I am 27, smart, funny, and am beginning to better appreciate my looks. I run a lot, do the makeup/hair thing on the weekends and have scores of friends. People are naturally attracted to me on a friendship level because I really love connecting with people and am very much an extrovert. But, I have incredibly low self-esteem. My friends tell me that I push guys away as a defense mechanism, but honestly, I don't think any guy has ever tried to get close enough to me for me to get the chance to push him away. Although a lot of my friends are paired off/married, I am not desperate to land a man or get married just because of my age. I just want to know what it feels like to have a boyfriend--just once! I just want to know what it feels like to have a guy like me, be interested in me, etc.

Do you think there is someone out there for everyone? I guess maybe I sound good on paper but I am lacking in other stuff necessary to be attractive to the other sex. Do you think my chances have passed or do I still have a shot at something special? How come no one wants anything to do with me?

Some people need to have somebody in their life and others do not. Some find there true love at an early age. Some find love later on in life. There is not a rush. Even though you may have pressure from family and friends. There is no need. Also it seems when your seeking, looking it seems like it never comes. When you just let it go and go with the flow and just live your life and find things that interest YOU and YOU Do them out of the blue when you least expect it BAM, you have an interesting connection with somebody which may turn out to be the most important experience in your life.

Self esteem, what do you mean you have low self esteem? What makes you think that? What kinds of things bother you? This could have an effect but you yourself said you have great connections with others.

Your chanches are never NEVER ever Passed. I hope you understand that very most important part of my post. You will one day experience something special, but if you rush, if you seek. It will take longer to actually experience that special experience.

Joe

Why settle for something you would never dare to have? I mean to say, relationships a mess and if you haven't had that in the past then it will be very challenging for you this time. Just try to have fun and see where it leads you to. Don't worry about a boyfriend. It will come anyway. I think what you need is a good time experience either sexually or just emotionally. Just be prepared you can control all the forces coming to you.

Your friends may actually have a good handle on the situation. I think it is altogether possible that you do push guys away due to some kind of fear of getting close and making yourself vulnerable. You seem to want that connection but at the same time are obviously doing something to sabotage yourself. Have you ever been asked out on dates? How do you respond when you are? I think you need to take a close look at yourself and how you act around men. At age 27 you certainly still have a chance but first you have to identify whatever self-destructive behaviors have kept you from experiencing what you want.

Age doesn't matter.
Its just a number, its how you feel inside, and people sense that.

I believe that when you search for a boyfriend or girlfriend that person will never show up, but when you stop looking you will be surprised :)

I suspect the guys that have presented themselves to you aren't what you want so don't worry just keep being true to yourself and let the right one come along. Nothing wrong with dating though until then, with no strings attached and no pressure, just fun. No hurry for a b/f , he'll show up.

It's amazing how we perceive ourselves in our own minds. Who hasn't seen those shows on TV where someone acts outrageously but doesn't really believe it until they pull out the tape and show them? We all tend to put ourselves in our own best light. It may be your body language, the tone of your voice, your approach to sarcasm - or perhaps that you own a thousand cats - something is getting in the way of a close personal with a man. Since a videocamera is a little too obvious and you'd be on your best behavior, ask a trusted friend to watch you interact and make a few mental notes on the vibe they are getting. Also, nothing is more annoying than a woman who is constantly bemoaning the fact she has no boyfriend - that in itself could send them running. Guys begin to wonder, "Hmmm, no boyfriend, what's up with that?" Loosen up, agree with everything he says, brush & floss - you'll get a man... You can revert back to your old ways after the wedding...

Wedding? She hasn't even passed the security stage yet you are talking about wedding? You see she never had boyfriend. Wedding would never be the best resolution here. And for god sake you're groom will just ditch you on the altar. Witrav, your situation is less likely common in the society but the ratio is 1 out of 10 women who suffers the same dilemma. I wouldn't think of it as a problem but a challenge which should have been dealt with before adulthood. You also mentioned that you have other convincing skills that can make people like you. If you are an extrovert then you shouldn't be suffering low self esteem but I'm not sure how is that coming together. If you're talking about confidence of getting laid or someone especial for you then you'll never get through it. Think of it the other way around and remove some stress that affects your goal. Build your confidence by making a man get you instead of you getting them. This might cost you some wire pulling but try to get some feedbacks from your other girlfriends or guy friends how to enhance yourself. And one more thing, observe other couples around you. Try asking yourself why is the guy so into her? What does she have that he likes from her so much? Maybe outward appearance or it could be something intellectual? Men are always intrigued with something they've never explored. So you just have to show them what you have or maybe even talk less and let nature take its course.

