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Talaniman said it all:
1. ACCEPT IT'S OVER, no matter what your heart might tell you.
2. Grieve, you have lost an important part of your life, you must allow time for this step or you'll never get over the ex.
3. Move on... long process that for some never really ends, but you will become a fully functional person again, open to new experiences and relationship
I don't think the feelings for an ex you truly loved ever go away, but by using NC, you can dull the stabbing pain of loss
I always think it is a good thing to leave things on good terms but that's not always how it turns out.
It does not really matter, like tal says you need to accept that it is over for good.
Actually, if you are questioning how you have left things, then maybe you have not truly accepted it is over because if you had, then you probably would not care how you left it, you would just put it down to experience..
Being rejected like this onlineguy is a tough and very painful experience but it is a time to become strong and acceptance is a VERY big factor here.
This is why we use No Contact..Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingCold
Not to win them back but to get healthy and move on!
Look at it this way... You will have learned some valuable lessons in life especially if this is the first time you have been dumped and especially if this was for you, true love..
Love will find you again, yet if you lose it again then at least second time around, you will be much better equipped to deal with it. If you can pull through it having not gone through it before, then 2nd time it will be easy peasy :) , well it will still hurt but like I say, you will be better equipped.
To put all of this into perspective, think of it as a chapter in you life that was beautiful, it had it's ups and downs but you will remember the fond memories of the love you both had. Love will always be there for the one you lost but that does not mean you cannot find it again through someone else.
Also, the next chapter need not include love or relationships, well it can include love but love for oneself and for LIFE..
There are so many things we take for granted that we don't realise what we really have. I think opening your eyes to all the suffering and pain there is in the world is in itself an eye opener and in doing so, it brings you to realise that what you have is good and your loss whilst it may seem significant, in the big scheme of things, it really is not.
It can't be said enough that the NC rule should not be used as a tool to get an ex back. It's sole purpose is to help yourself. After months of no contact it doesn't hurt as much, after years it's a distant memory. You can't possibly stay in love with someone who is no longer in your life in any way, shape or form. It works, that's why it's promoted so much.
I have a question..Quote:
Originally Posted by kay13
Taking into account what you said above, don't you still carry the love inside.. I mean if you truly did love them, then it might not hurt anymore when you have moved on but would you carry that love inside anyway and always love them?
I think that if you make the effort to get the relationship back the negative feelings at the end are all the worse because the dumpee is then left with the additional anger and regret that his/her efforts to salvage the relationship didn't work. You definitely want to part on whatever terms are best for you and usually that means having no more contact, just letting them go and getting on with your life with the other person no longer a part of it.
Hi Geoff, when I said you can't stay in love with them I meant to the extent of that person being a part of your life, together with the feelings that being 'in love' bring.
Yes I still carry that love and always will, I know that now. What I was trying to do in the beginning was to stop loving him in the hope it would stop hurting. I've now learned that I have to accept that I will always love him, stop denying my own feelings but not to let my feelings effect my future happiness.
I have just downloaded and activated msn. Only to find that my ex and her friend have still kept my email details.
My ex asked me to leave her alone, which is what I have done. So why keep my details?
Every time she is online I will know and so will she. So should I delete and block her from MSN ?
She has messengered me and we are having a polite and general conversation, its killing me though ! I would love to be back together, but I dare not mention it.
She wants you to leave her alone so do it and delete the MSN. Why toture yourself with the polite conversation when you know you want more?Quote:
So should I delete and block her from MSN ?
Hi there. I have just started talking to my ex on msn, but she is very distant and cold. Understandable as I had hurt her.
I just don't know how to proceed without pushing her away. Any suggestions?
The conversations are very brief, with her ending them to watch TV !
Send her one last message that leaves the ball in her court. Something about how you would like to hear from her again. But then do not initiate anymore contact. I believe others on this site call it the no contact rule. It seems to make sense to me.
If you have hurt her then chances are she needs time to heal. If you continue to contact her she will not be given the time she needs to heal. Step away and give her time, but let her know that when she is ready you would like to talk. Leave it at that, and wait until she comes to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuscany
Thank you for your help, we are just talking after a period of no contact. I am trying to rebuild the relationship, but I don't know the best way to proceed without pushing her away.
It takes two to tango. YOU cannot rebuild the relationship, she has to participate in the process as well. It sounds to me like she's not ready to do that. I'd send a message saying how sorry you are for what you did, and you're interested in making it up to her, but if she doesn't want it you'll understand. Leave the ball in her court and tell her if she has something to say you're listening, but you're not going to force yourself on her.
