Hello! I am 29 she is 22. We have been together for 1 year and 3 months. I love her and she loves me. This I can tell. She studies in my town, my financial situation is much better than hers. Before she got a part-time job (3 months ago) everything was great. After that, I saw a change. So I said to myself: it is either she wants to break up, or that we moved to a sort of next level relationship where we don't see each other this often since the relationship has grown up.

Now, the thing is that there the CEO is somehow a far relative of hers, he is 50+. They went to Barcelona together with a co-worker for a business fare and in April they will go to Honk Kong. During her exams her "relative" gave her an apartment so that she can be alone to study, and of course, they went to restaurants (not always, but sometimes, at the beginning, just the two of them). She told me all of this. Either because she is sincere, or that she "hide in the light", but I think that she is sincere.

Now, she texted me and she told me that she could not tell me in my face yesterday all of these and now she feels bad but we will meet in a couple of days to discuss. Basically she told me that she needs a few days to think about her future, that she knows my age and probably soon I will want more that she is not prepared to move with someone else, she respects me too much to keep me like this. She needs these days to think very well not to do a mistake. I don't have any plans of moving together, either.

My assumption is this: I am 99% sure that there's nothing between them, but I think she realized that she wants someone more mature, with money of course, life experience, etc.

My question is: What shall I do next, text her, talk about us or about the weather outside or just reply to her messages (in case she sends any) and wait to meet? I feel like this is the most important part. Maybe she will realize that it is very hard for her without me, but if we talk non-stop she won't see how it is without me.

"She needs these days to think very well not to do a mistake". Mistake about what? Moving on without you? That sounds like a statement a very controlling person would make. "I am 99% sure that there's nothing between them, but I think she realized that she wants someone more mature, with money of course, life experience, etc". Unfortunately the other 1% pretty much says it all. "Maybe she will realize that it is very hard for her without me, but if we talk non-stop she won't see how it is without me. Sure you don't have this backwards? Apparently it's very hard for YOU without HER.

Of course it is very hard for me eithkut her. And it's been only 6-7 hours since that message

Heaven forbid 6-7 hours! Used to take a couple of days or more for the mail, particularly overseas. I think you need to step back a bit and let her decide what's in her future. Forced romances don't work.

Actually my queation is whether I should contact her, send her any message or eait for her to call?

Wait.

Wait... she has stated that she needs time to make some decisions, so you give her time.

Give her some credit with realizing that she is not fully sure what she wants/needs at this point in her life and she has been upfront with you about it. She has had some new experiences in the big, wide world... it's not surprising that she at a stage of reevaluating her life.

Hopefully, however things turn out, you both will be happy... if not now, then in time.

It's impossible to stop imagining scenarios, I know. Somehow you have to busy yourself. You also need to prepare to be let go, just in case. It sounds to me like she wants to break up. She's 22, in many ways worlds away from you. She could want an advanced degree, or a job in another country, or she's just afraid to settle down. All very ordinary.

Yes, it will hurt, and no, there is nothing you can do if it happens. Tell her how sad you are and how glad you are to have loved her. Leave with a good image. Who knows whether or not her next adventure will be to her liking?

She wants space... and if you don't give it to her, you will ruin whatever chance you might have of her deciding to come back.

You can't make her want anything... just as someone else can't make you want to be with them if you don't.

If you have ever been in that situation.. it makes it a lot easier to understand this one.

And she doesn't NEED a reason...just like you wouldn't if it was you. Its either right or it isn't. And sometimes you need to step away for a while to view things more clearly if they are or aren't.

I understand that being in what feels like limbo can be hell, but never assume what's on her mind, or play mind games with yourself. All you can do is give her the space she asks for and wait for the big discussion to happen (A few days?). NO talking about the relationship in the meantime over texts, and if she texts you keep it light and friendly. As others have said this is the time to step back and wait and waiting is a hard thing to do, but as I see it this young lady has changed for sure and has been exposed to many different things since getting this job. You cannot blame her for wanting to explore and experiment with this experience, wouldn't you do the same if you were 22? You probably did, so understand the stage in life she is in.

So back off and stay busy until she is ready to lay her cards on the table. No one can know what she has decided or wants to do so just be cool and deal with it with dignity and grace, and a lot of understanding, to whatever changes that she is going through.

Bottom line is do NOTHING until she and you discuss what's on her mind. Definitely a hope for the best but prepare for the worst situation, but be patient until more is revealed. Please update us after this discussion.

