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Originally Posted by onlineguy

Yes there was problems and I know them, she knows them and I am prepared to do what ever is necasary to sort them out.

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Its good that you are willing. Knowing that there are problems is a good start. However its important to speak accurately when dealing with them. There ARE problems, not was. And you might ask her if she is willing to sort them out with you. If she says no, then its over... just like Tuscany said five posts back. There is no other successful way that I know of or have seen listed here. So far, I am the only one who has posted here who experienced a relationship coming apart and then back together again successfully. I am currently still in that very relationship too. It takes certain things to make that work out, as far as I am concerned. Its just how it is. Those who believe in NC as a means to get an ex back don't ever seem to post here how it actually worked out for getting back together. We all have been waiting for the rest of that story for some time now, in all fairness. That its so conspiciously absent from here speaks volumes to me, as it should to us all.

If I knew the anaswer to getting an ex back, I would be very rich : ) There is no real answer, and sometimes you just have to ride things out and see what happens. I have done no contact and contact. It looks now like he has gone for good. I have to try and get my head round this. I know it's hard, but you have to try and put the thoughts of getting them back to the back of your mind, and eventually I have been told, we will stop thinking of them.

So

At the end of a relationship tell the person you do not wish to end, you want to be together and sort out the problems between you. But you will respect her decision and leave her be, go no contact until you are not emotionaly hurting / desperate for her.

Then initate contact (possibility of her having moved on). And start from scratch, having learned by yourself the reason for the break up.?

Is this what is required??

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could have been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could of been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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LOL Now you're getting it! Yeah, that is my point exactly. People who want to stay together talk and work it out. The one who leaves is saying essentially "I don't want to work it out." Now if you want to try and challenge that and manipulate them into changing their minds, be my guest. But here is the rub to that --- I have yet to see that work out in the real world. And I have watched a lot too. What usually takes place is they get back together only to break up again. And back together and break again, until one of them gets sick of all those games. You know that is true cos' you've seen that yourself too! If you BOTH won't deal with what is REALLY wrong, then you get what you get. And all the strategy and tactics in the world won't circumvent that one bit.

Here is my bottom line and I offer it to you as food for thought: What in the real world tells you that you'll be able to work it out with someone who hurts you so badly and, regardless of your pain, thinks that is an okay way to tell you that the relationship needs work? I suggest you look closely at the real world and notice what it says about that... and if you're not sure, I can translate for you in very plain, make perfect sense english.

The first thing is to discover the reason why she left in the first place. Then you need to know what she is looking for in her mate. Once you know what she is seeking then you can see if it is possible for you to win her back. You can not change who you are so who you are has to fit what's she is looking for. Trying to change to some one you are not will only mean she will leave again

Sometimes, when you truly love someone, you must find the strength to let them go and realise that not being in a relationship together is what is best for the both of you in the long term.

Be prepared for the pain you will experience throughout this process but feel comfort in the knowledge that you will get through it and grow into a stronger person because of it.

Don't blame yourself for your mistakes but do learn from them as best you can.

You've already began this process by recognising your mistake, you will be less likely to make the same mistake in the future.

This really sucks! How do I become a monk ?

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

So

At the end of a relationship tell the person you do not wish to end, you want to be together and sort out the problems between you. But you will respect her decision and leave her be, go no contact untill you are not emotionaly hurting / desperate for her.

Then initate contact (possibility of her having moved on). And start from scratch, having learned by yourself the reason for the break up. ?????

Is this what is required ????

((( seems like an awful lot of heartache and pain which could of been avioded by talking to each other in the first place!))).

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So what happens if you did not do no contact straight away and pushed to get back together, pushing her away. She wanted to remain friends whilst she sorted her head out. But emotionaly imature me took this as her stringing me along. I wanted a commitment from her saying that we would be friends with a view to sorting things out or I would find another ! (this was of the advise from a woman at work, who I have since found out likes me... Doh! ).

I messed things up totally...

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

This really sucks! How do I become a monk ?

So what happens if you did not do no contact straight away and pushed to get back together, pushing her away. She wanted to remain friends whilst she sorted her head out. But emotionaly imature me took this as her stringing me along. I wanted a commitment from her saying that we would be friends with a view to sorting things out or I would find another ! (this was of the advise from a woman at work, who I have since found out likes me....Doh! ).

I messed things up totally.....

