Okay, this is absolutely horrible, I already know this. But I have been with my fiancé for almost 2 years. We live together and we get in some fights and all but all in all we have a very steady relationship. I love him and I know he loves me even more. My problem is that I just found out that I am pregnant. A couple weeks ago I went out with a few friends and drank way too much for my good then all my friends had to leave early. Well the next thing I remember is waking up without my clothes in another guys bed.

Now I am completely scared that the baby is not my fiance's. He doesn't know that I am even pregnant yet. I just don't know what to do. When I have the baby my it will be obvious if it is his or not because if it is his he should be bi-racial and if it is not then it will not be bi-racial. This is the first time I have ever cheated on him because I love him so much I would never do that to him and I would have never done it this time if I would have known what I was doing.

I just need some advice. I don't know what to do and I am scared...

When was your last period? Was it the norm in when you started, how long it lasted, and the sort of flow? When did you sleep with the other guy? How soon afterwards did you find out you were pregnant? The time frame of these events may help to ease your mind... at least a little bit.

Also, some bi-racial babies will not automatically look to be bi-racial, so you can't always use that as a determining factor.

Regardless of how things turn out... no doubt this will be a costly lesson, if nothing else in terms of stress and anxiety, in your level of commitment to the relationship and to how much you should drink when out with friends.

I'm sure you will give careful consideration to those things in the future. Hopefully word of where you were will not get back to your fiancé. Hope it doesn't all become a bigger mess for you than it already is!

The first date of my last period was March 8th and I had sex with the other guy on March 22. My period lasted 5 days and went from very light the first day to very heavy the second day then back down to very light and to spotting the last 3 days. This flow is completely normal for me. I found out I was pregnant on the 12th of April.

Do you know yet how far along you are or just that you have tested positive on a pregnancy test?

I think you have an obligation on many levels to come clean to your partner, right away.

This is not something that you can speculate when a child is a lifelong responsibility. Your best course of action is to come clean to both parties and have them both tested.

Trying to calculate who has the biggest potential to be the father is a recipe for disaster and you have an obligation to this child.

I agree with Justwantfair, as you may not have any choice.

The timing of your last period and when you were with this other person was not the best. Do you know for sure that you actually had sex? There is the possibility that you both may have been so drunk that nothing actually happened. (trying to find some way that this can go in your favor)

I just tested positive on a pregnancy test and I can't come clean to both people because I have no idea who the other guy was. I just woke up next to him and he acted very offended that I didn't remember what happened he told me we had sex multiple times and then he drove me to my car no exchanges in names or numbers that I can remember. I don't even remember seeing this guy at the bar I was at.

Well I would come clean to your partner, you owe him that much.

The decision should be his if this child does not carry his DNA.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

The first date of my last period was March 8th and I had sex with the other guy on March 22. My period lasted 5 days and went from very light the first day to very heavy the second day then back down to very light and to spotting the last 3 days. This flow is completely normal for me. I found out I was pregnant on the 12th of April.

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I am so sorry, but it does not look too promising. If the first day of your last period was 3/8/09, according to my gestation wheel that we use at the hospital, you most likely conceived on March 22, and your due date would be December 11.

Unfortunately, this is also just a guess, a pretty accurate guess, but a guess nonetheless.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

I just tested positive on a pregnancy test and I can't come clean to both people because I have no idea who the other guy was. I just woke up next to him and he acted very offended that I didn't remember what happened he told me we had sex multiple times and then he drove me to my car no exchanges in names or numbers that I can remember. I don't even remember seeing this guy at the bar I was at.

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Have you and your fiancé been trying to have a baby or have you been using protection? Unfortunately, as J_9 mentioned, it is just too close to call... could go either way. As others have said, you'll need to have some testing done with your fiancé and the baby to determine whether he could be the father. I wish you well...

Yes, we have been trying to have a baby so no birth control was being used. But my fiancé and I had been trying off and on to conceive. This month we hadn't been trying as hard, therefore, only having sex when we really felt like it and not to just try to get pregnant.

