Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

Hi :) Ok here goes... I have been married 5 years but been with partner for 16years. We have 2 son's 10 and 14. I have been on the pill for 10 years, but I have fallen pregnant (I am 7 weeks) My husband has told me if I have this baby he will leave and will want nothing to do with it ever! I am booked for an abortion on Monday... I really want this baby! But I want my husband too... there is NO WAY he is going to agree with me having this baby:( I am really confused and running out of time quickly... (2 days till abortion) HELP please

P.s he is soooo sure he doesn't want more kids that he went yesterday for a vasectomy.

This may not be much help to you, but I am going to be brutally honest. My kids, whether born or still in the womb, are my flesh and blood. My husband is not. I would choose my kids lives any day over the tantrum my husband is having. It is nobody's fault, yours, his, or the child's. You were on birth control so you thought you were protected. Unfortunately, no birth control is 100% effective so things like this do happen.

I personally would not abort a baby because it was unwanted, but I have also not been in this situation so I can't say much. The best I can really say is, do what your heart tells you. If you feel aborting this baby is better for the well being of everyone, then that is your decision. :)

If you want the baby and don't have it, you will never stay with your husband anyway, since you will resent him forever for making you kill your new baby.

If he would really leave you over this, you are better off

I know of a lady who was in a situation such as yours. She chose not to abort the child, but to go into counseling, her husband soon followed with the counseling.

They had a beautiful daughter and now have beautiful grandchildren. She regrets that she ever thought of aborting.

I seem to think that there is more missing from the story than you let us in on. Why is he so adamant about not having this child? Is there something already wrong within the marriage?

We need more details to give accurate advice.

Thank you for the rapid response and my heart is telling me to keep the baby, but 16 years is a long time to throw away. I am so confused, (crying while I type is not good sorry for any typos) I will take all advice onboard thanks xx

Ok, he is being selfish, because our children are nearly grown he wants to start travelling and wants us to buy a new house etc, he thinks that if I have this baby, we will have to put our lives on hold for another 16-18 years. That's his only reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gsygoddess

Thank you for the rapid response and my heart is telling me to keep the baby, but 16 years is a long time to throw away. I am so confused, (crying while i type is not good sry for any typos) I will take all advice onboard thanks xx

16 years is a long time to throw away, but a child is a lot to throw away as well. Since I have had kids I have learned that there is no one else in the world that I could love more.

This is just a thought, so don't take it TOO seriously, but do you think he might be bluffing you? I have had my husband bluff me about things before, saying he will leave, and he doesn't. He just wants to get his way.

I am pretty sure about what I am going to do, I just needed some reassurance I think. I know that when I go on Monday and they do the ultrasound ( they have to do that to determine how many weeks I am) I will see the baby and walk right out the door!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gsygoddess

I am pretty sure about what i am going to do, i just needed some reassurance i think. I know that when i go on monday and they do the ultrasound ( they have to do that to determine how many weeks i am) i will see the baby and walk right out the door!!

In all honesty, after seeing it on the ultrasound I would probably walk out too. It would be a little easier if you didn't have to see it. That just confirms for you that it is actually there and growing. You know what I mean?

Seeing it or not.. I still know it's there and it already feels like a part of my life. (I find myself unconsciously rubbing my belly and talking to it). X

I hope everything goes well with you. Make sure you keep us posted as to what's going on :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gsygoddess

Hi :) Ok here goes.... I have been married 5 years but been with partner for 16years. We have 2 son's 10 and 14. I have been on the pill for 10 years, but I have fallen pregnant (i am 7 weeks) My husband has told me if i have this baby he will leave and will want nothing to do with it ever!! I am booked for an abortion on monday...I really want this baby!! but i want my husband too...there is NO WAY he is going to agree with me having this baby:( I am really confused and running out of time quickly... (2 days till abortion) HELP please

P.s he is soooo sure he doesn't want more kids that he went yesterday for a vasectomy.

Ok an update for you. I went to doctor had ultrasound, and I am not 7 weeks pregnant.. I am 12 and a half!! So now I can't have a medical abortion (pill) I have to have surgery, that has made my decision even harder to make! I don't want to go through surgery! So that's it, back to square one! :(

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place here... I can already tell you are attached to his child. I agree with the poster who said the marriage is already doomed if you choose to abort. You will resent your husband if you went through with it... I agree, with the others, if you want the child, you need to keep it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gsygoddess

Thank you for the rapid response and my heart is telling me to keep the baby, but 16 years is a long time to throw away. I am so confused, (crying while i type is not good sry for any typos) I will take all advice onboard thanks xx

16 years is a lot to "throw away" but it sounds like his doing, not yours.

