Our daughter is getting married in October. It is our first wedding. The reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables, which is what our daughter and we decided on. The guest list was as high as 500 at one point with 270 being the groom's parents. My husband told the groom to either find a bigger hall or to have his parents prioritize their list. They cut their list to 220 and instructed the groom to inform us the list was a dead issue and we were not allowed to talk to them about it. Because we are paying for the hall, we think we should be able to decide how the hall is set up, which ultimately will dictate how many quests it will seat. Because we do not want to invite more than 10% more than the hall will hold, we set our list at 375. We called the groom's parents and met them at the reception hall so they could see what we were talking about. We decided not to get our daughter and her fiancée involved. We thought we could reason with his parents. We told them based on etiquette they could invite 125 guests. Because they have a large family, we told them we cut our list to 95 and gave them our extra 30 so they can invite their family. We asked them to prioritize their list into "A" and "B" lists with 155 on the "A" list. We told them if more people declined than we anticipated we would invite the people from their "B" list first. Because they didn't acknowledge they would do this; we wrote a letter thanking them for meeting with us and restating our request. The first chance they got they invited our daughter over to their house and showed her the letter. The mother turned on the waterworks. Because our daughter is a "peace Keeper" and wants everyone to get along, they knew she would be upset with us; which she is. We came across as the bad guys. We think we are being more than fair. If the groom's parents do not cut their list; what are our options? Thank you.

I think it'd be only fair that if they want to invite more people, they'd pay the extra for a bigger reception hall for their guests.

Tell your daughter to elope!

Seriously, YOU are paying for the wedding, you call the shots. Is the wedding going to be officated by s clergyman known to you both? If so, maybe you can get him to mediate. But otherwise you tell your daughter, the hall can only accommodate so many and trying to squeeze in more will be a fire hazard.

The only thing I can see is that the list should be split evently. If the hall accomodares 340, then each of you should be able to invite 170. Any other arrangement is going to result in bad feelings. And remember, of those 170, the bride and groom's friends get included.

I agree if they do not want to limit the grooms list to 170 then they should be responsible for the difference in the hall and any expenses caused by going over the 340-375.
If they still insist and there is expense due to needing to cancel the hall then that too should be their expense. Maybe if you point out all the extra expense and how they will have to cover it maybe they will back down.
Then too you can always cut it back to a home wedding and a wedding tent in the backyard if it comes down to it.

Let's put it this way:

Who's writing out the invitations? And how much space is there at the church?

1. They can have whoever they want on the list, if you or your daughter is writing out the invitations. If they decline to prioritize, well... the people at the bottom of their list aren't getting invites.

2. If the church holds considerably more, invite ALL of their list to the church, and do NOT invite all of them to dinner. There is no reason to expect to be invited to both anyway.

3. If YOU are paying for it, then YOU can dictate the terms. *I* come from a HUGE family--parents each had 4 siblings, grandparents each had at LEAST 4 siblings, and all of their kids, and their kid's kids... Let's put it this way: Christmas with my "immediate" family involves about 80 people crammed into one house. Our ENTIRE guest list--the people we fed at the reception--had 150 people at it. That included our friends and extended families--and the important friends of our parents. People actually understand that if there is no room, there's no room, and no hard feelings are meant.

In the end, though, if your daughter wants to play peacekeeper--give her the money you were planning on spending on the wedding, and tell HER that that's her budget, all you'll give her, and SHE can plan it and budget for it and when the money's gone, it's gone. When it's HER mone that she's spending, betcha that guest list would get trimmed in a minute.

Comments on this post

2756nancy agrees: Why can't our daughter marry you? I woundn't have to write this. We tried to tell the parents they had to cut their list and they just plain refuse.

Because I'm already taken. :D

Did they just point blank refuse? My response to that would be something along these lines:

I'm really sorry you are taking that position. But, if you don't reduce your list, then we will be forced to reduce it for you. We will only send out so many invitations and people without invitations will not be allowed in the hall.

Where is the groom in all this? Is he willing to spoil the day by not standing up to his parents? If you have pare down his side's list, its going to fall on him to make most of those decisions.

I would also check with the hall about having invitation checkers. A couple of large dudes making sure only invitees are allowed admission.

I remember in planning my wedding, my parents couldn't get their list down to half what my father-in-law was willing to pay for. So they offered to pay for the extras, but we weren't up against the issue of the capacity of the hall. We had room for more people.