You do not even know the guy? He could have aids, or hep b,c or anything else for that matter.

You need to be tested for std's.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

You do not even know the guy? He could have aids, or hep b,c or anything else for that matter.

You need to be tested for std's.

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I know I need to be tested for std's. I never ever use condoms latex allergy and really just don't like them at all; so anytime I sleep with a new guy or there is a major time lapse between sleeping with the same guy more than once, basically if I think he has probably been with another woman after being with me, I get tested. So that is not an issue for me. And since this all happened I have not had sex with my fiancé and don't plan to until I get tested for std's.

All in all, I feel I am being pretty responsible in that whole department, even though I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

I know I need to be tested for std's. I never ever use condoms latex allergy and really just don't like them at all; so anytime I sleep with a new guy or there is a major time lapse between sleeping with the same guy more than once, basically if I think he has probably been with another woman after being with me, I get tested. So that is not an issue for me. And since this all happened I have not had sex with my fiance and don't plan to until I get tested for std's.

All in all, I feel I am being pretty responsible in that whole department, even though I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

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Pretty responsible would be carrying lambskin condoms, since you are allergic and don't like condoms, and using an oral contraceptive until you are married.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

I know I need to be tested for std's. I never ever use condoms latex allergy and really just don't like them at all; so anytime I sleep with a new guy or there is a major time lapse between sleeping with the same guy more than once, basically if I think he has probably been with another woman after being with me, I get tested. So that is not an issue for me. And since this all happened I have not had sex with my fiance and don't plan to until I get tested for std's.

All in all, I feel I am being pretty responsible in that whole department, even though I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

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:eek:
You might get tested for STD's before sleeping with someone new but what if the guy has one! What are you going to do when you catch something off him, some STD's can't be cured... think AIDS! Very irresponsible considering there are safe sex options that don't use latex!

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Originally Posted by shazamataz

:eek:
You might get tested for STD's before sleeping with someone new but what if the guy has one! What are you going to do when you catch something off him, some STD's can't be cured... think AIDS! Very irresponsible considering there are safe sex options that don't use latex!

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I get tested for any std's after sleeping with a new guy not before and I know that there is a risk of getting an std that can't be cured but I have never been able to climax if the guy I am with is wearing a condom. Previous to this current situation I have always made sure that the guy that I am with has been tested before sleeping with him. I have never had a drunk one night stand ,or any one night stands at that, before this night; and of course I don't carry any lambskin condoms with me because I am trying to get pregnant right now. Condoms would defeat the purpose of what my fiancé and I want to do. Like I said I don't even remember the night at all, I don't remember talking to this guy or even seeing him until the next morning so of course I wouldn't tell him to not just get a condom but that he needs to go and buy a lambskin condom. I was completely out of it, I don't drink often but this was by far the most intoxicated I have ever been. Prior to this, every sexual experience I have had were with guys I was in a committed relationship with and on birth control, except with my fiancé seeing as we are on no birth control at this time.

Fair enough Chrissy, if you know for sure that they guy you are sleeping with is clean then it's all good :)
I just get alarm bells when people sleep with guys without prper protection but you have good reasons :) (I am also allergic to latex)

(although I don't get that you can't climax when using condoms.. I've never heard of that)

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Originally Posted by shazamataz

Fair enough Chrissy, if you know for sure that they guy you are sleeping with is clean then it's all good :)
I just get alarm bells when people sleep with guys without prper protection but you have good reasons :) (I am also allergic to latex)

(although i don't get that you can't climax when using condoms.. i've never heard of that)

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I think it is because I have only had sex when in committed/long term relationships I need the spontaneity to spice it up. When in these relationships I have always waited quite a while to have sex and the first few times I feel nervous and anxiety and then once I get really comfortable it is just not as exciting unless it is spontaneous. There is no happy medium... :(

I know this is beside the point, but could something have been slipped into your drink? I ask since you don't recall anything with this guy other than waking up next to him.

