Ask Me Help Desk - problems with the 29 year old

problems with the 29 year old

I have two children from a previous marriage and one from my current marriage they are aged 29,27 and 21 I am having problems with the 29 year old? I have been married to my current husband for over 20years so all children he has provided for and brought up. The older children don't see their birth father. Our eldest son has always been a challenge and has never reached his full potential. He has been working abroad and has been back living with us for 4 months. He has been a nightmare, disrespectful, rude to me and others. He and his dad had a big argument because of this disrespect and my son then smashed the car window in temper. My husband told him to leave and he is currently living with his friend. He has no permanent work. This happened about 8 weeks ago. This has put a wedge between my husband and me because he won't let him come back in the family home until he changes. My husband arranged to meet him the other night and although he apologised for the car situation he says he thinks he has no reason to change. I have tried talking to him, I have been kind, angry but nothing seems to work. Do I step back from the situation and let him go for a while? I have always been over protective I admit

You should support your husband, and not allow the ADULT son, ( he is not a child anymore) to come home.

If he ever comes home, he should have a job and pay rent, pay for car window being broken (first) and live by rules.

You should have kicked him out of the house for the disrespt long before your husband had to

I have no idea why this is a wedge between you, obviously you should not believe son needs to come back home??

Your husband is right. Your son is an adult and should be living on his own unless he is employed full time and paying rent.

It's time for your son to learn some respect. Stop protecting him mom, he needs a good swift kick in the arse.

I know you are right but it is really hard for me any tips on trying to make it any easier or anymore thoughts and advice would be very much appreciated. It has come between myself and my husband because really don't like the fact that he can't come back to the family home and I really worry that he is OK. But I have tried an at a loss and feel in a very dark place right now

He is almost 30 years old. Time to cut the umbilical cord mom. You need to be supportive of your husband through this. After all, he is the one thinking reasonably.

He he shouldn't come back to the family home. He is 29, not 9. At his age he needs to learn to sink or swim. You have raised him the best you can, now it's time to let him put what you taught him to work for him.

You ou won't be here forever, he needs to learn to take care of himself. I hope he has no children.

No he has no children and us not currently in a relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peedles

No he has no children and us not currently in a relationship

That's a good thing mom. You need to know that you raised him the best you could. Children don't come with a set of instructions.

Now ow its time to let him stand on his own two feet. You can't rescue him forever. You and your husband need to provide a united front. You need to be on the same page. Your son is/was taking advantage of you. Being disrespectful of a parent is a game ender. He has shown his violent tendencies. He won't stop there if you let him back.

In time he will learn the err of his ways. Right now, follow the lead your husband has provided. If you continue to coddle your son you are only doing him a disservice.

Do you really think and believe this? What if I lose him forever ?

Also when I say come back home my husband won't let him visit until he is ready to change and now my son has cut me off because I was strong with him the other day. What if he ends up in a mess I just worry so much I am not saying you are wrong with your advice at all but am finding it very hard

What kind of a mess are you thinking he could end up in?

It's time he learns there are consequences for actions. Have you always bailed him out and smoothed out life for him?

In all honesty I suppose I have

What about his getting into a mess? What mess?

Well for instance if he can't get enough work to support himself and he ends up on the streets

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peedles

Well for instance if he can't get enough work to support himself and he ends up on the streets

Your first impulse will be to rescue him somehow. What do you think he will do if you don't do or say anything at all, just ignore the situation??

Hi Mom, all above there are right. You have done your job by making him understand what he is doing ! Now it is time for him to realize what is the value of "FAMILY". Just keep an eye whether he is fine or not but don't just go to him to call him back until he respects you and your husband.

Hi guys really appreciate thus help in all honesty not sure what he would do if I didn't contact him or did anything?

You are welcome. Just keep an eye on him, and don't worry. He is not a kid, mom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Peedles

Hi guys really appreciate thus help in all honesty not sure what he would do if I didn't contact him or did anything?

Could you take that step back and wait? Would you be strong enough to establish that boundary? It would be very [what?] ------

I call it initiating tough love. You will always be a mom but this is the time to NOT contact him, as he is probably just waiting for you to do so to throw more crap your way. Cut the apron strings, he will be fine I am sure, let him stew a bit and think about the situation he is in.

' I have always been over protective I admit'

And that is a big reason why he is this way. Not all of it, and it isn't a matter of blame but of explanation. Each parent is some type of parent, so try not to feel bad, but keep the realization in your mind while you let your husband be the decisive one now.

Think of it this way: You can coddle him at home forever, and he can end up dead or on the streets anyway, from drugs or suicide or who knows what. Why? From feelings of worthlessness, and watching his peers have careers and families. From misdirected anger at you and your husband, because he hates himself for being dependent on you. YOU CANNOT PROTECT AN ADULT CHILD!!!

He will never stop being your child, and you will always want things to go well for him, but you do need to allow him to find his own way, even if that sometimes means finding out the hard way. Right now, he is getting an idea of the consequences some of his choices can bring, and that is a good thing.

He is living with a friend, so not on the street. Odds are, this friend will ask for some help with rent, electric, something, and your son will gain another lesson. He apparently managed while living and working abroad, so he can do so here.

Perhaps he is angry at his own choices, and wishes he had made different ones sooner. His frustration on not being in a better position at his age possibly is causing him to be angry with everyone else as well.

Remind him that you love and care about him, and that you know he can take care of himself (as he has shown living abroad). He now knows what needs to change to be back in your home. Let him be stubborn about it and give it some thought for awhile. Chances are, as he sorts himself out with work and goals, he will sort himself out with his behavior as well.

