Ask Me Help Desk - I like a girl who has a boyfriend.

Help!

I've liked this girl (we're both in our early twenties) for almost a year now, but the entire time she had a boyfriend (for 1 year and a half). We live 2 hours drive away, but her boyfriend lives in the same city. I have no idea how they are doing, but it is her first boyfriend.

For the past year, we've kept in touch pretty well. We talked on the phone at least once a week for a few hours. We emailed every second day. And when I'm in town, we would go out just the two of us.

A few weeks ago I told her how I felt. Basically, to summarize the important parts of the conversation, I said: "I really like you, but I know you have a boyfriend, so I tried so hard to fight off the feelings but I just can't." She said: "I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me"... and then we hung up.

It's been 3-4 weeks now and we did not really speak much since that day. I've been giving her space and time to digest what I said and hopefully she will say something back.

Then, two days ago, I couldn't take it and I called her up. We just talked like normal and then I asked her if she was free this weekend. I just wanted to hang out with her, I was not planning to bring up my feelings for her. She said she might go out of town. But if she is in town, she will let me know. I find out tonight.

At this moment, this is exactly how I feel and what I want to say to her:

I am the type of person who would go after what I want. I do not sit around and wait for something to happen.

But I also know that sometimes, there are restrictions beyond my control. For example, it does not matter how I feel about you, the fact remains that you have a boyfriend.

I respect that and I really hope that you are happy. But there is so much I want to say and do but I cannot. I cannot even tell you how much I like you or even why I like you.

At first, I wanted to know how you feel about me too. But since you have a boyfriend, it is better if you do not say anything. I do not want to ruin your relationship.

Because I know that nothing can happen between us, I feel so much pain. Part of me wants to stay friends with you because I rather you be part of my life than nothing at all. But at the same time, staying friends with you will remind me of the pain.
Obviously I cannot say 90% of those things. What do I do?

I know the reality is that I have to move on. Here's an analogy of how it feels. It feels like I will fail an exam because I am not allowed to show up. I won't even get a chance to write the exam. I know that I should have dropped the course, but I missed the deadline. It's too late to drop, I like her too much.

Great analogy ,very fitting.

If she so easily dropped a boyfriend for you what kind of person would that make her?

Is that the kind of person you could trust in the future?
If she did it to him,she could do it to you.

I think you are putting her in an awkward position and there is no way she can gracefully bow out.

You should have the grace to bow out and not try to mow another mans lawn.

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

It sounds like she is avoiding you and doesn't want to blatantly say " no i dont want to do anything with you". My guess is she will say she is busy this weekend.

This is only a guess but if that's the case it's time to forget about her (as more than a friend... or altogether if that will be too hard).

You took a chance, she knows how you feel and obviously doesn't want to keep seeing you right now. If something happens with her boyfriend in the future at least she knows how you feel.

Having said that she will most likely start seeing you again as a friend some time in the future, just keep giving her space I guess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

Like you said.. in a perfect world but reality is a whole other ball game.

Moving on is not always easy and it is hard to have your hopes dashed but since you have considered all possible scenarios,I think you are in a good position to move on.

Best of luck! You sound like a nice guy with a good sense of morality!

To: Lowtax

What you said is probably true. I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

In Smallville there was a scene where Clark said: "Loving is a really hard. But hating is ... clean." In this case, instead of hating it would be "moving on" which I say is the easy way out, but I guess it is also my only choice?

I just wish that there was something more that I can do that I haven't thought of.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

I think you answered it all yourself here , I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her know how you feel , you've done that now so all you can really do is sit back and wait. You can't help the way you feel but you can control your actions.

But like you say if she does breakup with her BF let her have a few months to get over the emotional turmoil. You don't want to end up being her rebound.

Good Luck!

You are in the FRIEND ZONE.....

A hard escape now...

A year of just hanging out sends the signal that you are a friend and she likes that...

You needed to hit on her a bit some time and then back off to respect the boyfriend - but let her know where you stand ------ about a year ago:-)

But hey, life is not a straight line... for now, you've said your piece. Lesson learned. And I hate to say this but if she got wind you were going out with someone else (even if a casual date) it would at least force her to think about you as more than a friend ad that she better think twice -

I'd back way off and be super cool when you all do talk etc. but I'd look for a girl that can be are girlfriend for now...

UPDATE

I heard from her tonight. She said that she's not available on the weekend. But I'm in town for business on Wednesday and she said that she'll will most likely be able to see me that day.

Should I have that follow up conversation on my feelings for her or just spend a pleasant day?

Btw, thanks for everyone's advice.

She KNOWS your feelings.

She is busy on the weekend...

Leave her alone for now unless you can commit to just being friends... that's what "hanging out" is all about.
If she is a cool girl, maybe that's enough for now.

Can you do that?

She knows how you feel, but you have allowed yourself to be her distraction, for when she has time to see you. Don't you think she would leave her boyfriend if you were a better catch? Are you having sex, or just dating? Doesn't matter, she is still cheating, and you have acknowledged already you wouldn't be able to trust her if she did leave this other fellow, so what's the point in chasing something that there is no future benefit in.

You need to stop this game, and get a healthy relationship, with someone who is available to share your happiness with. Stop fooling yourself.

I guess the Jim and Pam (from the Office) gave me some hope. I know that's a fantasy and reality is not the same.

I know that I can stop this game and go find someone else. But like I said in my analogy, I don't want to fail an exam because I didn't show up. I rather fail knowing that I at least tried.

At first, I was willing to wait to see if her relationship pans out, cause when I met her, they only dated a few months. During that time, we've kept our distance to make sure that we're in the friends zone, which obviously sucks, but I don't want to be the guy that she "cheats" with. So like I said earlier, I was hoping that she would break up with him naturally and not "choose" me "over" him.

I know that I can take the "harsh reality" way out and move on. I was just really hoping that there was something I could do that I haven't tried yet.

Is it possible that she doubts how much I like her which is making her hesitate? Cause I didn't even explain my feelings, I just made her aware of them.

Quote:

I don't want to fail an exam because I didn't show up. I rather fail knowing that I at least tried.

Fact- she has someone else, and doesn't need you, so the exam with her has been called off. Now get real, and get a real life.

Sorry to be harsh, but she doesn't feel like that about you, and your wasting time waitong for her to break up.

Maybe you should clean the air and leave it alone but in all honesty I don't think you should say anything unless she brings it up.

She just starting back talking to you and you already expressed how you feel about her. Time to start back being friends if you can handle it and if she could too knowing how you feel.

Of course that day is not here where she is available either, that she would "most likely" do don't count the minutes till it is here.

I wouldn't push your feelings onto her anymore, she knows how you feel already. You will show her that you have respect for her being in a relationship by not pushing the issue further.

I repeat: she knows how you feel.

Now let her alone and feel your absence and see how that feels.

This girl may be friend material, and if she is ever going to be more it's up to her now...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

I repeat: she knows how you feel.

now let her alone and feel your absence and see how that feels.

this girl may be friend material, and if she is ever gonna be more it's up to her now...

I know, I think I'm starting to come to terms with this. I know that it's her move if she wants more.

Well it turns out that we're going to meet up this Wednesday. I think I'm just going to focus on being friends and if she ever wanted anything she will have to bring it up.

However, if I see that she's feeling kind of tense around me, then I'll try my best to make her laugh and feel more comfortable, but if that's not working, then should I be taking the initiative to bring it up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

then should I be taking the initiative to bring it up?

No that will be applying the pressure you don't want

There is no chance for a relationship right now. Don't bring it up.
Don't think about it. Don't try for it.