Actually, I have been wondering the same thing. But even if that did happen it isn't like I can do anything about it now, so I am not going to worry about what happened there. Plus if I told my fiancé that I thought that is what happened, I would just feel like I was making excuses.

Chrissy I think its wrong to string you fiancée along making him believe that you may or may not be carrying his child. You said that you guys have been trying obviously he wants to make you his wife and mother of his child. You owe it to him to be honest and not say ohh if the child is not biracial then its not his. To me tis is a very selfish and irresponsible act. Stop playing with peoples minds and emotions, its not fair.

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

chrissy i think its wrong to string you fiancee along making him believe that you may or may not be carrying his child. You said that you guys have been trying obviously he wants to make you his wife and mother of his child. You owe it to him to be honest and not say ohh if the child is not biracial then its not his. To me tis is a very selfish and irresponsible act. Stop playing with peoples minds and emotions, its not fair.

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I do want to be honest with him just don't want to hurt him. He means the world to me and love him too much to hurt him. I am not trying to play with his emotions at all, I would never do that to him. He is the type of guy that even if it wasn't his he would still stick around and raise the baby as his own. But I know if would still hurt him greatly and I do not want that at all. Right now he doesn't even know I am pregnant and l am seriously thinking about ending the relationship and the pregnancy even though I love him dearly and want to be with him for the rest of my life and just never tell him about the pregnancy, because I think This would hurt him less than knowing that I am carrying a child that is not his. This may be selfish, but I just can't bring myself to break his heart to tell him that I am pregnant with the child we have been trying for, but it's not his.

If you do not want to hurt him you will tell him what happened. The truth. No matter what the out come. It is hard but that is what you need to do. Whether it is his baby or not.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

If you do not want to hurt him you will tell him what happened. The truth. No matter what the out come. It is hard but that is what you need to do. Whether it is his baby or not.

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You make it sound so easy...

The longer you wait the harder it will become. The more you cover it up or the longer you wait the bigger the lie becomes.

As well, this has been said in other posts with other peoples experiences.. You got drunk so drunk you do not remember anything. Some people will say that you got taken advantaged of, raped. Yes, you put yourself in a situation where you were drinking, but anybody could have taken advantage of that situation. Do you know where you were at when you woke up? Who's place was it? Does any of your friends know where you went they just left you there? You have to ask yourself do you feel violated? If you do, tell your fiancé. At the same time I know you feel you do not want to make excuses about the situation but you also need to tell him how you feel about the situation. IF you feel it was somebody taking advantage of you then you need to report it as a rape, whether you were drunk or not.

This guy drove you to your car? Where did he drive you from? There must be a way of finding out about this person?

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

This guy drove you to your car?? Where did he drive you from?? There must be a way of finding out about this person??

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Okay, l am going to try to clear up what happened that night... I met up with a couple friends in a city that I am not from at a bar that I can't remember the name of (that part I know lean figure out). My friends decided to turn in early but I decided to stay since I had driven an hour to get there. One of my friends who lives down the street from the bar said wren I was ready to come home I could just walls to her place. While there with my friends I had started talking to this girl there so when my friends left she and started hanging out together and meeting a bunch of new people. I don't remember much else of the night. I know the girls first name but nothing else about her. My friend never met any of the people there so they wouldn't be any help.

The next morning I woke up still very hazy and he told me he needed to take me back to my car because he had work. When I looked at the clock in the car in was 7:17 and when we got back to my car it was 7:41. Before I got out of the car he told me, "you were a great f**k"I was on the verge of passing out at this point so l slept in my car for about an hour and a half, then headed home. Since I am not from that area don't remember any streets we took or anything like that.

Hope that clears it up a bit.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

Okay, l am going to try to clear up what happened that night... I met up with a couple friends in a city that I am not from at a bar that I can't remember the name of (that part I know lean figure out). My friends decided to turn in early but I decided to stay since I had driven an hour to get there. One of my friends who lives down the street from the bar said wren I was ready to come home I could just walls to her place. While there with my friends I had started talking to this girl there so when my friends left she and started hanging out together and meeting a bunch of new people. I don't remember much else of the night. I know the girls first name but nothing else about her. My friend never met any of the people there so they wouldn't be any help.