Stop being scared and leave her alone to watch TV. Find a life without her.Quote:
Originally Posted by onlineguy
Why are you contacting her at all?
Quote:
Originally Posted by chuff
I had observed a period of no contact, I let her know I would like to be on speaking terms. I was on MSN and was very surprised that she had not deleted my emial details, but I did not initiate the contact, she messengered me and said hi.
I was just friendly and polite, passed the needy stage, and did not mention about us or the relationship.
I would like to try to build a new relationship with this woman. But I really do not know the best way to proceed without pushing her further away. What I don't want to do is be in a position of bugging her.
Any advice ?
Well I think since she contacted you first last time I would kind of play it by ear so to speak. If she contacts you and just says "hello" then answer back "hello, how are you?" If she doesn't answer that don't push any further. If she answers then reply to what she says. But don't go overboard and control or over rule the coversation. Let her guide it and answer according to what she says. But that's all. Perhaps over time she'll become more comfortable and you can talk in greater detail and about more topics. But if you want a relationship, even on the friend level, let her come to you and do it on her terms so she feels comfortable.Quote:
Originally Posted by onlineguy
<<but I did not initiate the contact, she messengered me and said hi.>>
OK sounds OK, and I agree with Chuff, take it very easy . She said hi , what did you reply exactly?
I think you really annoyed her with your comment about her ex so she is probably having trouble with this, but you have already apologised so no need to mention this again.
So nothing serious, just simple hi's and how are yous for some weeks. Ask her about christmas , tell her some funny presents you got or something that could make her laugh.
Thanks for the advice guys.
I will just try to not put my size 12's in.
I have so much I want to say, but at this stage I guess its all about her and me showing her consideration, which is the thing I didn't in the relationship and why it ended !
I was considering only myself and not her ! Hard to change bad habits and not proud of them !
Yes , you seem quite intelligent anyhow from your other posts and advice you have offered so I'm sure you have a good head on your shoulders.
And no mention of the past again or her past!!
I think you approach this not going in head first, but go slow and have balance in your life, as we forget who we are, and only have one thing in mind, being in love. This pushes our partners away all the time. Spend time doing the things you enjoy without her, and have a full social life, and make sure you find out who you are so you don't lose yourself chasing ghosts and putting too much emphasis on the relationship, when its what you are about thats important. She should be part of a healthy busy life you have, and not your whole life. Change comes with time so go slow, there is no hurry. Take your time and get to know each other again and above all YOU SHOULD BE HAVING FUN.
Online guy, it seems to me that you are dealing with a lot of unresolved issues. I agree with some of these posters that you may have used the no contact rule merely as a way that she would come back to you and left yourself numb to the pain of a breakup and now you believe that you guys should be back together. You have got to get over the fact that although you may change for the best, she just might not come back to notice it. You will want them to see it really badly but the more it pains you that they don't take the time to notice the more that you should realize that you did not change for yourself but yet to please her. All is not lost if she does not look at the new you. If other women are liking the new you then you will realize that it is her loss. Now the main reason for my post. Ex's do come back and you have got to absolutely not care if they come back or not. My old roommate had a girlfriend for 2 years, they got engaged, she gave the ring back a week later and decided to take a break. She started dating other guys, and he was heartbroken but he had a lot of pride and he dated around a little bit, stopped worrying about her so much, went from talking to her every day to only calling her maybe once a week or sometimes months without talking. All I know is just when he had given up hope after a near year debacle she came back to him, they worked it out and have been married for the last two years. So it can be done but you have to be strong. This is not the norm, but I know that success stories are rare on this website and I just wanted to give an example that it does happen. And to me, my friend that got his girl back would never stress it enough in his worst times to beat himself up about the situation and that may be the kind of self strength that in the end would draw a woman back to you.
That's an interesting story copperhead6 about that guy that got back with his ex after a year. I knew a friend years ago who met his wife when they were both young. They split up after 18 months or so the spent a year apart dating others, then they split up again after another year or so, got back together then I heard they got married.. A few months ago, I bumped into him in the city and he said he was married but guess what? Separated as well.. They were a strange couple though, they kept following a pattern of breaking up and getting back together. I believe that it can happen but I have not seen it happen often and there is no guarantee that it will work 2nd time around. For it to work, there needs to be serious changes from both sides. If there is not any change, it won't be long before another breakup happens. It is best to accept that it is over for good rather than hanging onto false hope that you will get back with an ex. In time, you may not even want to get back with the ex if you have truly moved on.