Sure thing. Thank you for the advice. I will update you

But don't you think that the more time ahe needs, the mire she tries to get the courage to tell me that it is over?isn't this a valid possibility?because,in the end,you don't need more than 1-2 days to make up your mind

You cannot control a woman's mind no matter how much you may want her, and fear losing her. Sorry guy but if she is looking for courage to dump you, eventually she will find it. Trying to change her mind only makes you more desperate and not worth compromising your dignity and self respect.

In fairness to you I have been dumped enough to know how to get beyond it, with acceptance and gratitude for the time spent (It still sucked for a while, as well it should if you cared), and do what it takes to allow a healthy healing and get on with exploring whatever life has for you, WITHOUT HER IN IT. It always ended up with a great outcome eventually with NO regrets.

You may as well wait for whatever is on her mind and if you are a good listener, you will know how best to act accordingly without fear making you a desperate sap about the whole thing. At the least, give her what she asked for, SPACE TO THINK!

I repeat, you have NO control over ​HER thoughts actions or feelings, but you damn sure have control over YOURS. If I were you I sure would exercise what you CAN control. (YOU)

You are 100% right. The only thing I have to control now is the impuls of trying to text her. Which is just almost unbearable. The uncertainty of the outcome is just a killer

The not knowing is always difficult; your imagination will have you going through a number of possible scenarios. That's not always a bad thing, however, as you can have in mind possible responses and ways of how you will deal with possible outcomes. It sort of gives you a headstart in that respect.

Try to focus on other areas in your life... spend time on hobbies, with friends or family, being active, etc. so the waiting and wondering doesn't become all consuming. That would only serve to cause more discomfort and anxiety.

You will be okay, whatever the outcome, and in time find yourself in a better place. No way to fast forward to it; you just have to ride it out.

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

But don't you think that the more time ahe needs, the mire she tries to get the courage to tell me that it is over?isn't this a valid possibility?because,in the end,you don't need more than 1-2 days to make up your mind

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Its her choice to make... not yours... stick you nose in when she asked for space... and you are going to make her decide she doesn't want to be with you when she really wasn't sure before.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that's going to make it better for you in her decision. You simply have to "man up" and give her the space she asked for.

And also... you can't presume to know how she thinks... I'm a dude... and I can tell you 1-2 days isn't enough time to make a decision like this... its going to take a lot longer before she is going to know how she feels about it. And butting in is going to help her decide that she is better off without you.

Is it tough... sure, but as an adult you have to do tough, and often unpleasant things all the time. This is another one of them.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

The not knowing is always difficult; your imagination will have you going through a number of possible scenarios. That's not always a bad thing, however, as you can have in mind possible responses and ways of how you will deal with possible outcomes. It sort of gives you a headstart in that respect.

Try to focus on other areas in your life... spend time on hobbies, with friends or family, being active, etc. so the waiting and wondering doesn't become all consuming. That would only serve to cause more discomfort and anxiety.

You will be okay, whatever the outcome, and in time find yourself in a better place. No way to fast forward to it; you just have to ride it out.

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Exactly. Thinking of all possible outcomes might help me during the conversation with her. But at the same time, it is very consuming

Hey guys.so today is the big day. We will meet in the afternoon. Ater these days I realised that basically the situation we are in is because of me, since I couldn't "see"the changes she was going through and I lived in the past,expected to be the same as before these changes. Not giving her space, not accepting that after a hard day maybe sshe just wants to sit in bed etc. We will meet at a caffee. What would you suggest to do? Wait for her to start the conversation or should I tell her what I realised?

Not necessarily anything to do with something you have or haven't done. Keep in mind that she has gained some more life experience, and that will sometimes change the direction a person decides to go. It's just the way it is, and not unusual in the early 20's... that's part of life. Sometimes the timing and situation is good for both people, and a couple grows and thrives. Sometimes it changes the course of the relationship.

I'd just tell her that it is good to see her and ask how she has been. Then let her take it from there. At some point, if you feel that she isn't going to bring up the subject, you could simply ask her what has been on her mind and does she see the two of you moving forward together.

Wishing you well, whatever the outcome.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Not necessarily anything to do with something you have or haven't done. Keep in mind that she has gained some more life experience, and that will sometimes change the direction a person decides to go. It's just the way it is, and not unusual in the early 20's... that's part of life. Sometimes the timing and situation is good for both people, and a couple grows and thrives. Sometimes it changes the course of the relationship.

I'd just tell her that it is good to see her and ask how she has been. Then let her take it from there. At some point, if you feel that she isn't going to bring up the subject, you could simply ask her what has been on her mind and does she see the two of you moving forward together.

Wishing you well, whatever the outcome.

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Thank you.Do you think that she wanting to meet at a caffee place and not in the car to discuss, it means that she wants to break up and of course I won't be able to yell and stuff or that she wants to go on and celebrate this in a nice place?