The next morning I woke up still very hazy and he told me he needed to take me back to my car because he had work. when I looked at the clock in the car in was 7:17 and when we got back to my car it was 7:41. Before I got out of the car he told me, "you were a great f**k"I was on the verge of passing out at this point so l slept in my car for about an hour and a half, then headed home. Since I am not from that area don't remember any streets we took or anything like that.

Hope that clears it up a bit.

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Chrissy

However this thing happened the fact is that it has happened. Let us move on from here. You are pregnant and you need to think about yourself and the health or your baby now. Moving froward are you taking any vitamins, if your not you should start. Also you need to tell your fiancée, he deserves that much, pregnancy is not something that you can hide for very long. Once he sees your growing stomach he is going to be so attached to this child. Once the baby arrives if its not his he'll be crushed, the act of not telling him soon is to wicked. Its going to hurt him more in the long run if you are not honest with him now.

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Originally Posted by lighterrr

Chrissy

However this thing happened the fact is that it has happened. Let us move on from here. You are pregnant and you need to think about yourself and the health or your baby now. Moving froward are you taking any vitamins, if your not you should start. Also you need to tell your fiancee, he deserves that much, pregnancy is not something that you can hide for very long. Once he sees your growing stomach he is going to be so attached to this child. Once the baby arrives if its not his he'll be crushed, the act of not telling him soon is to wicked. Its gonna hurt him more in the long run if you are not honest with him now.

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I was just trying to clear up the entire situation for Jesushelper. Right now I am thinking about terminating the pregnancy so I am not taking any vitamins. I just figure what he doesn't know can't hurt him and if I just don't tell him, he can not get attached. I am thinking the best decision might just be to make a clean break from him and the pregnancy so that everyone gets hurt as little as possible. Except of course, the baby and I. I have always been completely pro-life but in my mind I know that if it isn't my fiance's child that I will not be able to love it the same way and I wouldn't know if I would want to try adoption until the baby is born and that is just too long to wait. I know that it will kill me to do this and how incredibly hard it would be to do this but I just feel like it might be the best thing to do.

I personal feel your being a coward. Your acting like a coward. Your turning into a liar. Something like this you should not be hiding.

Take care, Good luck. I am not here to judge you, but I think your making the biggest mistake in your life.

You will have to face this decision and decisions for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you. You need to make your own decisions obviously anything anybody said here to help you out, is not working.

You create your own life.

Joe

Your acting guilty, you obviously feel you cheated, maybe you really knew what you were doing or you would not want to hide it like this.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I personal feel your being a coward.

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I completely agree that I am being a coward. This is my third time being pregnant in the past year and a half. I miscarried the first two times so we have still been trying. If I end up not miscarrying this time and actually give birth and the baby turns out not to be my fiance's then it would be heartbreaking for both of us. Plus I am honestly scared about losing another baby through miscarriage again.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Your acting guilty, you obviously feel you cheated, maybe you really knew what you were doing or you would not want to hide it like this.

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And yes I completely feel like I cheated... Having sex with someone who isn't my fiancé is cheating regardless of any circumstances. Sex with someone else = cheating. I know that I cheated despite if I don't remember doing it and I feel horribly guilty I can not even look my fiancé in the eyes. And I am honestly trying to listen to all of the advice I am given and am taking it all into consideration, but as you said earlier I am a coward. I am scared to death to tell him. I just don't know what it would do to him. He has sacrificed a lot for me and we have been through so much I just don't want to hurt him more than I have to.

What if the baby is your fiance's? Given the situation, I would tell your fiancé what happened. The truth apparently is that you went to a club with friends, they had to go home early but one would come get you to hang out at her house when you were ready to leave. You met another girl there and started talking with other people as well. The next thing you know you are waking up in some strange place with some guy. Sounds very, very much like you were set up and taken advantage of. Can it be proved? No, but it is highly unlikely that you would remember nothing from chatting with people in a club and waking up at some guy's place.

