Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do ? I'm ready to leave

I (Shirley ) wants to leave my husband because he's a cheap a-- and he's all about himself, and I'm starting to notice that more and more each day, yesterday was the last straw,we had words yesterday , don't consider it arguing just, getting things off our chest, OK, my husband says he's doing everything in the house all by himself, but actually he only pays the mortgage, and his bills, I pay all utilities, buy food, buy the personals for the house, giving him 500.00 every two weeks, he says it's for the mortgage, I also take care of thirteen yr. old pain in the a-- daughter, then I pay my car note, credit card bills, and yes I have to have money for gas and work, I sometimes if not all the time have nothing in my pocket left. Now he moved his sorry a-- 19yr. Old son in, he doesn't work, nor does he have license, his son is a free loader, It's not fair that my husband says he's doing everything by himself, I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him anymore, I just want to leave and get on my own, I did stop giving him the 500 every two weeks and he's mad, so that's where the blow up came from yesterday, I can't afford to give him 500 every two weeks, it's killing me. Should I stay or leave?

Another thing buy me being part owner of the house, Can I put his son out, legally, and my husband can't do a Da-- thing about it, I'm his wife and that's my house too (right)

Okay, this is going to sound harsh, but I won't be the last one you hear it from here.

Your husband is an A**
Your 13 year old daughter is an A**
Your husbands 19 year old son is an A**

So, are we to assume you are perfect? Do you every do anything wrong? Do you complain about everything?

If your post is any indication of how you really are, it sounds as though you should leave. You seriously need to work on yourself.

I know you are going to disagree with me. But re-read your post. You sound like a very angry person. You need to reflect and look at what you DO have. I wish I could give myself or my husband 500 every two weeks. But I can't.

Can you put his son out without your husband doing a thing about it? No, you can't. When you married your husband you married his children.

You know, you feel like you are doing everything, he feels like he is doing everything. Just think if you had to do it ALL by yourself.

Sounds like you 2 need some counseling.

Hate to be harsh but - this is mess. This lady sounds like an a-- as well.

Slow down there - have you sat down with Hubby and had a serious talk?? If you can't - then yes - move on.

What a mess.

This 19 year kid needs a serious dose of reality - wh ydoes his father let him dothis?

It seems to me you and your husband need to sit down and talk to each other about the rules of the house, and how you're feeling overwhelmed by all that is going on.

About the son - At 19, he should either be continuing his education, or entering the workforce. He can't just drift and live off your household. If he's not in school or taking other classes, he needs to support himself - Either through paying room and board, or by living on his own.

Your paycheque should not exclusively pay for all the household needs. If you two aren't pooling your money into a common household budget, you should clearly define what your pay covers and what his pay covers.

He absolutely should not be getting a $1000 a month allowance from you if he can't contribute significantly to the household. I'm not talking strictly about money here - there's lots of stuff that can be done around the house that he can contribute to.

I don't know what the 13 year old did, but she's still a child and needs parents to teach her. If she's not your child, he needs to be the primary disciplinarian.

And as above - You should also take a good look at yourself. I am quite sure you are not always the angry person that vented out above, but no one is perfect and with all the things that are wrong in the household, a good look at yourself - and what you may have done to enable things to get to this point - is needed.

Hi chirly, I can see how you can be mad and it sounds like everyone is mad so to let things cool off. A short separation or vacation may give you all time for cooler heads to prevail. Is their someplace you can go for a while, a friend or relative? Hollering and screaming will accomplish nothing, so take the time to get your feelings under control so you all can make better decisions.

Breaking points are seldom pretty and this sure sounds like one for you. Like Tal suggested, you might want to cool off and then sort out the what from the who. I like to do that on paper sometimes... a list of problems in the first column and a list of (realistic & workable) solutions in the other. It sometimes takes me a while to find what my priorities are but in the end, I know what I am willing and not willing to do, ever mindful of how limited I am in influencing others. I find that with some sort of plan, things don't seem as bleak. I hope that helps, if only in offering a slightly different perspective here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Hi chirly, I can see how you can be mad and it sounds like everyone is mad so to let things cool off. A short separation or vacation may give you all time for cooler heads to prevail. Is their someplace you can go for a while, a friend or relative? Hollering and screaming will accomplish nothing, so take the time to get your feelings under control so you all can make better decisions.

