I am a 20 year old female in a relationship with a man, also 20, who almost always puts his pleasure first. We have been together for almost a year now, and yet he has never given me an orgasm. Towards the beginning of the relationship, everything was fine--there was still enough excitement for me to be satisfied, if not completely so. Now, I feel like giving up on him.

I have tried almost everything--I've told him what I'd like to have done, and I've showed him what I would like him to do to me. We've tried different positions, we've tried adding manual stimulation, bondage... We've even had a threesome (with another girl). He's buying me a riding crop. I'm buying him lube. But I don't think that either of those things will make much of a difference. Tonight, we had another threesome (same girl), and she was actually much better than he was! In fact, I think that he and I had the worst sex ever during this escapade. I am so sick and tired of the lack of effort that he's putting in that I'm going to propose a break if it doesn't get better. Like I've said, we've talked about me not being pleased, and I think we've tried everything but anal sex and vibrators. I'm open to anything.

Also, it should be known that I AM able to have an orgasm. I have an orgasm almost every time that I masturbate (which is more often these days). I am attracted to my boyfriend--I love him, actually. And there are no medical problems keeping us from having good sex. No medications, no psychological stuff, nothing that goes on during the day that makes us tired... We have sex 3-5 mediocre times a week. So what's the deal? Why can't he please me?

You say that he almost always puts his pleasure first, but you also say everything that you have tried and it sounds like he is trying to put effort into it. Are you trying too hard? Do you actually spend time getting aroused before you get into 'bed'?

Are you so used to the way you bring yourself off that he can't match it? Have you let him explore your body to see if you are reacting differently to his touch than you do your own? Do you really relax and let go when he touches you or is there some part of you that is staying 'in charge' to direct things the way you appear to think they should go?

Has he gotten to the point where subconsciously he doesn't think he can please you so he has given up? It may be something he doesn't realize he is doing. While at the same time, some part of your brain may be to the point of saying he can't 'get the job done' and shuts down. If the new person came closer than he has, then it may be both of you are shutting down or it may be that, though you love him, he isn't compatible with you on a sexual level.

IF you go on a break are you expecting to get with other people to see if they can do what your boyfriend hasn't?

Everything that we have tried, we have tried at my suggestion. Am I aroused before hand? Sometimes. Sometimes I am ready and raring to go, but he pushes me away. Then whenever he wants to have sex, he doesn't take the time to get me aroused, so...

I reach orgasm in different ways, that shouldn't be the problem. Yes, I react differently to his touch--in a positive way. Yes, I relax. No, I don't direct much. I give feedback. I'm not a mindreader, so I don't know about his subconscious.

I'd sleep with other people on a break, but I wouldn't become emotionally attached to anyone. I love my boyfriend. If I slept with anyone it would be out of a curiosity to see if they could do what he can't, and if they did, I'd take notes.

Don't let him get his until you get yours. He'll figure out what works for you!

If that means no penis in the vagina, so be it. His goal is to put it there... Your orgasm means he can.