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2756nancy agrees: We have the invitations. I made them. The groom told us he wants to send them out. My husband told him it was the bride's family that sent them out. The groom insists he be there when we make them out.

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I would say that that's fine. Make ONLY as many invites as you have room for, and then address YOUR family first, since you have the smaller family (and aren't even taking your fair share of seats!). You're right--Bride's family sends out invitations. Technically, the groom's family has to adhere to the number of guests you allow (according to most etiquette information I've been able to find), and to provide YOU with the guest list (which, obviously, has been pared down to the correct number of people).

Anyway, after you've written out YOUR side's invitations, then allow the groom to decide, in order, who gets the final invitations from HIS side's guest list. When the invitations are gone, so are the number of seats at the reception hall. Any remaining people on the groom's family's list will be given "Church only" invitations--and assign someone at the door of the hall to check invitations/names on a guest list. PAY someone to avoid the hassle of wedding crashers. Let it be quietly known (through word of mouth) that the reception is guest list only, and that if they do not have a dinner/reception invitation, they will be turned away at the door.

And if your daughter decides that this is way too much drama--remind her that you'll happily cancel all of the current arrangements, buy 2 tickets to Vegas, and make arrangements at the Elvis Chapel. You are NOT obligated in this day and age to pay for your child's wedding. That you are willing to take on the traditional roles says much about you--and your daughter should be grateful that SHE is not paying for it.

While I agree with Synnen, if the invitations are unique enough that they won't be copied, you might give the groom the precise amount of invitations allowed. This way they are limited. But it would be better if you controlled them yourselves.

I'm sorry but I find this whole situation crazy! Why have the grooms parents got any say at all who is invited? Who's wedding is this? Because it sounds to me like the bride and groom seem to be getting overlooked here. As for meeting the grooms parents without consent of your daughter and soon to be son in law, I think that is wrong and I would be furious if you were my mother. I'm sorry I don't mean to offend but I really think the parents should take a step back here and let the bride and groom have some input. I am getting married in September and have recently fell out with my in laws because my soon to be mother in law screamed at me because she WANTED to know who was on the guest list. This is no ones business but the bride and grooms... its THEIR day xx

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Originally Posted by posey_84

im sorry but i find this whole situation crazy! why hav the grooms parents got any say at all who is invited? whos wedding is this? because it sounds to me like the bride and groom seem to be getting overlooked here. As for meeting the grooms parents without consent of ur daughter and soon to be son in law, i think that is wrong and i would be furious if you were my mother. im sorry i dont mean to offend but i really think the parents should take a step back here and let the bride and groom have some input. I am getting married in september and have recently fell out with my in laws because my soon to be mother in law screamed at me because she WANTED to know who was on the guest list. this is no ones business but the bride and grooms....its THEIR day xx

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While I agree with you--if the bride's parents are PAYING for the reception, then they get to limit the guest list. They've already cut back THEIR share of the guests--now it's the groom's family's turn.

If the groom's family (or just the bride and groom) want to have more guests, then THEY can pay for it. Period.

The hall can only hold so many. Maybe you have a point, though--put ALL of the names out there, from BOTH sides, and let the bride and groom trim the list. And then ALL of the parents are quiet when the number is below the max number for the hall.

But the biggest reason the bride's parents in this case have a say more than the groom's parents is because they're footing the bill.

I will be getting married in less then 2 years. We told our parents they are more then welcome to give us money for the wedding but we are inviting who we want there and that's it. I told my parents if you have a problem with our guests I am more then happy to give you the money back.

Luckily my Mom said she doesn't care who is invited to the wedding and she is not going to make us invite anyone because it is our wedding not theirs. Now that I think about it my Fiancée never said what her parents thought of that. I have a small family she has a Gigantic family so I guess she will be fighting with her mom and dad about who can come on her side since we only want 100 people or less there and my family and friends take up about 30 seats!!

I agree with everyone's suggestions, and have another of my own. This is a simple matter. Fire code only allows so many, and after that, you break the law, the fire dept. breaks up the dinner. So there are ONLY those amount of seats, and yes, if the groom needs to be able to seat more, then his side should pay the difference. That being said, if you keep the place you have now and allow the grooms side to invite everyone they want, you get to put the little name tags at the table. People who don't have a place to sit reserved don't get served dinner and probably won't stay long. I assume the brides family is in charge of that?

