My husband decided to end our marriage March this year, it coincided with him starting a new contract a couple of hours drive away. He told me I had been a fantastic wife, I am his soul mate and best friend, I was too good for him, did too much for him. He finally admitted that he didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

He moved out and I was devastated, he still wanted to be best friends and share things and he has said that who knows about the future maybe with time once we learn to be friends, he still wants his independence and he wants me to like myself and then maybe...

He said he just wanted to be on his own, he wanted space and independence and he has realised he is a bit of a loner.

All this while we have been in contact, although I haven't seen him since July because I find it too painful, so the contact has been via texts, emails and phone calls.

The other day I found a mobile phone bill with one particular phone being rung several times. I rang him to ask him, he said it is nothing and that he is just good friends with a woman, then he said something like she is keener on him, I asked him if they had been intimate and finally he admitted that he had but he said it was nothing, he has told her he doesn't want a heavy relationship and it is a distant one too, he says he is still on his own. He was like, what's wrong, we are separated, yes we are but there was always that hope that maybe we could sort something out, with all his mixed messages he kept giving me. He then said that he had blown it and that I wouldn't want him back now would I? He said this is all part of the process and who knows what will happen in the future. I have asked him to tell me that our marriage has definitely ended and he can't he says that he has moved on but can't say what will happen in the future.

He still wants us to be friends and have a relationship, we will have a joint account and house etc.

What the hell do I do? I am not eating, I am in tears all the time, I keep seeing images of them being together and it is killing me - she is thin in her 40s never been married and has no kids - it is like she has grabbed him with her claws and won't let go.

His contract work ended abruptly in October and since then he has been out of work, but still living in the flat. I said that I was even feeling sorry for him thinking that he is going to get depressed, no work and on his own and he said that could be part of it.

We have been married 23 years and have to grown up daughters. I had invited him for christmas but can't handle that now, he will now spend it with her - how am I going to cope with that - am I pushing them together?

Please somebody tell me what to do - myself esteem, everything has hit rock bottom, all I am doing is comparing myself to her and thinking all manner of things as to what they are doing.

Sorry for going on and my message is probably very confusing.

Oh solow, I really feel for you. A terrible thing to be going through, and all the while thinking that he may be back to work on the marriage.

22 years is a huge investment, and a good chunk of your life spent with one person.

I think it is probably fair to say that he had this new woman already in the works when he said he needed 'space' and his 'independence'. That you found out the way you did, on your own and him not being honest, was particularly cruel on his part.

At the moment I think you are in the beginning phases of realizing that the marriage is not going to work out. Accepting the obvious is the hardest part, because, as you've found out, there are far too many questions, and no clear answers.

You do have options. You could wait it out and see if he sees the light. You could carry on the relationship you have with him now until you know which way he's going to go.

You could also try to prepare yourself in the likely event that the marriage is over. Go and see a lawyer, and when you're ready, file a separation agreement to protect yourself. Get yourself a bank account.

Allow yourself the luxury of time to sort through all your feelings and emotions; see a therapist if you think it will help you gain a practical view of what you are going through, and what you need to do.

You have not pushed him into anything. He's a grown man, and he's made the decision to cheat, and give up on the marriage. It angers me that he used the lines he did:

Quote:

---

He told me I had been a fantastic wife, I am his soul mate and best friend, I was too good for him, did too much for him. He finally admitted that he didn't love me the way I deserve to be loved.

---

He makes it sound like he's doing you a favour! It is, of course, all about him, and his sentiments ring false.

He could be holding out on you AND her. He may be playing both ends against the middle to see what he prefers. If that is the case, you have to decide what you are going to do if he wants to come home.

While this is all going on for you, I hope you keep posting, and you will get a lot of opinions on this I'm sure.

He's been keeping you on a string with false promises. He wants his independence, but he's keeping you waiting in the shadows, just in case it doesn't work out.

I'm very sorry, because it must be so difficult for you. You've waited around with the hope that he might come back to you, and clearly he's been taking advantage of the time apart.

You can't be best friends with him while you're hurting so badly. Every time you speak to him it's like a stab in the heart. He actually does not care about your heart - he may say he does, but his actions prove otherwise. It will not be possible for you to be friends again with this man for a while. You need to heal your heart and get on with your life.

Put away the hope that he may come back to you. You will whittle away your pride and yourself esteem if you continue down this course.