Wouldn't a coffee place be more comfortable than a car? Maybe that's all it is... try not to read more into it. Easier said than done sometimes, I know.

I would hope a concern of you yelling isn't the reason, because hopefully that wouldn't be an issue regardless of where you are. What would there be to yell about anyway? It wouldn't change her mind.

Whatever comes, do your best to handle the situation in a mature manner. You can express your dissatisfaction, if that is what occurrs, in a reasonable manner.

Remember, right now you can only speculate as to what she may or may not be thinking. Things may go quite well... who knows? Keep your cool, even if you do end up disappointed.

Boy if I could just convince you to quite overthinking and relax, you would handle this whichever way it goes with a dignified, positive, mature attitude. It's about her, and what she thinks so just be glad to see her and eager to listen. No doubt she will set the TONE, and the direction of this conversation, so let her.

I understand the emotional dilemma you face because of your uncertainty and insecurity, but keep a lid on them both. Did I mention it's about HER?

Coffee shop is safer for her... and it will force you to keep your distance. Obviously a car puts you closer and her at a higher risk... real and perceived.

As was mentioned... its all about her... so you have to see where she goes with this. Common theme among younger guys that think the world revolves around them. The more attuned you become with things around you, the more you understand how small your part of the world actually is. Then Humility will temper ego.

Works the same with knowledge... High school grads and college grads come out thinking they know so much and are on par with their elders in what they know... when the reality is all you had was a foundation to build upon. You never stop learning and building your knowledge throughout your life.. unless you chose to vegetate and stagnate

But your issue is more insecurity and lack of experience.

YOU really need to work on the insecurity part.. by understanding it stops being about you the moment a second or third person becomes involved...

As far as experience.. it will come with time. Other people can only tell you so much to avoid huge mistakes... some of it you have to learn the hard way.

Just meet her and listen to what she has to say... and what she decides, because unless she wants to be there... everything is is moot. As I mentioned earlier... at some point in your future, the tables will be turned... and you will be the one trying to decide if you want to be with someone else who is socially awkward or just plain wants to be with you... and YOU aren't going to be sure about it. If you had been in such a position before... this would all make more sense to you.

Just be mature and graceful about whatever happens. If you are childish about it... then trust me.. she WILL tell her friends and word will get around no matter what... You'd rather she tell everyone about how well you handled it. Some things can be very difficult to outgrow.. or outlive when it comes to reputations.

Ok we met yesterday. An unexpected ending. She didn't t say anything about her decision,we talked like 0 mintes abkut her work she told me a lot of things. So in the end I broight it up. Basically I told her that it was me since I lived in the past not fully understanding the changes she is going through. And that I understand that we shouldn t have seen each other daily etc. At the end she told me that she wanted to break up when we met since she was sure that I did not understand her reasons, but now she has no idea what should she do cause she is afraid that I only understand when there is a "shock". So she will go to her hometown this wekend to think about everything since she didn't t have enough time this week because she was very stressed sith her work and university. And we will meet on Sunday when she comes back. So what now?

Interpreted based on what you wrote...

She wants to break up... partially because you don't see things or get them until the slap you in the face... figuratively. And she felt you wouldn't "get it".

And she really needs this to be a clean break because she has enough on her plate without having to look over her shoulder every 5 minutes.

That is because there are a lot of people that will not let things go or let them drop out there, or take no for an answer... not saying you are (she might be concerned you could)... but there are lots of them, and she knows it.

My advice... come to terms with it... if she gets back with you, shake her hand... wish her the best and move on. I am 99.9% sure that's what this will come down to.

I would give her all the space she needed my friend because she obviously needs it. I think you do too, to be perfectly honest, because these are not the communications of HOW to solve your problems that the distance has created, but her uncertainty at where her life is going.

Sorry guy but I think you wrap your head around letting her go, and being grateful for the good times you had for a year. Everything you have written is about her uncertainty, and your trying to hold on to whatever you can get. You really do need to let her figure herself out without you.

The harder you hold on the more space she needs, so make your adjustment one of letting go. The distance is what changed you both, and its an obstacle to both your futures. Bad timing more than a failed relationship, because I doubt she is willing give up her own exploring to pursue what this relationship offers.

I don't see the commitment from her as long as she has other priorities right now. Surely you can see that for yourself, and understand the stress of school, and work on this female. Let her go guy, while you still have those great memories. Stop chasing her all together. You aren't even great friends and haven't been since she left home.

Let go on good terms simply because she doesn't know HOW! Maybe you don't either, but one of you better learn quickly, or this get worse than it has to be.

