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I always find women's looks extremely important for about half an hour, and then after that it's really a non-issue, the personality is so much more important in the long run, I won't bother to keep in touch with someone if all they have going for them is their looks.
I believe everyone is different, and putting men in one category and women into another is far to generalising than you can be with this kind of issue.
Beauty comes from the inside.
I think that women are more inclined to get involved with the 'feeling' of love than men are while men are more inclined to go for the practical aspects, such as, does this make me feel good, am I happy seeing this person, equals they're attractive, equals love.
I think it's also quite a bit more and less complicated than what I've said here. I'm sure that's very confusing. And of course, no one size fits all...
I don't think men and women are much different from each other. I'm sure this is where people go wrong in making assumptions about how we are different.
Too many similar questions. Multiple threads merged.
This is in part following on with my previous post.
If a guy fancies a girl, likes her physical appearance then he has an emotional interest in talking to her. If he then does not like her personality he will not wish to talk to her. If he does like her personality then he will want to talk to her more and be more attracted to her, to the point of wanting to go out with her.
But from all accounts since women are atracted to how a guy communicates (ie personality and how he makes her feel) then unless he approaches them they will not aproach him, bucause they do not fancy him on a physical appreance level and so no emotional interest in talking to him.
Is this the case ?
(Do women only go for guys who talk to them, in which case they are losing out on a lot of partners who because they will not iniate they will not know what they are like. In the case of shy men, or men who are not confident this can be sole destroying!).
Also this put a lot of pressure on guys to iniate and to have the possibility of rejection !
Somehow this does not seem to make sense!! Or am I percieveing things in the wrong way??
Yeah LBP said it very well !
Women start with the feelings of how the guy makes you feel whereas men think more practical and at the beginning men seem more focused on the actual chase.Once this has been achieved then the males start to think about whether this person is a long term partner or not.
It is then I believe they start to think using the logic of why this woman is NOT the right person for them.
Which Is directly opposite to how women approach the issue. Why is this the right guy for me? And they think about this before getting involved in the relationship.
I Think I've gone off the subject lol and those has been my observations, I cnat say it applies to every male and female out there lol
I disagree rol, I certainly don't think of it the way you described and that's the only evidence I can give you. Maybe I'm an anomaly.
Some women still believe in the tradition of the waiting for the male to ask them out. For the woman to iniate the asking is considered aggressive, not proper conduct.
Some women do not hold to that standard and will make the first contact. For them, it makes sense to iniate contact. They are thinking that maybe the guy does not know they are interested, so why not express it?
You talk about the physical appearance - men and women are both attracted to each other on that level. You will always find men and women who are attracted purely to the physical and not too concerned about the personality, as long as they look good.
There is enough shyness in both sexes and do not equate shyness with disinterest.
As people mature they may find their dating preferences change. Going from the purely physical focus to one that focuses on the personality first. That is all possible. What was so important as a teen is not that important in their 30's. And it could stay the same too. Everyone is different.
You talk about the pressure of being rejected. That is a fact of life, whether male or female. I agree that it is not the best part of life but it comes with the territory, so to speak. Just don't let that fear of rejection hang over you like a dark cloud. If you let that fear come before asking someone for a date, that will be on your mind the whole date. Learn to relax, be comfortable in yourself, and not be so worried. Everyone makes dating mistakes - everyone. It is human nature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
Hi Rol. Good to hear from you again.
Forgive me for saying but you sound typical of the gils I meet and have observed. Perhaps you would answer the follow on post from this one !
Thanks Online guy...
Women have been brought up to believe that if a guy fancies you then HE should make the first move. "Nice girls" don't do that, it comes across as being 'cheap' and 'forward', it's just society though, the same as girls should play with dolls when they're children and boys shouldn't. Times are changing though and because women are becoming more assertive (and more impatient) they are going for what they want, and if this means going up to ask a guy out then they'll do it.Quote:
Originally Posted by onlineguy
That being said, if you do see a woman you like and she likes you too then you can tell by her body language, you normally find she'll look over at you then look away if she catches you glancing at her and this will go on all night in some cases. It's not just guys who like women for their looks, women can be attracted to how a guy looks too and the personality follows. Most women like a man who is interested in them and what they have to say, has good manners, is intelligent and uses his initiative, hence one of the reasons they like them to make that first move. A lot of the times (if it were me for example), if she sees him looking at her all night and he doesn't make a move, then she'd make herself more "available" i.e. standing closer to him as the night goes on, maybe even starting a conversation with him so it can be a two way thing. As for women losing out if they wait for the guy to ask... any clever woman, if she has sights on a guy will make SURE she gets to talk to him in some form, even if it's only bumping into them, they'll make sure it happens and take the conversation from there.
Eve
Actually it's a good question.
Girls usually do not pursue because if a guy is interested he should pursue... however a lot of those guys that do pursue can be just looking for one thing.
Personally I like a guy who is not afraid to ask for a date, I don't like guys who will come and talk but do not initiate asking for a drink etc. But as you say those guys can be shy , but to a girl some confidence is important and he should not be afraid of rejection.
So go ahead ask the girl for a drink etc, don't fear rejection, show confidence. And take things slowly,NO need for rushing things, get to know her, ask her interesting things, do fun things, laugh.
Yes society has us programmed, but that's changing as more females are getting more aggressive about what they want. Men may do most of the chasing, but they have a way of sending us signals and make us think its "our" idea when they have chosen us.
Okay... I'm going to guess that you are in your late teens or early twenties. Girls of that age are still wrapped up in Disney, and are waiting for the Prince to make his move first. If he doesn't make the move, then he's OBVIOUSLY not interested. Or something.