Good afternoon everyone,
An interesting topic : )
I sympathise with having text your ex, and having no reply. You set yourself up for another fall really. I took my ex's mobile no out of my phone in September. Maybe you should do that, hopefully you don't know it off by heart, I don't. It helps.
I text my ex at the start of the break up too, got no response either, he would answer my emails (not all of them) but no texts. Best not to bother believe me. It is not worth it. I remember phoning my ex in September, I was heart broken after it, he sounded really weird on the phone, just like basically saying why are you calling me. It really set me back and I was upset for days.
Please don't beat yourself up over texting, it happens, maybe it has taught you something, take it as a positive : )
Xx
For those who did not see my last post, I was on msn when my ex messengered me. I was polite and friendly, ended the conversation in a nice way.
Following day she was on msn so I messengered her, thought the conversation was going fine, but she mentioned she was poorly and not sleeping. I as a joke said I could help her with sleeping, but it appears as though she took it the wrong way, ended the conversation saying watching telly.
I have since left a msn message asking if she was feeling better, but she has not been on line. And today I sent a text asking if she was feeling better only to be ignored.
She iniated contact on msn, so I thought we were back on speaking terms, but that does not appear to be the case. I am very confused, I don't know if we are speaking, if we are not, or what to say without driving her away ? She is not talking about how she is feeling, so I am 100% in the dark..
I would like to see if we can get back on good terms with a view to seeing if we can get back together, but I have not mentioned this to her yet, as I feel this has to come part way from her.
Any advice, suggestions of how to handle such a person, situation ?
No Contact for 6 months even if she contacts you ignore it and do not contact her back! 6 months, OLG, haven't you had enough yet? Time for a good long break.
Tal, if he wants to get her back, how will ignoring her help him reach that?
OLG, just leave her alone. No need to go begging to apologize. If she took offense to that, let her tell you that directly, then apologize if necessary.
No contact is not ignoring some one, it's a step back to regroup your head and re-evaluate yourself. If what your doing is not working you must consider other tactics, and the best one when it comes to relationships is to back off and have time for your dust to settle and get a more realistic view of yourself and the things you do. Do you really think doing what he is doing will get her back? The goal is not to get her back, but to reassess his own position. Without that realization, he can never see or overcome his own limitations.Quote:
Tal, if he wants to get her back, how will ignoring her help him reach that?
Again agreed 100%..Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I agree that No Contact is not ignoring someone, it is simply a way as tal suggests to re-evaluate yourself and work on yourself. IT IS ALSO BY NO MEANS TO BE USED AS A TACTIC TO GET THE EX BACK
<<thought the conversation was going fine, but she mentioned she was poorly and not sleeping. I as a joke said I could help her with sleeping, but it appears as though she took it the wrong way, ended the conversation saying watching telly. >>
Big mistake, when a girl tells you she is poorly and not sleeping you do not tell her you can help her with sleeping! You say oh I'm sorry about that , if you need anything please let me know... that would have been a much better response which I am sure she would have appreciated more than a sexually inclined one!!
Maybe its time you do some reading on how to communicate with a woman, as I suggested before 'men are from mars on a date' would be a great place for you to start while you are on your 2 month no contact!
Well if I were you I would send her one last message apologizing for what you said (if you have not yet done so). After that don't do anything, just wait for her response. Don't e-mail her, call her, IM her, etc. until she contacts you first. Once she does contact you wait a few days before contacting her again, and when you do just say a simple "Hi, just wanted to see how you were doing," and then wait for her to get a hold of you.
I've read your other posts and your biggest problem is that you think there is a tried and true technique to getting an ex-girlfriend back. Unfortunately there isn't and for any technique to work she needs to be willing. Listen, if she doesn't want to get back together then there is absolutely nothing you can do. Try as you might, but you cannot change a persons mind, and trying to do so will more then likely only push her further away.
You seem to be strongly adament against no contact, but you forget that love flourishes when your not always with the person. Why? Because you miss the person and that is when you realize that you're the happiest when your with that individual. Ask yourself this, "Do two people really love eachother when they never have a chance to miss eachother?" It's kind of like when you leave behind family, friends, or pets for a long period of time--whether it is for a business trip, school, etc.--you learn how important something is. For example, after I left for college I was excited that I was leaving home. I was getting tired of my parents and siblings. But after a year or so, with a few visits every now and then, I realized that I feel really good around my family and now when I go home I look forward to it.