You know what you need to do. It's time to reduce contact with him - your children are grown up, so he can contact them separately to you. Redirect his bills to his new address, change the other bills to your name, get your own bank account, speak to solicitor - it's time to begin the process of emotional and physical separation.

Your husband is counting on you doing what HE wants - start being assertive and do what YOU want. Sadly, this man does not have your best interests at heart.

Thank you both for your comments, a lot of what you have said is what I have been thinking.

Well most of the day I have been crying, unable to stop thinking about what they have been up to. Anyhow, I don't know why but I decided to ring him when I got home.

I spoke to him very calmly and again said to him that he isn't being clear, I said I needed clarity, that he had been stringing me along, which he denied. He finally almost said but not outright that our marriage has ended, he also hinted that his involvement with the other woman was a bit more deeper than what he was first implying.

When I first found out he said that he had blown it and that I won't want him back now?? I asked him whether he really wanted to know if I would take him back or whether it was so that I would say no I don't - making it easier for him, as he wouldn't have to do it.

The upsetting thing is that if I hadn't have found out he wouldn't have told me and would have been happy to come and stay during Christmas - what a plank I would have been!

I think something clicked in my head and I am clearer now - I now know that this is the end, which is what I have needed to know for months instead of being left dangling, I could have been much further forward in moving on.

I used to think he was my everything, but now that thought is tarnished and I feel less of him with less respect for him. I think I am angry now too.

I think he was leaving his options open and because I wanted to believe, he led me to believe that we could sort something out. This has also made me look at him differently.

His dad had said to him apparently why doesn't he just ring me and ask to come back and his answer was because I don't want to. Why the hell couldn't he have given me that straight answer?

His mum and dad are really upset and ashamed at how he has behaved - he still insists that he has been honest! Ha!

Anyway, I feel much better for knowing now, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went to counselling yesterday (1st session) and they had it down to a T. I've spent the whole marriage making sure he was happy and that the girls were and somehow forgot about myself along the way.

So until my next session, my daily mantra is "what can I do today to make myself feel good..." and do something, anything everyday for myself, so far I wore some mascara today and my daughter has painted my nails for tomorrow - small steps but I am feeling so much more positive. I have spent too long crying and it is time to stop and start enjoying life

There is no saying I will be like this tomorrow and could be back to a blubbering wreck but one day at a time... thanks for listening, it's a long road ahead but hopefully with your help as well I will get there x

Good for you. I'm sure it won't be easy but stick with the baby steps and you'll get there in the end. He has been wanting to have his cake and eat it while leaving you with the crumbs for too long.

Good luck. X

Yep, take all the money out of any joint accounts, file in court for a legal separation, and consider filing for divorce.

You deserve more than to be lead on meaningless promises.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by solow

Thank you both for your comments, alot of what you have said is what I have been thinking.

Well most of the day I have been crying, unable to stop thinking about what they have been up to. Anyhow, I don't know why but I decided to ring him when I got home.

I spoke to him very calmly and again said to him that he isnt being clear, I said I needed clarity, that he had been stringing me along, which he denied. He finally almost said but not outright that our marriage has ended, he also hinted that his involvement with the other woman was a bit more deeper than what he was first implying.

When I first found out he said that he had blown it and that I wont want him back now??? I asked him whether he really wanted to know if I would take him back or whether it was so that I would say no I don't - making it easier for him, as he wouldnt have to do it.

The upsetting thing is that if I hadnt have found out he wouldnt have told me and would have been happy to come and stay during Christmas - what a plank I would have been!

I think something clicked in my head and I am clearer now - I now know that this is the end, which is what I have needed to know for months instead of being left dangling, I could have been much further forward in moving on.

I used to think he was my everything, but now that thought is tarnished and I feel less of him with less respect for him. I think I am angry now too.

I think he was leaving his options open and because I wanted to believe, he led me to believe that we could sort something out. This has also made me look at him differently.

His dad had said to him apparently why doesnt he just ring me and ask to come back and his answer was because I dont want to. Why the hell couldnt he have given me that straight answer?

His mum and dad are really upset and ashamed at how he has behaved - he still insists that he has been honest! Ha!

Anyway, I feel much better for knowing now, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went to counselling yesterday (1st session) and they had it down to a T. I've spent the whole marriage making sure he was happy and that the girls were and somehow forgot about myself along the way.