I was like that at that age too. For some reason, it had been drilled into me that nice girls don't make the first move---and men date bad girls but marry nice girls. That leaves girls with the choice of either having a lot of dates and being called a bad girl or has her waiting by the phone being a nice girl.
YES, these are generalizations, but you get the gist of what I'm saying.
By the time you're in your mid-twenties, that all changes. Women stop waiting for a guy to make them happy, and start doing what they want to do. It's THEN that women get the confidence to ask out guys, because they realize that the whole good girl/bad girl thing is either a load of crap, or it's based on something other than just whether he asked you out or you asked him out.
Yeah synnens post is very true. Really depends on age. I still would not ask a guy out though and I'm 33 now.. at the most I may invite him along with friends if he was not making any move lol ;-)
But obviously if he is not making any move then he's probably not into me or just come out of a relationship or not ready for a relationship so what's the point ;-)
Generally I think if a guy likes you and is into you he should be the one to pursue.
I guess I've been IN a relationship for the last 11 years, so it's kind of hard to say what I'd do now.
I guess, though, I have more confidence when just asking people to go out in general. I'm not afraid that the girl in the office that I think is really cool is going to reject me if I ask her out for a cup of coffee after work sometime. Or, if she does turn me down, I'm not as paranoid that she must hate me and be laughing behind my back. Same with the guys I work with--if I think someone is cool, I'll ask them to do something with me, usually something I'm going to do anyway. If they say no, oh well. If they say yes, then I might have a new friend.
I have noticed that a lot of guys for fear of rejection do not aproach girls. There is nothing wrong with these guys and these guys would treat the girls well.
But it is the guys who just see girls as sex objects who will go out and hit on loads of different women a night that aproach the girls. Because the girls are waiting for a guy to aproach them, then they will go with these guys. Then this guy will just use her or cheat on her, because he always looking for another lay.
My point is that because the girl will only go for the guy who aproaches her as opposed to the guy who perhaps really likes her, but does not aproach her because he is not receiving any signs from her that she is interested (because she does not aproach ) then she will be seeing a jerk who mistreats her and cheats on her.! This happens loads and does not make sense !
Surly you would think that if a girl sees a guy hitting on loads of other girls it would put her off, but the opposite seems to apply!
If a guy does not make his interest known, then how can a woman tell if he is interested? That's why confident guys get the play, Guy. They have no fear of rejection and are quite willing to move on when there is no interest. They have their own agenda and that's what they care about. When a fellow can overcome his shyness and fear of rejection he has more opportunities and more fun.
Why should the girl go out looking among guys who may or may not be interested, when she can just sit back and wait for people who are? Remember, by not approaching, you're not giving her any signals that you're interested either... why do you expect more from her than you're willing to give?
Gender doesn't matter on this... anybody who waits for somebody else to make the move has no place to complain when they don't have a date.
I can go into great length about why waiting for someone else to approach you or hesitating to approach someone you're interested in is a terrible idea, but it boils down to this: Doing nothing will always get you a no, while doing something will get you a maybe. Given the choice, I'll take the maybe any day.
Exactly Tals post was what I was saying previously!
Women want a confident guy , not some shy thing that is afraid to ask her out!!
I met my ex at a party , we talked for 2 minutes and I left, the next day he rang a friend of a friend to get my number and asked me out, that showed condfidence and strength.
<<My point is that because the girl will only go for the guy who aproaches her as opposed to the guy who perhaps really likes her, but does not aproach her because he is not receiving any signs from her that she is interested (because she does not aproach ) then she will be seeing a jerk who mistreats her and cheats on her.! >>
No no no, just because the guy approaches does not mean the girl is going to fall for the jerk! What she wants is a guy who is not afraid to approach but yet takes things slowly and remains uncertain, this is why the jerks get the girls. The nice guys just stand around but wait for the girl to make the move, that is very unattractive or else they act all needy and go ahead in the stages.
I found an interesting paragraph in a book I'm reading, I will add it here later, right now I'm a bit busy.
Following on somwhat from the other posts.
If a guy finds a girl physically atractive, aproaches her and ask her out. He in affect is letting her know that she is of high value to him. If she says yes great. But if she says no then the rejections is a statement of him being of low value to her. Nobody likes to be of low value.
Since women do not aproach and will only go for a guy who aproaches her, then she does not put herself in the position of rejection. But equally she may not get aproached by a guy who could be right for her.
Also women act in an unaproachable manner, kind of a shield. They will shoot a guy down before getting to know him. Unless the guy is just being nice in which case they will see him as a friend. Resulting in rejection at a later date if he pursues a relationship.
So in effect all of this relates to a guy having to show her value, and taking a roll of a dice !
I don't know about you guys and girls out there, but without meaning to sound arrogant or full of myself, of which I am neither. I am of value ! I won't allow someone to say or treat me like I am not and I do not take kindly to someone showing, treating, or indicating that I am of no or little value. So I will not allow someone to be in such a position over me.
( We don't allow this to take place in out work envioroment or our social envioroment so why in our pursuit of finding another to care for!! ).
Surly the attraction should be 50 50. But how can it be if it has to rely on a man aproaching and the woman having all the power/ control... call it what you will.
I think more of someone who considers / treats me and shows me that my value is appreciated. If a woman rejects a man without giving herself a chance to know him, this is showing him lack of value and disrespect. Both unaceptable behaviour from a guy to a girl and from a girl to a guy!!
So what is the way to ask someone out without them being on such a higher value than you and being able to shoot you down, reject you.?
(is it best to communicate and wait for indicators of interest from her (value in you) before you tell her that you like her ! (value in her) or tell her that you like her as an indication of interest (value ) from you first so that she will either view you in a partner way or reject you in a partner way ?
Is there a way to be with someone without the possibility of rejection ? Which I take offence at.
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