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Originally Posted by onlineguy

Yes there was problems and I know them, she knows them and I am prepared to do what ever is necasary to sort them out.

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Its good that you are willing. Knowing that there are problems is a good start. However its important to speak accurately when dealing with them. There ARE problems, not was. And you might ask her if she is willing to sort them out with you. If she says no, then its over... just like Tuscany said five posts back. There is no other successful way that I know of or have seen listed here. So far, I am the only one who has posted here who experienced a relationship coming apart and then back together again successfully. I am currently still in that very relationship too. It takes certain things to make that work out, as far as I am concerned. Its just how it is. Those who believe in NC as a means to get an ex back don't ever seem to post here how it actually worked out for getting back together. We all have been waiting for the rest of that story for some time now, in all fairness. That its so conspiciously absent from here speaks volumes to me, as it should to us all.

If I knew the anaswer to getting an ex back, I would be very rich : ) There is no real answer, and sometimes you just have to ride things out and see what happens. I have done no contact and contact. It looks now like he has gone for good. I have to try and get my head round this. I know it's hard, but you have to try and put the thoughts of getting them back to the back of your mind, and eventually I have been told, we will stop thinking of them.

So

At the end of a relationship tell the person you do not wish to end, you want to be together and sort out the problems between you. But you will respect her decision and leave her be, go no contact until you are not emotionaly hurting / desperate for her.

Then initate contact (possibility of her having moved on). And start from scratch, having learned by yourself the reason for the break up.?

Is this what is required??

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could have been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could of been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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LOL Now you're getting it! Yeah, that is my point exactly. People who want to stay together talk and work it out. The one who leaves is saying essentially "I don't want to work it out." Now if you want to try and challenge that and manipulate them into changing their minds, be my guest. But here is the rub to that --- I have yet to see that work out in the real world. And I have watched a lot too. What usually takes place is they get back together only to break up again. And back together and break again, until one of them gets sick of all those games. You know that is true cos' you've seen that yourself too! If you BOTH won't deal with what is REALLY wrong, then you get what you get. And all the strategy and tactics in the world won't circumvent that one bit.

Here is my bottom line and I offer it to you as food for thought: What in the real world tells you that you'll be able to work it out with someone who hurts you so badly and, regardless of your pain, thinks that is an okay way to tell you that the relationship needs work? I suggest you look closely at the real world and notice what it says about that... and if you're not sure, I can translate for you in very plain, make perfect sense english.

The first thing is to discover the reason why she left in the first place. Then you need to know what she is looking for in her mate. Once you know what she is seeking then you can see if it is possible for you to win her back. You can not change who you are so who you are has to fit what's she is looking for. Trying to change to some one you are not will only mean she will leave again

Sometimes, when you truly love someone, you must find the strength to let them go and realise that not being in a relationship together is what is best for the both of you in the long term.

Be prepared for the pain you will experience throughout this process but feel comfort in the knowledge that you will get through it and grow into a stronger person because of it.

Don't blame yourself for your mistakes but do learn from them as best you can.

You've already began this process by recognising your mistake, you will be less likely to make the same mistake in the future.

This really sucks! How do I become a monk ?

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

So

At the end of a relationship tell the person you do not wish to end, you want to be together and sort out the problems between you. But you will respect her decision and leave her be, go no contact untill you are not emotionaly hurting / desperate for her.

Then initate contact (possibility of her having moved on). And start from scratch, having learned by yourself the reason for the break up. ?????

Is this what is required ????

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could of been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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So what happens if you did not do no contact straight away and pushed to get back together, pushing her away. She wanted to remain friends whilst she sorted her head out. But emotionaly imature me took this as her stringing me along. I wanted a commitment from her saying that we would be friends with a view to sorting things out or I would find another ! (this was of the advise from a woman at work, who I have since found out likes me... Doh! ).

I messed things up totally...

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

This really sucks! How do I become a monk ?

So what happens if you did not do no contact straight away and pushed to get back together, pushing her away. She wanted to remain friends whilst she sorted her head out. But emotionaly imature me took this as her stringing me along. I wanted a commitment from her saying that we would be friends with a view to sorting things out or I would find another ! (this was of the advise from a woman at work, who I have since found out likes me....Doh! ).