Thank you so much for your advice, I'm very angry inside for a lot of reasons and yes you are right I think I should leave for awhile because my husband wants me to keep up with him in paying everything and I can't when we first got together we agreed that I would only pay utilities anfd buy food, something I could afford to do but now that he's trying to keep up with his friends, he's trying to put more on me and make me pay more and it's stressing me out, because I can't afford to keep up with the Jone's, I think I do good in just paying the Utilities and buying food, buying the personals in the house and taking care of his daughter, I love his daughter but a thirteen yr. old can be a pain in the A--, teenagers period, can be a pain, it took me some time to get use to her but I did, and I love her to death, I try to buy her everything that she needs and more, and I give her allowance, her Dad, gives her money but do not buy her the things she needs, and he works for Chrysler, as a Supervisor, that's his daughter, not mine, I do more for her than he do, and yes your probably saying, it came with the package deal, when I accepted him, okay that's right, but at the same time I'm putting up with a lot of bull-shi--, this is making Angry, I told him we need some Space from each other, maybe that will make us stronger, but I really don't know what's going to happen if we split, I love but I hate to say, my love for him is leaving my heart.

I'm very sorry that I'm writing you this long letter but I do not want to really talk to no one else because it doesn't seem like know one is really listening, I want to go to a counselor and talk, but just haven't did it yet, I think I have some issuses with myself, I want to be alone, where I just have to worry about myself and that's it, I hope I'm not sounding selfish, because I'm a very loving and caring person, I give a lot, I just recently got baptized, trying to give my life to the Lord, but I feel I'm confused right now I know I love my husband but I just need to get myself together and figure out what I really want, I have no kids, thank God, I work two jobs and then just come home, I never get out, it just seems like I just work pay bills and come home I need a vacation and a long one, I once asked my husband for a baby and he told me no I do not think that's fair, because he has seven kids and I have none, his kids is all by different women and their all scattered through out Michigan, I"m Very Angry Inside and I feel I Need to talk to a Counselor befor I explode inside, "What Do You Think I Should Do? I'm sorry I wrote you this long letter but I liked your answer better than anyone else's, so this is why I picked to respond back to you

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Breaking points are seldomly pretty and this sure sounds like one for you. Like Tal suggested, you might want to cool off and then sort out the what from the who. I like to do that on paper sometimes....a list of problems in the first column and a list of (realistic & workable) solutions in the other. It sometimes takes me a while to find what my priorities are but in the end, I know what I am willing and not willing to do, ever mindful of how limited I am in influencing others. I find that with some sort of plan, things don't seem as bleak. I hope that helps, if only in offering a slightly different perspective here.

Thank you so very much, I will consider this

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Okay, this is gonna sound harsh, but I won't be the last one you hear it from here.

Your husband is an A**
Your 13 year old daughter is an A**
Your husbands 19 year old son is an A**

So, are we to assume you are perfect? Do you every do anything wrong? Do you complain about everything?

If your post is any indication of how you really are, it sounds as though you should leave. You seriously need to work on yourself.

I know you are gonna disagree with me. But re-read your post. You sound like a very angry person. You need to reflect and look at what you DO have. I wish I could give my self or my husband 500 every two weeks. But I can't.

Can you put his son out without your husband doing a thing about it? No, you can't. When you married your husband you married his children.

You know, you feel like you are doing everything, he feels like he is doing everything. Just think if you had to do it ALL by yourself.

See now I appreciate you answering my question and caring but yes I can put his son out, without him doing a Da-- thing about it, because my name is on the house and he's a grown As-- man, the police will put him out and ain't nothing my husband can do! The police will put my husband out before me, you see! I can get the police to put any body I want out of My House, Didn't you know that? I KNOW MY RIGHTS AND HOW FAR I CAN GO WITH MY RIGHTS!! This Is My House!!

Hey, you sound really angry and that's OK. Really it is. There are times in our life where everyone is acting like a prize a----hole. Remember that the people that are closest to us really do mirror us. The anger you're feeling is probably being reflected back at you. Want my advice? Get away for a week if you can. Or at least drive off somewhere for a day and get some space. Long walk, sit by the sea, whatever. Collect yourself. If at all possible don't come back until you've had a chance to put things in perspective.

It may be that after years with your husband you have had enough, sometimes it's the smallest things that make you go 'RIGHT That's IT' - it was for me.

And its okay to feel like your daughter is a pain, I've felt like that too! She's 13 she's bound to be a monster right now -thats her job!

But until you've had some space to get the perspective don't make a hasty decision. Over here in britain we have a saying "decide in haste, repent at leisure". Good luck. X

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Hate to be harsh but - this is mess. This lady sounds like an a-- as well.