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Originally Posted by posey_84

im sorry but i find this whole situation crazy! why hav the grooms parents got any say at all who is invited? whos wedding is this? because it sounds to me like the bride and groom seem to be getting overlooked here. As for meeting the grooms parents without consent of ur daughter and soon to be son in law, i think that is wrong and i would be furious if you were my mother. im sorry i dont mean to offend but i really think the parents should take a step back here and let the bride and groom have some input. I am getting married in september and have recently fell out with my in laws because my soon to be mother in law screamed at me because she WANTED to know who was on the guest list. this is no ones business but the bride and grooms....its THEIR day xx

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Yes on one level it is the bride and groom's day. But on another level it's a celebration for family and friends.

What makes you think the bride and groom aren't having input?

But since the bride's parents are footing the bill they do have some say. But the problem here is not the OP, they seem to be rather reasonable. It's the groom's parents who aren't being reasonable.

Synn I see your point but I just tend to think. If the parents have offered to pay that's up to them no one is making them pay for it and ALL decisions should still be up to the bride and groom. This is the biggest day of there lives after all.

Scottgem I'm sorry but I don't agree with u. this isn't a celebration FOR friends and family.its a celebration for the bride and groom and loved ones THEY have decided to include. I agree 100% with spitvenom ALL decisions should be made by the bride and groom and if the parents don't like it then tough they don't have to pay for it! They offered to pay not make all the arrangements and write the guest lists. As for what makes me think they aren't having any input? It says 'we called the grooms parents and met them at the reception hall so they could see what we were talking about. We decided not to get our daughter and her fiancé involved' so clearly the bride and groom knew nothing of this xx

You are assuming way too much here. Who says the parents are making "all" the arrangements. When I was married, my (now) wife relied heavily on my mother (her mother wasn't around) to help with the arrangements. What's wrong with that? And how many brides and grooms really know what family to invite? When I was married my wife and I participated in creating the guest list, but we both had to rely to some extent on our parents. And yes, because they are footing the bill, they have a voice in this.

You are focusing on one incident. The way I read it, the bride's parents saw that there was an issue here. Rather then include the bride and groom in a situation where there might be bad feelings generated between the couple and their in-laws, they hoped to spare them the hassle and try to resolve it. I think that shows consideration on the part of the parents. Planning a wedding is often a stressful time and it appeared to me that they were trying to limit that stress rather than exlcude anyone.

[QUOTE=posey_84]scottgem I'm sorry but I don't agree with u. this isn't a celebration FOR friends and family.its a celebration for the bride and groom and loved ones THEY have decided to include. I agree 100% with spitvenom ALL decisions should be made by the bride and groom and if the parents don't like it then tough they don't have to pay for it! They offered to pay not make all the arrangements and write the guest lists. As for what makes me think they aren't having any input? It says 'we called the grooms parents and met them at the reception hall so they could see what we were talking about. We decided not to get our daughter and her fiancé involved' so clearly the bride and groom knew nothing of this xx[/QUOTE]

The reception hall they booked holds 340 at round tables, which is what our daughter and we decided on

So the Bride and groom or grooms parents invite the other guests and where do they put them? Who is willing to pay the difference in the cost of the other guests?
They should all have a say BUT they have to work with what they got and it doesn't sound like anybody else is willing to come up with the $ difference. Why should the bride's parents go outside their budget?

Don't get me wrong I DO think the grooms parents are being unreasonable here, but I also think the brides parents are being to pushy and a little insensitive to how their daughter feels. I can understand and see that all they were doing was trying to avoid any confrontation and keep the peace for their daughters sake but in the end all they've succeeded in doing is upsetting their daughter further and causing more aggro

How is that when SHE agreed to the 340 table hall?
As I said the others need to put their money where their mouth is if they want MORE than what the bride's parents can afford. So how does that make the bride's parents pushy??

As I said before I agree with what your saying about the grooms parents they are being unreasonable expecting the brides parents to pay the extra without offering anything to help. However my issues were the fact the brides parents went behind their daughters back and met up with her in laws causing upset to the bride and the fact nancy has wrote things like 'as we are paying for the hall, we think we should be able to decide how it is set up'. I was simply giving my opinion as a bride to be on how this would make me feel