I messed things up totally.....

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See, it isn't all you though. If she really wanted this relationship, she would have stood her ground then and there and negotiated a real live separation with you, instead of a break up. You are right not to be strung along. Very right. That's what the immature and the gamers do, frankly. You tried to invite her to somehow hash out mutually acceptable terms, including a time limit since to leave anyone dangling not knowing is a very unkind thing to do and not right to ask for, not ever. Your instincts were spot on! And she declined.

That she did not do that says she is either just too immature for a relationship or that she gave up already and couldn't/woudn't tell you. In case you think it's the former, should you like to try and go back and arrange a separation now might salvage it. Slim chances though. And again, she has to be willing to agree to the separation and then later you both have to agree to get at exactly what went wrong. This is what counselors negotiate with committed but troubled relationships seeking help-- they orchestrate a mutually agreed separation of sorts and then, with a lot less stress, go at the source. Its hard work too.

Now do you see why this almost never works? Its because its such hard work that one person gives up and decides its so much easier just to get a new partner instead, which is exactly what happens a lot in the real world -- only they don't come right out and say that to you in the end, they can't bear to because it hurts you more and makes them look kind of shallow. That she ended it, instead of taking other options, says she didn't value it to begin with. I am sorry. I really hate how some people end relationships these days -- so "kind" that its actually quite cowardly -- its like they end it with a hint of false hope. That way, as time goes on with NC, by the time you figure out it really IS over, they won't be there to see all the pain they caused you.

While I feel your pain, no one can ease it for you, and as others have said a few days of no contact, is not healing. You are so deep in denial, and still holding out hope for things to get back the way they were. They never will. It takes two healthy people, willing to work to have a healthy relationship and that is not happening between you and your ex. Now you can kick, and scream, and cry, b****h, and moan, all you want, until you get serious about helping yourself, there will be NO help for you at all. Either you accept that this thing is over, and work on you, or you can spin your wheels until the tires fall off. You do what you want, but my advice is to listen to the advice of those who have been there, and have no contact, deal with the pain, and get healthy enough to see things in a clear and rational light. You have a golden oppurtunity here to get it together, so don't blow it for this fantasy you have built on hurt and self pity.

As other have stated - the No Contact is for you to improve yourself. Take a step back and realize where it went wrong. WHY did you push her away??

Did you come across as jealous, insecure, needy? With those tough questions?

My advice always as a guy is to stay away from tough questions for a long time! No tough questions. Be the fun guy always. NO Pressure - pressure pushes women away.

By staying in contact you WILL only annoy them, bother them. You need to give them the "Gift of Missing You" - it's really important.

You can not win back if there was abuse - verbal or physical, cheating (she's cheated in the past - big issue), lying, alcohol or drug abuse.

Quite frankly - IF she cheated on someone else - she may cheat on you. Not sure if you want to be with someone like this any way. If this was the reason for your break - discussing this, then maybe you should move on.

Breaks are learnig experience that will prepare you for your once and true love.

By no contact you give them space to think about things, think about maybe you are a great guy after all - lots of dumbazzes out there.

Win back can generally happen if you improve yourself over time - change - get in better shape, better financial situation, grow, change.

Were you in love with the idea of a relationship and not her?

Agree with Tal and Wildcat.

You are focusing so much on the idea of getting her back that you are in denial of the reality of the situation. I am not suggesting I am any different. I have gone through these feelings and hung on to hope but it really does not serve any positive purpose to getting you on the right track. Like tal says, until you stop doing this and focus on you, there will be no progress. Once the pain becomes less, you will be in a better mental state of mind to analyze the situation in a more healthy way.

I think you need to forget the idea of getting her back for now and focus on what wildcat suggested. Once you have worked on yourself, you may even decide that you don't want her back.

I can tell you that I am 3 1/2 months post breakup and I still feel the pain and there have been many ups and down and perhaps more to come, but I am more focused and I realize more each day that my ex was actually unhealthy for me and the thoughts of wanting her back subside slowly with time.