So until my next session, my daily mantra is "what can I do today to make myself feel good..." and do something, anything everyday for myself, so far I wore some mascara today and my daughter has painted my nails for tomorrow - small steps but I am feeling so much more positive. I have spent too long crying and it is time to stop and start enjoying life

There is no saying I will be like this tomorrow and could be back to a blubbering wreck but one day at a time.... thanks for listening, its a long road ahead but hopefully with your help as well I will get there x

---

Yes, one day at a time! You've been sensible to seek counselling and make sure to keep your loved ones - the ones you can trust - close. It will be ahrd road to recovery, but the beautiful thing is you'll be rediscovering yourself.

I just want to add all my best wishes to you;stay strong and trust in yourself.
Good luck.

Hi everybody - just a quick response to say thank you so much to everybody, you have no idea what help you are being, I don't know what happened yesterday - I think it was because I took control of the situation why I feel so different - he even said on the phone to me that I sounded different, I was so in control, no tears nothing! I feel so good today, even though there is a long way to go and things will be difficult but like QLP says... baby steps.

I had a slight wobble this morning when I woke up but kept the mantra of "what will you do today to make yourself feel good" playing in my head until I had calmed down.

I feel a slight nervous excitement... which I haven't felt in a long time. I even put some lipstick on this morning and deleted all his text messages that I have been saving up and going over and over and trying to understand.

So thank you everybody - I am going to keep updating here as there are going to be ups and downs so will value your support x

I think you are doing well, but be prepared, as you said. You are facing acceptance, and you are feeling angry at times, which is perfectly normal under the circumstances.

Have you considered keeping a diary and writing your thoughts down in it every day. The good days, the bad days both. There will eventually come a time where you may wonder if you've done the right thing, or a time where you may be feeling vunerable and depressed. It helps to be able to read through a diary to realize not only how far you've come, but why you needed to do what you did. Time has a way of softening the bad, and replacing it will good memories. It will help you to keep your perspective and resolve strong.

I would still be considering the possibility of him wanting to come home. He may very well find that the grass has turned out to be not greener on the other side, and regret what he's done and want to come home again. Are you going to consider that possibility? How do you think you will handle that.

Also one more thing, and that is, I wouldn't be talking to his parents/relatives/friends or mutual friends about what has happened. While you will want to maintain a civil relationship with them for the sake of their children, might be a good time to cut the communication back and forth when it comes to him.

While you are beginning to feel good about your life again, which is wonderful, there are going to be some rough times ahead.

Very impressed that you have seen a counsellor, and hope that you keep going even when you feel you don't need to. There is much to work through, and that too, will open up some wounds, but it is necessary along the path to healing.

Please keep posting with your progress, particularly with Christmas coming up. Have you managed to seek out legal council yet?

Hi I know what you are saying Jake, I know it is going to be a rough road ahead and have been tested today already... he has been on the phone to my daughter today and been telling her that he hasn't been stringing me along etc etc but there you go, she and I know different but I will leave it to her to make her own mind up. What did annoy me though that before all this flared up and I found out about him seeing someone, my daughter went to stay with him for the weekend (she is 21) and they were having a discussion about prison wardens and she was getting wound up about something so he said have a word with my friend and she spoke to this woman over the phone who is a physcologist (sp) - since the whole thing happened last week it has been troubling my daughter (she didn't tell me) thinking that this was the other woman and apparently he has confirmed it was and can't understand why my daughter would be bothered by it.

Arghh! Just found out his parents have told him what I have planned for christmas - I have had to ask them not to give him any info about what I am up to - things have changed now, I am trying to take control back now and it has nothing to do with him anymore.

I think I need to set some rules down i.e. the girls can have contact with their dad when they are ready it is up to them and that is fine, but I don't want them/his mum and dad etc talking about me and what I am doing and I won't ask about what he is doing - is this reasonable?

He has always been in control and I have gone along with it, but it is all about me now, I need to take the control and start moving forward.

I still keep having moments when I am thinking about the 2 of them together - that is the painful bit - any ideas how to cope with this?

Other than that, I feel that I have made a small step forward...

Hi Jake

Also forgot to mention, you said about keeping a diary, I think if I try and post on this thread my thoughts and feelings regularly then this trail would be good to read and also any advice that is given to me.

One more question: how do you deal with the fact that he will be explaining to my girls, his mum and dad etc his version of events to justify his actions which put him in a better light etc not the true events?

Another thing is my daughter said to him that if mum hadn't have found out about this other woman he would still have come and stayed for christmas etc with me unaware - he said he would have told me beforehand! Does anybody really think that? I just wish he would be honest or not say anything at all. Anyway, I have to deal with these comments by not reacting and certainly not telling the girls what I think of him. Hmm not easy.