In this instance, yes it would be unfortunate if the baby was not your fiance's, but there is no way to know that for sure. You don't even know if the guy you were with was telling you the truth about having had sex with you since you were both drunk. Given that it was one time... sure it can happen, but odds are actually in your favor that the few times you were with your fiancé would stand a better chance.

Give your fiancé the chance to at least make a decision for himself... he may very well understand how this could have happened. You don't want to hurt him, but leaving him will hurt him for sure. Telling him what happened won't be easy, but it is the right thing to do. When the baby is born, you can find out at that time if your fiancé is the father or not, but don't take the chance of having a child you were trying for away from yourselves if you really don't want to.

Thank you so much for your post Doula. As you can probably tell I have been sitting at my computer all day trying to decide what to do and although others have said close to the same thing but yours finally hit the spot. I know I don't want to terminate the pregnancy I just thought it might be the best option. I think now that I do need to come clean because right now it is completely tearing me up inside. Anytime I am not with my fiancé I am sitting at home alone just crying as I have been doing all day today.

I apologize to anyone who I pretty much argued with about coming clean to my fiancé. You all were right, I know this is what I need to do. Now it's just trying to work up the courage to actually do it.

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Originally Posted by chrissy1021

And yes I completely feel like I cheated... Having sex with someone who isn't my fiance is cheating regardless of any circumstances. Sex with someone else = cheating. I know that I cheated despite if I don't remember doing it and I feel horribly guilty I can not even look my fiance in the eyes. And I am honestly trying to listen to all of the advice I am given and am taking it all into consideration, but as you said earlier I am a coward. I am scared to death to tell him. I just don't know what it would do to him. He has sacrificed a lot for me and we have been through so much I just don't want to hurt him more than I have to.

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You're between a rock and a hard place and I understand that you're scared, confused, upset and probably not thinking clearly.

If you didn't consent to sex then it's rape. Seeing as you can't remember consenting, dear, it's rape. This guy took advantage of a very drunk woman, no excuse for that behaviour at all.

Could you love a child that isn't your fiancés? I think you could, but the choice is yours.

If this child belongs to the one night stand/rapist then I can understand not wanting to continue with the pregnancy. As for being afraid of miscarrying, I understand that too, suffered one miscarriage myself which is why I decided not to try for a third child, I couldn't go through that again. But, there's always a risk of miscarriage, that's part of being pregnant. You claim to want a child, so you will have to go through a pregnancy in order to obtain that goal.

You say you're pro life. Well, if you terminate this pregnancy can you carry on with your life and not feel guilt? If you decide to do this then please, go to counselling, not only for the abortion but for the rape.

You do need to tell your fiancé. Things like this have a way of coming out in the open. Better that he hears it from you then someone else.

No, it's not easy, it won't be easy, but that's also a part of life and relationships.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I hope you find your way.

Good luck.

Another thing I thought of too. What if this guy was just saying that. Maybe you did not have sex with him at all? How do you really know? This guys word? I do not know. If you guys did have sex, you do not remember. He did take advantage of you. Yes, It is Rape as alty said, I said that before.

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriages that is very hard to deal with. I know because my wife and I have been through the same thing.

I pray to God that the baby you do have is your fiancés. I hope everything works out for you. I really do.

Joe

Thank you Alty and Jesushelper. I hadn't even thought about the fact that we might not have really had sex until now. I really appreciate all of the advice.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Your acting guilty, you obviously feel you cheated, maybe you really knew what you were doing or you would not want to hide it like this.

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What she is guilty of is being irresponsible by drinking and partying to the point of oblivion.
With strangers, no less. There are many lessons to learn here and being in control of your faculties is number one. Chrissy, whatever you decide to do, PLEASE learn from this. Why don't you just tell your fiancé just what you told us. The truth. I think that has to be the first step, other decisions will follow this. I wish you strength, courage, and wisdom.