It will likely be the same for you too. Go out with your friends/family, work hard, study, exercise.

These actions will all help you to begin this process of self-improvement and the process of letting go. Avoid getting into a relationship for a while as this will not help and will likely result in a rebound situation.

You have got the strength to get through this. It may take some time, but you will get there just like I and many others will/have.

They generally don't comeback until you've actually truly moved on.

You need to show that you're life is great with them or with out them. That you don't need them. That you have a great life, love your life, are a fun guy.

People Want What They Can't Have. ALWAYS!! Women end a LOT of relationships early on whe nthe yhave you... for some reason it's no fun for them. Women want a mysterious, busy, FUN, no pressure, lots going for them type guy.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Now do you see why this almost never works? Its because its such hard work that one person gives up and decides its so much easier just to get a new partner instead, which is exactly what happens a lot in the real world -- only they don't come right out and say that to you in the end, they can't bear to because it hurts you more and makes them look kinda shallow. That she ended it, instead of taking other options, says she didn't value it to begin with. I am sorry. I really hate how some people end relationships these days -- so "kind" that its actually quite cowardly -- its like they end it with a hint of false hope. That way, as time goes on with NC, by the time you figure out it really IS over, they won't be there to see all the pain they caused you.

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This is exactly spot on, but it really really hurts. She kept saying she did not wish to lose me completely, just wanted to be friends but she loved me ! That's why I was pushing, but this pushed her farther away !

Now she is not speaking and does not wish to know me !

Wildcat
I would agree with you on your statement that women like mysterious man. However, I have to say... as a woman... I dated the mysterious man... but I married the good guy... the one where what you see is what you get. Mystery all the time would be to hard for me to deal with. But it sure is fun for awhile!!

Tuscany - you do not understand term mystery - mystery meaning surprise her, don't spill your guts all at once. Being busy with other things in life - friends, family, work. Slowly revealing yourself.

Mystery is NOT telling her everything like maybe your married or somethng - no. Being mysterious is as easy as NOT calling 5 times a day - e-mailing all day - texting all day!!

GOOD FOR YOU MARRYING THE GOOD GUY!!

The idea to understanding the no contact is - that constantly calling, begging, flowers, cards, notes, telling them how you feel, trying to meet them at their favorite places etc. - only works in the movies.

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

This is exactly spot on, but it really really hurts. She kept saying she did not wish to lose me completly, just wanted to be friends but she loved me ! Thats why I was pushing, but this pushed her farther away !

Now she is not speaking and does not wish to know me !

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Look, if you want to base the fact that its all over on one little action of yours that you seem to think was the only thing that pushed her away in some critical moment then you really are missing the ability to see reality here. I got news -- it does not work that way. She is not speaking to you because... it... is... over... dude.

Even Wildcat said "they don't come back until you've moved on" but here is the rest of that story that is NEVER told... when you do meet again, what compelled you to get together to begin with is SIMPLY NOT THERE anymore and a second round of it is so unlikely to happen. I mean, its like a one in a million shot that you would change and she would change, both in a way that not only overcomes whatever the problem originally was BUT also manages to create two new people who would be sooo attracted to each other that they toss verifiable caution to the wind and fall in love all over again. The reality is this: That barely stands a snowball's chance in hell of happening when a professional like a marriage counselor is involved who can better orchestrate it for that very outcome let alone this spontaneously occurring somehow on its own by two people who know so little about how it all happens to begin with... SHEESH! Are you like starring in your own movie here?

You can get real now and reduce the suffering to what is necessary or continue to play in fantasyland and rack up consequences that come with that, like it or not. Your choice. LOL

I was toying with the idea of sending a wishing you a merry xmas text so that we could be back on comunicating terms. And then get back the attraction. Don't know if this is wise!

Very hard to accept what your saying, evan though I see the wisdom of it. Giving up somehow just does not seem right !

LOL Let me show you how its done... I give up with this here! LOL
I wish you sincere good luck to you in all your adventures. I mean that.

Difficult time ahead. What I want to do is in direct conflict with what I should do!!

That's life I suppose ! I am left dumbfounded by her giving up!