Slow down there - have you sat down with Hubby and had a serious talk??? If you can't - then yes - move on.

What a mess.

This 19 year kid needs a serious dose of reality - wh ydoes his father let him dothis?

Why do you say I sound like an As-- also? And are you really Michael Jordan? I'm very angry inside and I need to find myself but at the same time I don't need this Bullsh-- I'm going through at home, it's not doing any good or making situations any better, It's just making me more and more angry inside, I feel me and my husband need to split for awhile, maybe things will get better after we've split for awhile? And I don't know why his father let his son do the things he does, I've tried to tell him or give my opinion but it does no good, I give up those are his kids, not mine as he say!

IF you are ready to leave, than leave, go away for awhile, get out somewhere you can think about what is happening in your life, If you don't want to stay, then leave, but it must be your decision.

The first thing is get to a place in you mind that you are calm. Then figure out what it is you really want. Next get a plan of action that gives you what you want. Lastly get busy and do it. If you need a break then take it. Counselling may help and having some one you can talk to is highly recommended. Time for you to do what is needed in your relationships. Obviously your husbannd and you talk at each other and not to each other. Communication is a key to any relationship. Take time for yourself to get yourself under control.

It's a really unhealthy situation right now. No one should put up with that. Hubby sounds like someone who has taken advantage of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

It's a really unhealthy situation right now. No one shoudl put up with that. Hubby sounds like someone who has taken advantage of you.

Thank you for your advice, but I really want to know are you really Michael Jordan or do you just have his name?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

The first thing is get to a place in you mind that you are calm. Then figure out what it is you really want. Next get a plan of action that gives you what you want. Lastly get busy and do it. If you need a break then take it. Counselling may help and as a matter of fact having some one you can talk to is highly recommended. Time for you to do what is needed in your relationships. Obviously your husbannd and you talk at each other and not to each other. Communication is a key to any relationship. Take time for yourself to get yourself under control.

Thank you and you are totally right I need to take time for me and get myself under control, my mind is running 50 M.P.H right now, I have so much on my mind, me and my husband have two houses together and I want to take my name off both, I was told I can because the house note comes in his name but I'm still on the legal documents so that means if the house goes in Forcloseure, My credit gets Jacked up also and I'm trying my best to get my name off Lord knows I do not want my credit Jacked up along with his credit.

Chirley, I think you've got some good advice from the others here so I won't repeat anything but I would like to suggest that you get on an exercise program to release a lot of that stree you have.

So when are you going to do something besides stress yourself out?

Listen to MJ... I mean WC!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

So when are you going to do something besides stress your self out?

I like talking to you, you have been giving me good advice, your right I need to do something else beside stressing because, my blood pressure raised up a little when I checked it over the weekend, and that's not good, I work two jobs and I'm very tired of working two jobs, but the thing is I work at a hospital that I like very much and I work for Costc Warehouse, I like working for Costco and they pay really good, Butt! It's a lot of running around, very tiredness sometimes, my body get's very tired sometimes, and now that I'm going through this situation with my Cheap As-- husband, my body just wants to hibernate all the time now, I really need a vacation so bad, that sometimes I sit and want to cry sometimes just to let it out, I hate being married now, I'm use to getting up and taking myself without worrying about the next person, I don't like his kids, so now I know it's time for me to leave, I'm a very very quiet person that work a lot no kids, don't drink nor do I smoke, I do not like a lot of noise nor do I like a jacked up house, far as messy house ,that's what I'm saying and I constantly have to talk to his kids, until he came home and finally realized what I was saying about his kids, and he made them clean up the whole house, it wasn't very messy in the first place just needed a little cleaning, as you see I'm tired, what do you think?

You better than anyone, know what you have to do, so do it. Pack your bags and leave for a week and get the rest you need. You deserve a break. Working two jobs doesn't leave a lot of free time, but exercise is a great stress reliever. My point is that talk changes nothing. Positive action does. Make a plan and do it. When you calm down and feel better then you will be better able to handle what life throws you. You can better assess your situation and know what it is that must change. Get busy is my advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You better than anyone, know what you have to do, so do it. Pack your bags and leave for a week and get the rest you need. You deserve a break. Working two jobs doesn't leave a lot of free time, but exercise is a great stress reliever. My point is that talk changes nothing. Positive action does. Make a plan and do it. When you calm down and feel better then you will be better able to handle what life throws you. You can better assess your situation and know what it is that must change. Get busy is my advice.

Thank you there's no better way that you could have put it, thank you, (BUT) I'm afraid if I leave I might not want to come back?