I'm at the end of my tether and seriously feel I should give up on my relationship.
My fella is lovely, a real gentle giant who cares about nothing but providing me and our daughter with a comfortable life, his xbox and his friends. Thankfully, we come first!
We are all set to get married in Jan 2014 and we have been together 6 years. There's a 17 year age-gap, I am 23 (24 in June) and he is 41.
We are a happy couple and have very little problems during the day. We bicker but always solve it with a hug, kiss or when our daughter tells us to grow up lol.
We started trying for another baby 2 years ago, not worrying about ovulation kits or getting too worried over it. We just decided we would have intercourse more often and see what happened.
I wanted us to be relaxed so that I wasn't upset every month when we were unsuccessful and so that he wouldn't feel pressurised.
But my problem is that I initiate sex, and if I don't we don't have sex. He would easily go 3 or 4 months without it if I didn't 'ask' him to take me to bed. We go to bed and he just lies there and unless I start getting him aroused he would just go to sleep. There's no mutual effort, if I don't do it it doesn't get done.
I sat with him over dinner and asked him how we were supposed to have a baby or even maintain a healthy sex life if things continued this way and he agreed with everything I said and said he'd make a bigger effort. So I let it go and waited. I came home today after a night away at a hen party and he had our daughter in bed. I stripped and came to our bed and called him in to me. We had lots of foreplay and I was so aroused :) I thought things were going so well and got on top - AND HE LOST HIS ERECTION!
This happens often and his excuse is that he doesn't have as high a sex drive as me and that I'm younger than him so have more energy. But I could easily have intercourse 5 times a day but I don't expect it because of his 'reasons'. I thought that because I don't constantly try it on with him that he might initiate more often.
So I played with him for a while, trying to get him hard enough to try again. It started to work and he fell asleep! Another regular occurrence!
Two weeks ago he was all proud of himself, telling me that he fell asleep as he was satisfying me the night before - I hadn't even realised.
Should I give up on us? This is an issue I haven't been able to resolve, so maybe I will never be able to.
Or do I keep trying? Allowing myself to feel like a failure, like I'm not attractive because he can't stay hard or awake for me?
I'm totally gutted by this and I don't even know why I'm asking for advice from strangers! Maybe because I've tried everything else.
Thanks for any responses.

P.S. He won't see a DR about either issue. Or about our fertility issues. I've been for an investigative laparoscopy because I thought I wasn't conceiving due to me, but it was all normal. I asked him 18 months ago to get his sperm count checked and he said he would but hasn't yet. And I KNOW he does want another child!

Can you please clarify the statement that he had your daughter in bed? It sounds like you had a family sex session the way you phrased it - like with the child in bed, you came in naked and initiated sex. I'm guessing that's what you meant but if it was what it sounded like, there's something seriously wrong here.

Assuming that was just a poor choice of wording, he is a lot older than you and does not have the sex drive of a 25 year old. He also sounds exhausted. Does he get any time to himself, or to just go to bed are wake up late without worrying about your needs or work or your child or whatever?

The guy may just need a nap and a day or two in the house alone to catch up on his rest and clear his mind. Some people need some alone time every day to just decompress - does he get that? If not, he may find it hard to be totally present at other times.

I said he had her in bed in the sense that he had put her down and she was asleep (in her own bed) and I stripped and got into mine.
Sorry for the confusion!
Yeah, my fella has a lot of down time. He works very hard so when he gets home he eats, showers and watches telly. I never ask him to do anything around the house.
He lifts steel all day so I'm aware of the fact that he's shattered all the time! So we started to have intercourse in the mornings when he wasn't exhausted from the day but he says he's not a morning person.
I don't want sex everyday, or even every week - but once or twice a month would be good :)

He needs a good complete physical. If he doesn't get one every year like everyone should... there are a number of things that can be wrong causing him these problems. Some of them if left untreated can kill him.

Have you considered you both talking with a marriage counselor, or any counselor? Considered Viagra, or another form of male enhancement?
17 yrs is a huge years' gap for a marriage! My girlfriend's son-in-law is 20 years younger than his wife.. he 50, she 70... quite a gap!
I would really re-consider this marriage. If sex is really important to you, then you must make a decision. Also, when you are 60, and if still married, he will be 77. Good luck.

He's 40. Having a lower sex drive than you (a 25 year old) is to be expected. Especially since he has such a physically demanding job that exhausts him. AND helping take care of a child! On top of that it's possible he could have low testosterone. I say that because you said he could go months without sex, which is a pretty long time. My husband has low testosterone and he's only 32. I had to slowly convince him to finally get tested. I KNEW he would have low testosterone, but he was surprised. What is it with guys not wanting to go to the doctor!

We've also gone to marriage counseling before and it's helpful. I would highly suggest going. Especially since you are about to get married! You want to make sure this is the right choice. You need to be really happy and satisfied in your relationship before making such a big commitment. Both people need to put in effort, not just one.

You may not realize you could be bruising his ego with how you say things or by getting upset. And you may be putting pressure on him and not even realize it. Sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you act/ body language. Feeling pressured will turn off anyone.

By the way, him losing that erection isn't that big of a deal. If he's super tired and feeling pressured, that can cause him to lose it. I know it sucks for you. But if you make it like no big deal, the less it will probably happen. Unless it's a physical problem. But it sounds like he's just exhausted.

I think it comes down to he does need to put in more effort. But also you have to be okay with the fact that your not going to get as much sex as you want. Like really okay with it, for the rest of your life. It's definitely worth going to counseling over.