Witrav,

Honestly, I'm sure you have no reason what so ever to have low self esteem. It sounds though like you do push away guys because of this but even so I bet you think "well even so why hasnt a guy tried harder to get to know me?"
I think when you really want it as it sounds like you aren't completely open to the idea it will happen. There is no expiry date or deadline to love or finding the right person. I think you have to open yourself up more for the possibility of at least having fun/dates with a few guys which will in time make it a little easier for you to open yourslef up to someone you really care about.

I am a bit the same as guys always loves being my friend and I think the thought of anything else just doesn't enter their minds. And I have just the same as everyone else.. I'm not hideously ugly! Sometimes when you're everybodys friend and your good to tlak to .Everyone associates that with you first and nothing else. If you spot someone you like don't try so much to be all buddy buddy with them!

Sorry not much of a quick response, but I know exactly how you feel I hope I helped little!

You'll be fine! I promise!

So... um your 27 and never had a boyfriend? Can I have your number?

Couldn't spread it Chuff... hehe :D
But I like your post... I smell romance in the air ;)

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Originally Posted by Krs

Couldnt spread it Chuff... hehe :D
But i like your post... I smell romance in the air ;)

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Why... Thank you. What she sees as a negative I can only see as a positive. A woman with no baggage, and no games to play. Witrav, I think I may love you. But lets take it slow.

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Originally Posted by chuff

Why....Thank you. What she sees as a negative I can only see as a positive. A woman with no baggage, and no games to play. Witrav, I think I may love you. But lets take it slow.

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That is so so sweet :)

Some times you females are so picky, so let me just ask our OP if there are some guys or guy she finds attractive and would like to explore dating with or is the feelings you have just of the physical nature?

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Originally Posted by Krs

that is so so sweet :)

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Yeah, believe it or not some of sweet guys do exist. I'm also employeed so I have that going for me as well.

Of course there are great sweet guys about, I am married to one for starters :)

You get all sorts in both sexes!

I think I've chased Witrav away. She hasn't posted since the original post.

I'm 17 and I've never had a BF. :(
I don't really know why.. I guess its because my parents raised me a certain way.. to stay away from sex/bfs/watever..
I mean 17 for goodness sake! I am going to get a boyfriend.. right after this damn exam is over..
All I can say is... I hope I don't face your situation in 10yrs time...

Gal stop feeling so low! I'm sure there's sum1 out there for you! There's alotta fish in the sea but only a golden one for you and me...

So try to be more sociable.. just smile @ guys but don't be too desperate.. I think you should find some male friends first and then who knows...
It could develop and vuala hello new bf

So... um your 17 and never had a boyfriend? Can I have your number?


... Oh wait SEVENTEEN!! Scratch that.

Witrav, where are you? I miss you.

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Originally Posted by jgj6331

It's amazing how we perceive ourselves in our own minds. Who hasn't seen those shows on TV where someone acts outrageously but doesn't really believe it until they pull out the tape and show them? We all tend to put ourselves in our own best light. It may be your body language, the tone of your voice, your approach to sarcasm - or perhaps that you own a thousand cats - something is getting in the way of a close personal with a man. Since a videocamera is a little too obvious and you'd be on your best behavior, ask a trusted friend to watch you interact and make a few mental notes on the vibe they are getting....

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I read the above thinking "Wow - Right on". It's very true and a great observation. But then I read:

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Originally Posted by jgj6331

Also, nothing is more annoying than a woman who is constantly bemoaning the fact she has no boyfriend - that in itself could send them running. Guys begin to wonder, "Hmmm, no boyfriend, what's up with that?" Loosen up, agree with everything he says, brush & floss - you'll get a man..... You can revert back to your old ways after the wedding....

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And this is bad - You don't put up a false front and act like a "different person" just to land a husband, and you definitely do not just "let yourself go" once you've married your partner. Both of these will lead you to the same place: Either an unhappy, long-term marriage that neither partner has the guts to fix or end, or a quick divorce after one partner realized the fraud of the other.

Lovely!