You are a smart woman, you're thinking practically, and you are naturally concerned about the effect of his girlfriend on your daughters.

I think you are handling it well, just let it be clear that you will listen anytime, but draw the line on making any negative comments, or offering your own opinion. They will need to figure this out on their own, but equally important, they know they can talk to you.

In time, with drawing back on personal information to your ex's family, they will not be so prominent- remember they are struggling with this too, and have more questions than answers. But, they have to get what they need from him, not you.

Boundaries- absolutely! This is no different than any other 'problem' that requires good direction, especially to the kids, but to his parents as well.

When they do call, just say that while you appreciate their concern, you have nothing to offer as to what is going on with him, your only concern is for your daughters. Don't get drawn into any conversations to explain yourself or your life, him or his life, or anything to 'make them feel better'; they have to accept this, and not expect you to play the traditional peacekeeper role and communicator.

When you start thinking of them together, sharing such intimacy that was normaly reserved only for you and him, realize that eventually the infatuation will fade. She will be quickly landing in reality mode, and settling down with a man, and be forced to really take a good long look.

What she sees will not be pleasant, and she will have doubts too. He did after all, cheat on his wife, and destroy his family. Being the 'aftermath' of that might not sit well with her when real life takes over.

Because this is so fresh still, these are moments that you are just going to have. You can't avoid them, and you can't stop the thoughts and feelings that accompany them. To put it in perspective, keep a diary going.

You will have weak moments and writing them out will help. You will eventually see that it bothers you less and less and you will also see that you've made it through another day, week, month. Don't ignore the thoughts, write (purge) them on paper, then put the book away until you write in it again.

Don't minimize your success. I see a lot more positive than negative in what you have been doing and thinking.

I see far more who spin in the starting gate and never start moving. Even thinking about the future without their ex leaves them too angry, or confused and hurt, to move even a few baby steps.

Already you are seeing success, and the confidence you attain through your own actions, will only build on more confidence and success. Each day that you work on your life is a leapyear in therapy!

When you get the 'blues' and this hits you out of nowhere, post and write it out. It's good therapy to hear someone say that you are doing very well, you've had a moment, but your life will go on, and you're doing a good job of moving it in a direction you want it to go.

Keep your chin up. You haven't won the race yet, but you will.

I think we're on the same page here, and posted almost at the same time! Lol

As to what he tells his mother, and your girls, is one thing that you will never have any control over. If he chooses to keep his mouth shut (preferable), and his personal business to himself, that would be the best way. More likely he will feel the need to justify because he knows damn well what he did, and does not want to have his family to know the cold hard truth.

As hard as it is, whatever he says, is out of your control. You can only control how you respond, and I agree, saying nothing at all is the only way to deal with it. Be the bigger person, and not respond to what will likely be ridiculous statements to garner sympathy and acceptance.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by solow

Hi Jake

Also forgot to mention, you said about keeping a diary, I think if I try and post on this thread my thoughts and feelings regularly then this trail would be good to read and also any advice that is given to me.

One more question: how do you deal with the fact that he will be explaining to my girls, his mum and dad etc his version of events to justify his actions which put him in a better light etc not the true events?

Another thing is my daughter said to him that if mum hadnt have found out about this other woman he would still have come and stayed for christmas etc with me unaware - he said he would have told me beforehand!! Does anybody really think that? I just wish he would be honest or not say anything at all. Anyway, I have to deal with these comments by not reacting and certainly not telling the girls what I think of him. hmm not easy.

---

If faced with direct questions I would answer them factually and honestly but without giving any opinion on the matter. If the people who are asking are genuinely wanting to understand they will work the rest out for themselves.

If faced with comments that sound like criticism of you, or defence of him, that you don't agree, with I would say something like,'well when people fall out they naturally feel differently about what has happened but there's no point apportioning blame, we both need to move forwards on this.' This is a very polite way of saying you don't agree but you aren't up for playing silly games.

Try not to get tied up in knots about what would have happened 'if this or if that.. ' Just try to deal with what has happened. He didn't tell you before you found out and that was unacceptable but you already know that. Tell him you're not interested in endlessly going over what has already happened or his reasons for it, his behaviour was unacceptable full stop. If he wants an on-going dialogue with you then it needs to be relevant to the situation NOW and honest.

Remember those baby steps, keep them moving forward, it's the only direction to go, no matter how slowly. Don't let your husband or other relatives drag you back.

