I know that Pete did not mean anything by this and he was trying to hurt me in any way but I was almost in tears last night and I just need to get this off my chest.

His mate has who we spend a lot of time with went through a bad break up a couple of months ago. We have supported him as best we can and he is really starting to move on now which is fab. Petes mate really fancies my mate 'S' and we were talking about her last night.

My birthday is coming up and I have made plans for a nightout. I said to Petes mate that if nothing happened with 'S' then some of my other single friends were going to be out. (I said this in a jokingly way) and then he enquired who would be joining us. I told him their names and then mentioned that one had a baby. Petes mate was not bothered by this at all, but Pete looked up and said "well thats her out then".

I asked him what he meant and he said "well she has a baby, so she's a no goer".

He knows I had an abortion a few years ago - so my next question to him was - "so if I had a baby, your saying you would not have touched me with a barge pole" and he responded with "No I would not have "

At that point I could feel tears welling up in my eyes so I asked them if they wanted a cup of tea and disappeared to the kitchen. I had to pull myself together. I started thinking how awful that was. If I had gone through with my pregnancy I would not have Pete, I would not have the life I have today and it really hit a nerve and I was not expecting to feel that way.

I put my washing on in a bid to give me more time to pull myself together. I did just that but found tears were rolling down my eyes on and off whilst I had my head in his lap. He was playing with my hair and hugging me tightly whilst watching a film and nothing more got said. I was really tired last night which probably did not help, and I feel OK this morning but it is still playing on my mind a bit.

All your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Im sorry to here what you went through a few years ago. Im sure that's hard for any woman to pass through. I can't talk from experience as this never happened to me. All I know is that if my loved one said that to me I would have been hurt just the way you are.
I don't really know what advice to give you. But I suppose you can either forget it or else if you really want to know if he meant what he said you could ask him again.
I think any guy would find it hard as first to be and love a woman who has a child from another man. But its still a harsh thing to say to you.
Xxxx

Yeah, I think that's what's bothering me, the fact that it was a really harsh thing to say. I know he did not mean anything by it and that it was not intentially directed at me, but it did hurt!

Like to said to me - men don't think before they speak - they speak before they think. Xx

Lol - I am good at giving advice, not so good at taking my own. Lol

Im the same too i.e asking for you help.

It seems to me though that you have a very strong relationship with Pete. So don't let this ruin things between you. I know it must hurt you, but you're talking about the past not present and furture you have together.
Xx

That's why I did not make an issue about it and say anything to him, because in the scheme of things it is in the past and it isn't his fault. His words hurt me, not him.

His words hit a nerve that triggered flash backs and bad memories and awful thoughts of what life would have been like without Pete - that is not his fault and I am in no way blaming him. I have to admit I was not expecting to feel that way!

I guess its exactly how I feel with my problem as it wasn't really him who hurt me but the thing he said, you know.
That's only natural, of course it hit a trigger its not an easy time that you went through. Maybe what you should do is tell him that his words upset you and he doesn't have a clue what you went through when you had an abortion. NO man does. And then he will probably feel guilty and apologise :)

Well I could do that, but if I am honest he doesn't really have anything to apologise for. And looking at things from his angle - he is only 21 getting involved with someone who has a child is a big step. His mate is 24 (almost 25) so I guess he is at a point in his life where he would be ready to take on the responsibility whereas Pete isn't.

That is very true. 21 is young ESPECIALLY for a man seeing as us woman are more mature :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Krs

that is very true. 21 is young ESPECIALLY for a man seeing as us woman are more mature :)

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Exactly! So I guess I have just answered my own questions - but could not have done so without your help - I can not express my appreciation enough.

If you ever come to visit your friend in the UK, you must let me know!! Out of intereted what part of the Uk were you living in when you were here?

Thank you sweety and you, you have helped me immensily. I liked in brighton (well the outskirts of brighton) I lived there from Nov 99 - Jan 04. I loved it. Im maltese by the way :)

Hi,
I think you are over-reacting to what Pete said. Why don't you ask him again what he meant? And if he meant it?
We all say things, off the "top of our head", and sometimes don't even think about it.
Also, there are men who will not date a girl with a baby. Why? They are not yet ready to be an "instant" family man. Some men feel that way, others don't.
That's what "learning" is all about. You learn more about a relationship with time.

Men often say stupid things without thinking. I went through the same and I know that it is very painful to think of. Even when you know you have made the right choice there is always that what if. I would definitely not make a big issue with him. He may have not even realized the implication to you. I know that I have had times where something someone says brings about some painful memories of those times and it definitely hurts, but try to be strong and realize that Pete really seems to love you and you love him so I am sure he didn't mean to upset you.

If you read all of my posts in this thread Fredg then you may understand a little better. I am not over-reacting - and I know pete is not at fault and he did not direct what he said at me. He probably forgot if anything. That's why I have not said anything to him or made it an issue, but I had to get it off my chest. Cannot bottle things up, it does not do me any favours.

Confuzed you seem to understand!

In fact I was going to say too to Fredg, that how dare he say you are over reacting, because you are definitley NOT.