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See, it isn't all you though. If she really wanted this relationship, she would have stood her ground then and there and negotiated a real live separation with you, instead of a break up. You are right not to be strung along. Very right. That's what the immature and the gamers do, frankly. You tried to invite her to somehow hash out mutually acceptable terms, including a time limit since to leave anyone dangling not knowing is a very unkind thing to do and not right to ask for, not ever. Your instincts were spot on! And she declined.

That she did not do that says she is either just too immature for a relationship or that she gave up already and couldn't/woudn't tell you. In case you think it's the former, should you like to try and go back and arrange a separation now might salvage it. Slim chances though. And again, she has to be willing to agree to the separation and then later you both have to agree to get at exactly what went wrong. This is what counselors negotiate with committed but troubled relationships seeking help-- they orchestrate a mutually agreed separation of sorts and then, with a lot less stress, go at the source. Its hard work too.

Now do you see why this almost never works? Its because its such hard work that one person gives up and decides its so much easier just to get a new partner instead, which is exactly what happens a lot in the real world -- only they don't come right out and say that to you in the end, they can't bear to because it hurts you more and makes them look kind of shallow. That she ended it, instead of taking other options, says she didn't value it to begin with. I am sorry. I really hate how some people end relationships these days -- so "kind" that its actually quite cowardly -- its like they end it with a hint of false hope. That way, as time goes on with NC, by the time you figure out it really IS over, they won't be there to see all the pain they caused you.

While I feel your pain, no one can ease it for you, and as others have said a few days of no contact, is not healing. You are so deep in denial, and still holding out hope for things to get back the way they were. They never will. It takes two healthy people, willing to work to have a healthy relationship and that is not happening between you and your ex. Now you can kick, and scream, and cry, b****h, and moan, all you want, until you get serious about helping yourself, there will be NO help for you at all. Either you accept that this thing is over, and work on you, or you can spin your wheels until the tires fall off. You do what you want, but my advice is to listen to the advice of those who have been there, and have no contact, deal with the pain, and get healthy enough to see things in a clear and rational light. You have a golden oppurtunity here to get it together, so don't blow it for this fantasy you have built on hurt and self pity.

As other have stated - the No Contact is for you to improve yourself. Take a step back and realize where it went wrong. WHY did you push her away??

Did you come across as jealous, insecure, needy? With those tough questions?

My advice always as a guy is to stay away from tough questions for a long time! No tough questions. Be the fun guy always. NO Pressure - pressure pushes women away.

By staying in contact you WILL only annoy them, bother them. You need to give them the "Gift of Missing You" - it's really important.

You can not win back if there was abuse - verbal or physical, cheating (she's cheated in the past - big issue), lying, alcohol or drug abuse.

Quite frankly - IF she cheated on someone else - she may cheat on you. Not sure if you want to be with someone like this any way. If this was the reason for your break - discussing this, then maybe you should move on.

Breaks are learnig experience that will prepare you for your once and true love.

By no contact you give them space to think about things, think about maybe you are a great guy after all - lots of dumbazzes out there.

Win back can generally happen if you improve yourself over time - change - get in better shape, better financial situation, grow, change.

Were you in love with the idea of a relationship and not her?

Agree with Tal and Wildcat.

You are focusing so much on the idea of getting her back that you are in denial of the reality of the situation. I am not suggesting I am any different. I have gone through these feelings and hung on to hope but it really does not serve any positive purpose to getting you on the right track. Like tal says, until you stop doing this and focus on you, there will be no progress. Once the pain becomes less, you will be in a better mental state of mind to analyze the situation in a more healthy way.

I think you need to forget the idea of getting her back for now and focus on what wildcat suggested. Once you have worked on yourself, you may even decide that you don't want her back.

I can tell you that I am 3 1/2 months post breakup and I still feel the pain and there have been many ups and down and perhaps more to come, but I am more focused and I realize more each day that my ex was actually unhealthy for me and the thoughts of wanting her back subside slowly with time.

It will likely be the same for you too. Go out with your friends/family, work hard, study, exercise.

These actions will all help you to begin this process of self-improvement and the process of letting go. Avoid getting into a relationship for a while as this will not help and will likely result in a rebound situation.

You have got the strength to get through this. It may take some time, but you will get there just like I and many others will/have.

They generally don't comeback until you've actually truly moved on.

You need to show that you're life is great with them or with out them. That you don't need them. That you have a great life, love your life, are a fun guy.