Now, with regards to your situation, will no contact bring her back? Will she realize she misses you? Maybe not, she might realize she is happier without you. But hey dude, that's life, what can you do? Just leave her alone and stop trying to win her back. You've already tried that and you failed, deal with it. Take a different approach, take a step back, relax, and quit worrying about how to get her back. She will more then likely contact you again and when she does, take a few days before responding and when you do keep it light and simple. If she doesn't contact you, then don't do anything. Leave it be. After 6 months give it another shot and see what happens.
Remember, there are times and things you can never change (this includes your ex-girlfriends feelings for you), so don't get so carried away.
Hi Guys, for those following my posts. I split up with a girl who ended things, I did the needy ex boyfriend bit (oops).
She messengered me the other day and we were back on speaking terms after a month and a half, then she ended the conversation over a joking comment. Then I sent a text asking if she was feeling better, because she had the flu. And this was ignored.
Where do women get off with treating people this way ! They all say they want someone to care about them, but when you do they ignore you?
So why should I bother, I am the one getting hurt, so I have deleted her details and blocked her on MSN.
I don't know if it's the right thing, but its ripping me apart to care so much for someone and knowing its meaninless to her. Shear ignorance and rudeness not to reply.
What's your thoughts guys? Especially the women out there?
Hi there,
I am guilty of the needy thing also and I regret it. It is not attractive! You are right about deleting her number and MSN. I would say to you to hang in there and do not contact her. She may realise what a kind thing you were doing and just been a caring guy. Again do not contact her please for your own sake.
Hi OLG,
Sorry, you still are being ripped apart by this girl. Yes, I agree it is rude to ignore someone's messages, very rude. And if deleting her contact info, helps you... delete away, and then move on. It's time OLG, don't you think? Shame, there isn't a delete button in our hearts and minds to delete someone who is hurting us.
But to continuously have your messages and feelings disregarded just is not right. Do yourself a favor, and do not look back. Ask yourself, how can someone treat you that way, and do you actually want someone in your life who is able to ignore you, your messages and your feelings.
Good for you and all that time, and energy, and deep care you gave to her, about time you give it to yourself.
Allheart
OLG, I too am sorry she is still hurting you. I too believe it is very rude to ignore messages, extremely. However, I think you did the right thing in ridding yourself of her info.
I am a firm believer in NC since I am such a soft heart and will listen to any apology and truly believe it. NC is meant to heal a heart and soul. I think it is time you continue on the healing path with her behind you. Time to heal your heart OLG.
Go out and make anew with a new year and a new you!;)
Agree with both responses above OLG, could not rate you both, sorry had to spread the rep.
Well Onlineguy, this is the final straw for you it seems and you are now really realising how much contact can hurt you. This is why NC is for the best, however I appreciate you were just being the caring guy. You need to pull away and I agree 100% with what you have done by deleting her number and deleting her from MSN. This situation is just dragging your pain out and really must stop.
It is a new year and you must do what is best for you OLG.
I just want to say that you should make that decision, not her. If you are still emotionally attached to her you can tell her that you will speak to her when you choose to.Quote:
Originally Posted by onlineguy
Well I’m a recovering nice guy so I can’t speak for the women but you sound exactly like I used to talk. I just kept trying and trying and getting used and used. On top of that you sound like me, emotional. It’s very hard for us emotional guys because we are doing exactly what women ask and in a sense being emotional you’d think we’d almost be understood more.Quote:
Originally Posted by onlineguy
The “problem” with the emotional guy is he can become so emotional that he starts acting like their girlfriends. Being emotional we also try to make them happy and unfortunately we do it at our own expense. In our mind we think, “well even though I don’t want to do this, she’ll see my sacrifice and what I’m doing for her, and she’ll appreciate me even more.
Unfortunately, that is the exact opposite of what is going on inside there head. They are thinking when we cave or always give them what we want that we are weak and can not really support them emotionally. They are thinking that we act just like their friends (which ironically, we think is a good thing but it’s not) and not like a man. Remember women want a secure, confident man, not a needy, dependent person that acts like their girlfriends.
Exactly I agree with above, send one more proper apology. Something like " I'm sorry for what I said , about your ex plus the last time when we talked on msn. I am so mean and inconsiderate and it is no wonder I have messed everything up between us.
If you would like to talk to me again I would be happy, but I understand if you do not. I will leave it up to you now.
Take care,
Wait now! U forgot to mention what you told her when she said she was sick!! I replied to your other post .
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