What I went through was horrific and something that is really hard to just forget about. I cope well, but at times things do hit a nerve. This is one of those times.

Hi, DJ,
I am sorry for the word "over-reacting". I had misunderstood your statements.
If you are just "getting this off my chest", then I hope it helped to post your comments.

No worries Fredg - misunderstandings happen all the time. ;) - I do feel a lot better for getting it out of my system and I do appreciate your help as I do everyone else. You have all been fantastic as always xx

I'd tell him how it hurt you. It seems like an issue to you. You should talk it out with him. These are the things you need to discuss in a relationship. You need to feel beter about this. And maybe old Pete needs togrow up a little bit. I've dated several women who have kids... it's not a issue.

This exchange reminds me of how men are often told to have "open and honest communication", but then when a guy says what he really and honestly thinks, it gets turned around as being "cold and harsh".

Pete commented on a hypothetical situation, and he stated his point of view. Not to be mean, or hurtful, or disrepsectful. At worst, it could be considered insensitive, but you invited him to share his opinion by opening the question.

He shouldn't have to feel guilty for that.

You can talk to him about how this topic hurts you because of the feelings it stirs up, but I think in no way should you make him feel guilty for expressing his thoughts in a hypothetical situation.

Evidently you and Pete have different feelings when it comes to children. It's kind of surprising that you didn't find this out before now. Ask yourself exactly why you were so bothered by Pete's revealing comment. Do you want children someday? If so, that could be a real problem considering that fact that Pete apparently doesn't. I'd sit down with him and have an honest, heart-to-heart chat. Tell him you were upset and why. It sounds like you and he have some hidden, unspoken expectations that need to be flushed out if you are going to progress any further in your relationship with him or decide that the two of you are not right for each other and move on. Incidentally, Pete must come to the realization that it's not his place to speak for his mate regarding what his mate likes or doesn't like in a woman.

the comment about not including the woman with a child... lets just give him the benefit and call it a dumb assumption. By no goer did he mean she wouldn't likely show because of the obligation to the child and all the craziness that it can do to ones personal life (and my, it can be crazy) or does that mean she's not welcome because she is the mother of a child?

first option is a quick assumption, 2nd option is a bit mean spirited.

as for whether hed have dated you if you had a child. I don't know. It could very well be a truthful statement for that time in his life.

I actually started to date, and then backed down from dating, a girl whod had a child quite young. I liked her fine but within a few dates it got just too consuming. The daughter (5) started getting attached and I just wasn't ready for that. I felt badly that that was the main reason I backed off... but I don't regret it.

of course when I later started dating the woman who is now my wife, she also had a child when she was just in college, but the situation was a bit different. I was a little more prepared to deal with the situation and there was a lot less pressure.

well... until we got serious. The girl (13 at the time) HATED ME with all of the passion that a hormone raging teen has... used to leave magnetic hate poetry on the fridge for me "not my dad must die"... and would strategically place magnets over my face on all fridge pic. =) but now, the girl loves me to death for putting up with her crap. We're more like brother and sister than father/daughter.

uh.. I had a point... I guess it was that the issue is sensitive for some good reasons. The only reason id be "concerned" if anything is if you see this relationship being a long term thing... maybe a life thing.. then you both need to be on the same page concerning kids.

otherwise id just chalk most of what he said up to the dumb Y chromosome we men have.

Hello Holly,

This is where trouble can happen, I do it in some ways as well. Let me explain. The could haves or should haves or the might haves or what ifs. One thing you need to remember is that you do NOT have a baby. Pete is with you right now. That is all that matters. Going back and hashing things out and trying to get a sense of how a person would have acted, does not matter because none of it happened that way. Do you know what I mean about that? I have a tendency to over react about some things because I go through my mind all the different scenarios and some of them I do not agree with and that bothers me but I need to remember and you need to remember that there is no need to get upset or mad or worried about things that never happened. It is only a lonely road and a very hurtful road if you think that way. I do understand that you may feel hurt by his response. I have to say for some man would prefer to be with a women that does not have any children because he would prefer to have his own children. There is always lots of heartache and lot more stress with step parent or parents and children. I know from experience being raised by a step dad. Anyway, Hope you read this.

Joe

I totally agree with all of you. It just opened an AOL can of wounds and made me think what life would be like without Pete - I know he did not want to hurt me and I know it was not directed at me. It was just something I had to get off my chest. I have not said a word to Pete because he did not do anythingwrong and we had a lovely weekend together. We love each other very much and I am not going to spoil it because of my past. It's something I have to deal with and with your help I have. So thank you to everyone for your support xx

Pete sounds inmature to me. Kids are great. We where all kids once and anyone who would not want kids is not ready to have them. Pete does not want kids. Has nothing to do with you. It's the kids he is not ready for. Maybe he will be later on. Enjoy what you have now, nothing lasts forever.

Ah Blue - re-read the post. He doesn't want someone else's kids. It can be a deal breaker for anyone - especially soemone young.

I don't believe pete meant any harm by his remark... his young and wants to make sure that nothing will deprive him of his youth. He sounds like a great guy who just said the wrong thing.. just didn't think.