Phillysteakandcheese - God, can't someone be sarcasticly witty without being taken seriously on this forum? Indeed, the last section of my response was "tongue-in-cheek" - and I thought obviously so... No, I don't recommend being who you are not as it will wear thin in a very short while. But I do stick by the premise that a woman constantly complaining about not "having a man" - is difficult to befriend... There is always a tension there that will drive away even the closest friends - male or female...

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Originally Posted by jgj6331

Phillysteakandcheese - God, can't someone be sarcasticly witty without being taken seriously on this forum?....

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Absolutely - However the "serious" advice is presented the same as the "sarcasticaly witty" advice with no indication otherwise.

If you had sepereated the last line and added a smiley I could interpret the line as you making a joke... As it reads, it's bad advice.

:)

Don't feel so bad. I'm 30 and never had a boyfriend :( and never been kissed :( . I was always a Tom Boy in school. Now that I am out of school and no longer play sports, the Tom Boy has gone away. Now I have low self esteem and I am afraid to talk to men.

I want to have kids and start my own family, but if I don't learn how to talk to men, then that dream is never going to come true (not unless I am the next Virgin Mary). I do talk to men on match doctors, eharmoney, or match.com, but I always get scared when they want to meet me and I tell them I'm not interested. We need to start a support club on how to build self confidence when talking to men.

So... um... your 30 and never had a boyfriend? Can I have your number?

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Originally Posted by chuff

So...um... your 30 and never had a boyfriend? Can I have your number?

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LOL here he goes again :p ;)

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Originally Posted by Krs

LOL here he goes again :p ;)

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I'm going to have Witrav and misslonewolf fighting over me!!

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Originally Posted by chuff

I'm going to have Witrav and misslonewolf fightin over me!!!

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You sure are, you bad bad boy ;)

Chuff, I think your having way too much fun lately, and Krs is right. Your getting to be a bad bad boy.

Hey witrav, I'm 26 and pretty much in the same boat as you. I don't consider myself particularly ugly, I'm clever and good in my job, good with people in general and never had a boyfriend. I've been asked for my phone number once when I was 18 (and a tom boy like misslonewolf :)) and once for a date last year. That's it. And both were guys I wasn't into at all (and before you guys go on a roar again: I'm honestly not fuzzed about looks!).

Personally, I feel that thinking and phantasizing about a boyfriend is really nice and hmmmm... but as soon as it comes to imagining someone in particular as my boyfriend I find myself crapping my pants (pardon my french). But I never actually get to worry about this bit, since no one is interested anyway. This makes me think: Do I do something to make people think I wouldn't be interested in them? I don't think that's something your friends' could analyse while observing you, it must be some small long-term attitude that somehow stuck in the head.

To be honest, I can't offer you any solution for your problem. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this (and misslonewolf will probably agree) and there's a couple of others out there facing the same problem :rolleyes:

Hope this helps :o

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Originally Posted by Krs

You sure are, you bad bad boy ;)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Chuff, I think your having way to much fun lately, and Krs is right. your getting to be a bad bad boy.

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Well I agree I am having fun lately, or trying too. You know I try and bring smiles to faces all around the world. And I have been a bad bad boy. I think I need a spanking.

LMAO-Now even I admit it's gone to far.

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Originally Posted by tryss

Hey witrav, I'm 26 and pretty much in the same boat as you. I don't consider myself particularly ugly, I'm clever and good in my job, good with people in general and never had a boyfriend.

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So... Umm your 26 and never had a boyfriend? Can I have your number?

Chuff Chuff

You are naughty...
Keeping your options open are you? ;)

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Originally Posted by tryss

Personally, I feel that thinking and phantasizing about a bf is really nice and hmmmm... but as soon as it comes to imagining someone in particular as my boyfriend I find myself crapping my pants (pardon my french). But I never actually get to worry about this bit, since noone is interested anyways. This makes me think: Do I do something to make people think I wouldn't be interested in them? I don't think that's something your friends' could analyse while observing you, it must be some small long-term attitude that somehow stuck in the head.

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While even though I joked in the other post this is a real question that I'm going to address. Not knowing exactly how you interact with men I can only suggest that maybe your extending yourself as far as showing your interests in a man. If a man shows an interest in you and you start smoothering him than he's going to back away. I would suggest you think back to your situations in the past and think of a common denominator that may have chased the guy off.