You need to tell him that demanding you abort will cause a riff in your marriage that may put it to its end. Would you ever be able to forgive yourself or HIM for this? Is adoption a possibility? Perhaps an open adoption could be arranged?
Either way, I'm sorry that without counseling your marriage may already be pushed over the edge with this one. I'm hoping your husband is still in shock and perhaps not thinking clearly about what he's asking you to do.

Good luck to you, I know this must be very hard. :(

Im not so sure that adoption will save the marriage either.. there will still be resentment for the missing child.

Believe me, adoption will NOT be the answer in this case. The mother WANTS the child... it's her husband that doesn't.

I would advise you to NOT get an abortion. Tell your husband that it is HE that is choosing, not you, to end your marriage.

Get some counseling. If you can get your husband to go with you, even better.

If he REALLY didn't want kids anymore, he should have had the vasectomy BEFORE you became pregnant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gsygoddess

Ok an update for you. I went to doctor had ultrasound, and i am not 7 weeks pregnant..i am 12 and a half !!!! so now i can't have a medical abortion (pill) I have to have surgery, that has made my decision even harder to make!! I don't wanna go through surgery! So thats it, back to square one! :(

12 weeks! You are about ready or are already into your second trimester! Congrats to you (because I know you want this baby)!

Your husband needs to realize what is more important, bringing another life into this world, or going on vacations. Personally, I think giving birth and raising a child beats any vacation (although I could use one sometimes).

If you strongly feel that you want this baby, I would not recommend adoption. Having to carry a baby that you want for nine months and then giving it up could emotionally scar you. You may not be able to look at your husband the same.

I say if you want it, keep it. There can always be other husbands/boyfriends, your children are forever. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by alkalineangel

Im not so sure that adoption will save the marriage either..there will still be resentment for the missing child.

True. However, if she chooses to stay in the marriage I wouldn't want to see the baby either aborted or living with a parent who doesn't want him/her. :confused:

Thanks guys for all that, tried talking... no good! This baby is mine and I'm keeping it :) (saw the heartbeat today) :D thanks for everything.

So happy for you!

Congrats and good luck! :)

Good for you! Congrats to you on your precious new baby, and the third most exciting adventure you are about to embark on. Kids are the best adventures in life. And the most worth while

Another update for you. I cancelled the abortion and my husband (true to his word) has gone! What a relief when he walked out the door (didn't realise how much stress I was under)... I am now concentrating on my "3 "children and I am soooo excited. Oh and I told my boys about the baby (they has to know why daddy was leaving) and within 20 minutes they were discussing names.. they can't wait either, neither of them want to know what it is and they both want to be the first to see it :D Life is looking good :)

Congratulations

Congratulations. Stay strong and know that we are here for you.

Congrats hun! I am sorry that everything worked out this way, but it sounds like you are doing better because of it. You sound like you are much more relaxed, and now you have time to worry about you and your kids, and the one on the way. I'm so happy your other little ones are so excited! They are going to love having a little brother or sister. Just remember I am always here and free to talk if you need to vent. :)

Congratulations. I know things will work out for you.

We don't need to tell you that you made the right decision. :) Good luck with everything. I'm sorry that your husband made this decision, but take good care of those kiddos.

Please Don't Do that... I had An abortion when I was 16 years Old . Now 23 years old With Three Beautiful Girls. What I Did it was Very Traumazed.. I think about about What I have Done.. and let myself kill a child That Never Got to Live Life Beacause of all t he Problems I had When I Was Younger. Its Not Fair For the Child at all! And I don't think its Right That you are Going to Let the Child Go For 16 years of Memories. That Child That is in you that is alive is Going to Thank you later in his / her Life Telling u Thank u Mommy For Having me. What I did That Day Was The Worse Day of my Life and it Was Really Hard To Forgive myself For What I did. But I don't Think I Can Ever Forget it! Today My Child Would Have Been 8 years old. And I am Not Even With The Guy Who says "if u have that baby i will leave u" I did what I did for him But he ended up leaving me Anyway. So please Think about That Child Let That Child have a Chance Of Life.

I am Glad U Decided to Keep The Baby.. I am Really Happy for you Goooood Luck.