Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I will ask her and thanks for helping me understand how mum is feeling I don't know if I will talk to her about how I'm feeling though I don't want her to feel worse.

---

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

---

Exactly. She'll also know that we understand how she's feeling as well, because we're all moms, or dads.

Truth is, Adrian isn't the only one that needs help dealing with this. Mom and Dad do too.

I agree having your parents participate in this thread is a good idea. WG and Alty have nailed it on the head. Mom is crying not because she's mad at you but because she couldn't protect you.

The fact that she already made an appointment with a counselor for you shows this.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If anything, reading this will make her feel a little better because she will know how much total strangers are angry and upset about this.

---

It will also show her that we aren't blaming her. There is support for her and your father here, too.

The only person who deserves to take the blame is the person who took advantage of you.

You and your family deserve compassion and understanding.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Well I spoke to my mum that was not easy she said she has already made an appointment for me. She keeps on crying I don't understand why shes crying I'd rather her just be mad at me. People my age have sex all the time I know it's a stupid thing to do but it happens so I don't understand why she's so upset about me. I know you all told me it's because of my age it's illegal. But I just want to be able to understand how she's feeling. I don't want her to cry it makes me feel terrible. I know you said it was a the right thing to tell so it never happens again but it just made things horrible. But I respect the advice you all have given me and relise that I probaly don't know what's best for me, obviously look at the choices I made, so I'm going to give this talking ago.

---

She's crying because she feels badly to have trusted for you to babysit for this family. She's crying because you are more precious to her than you will ever know. And she's crying because she wanted your first sexual experience to be with a man you truly loved and who loved you back, and for you to be old enough to enter into it as a mature adult woman, with full consent. As she sees you work through it and sees this incident has not ruined your life or future, she will feel better. We moms care more about what happens to our children than what happens to ourselves. She's probably crying some out of anger, too, at this man.

When you are in counseling, they will explain that you really weren't old enough or mature or experienced enough to be allowed to "choose" this. It's not unusual for a young girl or guy to be willing to consent to sex with an adult, but the way it's supposed to work is that the adult is supposed to actually act like an adult in the situation. Even if you threw yourself at the guy, his responsibility as the adult was to say, "you are not old enough and I am a married man. It would be wrong for me to do anything like that with you and it's wrong for you to do those things with anyone until you are older." He orchestrated the opportunity and set no boundaries, and that is why he is wrong in the situation.

Good for you for telling your mom. Things will get better now - no secrets from your folks, and you can get counseling and learn how to identify when someone is taking advantage of you in the future, and can move past it.

Thank you everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

If I were his wife I would want you to tell me. If you were my daughter I would want you to tell me. I really think you need to say something. He definitely took advantage of you. Unfortunately he will continue to do this to other girls as long as he's able. Stand up for yourself girl. I don't think you will ever regret standing up for yourself but years from now, as an adult, you will look back and see what a creep this guy is, and you will regret not saying something. Listen to what we are telling you. There's a reason.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thankyou everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

---

Adrian, A lot of use help out at this site for just such threads as this one. Your situation and the way its panning out helps us feel our efforts were worthwhile. So you have helped us too. We will continue to be here for you and your family. Please keep talking to us and keeping us posted as to how this progresses.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ezesince1987

If i were his wife i would want you to tell me. If you were my daughter I would want you to tell me. I really think you need to say something.

---

When you have a thread this long please read it through before responding. Had you done so you would have since that Adrian has been very brave and did report her rape. So your advice is way late.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thankyou everybody for all your help. I think my mum read this thread. She spoke to me today we had along talk about everything. You were right she's not mad at me just a little disappointed but I understand I deserve that. I go see a councillor tomorrow I feel a little better already just talking to mum. She said dad was just angry when he said those bad things about me and that he just needs time to cool down so I've been staying away from him.

---

I'm so glad you and your mom talked. Remember, for dad it's anger, not at you (sadly he seems to be lashing at you) but at this man that took advantage of his baby girl. For moms it's emotional, for most dads it's more than emotion, they want to kill the man that did this to their child, they want to fight to protect their child. But dad can't do that, he'd be the one that ended up in jail if he did.

