Ask Me Help Desk - Mother and in-laws problem

I've been dating and now engaged to my fiancé for five years and her and her parents have planned the whole wedding. Now my mom tells me that she feels left out and that its ignorant of all of them for not calling to see if she wants to be involved. She as also tells me that they all never tried to get to know her.

All of this is true but they don't intentionally do this. They are all busy and I'm at fault too for not seeing this happening. And my mom doesn't forgive easily and tends to hold grudges and told me she wants nothing to do with them but will be nice when she has to. There is still quite a bit to do with the wedding but she feels that she is an afterthought now and probably won't accept any invitation.

I don't know what to do and I know not all families get along but I want to fix this but my mom is a stubborn woman.

Please any advice is appreciated.

Generally the parents of the bride pay for the wedding so if your fiance's parents are paying, then they may feel they have the right to do most of the planning. Explain this to your mom, tell her they aren't leaving her out from malice.

As I recall, however, there are some things the groom's family is responsible for. Like the rehearsal dinner. So find the things the groom's family is supposed to do and work with your mom to do them. Tell your fiancé that your mom is feeling left out and make sure there are things set aside for her to do. If your fiancé doesn't want future problems she will make sure her future mother-in-law doesn't feel left out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Generally the parents of the bride pay for the wedding so if your fiance's parents are paying, then they may feel they have the right to do most of the planning. Explain this to your mom, tell her they aren't leaving her out from malice.

As I recall, however, there are some things the groom's family is responsible for. Like the rehearsal dinner. So find the things the groom's family is supposed to do and work with your mom to do them. Tell your fiancé that your mom is feeling left out and make sure there are things set aside for her to do. If your fiancé doesn't want future problems she will make sure her future mother-in-law doesn't feel left out.

Thank you for your response. I have explained this but like I said my mom doesn't forgive easily and once she is mad its hard for her to reason with people. She feels very hurt that she was never given a thought as far as being involved. Ive told her there's still a lot to plan but she's very stubborn and don't even want to be around my fiancés family at this time.

I'm sorry, but that is HER problem. Not yours and not your fiance's! While I agree your fiancée should have made a better attempt to involve her, its still her problem that she is acting this way. She is the one going to miss out of the wedding, and a relationship with her new daughter. This has to be impressed on her. But not by you, is your father around? Does she have siblings who can talk to her?

Did your mom make an effort to get to know them? Did she call, set up meetings for lunch, or tea, or a dinner at her home so she could get to know them?

It's a two way street. If she never called and asked to be a part of things, maybe they thought she wasn't interested in being involved. If you want something, ask for it. If she sat around waiting for the phone to ring begging for her to be involved, then it's as much her fault as theirs. Maybe they didn't have time to molly coddle her. After all, they are planning a wedding. If she wanted in on it, she should have picked up the phone.

She has no right to be upset about this based on what you posted.

Add:

My parents paid for our wedding. My mother in law paid for the rehearsal dinner, and the flowers, and that's it. My parents paid for everything else, and the honeymoon too.

My husband and I planned the wedding. We included my parents once we had made our choices, but only because they had to write the cheque.

I included my mother in law on the flowers, because she was paying for those, and the location of the rehearsal dinner. Everything else, she wasn't involved in.

Maybe you and your fiancé need to step things up and involve both parents. This is as much your fault as it is your future inlaws and your mothers.

Is this rift about the wedding, or does this go back to the 5 years of the relationship? Why haven't you asked your fiancé for some help in this? Sounds to me like your families haven't gotten along that great for quite a while, and this is the results.

Is there a reason YOU have not talked to your fiance's family or your mom hasn't offered her help?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I'm sorry, but that is HER problem. Not yours and not your fiance's! While I agree your fiancée should have made a better attempt to involve her, its still her problem that she is acting this way. She is the one going to miss out of the wedding, and a relationship with her new daughter. This has to be impressed on her. But not by you, is your father around? Does she have siblings who can talk to her?

My father passed when I was a baby and she haa no siblings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Is this rift about the wedding, or does this go back to the 5 years of the relationship? Why haven't you asked your fiancé for some help in this? Sounds to me like your families haven't gotten along that great for quite a while, and this is the results.

Is there a reason YOU have not talked to your fmashingiance's family or your mom hasn't offered her help?

I was unaware my mother had these feelings until recently. Sthat come off as ignoranthe tends to bottle things up then shell blow at any given time. My fiancé and her mother is now aware of this but my mother pribably won't truly accept any apology. This rift is an accumulation of these over the years such as everyone together at holidays and no one making an effort to get to know her despite her trying to start conversations. My fiancés family does have certain people in it that come off as ignorant.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Did your mom make an effort to get to know them? Did she call, set up meetings for lunch, or tea, or a dinner at her home so she could get to know them?

It's a two way street. If she never called and asked to be a part of things, maybe they thought she wasn't interested in being involved. If you want something, ask for it. If she sat around waiting for the phone to ring begging for her to be involved, then it's as much her fault as theirs. Maybe they didn't have time to molly coddle her. After all, they are planning a wedding. If she wanted in on it, she should have picked up the phone.

She has no right to be upset about this based on what you posted.

Add:

My parents paid for our wedding. My mother in law paid for the rehearsal dinner, and the flowers, and that's it. My parents paid for everything else, and the honeymoon too.

My husband and I planned the wedding. We included my parents once we had made our choices, but only because they had to write the cheque.

I included my mother in law on the flowers, because she was paying for those, and the location of the rehearsal dinner. Everything else, she wasn't involved in.

Maybe you and your fiancé need to step things up and involve both parents. This is as much your fault as it is your future inlaws and your mothers.

My mother has made efforts in the past and always said to call to get together because my fiancé has a busier schedule and tends to be VERY flaky when it comes to making plans and especially being on time.

I can almost understand your mom's feelings at losing the center of her life to some strangers (After 5 years) she has little or no healthy relationship with. I am sure you can too. Sorry guy but I doubt this will get any easier as the wedding draws near, or even after. Weddings are stressful times, and you will just have to get through it since it's obvious you get no help from the in laws or your fiancé.

Unfortunately you have no control over anyone but yourself, so keep a cool head and love your mom, because obviously they won't, and your side of the family is just plain outnumbered so don't hold your moms anger and resentment at these sleights against her, it's almost expected. Support her no matter what she does on the wedding day, because right or wrong she is still your mom.

Sorry guy, I see many more conflicts in the future, just wait for the grand kids to show up, so you better get use to dealing with it, and being in the middle of it. Not an enviable position, but just be a good son, husband, and father, and leave the drama and squabbling to others. I personally don't agree with your moms position or attitude but right or wrong she is your mom, but she had to see this coming even if you didn't (I honestly question that you didn't), and as for your inlaws, be nice but screw them!

You should have had a clue when your own fiancé never made time in her busy(?) life to get to know your mom for 5 years! Sorry again guy but that's on you too, not just her. My conclusion is you don't have a clue what you are getting into, but you will wise up fast. Maybe it gets better, but I don't see it, but I do see your blissful ignorance coming to an end. Maybe it should have a few years ago.

My parents hosted the after wedding get together/dinner are your inlaws allowing this? Is your fiance? Why NOT?

Have to agree with everything talaniman said,weddings are very exciting but it's only one day which will soon be over and sadly cannot be changed you need to sort this out BEFORE the wedding... you only have one mum( even if you think it's mainly her fault).Sorry but I can already see who wears the trousers in your relationship and it's more than one person.