We are all rooting for you. X

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation. You broke up, it’s over. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how he's going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life has closed and tell yourself that you’re going to have to get over it and move on. It didn’t work out and it probably wasn’t meant to be. Accept that fact and move on.

Go the No Contact route and for goodness sake file for divorce - he's been jerking you around long enough. In my opinion he’s saying that although he still likes you and may be atttracted to you that he doesn’t want to be with you. It means he’s 99% sure he doesn’t want to be with you instead of being 100%. He wants to keep you around as a back up plan, in case things don't work out with the new woman. You deserve a man that loves and respects you. Remember - after the storm comes the sun! :p

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Devorameira

I am sorry about the breakup, but before you can move on you need to accept the reality of your situation. You broke up, it’s over. Let reality sink in. Don’t allow yourself to harbor secret fantasies of getting back together or how he's going to come crawling back to you. Respect that this chapter of your life has closed and tell yourself that you’re going to have to get over it and move on. It didn’t work out and it probably wasn’t meant to be. Accept that fact and move on.

Go the No Contact route and for goodness sake file for divorce - he's been jerking you around long enough. In my opinion he’s saying that although he still likes you and may be atttracted to you that he doesn’t want to be with you. It means he’s 99% sure he doesn’t want to be with you instead of being 100%. He wants to keep you around as a back up plan, in case things don't work out with the new woman. You deserve a man that loves and respects you. Remember - after the storm comes the sun! :p

---

Hi I understand what you are saying and you are right it is just very hard, when you say it probably wasn't meant to be seems difficult especially as we have been married over 23 years, I am now 43, and it seems an awful lot of time spent for something that wasn't meant to be, especially when you think it will last forever and especially when they say that you were a fantastic wife, and that he is doing this to free me up and one day I will thank him.

I know I am putting him on a pedestal at the moment but I don't know whether it is because somebody has now got something that was mine, I'm jealous of that I think, also she is slim and I need to lose about 2 stone, she is intelligent, she doesn't have any ties, no kids, never been married in her early 40s and I think she is looking to settle and has pounced on him - I am probably exaggerating and you always think somebody is having a far better time and everything is rosy.

I am improving but then I wake up this morning and feel scared and alone and then start the negative thoughts and think what they may be doing, and think that he has fallen on his feet.

I suppose baby steps - managed to get through yesterday without any tears... just want to get rid of this feeling of loss and rejection.

He was right about one thing. You are too good for him.

It warms my heart seeing how you have gotten better over the course of this thread.

You will get better and better.

Let him know that the door to your house, and to your heart, has been closed. Slammed actually.

All by his own doing.

He is a cheater. And a liar.

You will be fine without him.

He thought he could play house with another woman while he was out of town. He thought that he could put you on the back burner, and keep you there until he saw how this new relationship worked out.

How dare he play with your heart like this?

Yes, it will take time, but you sound like you are off on the right foot.

There's a lot of people here that are ready to help you with the transition.

Go start the new life that you deserve.

God bless you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

He was right about one thing. You are too good for him.

It warms my heart seeing how you have gotten better over the course of this thread.

You will get better and better.

Let him know that the door to your house, and to your heart, has been closed. Slammed actually.

All by his own doing.

He is a cheater. And a liar.

You will be fine without him.

He thought he could play house with another woman while he was out of town. He thought that he could put you on the back burner, and keep you there until he saw how this new relationship worked out.

How dare he play with your heart like this?

Yes, it will take time, but you sound like you are off on the right foot.

There's a lot of people here that are ready to help you with the transition.

Go start the new life that you deserve.

God bless you.

---

Thank you so much for your response - it takes my breathe away as to how many people want to help and advise me - I wish I could be outside looking in as well, things would be so much clearer - I suppose I have to go through this despair and pain in order to heal but it is so hard when you are living in.

When I went to see a counsellor for the first time last Sunday, he said that although I wouldn't see it now, but to view this as an opportunity - I really hope that I can keep focusing on this, it is all about me now, but unfortunately he is sitting on my shoulder at the moment constantly in my mind, whispering in my ear.

I am trying, really I am, I would love more than anything for this hurt to go away - this thread and everybody contributing to it is helping me more than you know. Thanks again x

Sorry everybody but can I ask another question? When I found out my husband was seeing somebody else, he was saying but we are separated so its okay and that he is happy for me to meet others and who knows what the future will hold. We have been separated for 9 months but we are still legally married - is it fine to do this or am I being a bit naïve? Sorry I have so many questions going around my head.