myspace but added 2 of them to her personal album and captioned them "my better half."
After all this pain the last month and a half, this break up was a lot easier than before because regardless of whether she was being 100% completely honest with me, which she seemed sincere and we talked for a good hour or 2, I'm almost numb to it. I still think of her a lot and then SHE calls me Sunday night to tell me she saw my parent's TV ad, making upbeat small talk for 15 minutes we ended the conv. Then SHE myspaced me later that night, I didn't respond, SHE IMed me Monday night just to say hello and we talked briefly and I said I had to run. Then Wednesday she texts me she's at our favorite thai restaurant, I said you better get that soup we had been wanting for a while. Then somehow she got word that I was at a bar down the street from her house where she was having a party. She texted me to ask if I was still there, I said yea. Nothing. The next morning she sent me a picture of pink floyd our favorite group, I waited an hour and said "thats so cool." That was yesterday. So I'm not trying to obsess by any means, but in the last week she's contacted me 4/6 days so far. I'm trying not to look into this because I'm moving on and bettering myself a lot and every time I get a text or something it sets me back a little but it's smaller each time. So she's said nothing about wanting to see me, clearly she misses me, but I'm just giving her that space she wanted and trying to better myself too.
So sorry for the long post guys, but she's a.) feeling guilt on some level b.) missing the good times we had at least being best friends c.) trying to boost her ego and/or d.) missing me.
Now, I'm tempted to play the NC game but I don't hate her, she doesn't hate me, and yes I do want a relationship with her again, but I know a bunch of flaws that we would need to work on regardless and I do not want things to go back the way they were. So it's been a week, I honestly didn't plan on making contact until now but she's made contact nearly every day. I don't want to be the shoulder which she hasn't put any emotion on yet. But I don't want to disappear if I'm supposed to be there for her. I planned on moving on which I have been, and seeing how she is in 2-3 weeks and see if she wants to go out for a friendly catch up lunch or something, sort of "make it or break it," but at that point I'll already be set to peace out if need be.
It feels good when she texts me, because I have the upper-hand. I have the choice to text back or not, and she seems desperate now. So I'm in this situation. She's not calling me over for sex, she's not venting to me about her problems, she seems to be sincere and missing me. I don't want to piss her off if this is her way of wanting to patch something, but, I have a feeling that if she wanted to, it'd be more clear. So I've just been upbeat, but still distant, I'm beginning to like this space. So how should I progress? Thanks,
Brownie