Why cN I not continue this thread?

Oh it's OK now I have got up this morning felling weak and I'll again you all gave me so much strength yesterday . I am tempted to email him to tell him the door us always open when he is ready to talk to me and my husband is this me just cracking?

You are continuing it.

My thought... If sending him an email telling him that you love him dearly, that you have faith in his ability to set goals and follow through, and that your home is welcome to him when he has given some thought to his part in situation, than fine, but then let it go at that.

It will give you a bit of closure on the matter and then leave it up to him from then on. He'll know that he is not cut off, but that he needs to show some responsibility.

Just be matter of fact, short and to the point. You and your husband have no doubt helped him out over the years, recently allowed him a place to stay for several months, and his rudeness and disrespect are not welcome. He is an adult, and you would expect him to demonstrate respectful behavior, especially when you have been helping him out.

Thanks for your response anyone else got any thoughts in this just frightened of making a mistake by doing this but yes do feel it might help me to just send it to him

Sorry not sure what you mean by say continuing it? Sorry could you expand on that please ?

Did you mean continuing the mothering? You nay be right but feel it might just help me to be stronger knowing that I have told him I live him and when he is ready to change and come and speak to me and my husband together about things the door is open? What do you think?

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

You are continuing it.

Would you come back to me with your expanded thoughts please

Please understand that we are all volunteers here. We take time out of our busy days/nights to answer questions without compensation.

Now, with that said... I don't have an issue with you sending your son an email, you just don't want it to be sappy and apologetic. Your son has been taking advantage of you for way too long and it's time to get a backbone and stand up for yourself.

He has been mooching off of you, and has been disrespectful, for far too long. He is almost 30 years old for crying out loud.

For reference, I am a mother of two sons about your son's age. I feel for you, I really do. However, you can't let him to continue to walk all over you. He lived abroad for a while so he knows what it is like to be on his own, however, it is easier to live off someone he knows he can take advantage of. Rather than feeling sorry for yourself, you should be pi$$ed off that he put you in this position. He is manipulating you and he knows it.

Where I am from, the deep south of the U.S. you respect your mother, you don't take advantage of her.

Quote:

the door us always open when he is ready to talk to me and my husband

Better yet, you tell him the door is always open when he is ready to follow the rules that you and your husband set aside. If he is not willing to follow those rules, he is not welcome.

You have to take some perspective on this, because you can't see the benefit of what your husband is doing.

We aren't talking about a 16 year old who needs tough love here. We're talking about a perfectly capable man, who makes his own decisions, because he is a man now.

What you are actually doing is enabling bad behavior, and not only that, you are, by your own actions (wanting him back in the family home) preventing him from growing up, and being held accountable, because he is an adult. What lesson are you teaching him, by allowing his bad behavior to continue.

He needs to grow up, and you are not letting him.

Your husband is very, very right to do what he did. He could have called the police and had your son charged, but instead booted his sorry butt out, and quite without any trouble at all, your son was able to find another place to live.

If you don't let him grow up now, while he still has a chance to turn his life around because he is young, when are you going to allow him to grow up?

Thanks so much for your help I just need to keep getting confirmation that what I am doing is right. I find it very hard so I think will have to keep coming back for help with this.

Why keep feeding your own fear and worry about your grown child who may be muddling along finding his own path (like we all did). Your kids are grown, let them keep growing, and you grow out of that fear by building a great life around what YOU enjoy, not around the constant worry about them.

It's a helluva transition from a parent/child relationship,to a more balanced healthy one between adult parents and ADULT kids, and it never happens if you both cannot grow and have MUTUAL respect, and love.

Geez mom, you can't even love and enjoy them as adults, until you accept them as adults and let them be adults, making their own mistakes and finding their own solutions, and wiping their own booboo's. It also seems you need to remove that wedge between you and your husband, so you can enjoy all the fruits of your own labor, so let go of your fear and worry and get a life.

Not to be harsh or judgemental, but problems with other adults are best resolved by leaving them alone to do their own thing their way, so give your son at least that much respect. Hard as it is for you, he is probably enjoying his independence and freedom and your fears and worry are for nothing. He will be okay, and you have never been able to control him anyway. Why do you think you can NOW?

Be grateful you have adult kids, but enjoy your partner to the max, as it would be a darn shame to ruin THAT relationship trying to hold onto kids that are GONE from the nest.

Thanks for that I was feeling bad this morning and it's given me a kick up the bottom . I have left him to it and not been in touch but it's a massive transition for me and I find it very hard.

It is a tough transition for most of us trust me, but it's a rewarding process if you do good things for yourself and your husband, and if I read right, you have a good relationship with your other kids, so you have plenty of other good things to focus on while this works itself out.

Its quite a challenge though. Easier if you focus on the good and not feed the fear, and I can safely say that kids will drive you NUTS forever.

But I am doing the right thing stepping away right ? I don't in all honesty think I have any other option as I have tried everything else xxx

You are doing the right thing, and like I stated before, you have to intiate 'tough love'. Keep your spirit up and believe in yourself.

Yes, you are doing the right thing. It's time to cut the umbilical cord and let him stand on his own two feet.

Backing off is absolutely the right thing and you will feel better when you focus on the good things you CAN control.

I am having a real wobble this morning feel like I'm a bad mum please help with some more encouragement I am crying while writing this

Get a grip on yourself. I can see where the problem is really and how he tied you around his finger for so long.