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Originally Posted by tryss

To be honest, I can't offer you any solution for your problem. I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this (and misslonewolf will probably agree) and there's a couple of others out there facing the same problem :rolleyes:

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To be honest I'm sure there are more than a couple of people in this situation. The three of you have just had the courage to admit it. Let's be honest, relationships seem great from the outside but when you get in them they can be (not always but can be) horrible and depressing. I guess what I'm saying is I've been single and happy and in a relationship and depressed and I'd pick single and happy over the other. You shouldn't be beating yourself up over this because there are a lot of benefits to being single.

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Originally Posted by Krs

Chuff Chuff

You are naughty...
Keepin ur options open are ya? ;)

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Well I'm just spreading some Chuff love around for the ladies.

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I turn 28 this year and I have never had a date or a boyfriend. Plenty of guys have been attracted to me, and I've been attracted to plenty of guys, but never to each other! The men that fancy me I don't fancy, and the guys I fancy don't fancy me. I've never been interested in going out with someone for the sake of it.

Like you, my self-esteem isn't great... it's probably self-sabotaging on a subconscious level only, if you do push guys away. My advice, naff as it sounds, is learn to like and respect yourself first - be your own best friend. If you hear yourself criticising and saying hateful things about yourself just ask whether you would allow someone external to talk to you this way? Of course not! Love yourself first, men can wait.

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Originally Posted by faithl

I turn 28 this year and I have never had a date or a boyfriend.

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Hello faith, I'm Chuff. ;)

Glad to have you here. If you ever need anything just let me know. I'd be happy to help.

Ummmm... Let me get this straight, your 28 and never had a boyfriend... Can I have your number?

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Originally Posted by faithl

I've never been interested in going out with someone for the sake of it.

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That is such a healthy attitude. Some people get stuck in relationships for years and some people get stuck for an entire lifetime with people they don't love or that person abuses them. But they tell themselves no matter how bad the relationship is being single would be worse. That is false. I'd rather be single and happy then with someone and depressed.

Just curious as to your question you asked about being 27 and never having a boyfriend, and you think it's yourself esteem? Are your parents divorced?

I am turning 31 next month and never had a serious relationship. It really bugs me and I even lost my concentration at work because of this. Last year I got neurotic because I was still a virgin and was about to turn 30. I booked myself a holiday to Latin America and vowed to have my first time sex. I did with a greatlooking guy who had a girlfriend. I was heartbroken afterwards because I liked him a lot. I wanted to sleep with him again before I left the country but he didn't t. It s been nearly a year now since I had my first time sex and haven t had any sex in between. I would at least have hoped that getting my first time out of the way would have opened the doors for new and wonderful men coming into my life and having my first relationship but it didn't. In fact, I met a guy shortly after I returned to my contry and I was the one wanting to have sex immdiately. He refused me, what an ! Anyway, I think not having experience by my age is really a very bad thing and very embarrassing especially as people assume I ve been with men. The only men I ever attracted were idiots, taken men and ugly ones so how could I have been in a relationshi with anyone?? I do feel like I am a one off and all my friends are near to getting married or at least in a long term relationship and I haven t even started. I do feel that you need to be with more than one sexual partner before you gett married but what can I do if I have no one I can have sex with??

I found myself relating to what a lot of people mentioned so it seems we're not alone, yet I know how dreadful it is to not be able to answer why can't I have a relationship.

I'm 29 years old and never had a boyfriend. As I approach the big 30 I find myself thinking maybe I should have sex with any guy I can find because the thought of being a virgin at 30 seems so embarrassing and also seems to shout "there must be something seriously wrong with me".

I have a great social life, am outgoing and confident in meeting people and I have lots of guy friends so I know it's not necessarily a confidence in meeting guys thing. I've also met quite a few attractive guys but it never seems to move into the next stage and I did spend a long time last year in therapy to try to figure out why.

Self esteem definitely plays a part in it - I know I attract male attention, not in that I'm amazingly great looking but so far in life I've had my fair share of being able to meet guys, flirt with them, become great friends with them. So I'm not hideous but often that's how I feel.

The irony about the counselling was that the conclusion is you should face your fears in terms of having sex, a first relationship but I cannot get over how embarrassing it is that I have never done any of those things. I mean the average 30 year old guy would probably think there was something very wrong with me.

A lot of people assume my relationship history is very different and I cannot be bothered to correct them. Only my closest friends know the real truth. So more often now I think I'm almost pretending to be normal where deep down inside I really wonder if this means I will be single forever and on my worst days it just makes me wonder what it is that I seem to be doing so wrong.