Ok I know I might be in the wrong place here but I'll put it in and see what happens.
This is going to be a long thread so apologies in advance.
Ok, this all started about when I was 20 I am now 24. Before I started thinking things like this there were some big changes in my life and I started suffering from a very deep depression.
When I was at school I was not the most popular person but was kind of a class clown and I never really went out with allot of girls. Actually I think most girls went out with me for a joke or they were not really interested, I was just there with my other friends and there girlfriends and I suppose they did not want to feel the odd one out if they were not with anybody.
Anyway this sort of happened all the way through junior school and high school. In the last year of high school I started going out with this girl everyone else thought she was a bit of an idiot, but I did not get that much attention off girls so when she asked me out I jumped at the chance. Anyway this was my first sexual experience so I was about 14 maybe fifteen. It was not great as I did not know what I was doing. When I cane back into school on the following week I walked into the classroom where she also had a lesson and everyone started laughing at me apparently she told everyone that I was rubbish to have sex with and not long after that we split up, no surprise there!
So anyway after I left school I had a couple of relationships, the first one was OK but I sort of felt like she was not into it we had sex I thought it was good but maybe she did not. Not long after we split up cause she went off with someone else. The next relationship I had was with this great girl, she was not the best looking but she was so nice and we had great sex. Her friends even told me in secret that it was the best sex she had, so obviously this increased my confidence, especially because of the bad experience I had before in the past.
Anyway we split up it was kind of a mutual thing. Just after we split up at this point in my life I started taking drugs like ecstasy and other things, I met theses bunch of people who were into the same thing and I started going to house party's on a weekend. I loved this part of my life everything was great I had this group of people who I really got on with and my confidence was at an all time high, I did not think of girls that much at this point in my life, but always felt like a wanted a girlfriend. So anyway I started having sex with this girl I did not really like that much but I needed to have sex, and it was convenient because she lived so close and she was always “up for it". I think she wanted more out of what was going on but I just wanted sex.
Well anyway this is when I started developing a medical condition I started getting these sort of spasms in my neck and in my face my neck would seize up and my facial muscles. It was now that I started developing a depression, I found it hard to look at people and talk to them because of these spasms. I shut myself off and stopped going out and used to cry all the time I even attempted suicide. Allot of my so called friends used to take the Mick out of me because I looked so uncomfortable round people because I could not look at them and always looked miserable they used to call me boring. Obviously this did not help and only sunk me deeper into depression. Whenever I used to talk to people I used to go bright red and tense up. That’s when people started saying I was gay I over heard people talking about me at work saying yeah he’s a bit weird isn’t he, do you think he might be gay? and that played on my mind all the time because I was thinking "what me gay? Because I had always had strong believes against homosexuality. I went through a phase of trying to pretend I was this super confident person and that I did not need anybody else and turned into a real . Putting up a front I suppose, as if I was saying "If you don’t like me I don’t care cause I don't like you" but really deep down inside I knew I cared because I felt like I had been shunned out off everybody I knew and everyone I would ever meet would just do the same thing,
So any way I started going out with this girl who I was having sex with, even though I did not like her, I just felt like I was not good enough for anyone else and this was my only option. The relationship lasted about 4 years. About 2 years into the relationship I was still very depressed was unemployed and did not even want to leave the house, because when I was walking along the street I thought people were laughing at me. So about 2 years in anyway I was watching big brother and there was this guy on and I looked at him and got a weird feeling that I have never experienced before and I thought wow I might be gay so anyway I never really thought anything of it. Thinking back now I can't really remember what happened after that but I sort of did go though a phase of watching the T.V and finding other men attractive to look at but never thinking I would want to have sex them. When I seen a good looking man on the T.V I would get a feeling but even now I am not sure what I am feeling because of my depression I don't know what it is cause my emotions are all over on a daily basis.
So any way after I split up with her I was out looking for girls, even when I was with her I used to go on dating websites and add girls and talk to them on msn and they used to send me picks and I used to get instantly aroused. I was still very depressesed at this stage and to be honest my depression has never really left me.
I started a new job a couple of years ago and I was determined to not go red when I talk to people and be as friendly as possible. Anyway it sort of paid off because people seemed to like me and I started seeing this girl who I am still seeing today. When we first started going out we had sex all the time and it was great we used to go away and have sex all the time. This other girl at work said she fancied me while I was going out with my girlfriend. I know I should not have done it but as I was still insecure and thought "hey this is good another girl likes me don’t let this one slip though”. So anyway I did not sleep with her I just kissed her we sent tests to each other all the time but then it just sort of faded out. At the beginning of this year I was made redundant both me and my girlfriend. So we were stuck in the house together for about three months till I found a job. Anyway I am going one bit now so I will just say this I lost the new job I had as it was just a temp job now I have been unemployed now for about 3 months had allot of time to think and when I am watching the TV now I am getting very strong feeling watching men in the TV and I am not totally attracted to my girlfriend much. I think I might be Gay but I am so scared because I don’t want to be. I love my girlfriend very much and don’t want to break her heart. I don’t want to be gay but it sort of has been going on for a while so I am sort of convincing myself that I am. It's weird cause now I get theses feeling round my friends who I have known for years, these I my good friends though not the so called friends who use to take the piss out of me. I am looking at men on the street and in the gym as well and getting these feelings. I'm not sure if it is because I am stuck in the house 24 hours a day and have got too much time to think, but I’m thinking about it all the time now.
Does this sound like I am gay do people go through parts of there life when they are attracted to the same sex? Am I bi sexual? I still get turned on when having sex with my girlfriend and love her body. Am I in denial?
I'm so scared confused and unhappy at the moment. I would really appreciate if someone could reply to this. I know it is a bit long but I needed to speak to someone!
Thank very much
I.G