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Personally I don't believe that has anything to do with it. A block away isn't any different than 10,000 km away. Apart is apart if you don't see or communicate with each other. If the feelings change when you are apart, then it wasn't meant to be. And apart isn't just a few days... but weeks or months. If it was meant to be... BOTH people would feel just as strongly after months apart.

Maybe she had a previous relationship with someone that ended ugly... and she is simply assuming the worst as most people would. And its even more true with women since they typically tend to be the victims more often.

There actually are many ways to interpret what her reasons might be. And in the right situations, many of them would be right.

But emotion will cloud judgement every time. And why in the panic you are in now...you would be tempted to grasp at straws to rationalize it the way you want it to be. Happens to everyone that's in the situation. You aren't alone.

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

Hm.. I think I didn't mke myself clear. She wqs born in a smaller coty but know she lives in my city. The university and her job are in my city. And only this weekend she eill go home,which is aprox.250 km away from my town

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Your city?

She's going home to think, so let her go home and think.

To me it sounds like she wanted to break up, which she said, and then she backed out because she felt guilty. So now she's trying to give herself more time to find a way to tell you that she wants to break up. So she's going away, finding time to find a way to tell you she's done with the relationship.

But that's just my take on it.

When she comes back and wants to talk again, let her talk. Let her tell you whatever she feels, even if it means her breaking up with you. Let her break up with you if that's what she wants to do. Don't make her feel guilty about that decision, she has a right to make it!

"I need space to think " means LEAVE ME ALONE!

Talaniman Rule - When they ask for space give it to them!

Like you have a choice. Sorry!

All right. So starting from tonight,it's all over. I could say that I feel better now that I know for sure that it's over but man,it hurts like hell. We agreed that we have some "views over life" that are not the same for me and her,bjt the fact that we broke up in a friendly way is just awfull. Because I will live with the sensation that for sure,after some time,we will make up. And I know it is wrong. Because no one knows. I realise that I should move on,I'll try,but I just can't feel attracted to anyone. I talked with some girls over Facebook but I feel no attraction. So what's the best thing to do?

Give yourself time! Don't try to heal your heart and feelings by seeking out another girl. You've learned some things from this relationship. You've learned that the two of you have some different views, and what is and isn't important to you. That is what dating is for.

At some point, after you have healed and can reflect on why this wasn't the right girl, the whole package, you will be ready to move on to meet someone new and see if they "check more of the boxes".

It does hurt, even when an ending is mutual, but especially when you are holding onto hope that it would all work out. There is no fast way to get over it; it is very individual. While you are working on moving ahead, focus on things that you enjoy. Spend time with your family and/or friends.

It sounds cliche', but it really does get easier, and you will find yourself with someone more suited to you in the future. For now, practice enjoying the present.

Sorry guy, but it's supposed to hurt because you cared, and for the most part, she did too! Don't think it was that easy for her either. Sorry again, but it's going to hurt for a while and that is a big deal, but for now, leave her alone and fight the feelings to contact her. You already probably have a life without her anyway given the distance of the past 3 months so just keep busy and do what you were doing hanging out with friend and family and doing things you enjoy.

Time does heal, but until it does... it's going to suck for a while, off and on. It gets better though, if you leave them alone, no social media stalking, baying at the moon, or any of that nonsense. Keep your dignity and self respect by following a simple rule.

Talaniman Rule - When you get dumped DISAPPEAR from their lives, and get a life of your own that you enjoy without them!

You will heal, and be better for the experience. It still sucks for a while though!

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by zalkarad

All right. So starting from tonight,it's all over. I could say that I feel better now that I know for sure that it's over but man,it hurts like hell. We agreed that we have some "views over life" that are not the same for me and her,bjt the fact that we broke up in a friendly way is just awfull. Because I will live with the sensation that for sure,after some time,we will make up. And I know it is wrong. Because no one knows. I realise that I should move on,I'll try,but I just can't feel attracted to anyone. I talked with some girls over Facebook but I feel no attraction. So what's the best thing to do?

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UM... thats trying to rationalize it and cling to what needs to be let go...

As was mentioned.. move on... find other things to do... the last thing you want or need is to be around her for a constant reminder...

Move on with your life without her in it... and you will be surprised how quick the pain fades... but until then you just have to suck it up. If you didn't feel any pain.. you would be a true sociopath. And that's a lot worse than having made foolish mistakes. You will learn from yours and improve... a sociopath won't.

And some times...it just won't work out even without making any mistakes...because thats just how it is. You live, you learn...you make better choices...and in time you will look back and understand how bad this really was....and be glad you moved on.