People Want What They Can't Have. ALWAYS!! Women end a LOT of relationships early on whe nthe yhave you... for some reason it's no fun for them. Women want a mysterious, busy, FUN, no pressure, lots going for them type guy.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Now do you see why this almost never works? Its because its such hard work that one person gives up and decides its so much easier just to get a new partner instead, which is exactly what happens a lot in the real world -- only they don't come right out and say that to you in the end, they can't bear to because it hurts you more and makes them look kinda shallow. That she ended it, instead of taking other options, says she didn't value it to begin with. I am sorry. I really hate how some people end relationships these days -- so "kind" that its actually quite cowardly -- its like they end it with a hint of false hope. That way, as time goes on with NC, by the time you figure out it really IS over, they won't be there to see all the pain they caused you.

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This is exactly spot on, but it really really hurts. She kept saying she did not wish to lose me completely, just wanted to be friends but she loved me ! That's why I was pushing, but this pushed her farther away !

Now she is not speaking and does not wish to know me !

Wildcat
I would agree with you on your statement that women like mysterious man. However, I have to say... as a woman... I dated the mysterious man... but I married the good guy... the one where what you see is what you get. Mystery all the time would be to hard for me to deal with. But it sure is fun for awhile!!

Tuscany - you do not understand term mystery - mystery meaning surprise her, don't spill your guts all at once. Being busy with other things in life - friends, family, work. Slowly revealing yourself.

Mystery is NOT telling her everything like maybe your married or somethng - no. Being mysterious is as easy as NOT calling 5 times a day - e-mailing all day - texting all day!!

GOOD FOR YOU MARRYING THE GOOD GUY!!

The idea to understanding the no contact is - that constantly calling, begging, flowers, cards, notes, telling them how you feel, trying to meet them at their favorite places etc. - only works in the movies.

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

This is exactly spot on, but it really really hurts. She kept saying she did not wish to lose me completly, just wanted to be friends but she loved me ! Thats why I was pushing, but this pushed her farther away !

Now she is not speaking and does not wish to know me !

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Look, if you want to base the fact that its all over on one little action of yours that you seem to think was the only thing that pushed her away in some critical moment then you really are missing the ability to see reality here. I got news -- it does not work that way. She is not speaking to you because... it... is... over... dude.

Even Wildcat said "they don't come back until you've moved on" but here is the rest of that story that is NEVER told... when you do meet again, what compelled you to get together to begin with is SIMPLY NOT THERE anymore and a second round of it is so unlikely to happen. I mean, its like a one in a million shot that you would change and she would change, both in a way that not only overcomes whatever the problem originally was BUT also manages to create two new people who would be sooo attracted to each other that they toss verifiable caution to the wind and fall in love all over again. The reality is this: That barely stands a snowball's chance in hell of happening when a professional like a marriage counselor is involved who can better orchestrate it for that very outcome let alone this spontaneously occurring somehow on its own by two people who know so little about how it all happens to begin with... SHEESH! Are you like starring in your own movie here?

You can get real now and reduce the suffering to what is necessary or continue to play in fantasyland and rack up consequences that come with that, like it or not. Your choice. LOL

I was toying with the idea of sending a wishing you a merry xmas text so that we could be back on comunicating terms. And then get back the attraction. Don't know if this is wise!

Very hard to accept what your saying, evan though I see the wisdom of it. Giving up somehow just does not seem right !

LOL Let me show you how its done... I give up with this here! LOL
I wish you sincere good luck to you in all your adventures. I mean that.

Difficult time ahead. What I want to do is in direct conflict with what I should do!!

That's life I suppose ! I am left dumbfounded by her giving up!

Yes, but some people are just always attracted to each other. AND a guy can create attraction all over again IF he is smooth he enough, makes her laugh, no DUMB questions, is indifferent... but most guys screw this up.

You have to make her rememebr why she was first attracted to you. Most guys screw that up because they get all uptight and actually put too much importance into it in the first place... which...

No text. None. No contact means no cntact.

... which brings us to why you end up in this situation. Putting too much importance into some one too early on... making YOUR interest level much higher than theirs and letting them know about it - not a good idea. You go SLOWLY and a lot of this won't matter as much until your both in love - both in love.

Did I say go slow?? Most people end up with heartache because they don't go slow!!

Go slow!!

Cheers for all your help. I have a lot to think about. I will continue no contact, I am still mixed up so now is not the right time to act on my emotions or make decisions. Learnt that much at least... lol.