He has no outlet to get rid of this anger, so he's taking it out on the one person that isn't to blame, and that's you. Dad needs time. That's all.

Moms hug and kiss the booboo better, dads get mad because there is a booboo. Men are fixers, and when it comes to something like this, that they can't fix, they often don't deal with it very well. Give him time okay? He loves you, he just doesn't know how to handle this right now.

I went to my appointment today I don't like it I found it very uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know. At least on this site I don't have to sit in front of someone and look at them and talk. I don't even know this person it feels weird. I don't know how it's going to help it just makes me feel uncomfortable but I promised myself to try as you all said it was a good idea.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I went to my appointment today I don't like it I found it very uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know. At least on this site I don't have to sit in front of someone and look at them and talk. I don't even know this person it feels weird. I don't know how it's gonna help it just makes me feel uncomfortable but I promised myself to try as you all said it was a good idea.

---

Yes, your counselor is a stranger. Give her a chance. The first session or two or even three should be a "getting to know you" time. Is that being done?

One of my girl clients was very shy and didn't want to talk, but she loved art, so we drew horses and dogs and other pictures until she felt comfortable with me. During that drawing time, we didn't talk therapy stuff, just got to know each other.

Another girl client wanted to be a cheerleader, and it turned out she didn't know her times tables, so at the first sessions and now and then during a break in talking, we made up cheers with times problems -- "Give me a 6 times 7. What do you get? 42!!! Yay!"

I always tried to figure out ways to get to know my clients and help both of us feel comfortable One of my male clients was from the Philippines and told me I didn't know anything about him or his culture. My best friend happened to be a Filipina nurse, so my client and I talked about how many people from his country go into medicine. His sisters were nurses. He never missed a session after that!

It just feels strange sitting there answering questions about myself. I just don't like it I feel uncomfortable I feel like I'm back at the police station getting asked a million questions about my life. But I suppose it will get better maybe I should have just waited a little while before I went

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

It just feels strange sitting there answering questions about myself. I just don't like it I feel uncomfortable I feel like I'm back at the police station getting asked a million questions about my life. But I suppose it will get better maybe I should of just waited a little while before I went

---

How about doing this -- tell the counselor exactly that, that you feel very uncomfortable answering questions about yourself, like you are on a personal Jeopardy TV show or being cross-examined or something.

Would you be willing to write stuff down instead of talking out loud?

Remember also that the counselor needs to get to know you to understand how you feel before they can help you. It might help to suggest to the counselor to read this thread too. That might give her a head start.

I suppose that would be heaps easier to write it down. Would they let me do that. I'm not to sure why I'm going I can't see myself really being able to do this but I'll keep going.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

I suppose that would be heaps easier to write it down. Would they let me do that. I'm not to sure why I'm going I can't see myself really being able to do this but I'll keep going.

---

Of course you can! You are the client and counseling is for YOU! Whatever works for you is what should work for the counselor. Art, writing, doing cheers, even singing. Like Scott said, print out this thread and let her read it.

As a counselor, I want to keep up with this and know what is going on. I'm nosy that way.

Thanks that would be easier to let her read this thread I supposed. I'm just a bit unsure how I feel about this whole talking thing. It's another person that will know who I am and what I've done. Anyway I should suck it up and just do this

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Adrian3102

Thanks that would be easier to let her read this thread I supposed. I'm just a bit unsure how I feel about this whole talking thing. It's another person that will know who I am and what I've done. Anyway I should suck it up and just do this

---

But she is bound to keep anything you say confidential. Make sure of that by asking her. And keep me (us) informed about how this goes!

If it's a good counselor, she will let you go at your own pace, work with what makes you feel more comfortable. She will also make you feel more comfortable and, in time, you will open up more. Remember what you get out of counseling depends on what you put into it.

But also, we can only do so much for you. You need a professional who can spend more than a few second responding to posts. We can help, but you need someone to open up to.