How can I deal with my negative views on my wife's sexual history?
My wife and I have been together for almost a year and we are in our early 20's. We are very honest and open with each other, including about our past sexual history. We have a great marriage and are very trusting of one another. Unfortunately, I feel very guilty making this post - I feel as though I am being untrustworthy by divulging details of our personal lives, so I am attempting to do it in the most anonymous way possible.
My issue comes in that I am not comfortable with my wife's past sexual history. This is a topic that we've learned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... and sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets.
I lost my virginity at 16 to a girl I had dated for six months by that point. After that, the next two girls I had sex with, I dated both for more than a year and a half... the second of which I lived with for 2 years and dated for a total of 3. By the age of 21, if you kept count, I had been with 3 different people, which I suspect is "low" for a 21-year-old. I don't really believe in random hook-ups, so I really only had sex with people I was in a serious relationship with. I then had a one-time only one-night stand that I felt very guilty about. I have apologized to my wife for having that in my history. I did it at the time out of insecurity when I broke up with the girl I had been with for 3 years, but I decided it was not how I wanted to conduct myself - it violated my moral code on sex and relationships. Shortly after this one-night-stand I met my wife (I was now 22), and she became my 5th (and of course, final) sex partner. All but 1 of my 5 were the result of committed, 1 year + relationships.
With a fairly rigid Christian upbringing, my wife did not lose her virginity until she was 18 to a boyfriend of 8 months. Between the ages of 18-21 (I met her shortly after she turned 21), she had sex with 7 people, me being the 8th. Only 2 of those 7 was she in an actual relationship with (again, the first one of 8 months and 1 of just over a year). Of the remaining 5 she had sex with (if you did the math, over a course of just over 1 year), she claims to have had some feelings for all of them, but by and large, she hopped in the sack with them moments after meeting them, and the "relationship" had ended a matter of days or maybe a couple of weeks later.
One of those remaining 5 was quite abusive to her.
Another was the brother of her own brother-in-law (her sister's husband's brother - and no, neither her sister nor her brother-in-law know about it). Although she claims to have only "hooked up" with people she (at least on her end) wanted to develop a relationship with, it seems doubtful to me that being a smart and level-headed girl that she had any intention of developing a relationship with her sister's husband's brother, or someone abusive.
Another one of these 5 was a one-night stand.
And another one was with "just a friend."
... furthermore, she has sex with several of these males only 1 or 2 times total - meaning, she was well-aware that she was simply spreading her legs for them, not actually in any kind of committed relationship. After those 1 or 2 times, she often did not hear from them again. It's kind of like she allowed herself to be repeatedly "used."
Also, to add to the list, she disliked one her close male friends' fiancée, so she rubbed him off in his pants to piss off the fiancée. She claims to have felt bad about this, but sometimes she jokes about it like it was no big deal.
Her best female friend has confirmed multiple times (in open converation where all 3 of us were present) that my wife often worked very hard to appear "sexy" to others and attract guys to her, made very sexual conversation with guys just to try to stimulate them and get them to pay attention to her, and that she often had loose sexual values. She would attract the "wrong kinds" of attention to herself - she is very beautiful quite naturally, so it's fairly easy for her to do.
Now, please understand that I am not passing judgment on people who do live very sexually active lifestyles - that is their choice - but what bothers me is as follows...
... despite the fact she claims to have the same sexual and relationship values as I do (which is very important to me that my wife and I feel the same way on important moral issues - and we do for the most part), she does not believe she did anything wrong at any point. She does not feel she was slutty, or that she ever had sex with someone she didn't care about, and she often refers to herself as having been very sexually repressed - she believes her sexual activity was in fact very minimal and always the result of true feelings for the male involved.
Often, if I try to verbalize my thoughts and issues, my wife is quite defensive - naturally so, I often say exactly what I am thinking, and unfortunately, those thoughts can be hurtful. Nobody wants to hear their husband say, "When you tell me about your history, it sounds like you were a slut." Although her best friend and I strongly believe that my wife grew up very insecure, and as a result, she was rather promiscuous - she totally denies it and believes she was a "good girl" at all points and made good decisions.
I, at this point, have no trust issues and do not suspect that my wife would ever cheat on me - so for those of you who might be thinking that maybe I am insecure because I'm afraid she will hook up with someone else, that isn't the case. I know my wife and I are 100% loyal to each other. That really is what both her and I want.
Sometimes I think all I want to hear is that she believes now, based on the sexual and relationship values that she has, that she was in fact rather "slutty," regrets it, and can acknowledge that her behavior was not really in line with her true moral code... I also want to hear her tell me that she really did not only have sex with people she cared about, and that she was at points kind of "easy"... but, my wife will never go so far as admitting she may have been (at one point) a slut or whore-ish. I also get concerned in case we have a daughter one day - how is my wife going to teach her own daughter how to be self-respecting when she was seldom so herself? She basically had sex with anyone who would pay a little bit of attention to her or fake a little affection.
Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.
My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it never seems to phase her, I have difficulty putting it aside... and I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.
So, my questions are as follows:
a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.