I know all the tips and tricks on how to get over an ex ( going to the gym, hanging out with the friends, dating someone else). I tried them butdidn't seem to work. I take my mind off when I am doing any of these activities but when I get home, then it gets really nasty. And I know that I should think of all the bad times that happened during the relationship,but for some reason I can only think of the good ones. So any advice?and apparently time didn't help

The alone time does get to you, and some distractions help, but how many times can you clean the closet, or rearrange the music collection? You need a plan for those alone times.

It really boils down to how you handle your own feelings and thoughts my friend, how you structure your own life. You can always just sit and FEEL, but I advise physically moving to something that requires action, and your full attention (FOCUS), WHENEVER she pops in your head. Surely you have things you do during your alone time, BEFORE you got with her.

Go BACK to it, build on it and expand it. Gradually you get in a groove, a routine that you do without thinking. You're finding out that getting over someone isn't an easy habit to break, but time and practice and patience with yourself helps a lot. It doesn't happen in a few days or weeks, or even months, but in how well you apply yourself to the task of rebuilding a life that you enjoy... ALONE... just YOU.

Or you can feel sorry for yourself, cry a lot, and be miserable, until you get sick of it, and decide to do something about it. I preferred to manage my time and activities (Didn't have computers and cellphones back in the day either, or XBox and such) and that's my suggestion to you. So let's start with the question... what did you do with your alone time BEFORE she came along?

GEEEZ guy it hasn't been a month yet, so the wounds are still FRESH! See where you are at after 4 months. That's not enough time to heal after a 13 month failed relationship.

Good luck guy, remember, it's a one day at a time PROCESS, NOT an event.

Time will help, you just need to take more of it. Expect good days and bad; mostly bad for a time, but you will start to notice it does get easier. The feelings won't be as raw.

It hasn't been that long. A breakup is like a death. If you've every lost someone to death, you know it takes time to heal from that, to be able to go on with your life. It doesn't happen in a few days, it can take weeks, months, years.

Let yourself grieve this loss. Don't try to jump back into the dating game right away, you're not ready for that. It would be like losing your father and expecting your mother to find a new husband a week later because she's sad and lonely. It doesn't work that way.

Cry a bit, write down your feelings, it helps. Go out with friends even though you feel down. Being around people does help, a lot. Delete all her info, fb, phone number, etc. so you're not tempted to contact her.

Let yourself grieve, but don't isolate yourself. Above all, give yourself time before you look for someone to fill the hole she left. That's not fair to you, or to the person you find to take her place. The next girl should be in your life because you want her there, not because you miss your ex.

I don't know.. they only went out 1 year and 3 months. Its not like they were married for 60 years. They barely knew each other in that little time.

If you aren't over this pretty quick... like a month or two, three tops, then maybe some counseling is in order

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Originally Posted by smoothy

I don't know.. they only went out 1 year and 3 months. Its not like they were married for 60 years. They barely knew each other in that little time.

If you aren't over this pretty quick... like a month or two, three tops, then maybe some counseling is in order

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I don't agree Smoothy.

Do you not remember being young and in love? We're old married people now, so maybe that's why you think that any relationship that hasn't lasted 60 years, is not worth mourning over, and shouldn't hurt. But it does!

I remember my teens. Thankfully I met my husband when I was 19. That's not the norm though.

But I had a lot of boyfriends in my teens, before I met my husband (married 21 years in May, together 26 years). I wasn't really one to get that serious, not until I met hubby. But, there were boyfriends that I mourned when we broke up. Too many. Even if I was the one that ended it, I missed them. Even if we had only dated for 3 months, or 6 months. I never dated anyone longer than that, it just wasn't me at that time.

But I mourned some of them, others I didn't care less. I remember one boyfriend, that's still a friend today, that I only dated for 2 months. He found someone else, and it was like a knife to my back. It took me a long time to get over him. I was severely depressed, cried all the time. Thankfully my friends forced me to go out, even though going out wasn't fun for me then, and they wouldn't give up on me. Eventually the pain of losing him, hurt a little less, and a little less, and then not at all, but it took a long time to get over him.

You say that it shouldn't hurt because they were only together for a year and 3 months. So when is it allowed to hurt? Is 1 year and 6 months the cutoff? Are you allowed to be hurt then, but not a day sooner? Or is it 5 years, or 10, or 20, or 60? What's the time frame for being allowed to be hurt when someone breaks your heart?

I don't think there is a time frame, so I wouldn't say that it shouldn't hurt because they weren't together for 60 years. It can hurt after only a week. There's no time limit on when you're allowed to feel pain after a break up.