Ask Me Help Desk - Is there anyone out there married to an ex child molester?

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.

I doubt that what you feel is really love for this man. How could you continue to love the man who sexually molested his own daughter? There is forgiveness, yes, but that does not there has to be letting him back in. Do you honestly think that a sexual molester only ever does that once and never again?

If you get back with him, he may never be allowed children - since he should be on a sex offender registry and have provisions of his parole. But then you did not say he actually spent time in prison. If you do get back with him, what happens when he is around his granddaughters? If I were your daughter, it would be a cold day before I would come into the home with my Dad living there. Neither he nor you would be allowed in my home.

I think you do need to see a therapist and find out what makes you tick when it comes to even thinking about letting your ex husband back in.

Dysfunction is handed down from generation to generation.

Your choice of a mate is a perfect example. We get our wiring done in our pre-adolescence and it affects us in ways we don't even know:divorce, alcoholism, infidelity, promiscuity, etc... you have to fight it your whole life... God bless our parents! Yikes.

Anyway, no way in hell you should bend to the notion that you love him still - and test your love for him.
Never. Never. Ever... Never... He may be citizen #1, but he was enemy #1 to your kids. And that is not forgettable...

Love is real. But it's not always real smart.

Can I ask where he lives? I don't want my children anywhere near a monster like this, and I'll move if I have to. I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and if my husband did that to her I couldn't love him PERIOD.

With love comes respect. I can't imagine respecting a man who stole my child's innocence.

What the F***, you should not even consider such an option... Are you for real or is this a wind up.

He is a pervert and should be castrated. The sickist of human kind.

You fell in love with the outward image he portrayed, but you are forgeting the abnormal nature of the person...

What sort of person are you ! To consider being with your daughters abuser... How do you think this would make her feel...

Get a grip.

There is no such thing as an ex child molester. Your child was not the first and probably not the last. You need some help lady.

I really think that you need some help. You have issue's that you need to deal with. Your mother as well.

To give you an idea of normality.

Would everyone reading this Answer this simple question.

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.

Watch the results and then get some help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.

Yes. On WAY too many levels.

You answered your own question. You know exactly how much pain your sister and daughter went through, which compounded your own grief.
Keep him out of your life where he belongs. You cannot date him without hurting your daughter and therefore, yourself. Old feelings aren't worth risking the relationship you have with your daughter or yourself respect.

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.

I agree. I would really like to tell you what I would like to do to this man and your father ! I can't tell you because I would be banned from this site I can't do it for real because I would be locked up. And yet I am 110% certain that I speak for the majority of NORMAL people.

Please Please Please Stop this cycle right now. Its is in your power ! You are the adult. The responsible person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.

Had to spread it. This is harsh but true. You have no business "loving" this man (if you can even call him that.) You don't have the right to repeat a mistake just because your mother made it. Your lucky your daughter's father hasn't killed this guy and you, or at the very least gone to court and had custody taken away from you.

How in the world could you ever think about going back with someone like that?
I'm a mother of 2 little girls and I would be in jail if someone EVER did that to one of my kids.
You really need to think about your kids and their feeling. If you're a good mother, you would never be with anyone that would ever hurt your kids!
Sorry if that comes off mean, but that's just my feelings!

I think she gets it... and she's gone...
I HOPE she gets it...

Why did your dad stop with your sister? You sure your Dad did not hurt you, if not physically then as all the above have pointed out, your view of what is acceptable in your life is not considered normal... you need some counseling.

Neither my Dad nor my ex ever raped anyone. My Dad touched my sister inappropriately, she told. Had she not who knows how it may of progressed. But since the rest of us children did not know until years later it did not affect our upbringing. We had a normal childhood and when we found out while shocking it was so many years in the past with no other incidences that it was easier to continue loving such a man. In my ex's case. We had taken custody of his niece who had unfortunately lost both of her parents and had been molested in the past. She was emotionally scarred and We tried to get her counciling but she refused to talk to any of the 9 councelors we took her to. In the end they would just refer us to another councilor that maybe she would be more compatible with who maybe she would talk to. She was classically, sexually active at an early age and began making advances at my ex on a regular basis. Obviously the man had mental problems and began to take advantage of the poor child but would always stop it and send her away before it came to rape. Then his twisted mind began thinking that My Daughter would like it to! He tried to touch her and she screamed bloody murder, and my niece was in the house and all was told to me immediately. My ex and I had a son together who was just a baby. The only reason I have even kept in touch with him is that he had visitation rights Supervised the first few years of course. He has been a model dad to my son throughout his life.Of course he went to jail, and when he was released had years of counciling and ten years on the registry as was the rule at that time. He has never before or after to anyone's knowledge hurt anyone else. I have known this man since I was 16 and after 30 years he has shown himself to be a good person and everyone that has ever known him most of which know about his past, has found him to be a thoughtfull, law abiding citizen. NONE of this exuses his past actions nor my fathers, but if people can not change and learn to control there actions Why do we have programs in place to help them instead of just shooting them and being done with it? I have never had my daughter around this man again and I did report him send him to jail and divorce him, But because I can forgive and still care about someone that has been in my life for 30 years I am now the sicko and need the help! Is there anyone out there that has been through a similar experience and thus have a basis on which to give advise. If you don't smoke you can not give advise on how to quit. And although you may all be correct in your judgement of my sanity, I would prefer to hear from those with life experience in the subject matter, or that is a councelor in the field. I know that when my ex was in counciling there were several wives that stayed married to these men, though at the time I was in my angry years and could not understand it myself. I wanted to hear from them because if the majority was later disappointed and hurt because they can not change, I did not wish to be put through it again. But if the majority are success stories as my mothers is, then perhaps I am not as crazy as you think. While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.

Hello again B:

Somebody must have told you there's a difference between pedophiles and opportunists. In my experience, there isn't.

Plus, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You did the right things. You protected your daughter. You didn't put her at risk again. All that's cool. And, it's OK to love him, if you do. You don't need my permission.

excon

I beggers believe... I try not to sound offensive but this angers me to the core of my being... What is it that you as a person CANNOT UNDERSTAND.

YOU LOOK AT A CHILD AND SEE A CHILD, you have caring feelings. Love and compansion.

YOU LOOK AT AN ADULT, PUBERTY 17 18 19 ONWARDS AND POSSIBLEY SEE SEXUAL ATRACTION.

****YOU DO NOT LOOK AT A PRE PUBESENT CHILD AND SEE SEXUAL ATTRACTION ****

PERIOD ! IF YOU DO THEN YOU ARE SICK AND NEED HELP.

Now are you telling me that you look at young children boys and girls and want to touch them or have sex with them ? From what you have said that is no, that is normal. The men you mention DO LOOK AT THEM THIS WAY. To touch someone in private areas means you are looking at them in a sexual way... This does not change, they have not changed, they are sick... This is not a case of bad judgement it is fundementally wrong, sick and twisted...

Please believe me that I do not mean offence as I understand the trauma such events caues but you cannot and there is not excues at all period for this behaviour...

Please people help me to get through to this person the reality of this situation.

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.