I will keep you all informed of any changes.

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

Cheers for all your help. I have a lot to think about. I will continue no contact, i am still mixed up so now is not the right time to act on my emotions or make desicions. Learnt that much at least .... lol.


I will keep you all informed of any changes.

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Good man... that's the best lesson I learned. Keep calm and be very slow and rational about your thoughts and actions, or you will regret your actions later. Make the best possible decisions for YOU at this point.

If you like things well thought out and rational, then do the numbers...

Out of the hundreds of people posting here:
How many times have we heard NC wins them back? 1 (it had unusual circumstances, its still new & iffy at best, its clearly a long hard journey)
How many times have we heard winning someone back works out in the long run? 0
How many times have we heard that when ex's reunite, it ends anyway? 4 (2 are Wildcat's which puzzles me why he advocates it so strongly!)
How many times have we heard about salvaging a ruined relationship? 1 (but it clearly stated that breaking up wasn't involved, only seperating)

The experience people appear to be having is--- when you're broken up, its either permanently or ought to be.
Granted everyone likes to think their circumstances are unique and "oh, but you don't know how truly special our love is" but numbers do talk here.
And I am not saying it couldn't happen and work out happily but SHEESH look at the odds! Don't you think you better know absolutely everything there is to know about what it takes to make it work with odds like that? So if I were you, take a guess who I'd be hitting up for that info... There, is that rational enough for you? LOL

Val-
I could not spread the Rep... but right on! Great post

Hi Guys, I did it and sent a text saying that I hope she was well, pity it did not work out for us and just to wish her a very merry xmas and happy new year.

It did not make any difference, received no reply.

I guess the sense of failure is hard to deal with, all this caused by a misunderstanding. She was just not prepared to listen. Funny but I feel used and cheated...

I GUESS THE ANSER TO THIS POST IS YOU can't GET THEM BACK. ONCE THEY SAY ITS OVER YOU SHOULD WALK AWAY 100% FULL NO CONTACT.

Makes you want to remain single!!

Is being single worse for guys or girls ?

I don't want to make you feel any more down than you do now, but I think sending the text was a bad choice. I think the only reason you did it is because you are scared that she may be forgetting you and moving on with her life. That's OK and all very natural. Believe me, this has crossed my mind too and I have thought about doing it but luckily thought twice about it and decided it would be a very bad idea. My life is about me now and I and many others in this situation just have to pack up and move on.

It was a nice thought but now you are going to be upset that she does not reply, which I am willing to place a high bet on that she won't... You see, you have set yourself up to be hurt again without even realizing what you have done and I can already sense that you are a bit down hearted having not received a reply from her.

Never mind, what is done is done. Just go back to no contact now for good and try and work on Moving On! It is hard but you will get through it...

I must reiterate:- By contacting her in any way, you will be debilitating your own healing and moving on, you will be taking steps backwards rather than forwards. This is why No Contact has nothing to do with winning the ex back because it really has nothing to do with that... No contact is all about you and healing yourself.

How can you do that if you are contacting her?

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

It did not make any difference, recieved no reply.

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What difference did you expect it to make?

You chase, they run!

This proved that you have taken one further desperate attempt to show her that you still care for her and want her.

It shows that you are still there for her, waiting!!

It won't serve the purpose you want it to.

I'm saying what I am saying onlineguy because I care and don't want you to fall back and get hurt because I know how the pain feels. I am not judging you but just trying to guide you in the right direction..

Well the text was nice.A nice way to end things in any case.

Now I guess you can start to forgive her and forget...

Being single is not bad at all.Its different. I'm a girl by the way.

Why are you so worried about being single?

It's a great time to focus on you, do what you want ,whenever you want.

Being is bad for neither. No one HAS to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.

There is nothing wrong with being single, I spent 5 years being single and I had a great time. In fact, had I not had this time to myself, I may not be the man I am today. It is a time for you to explore yourself, who you are and what you want. I met my now ex when I was 23 and spent 3 years with her, again it was a great experience albeit I was left heartbroken by the recent break-up I had with her. Now I am single again and I am free to work on me and other areas of my life. You should not need to be in a relationship to be complete.

You should make yourself complete as a person first and then a relationship is an add on. Actually, this will also be a fine recipe for a healthy balanced relationship too.

Being single gives you a chance to better know yourself. Often when we are in a long term relationship we begin to define ourselves by our partner (not intentionally and not that that is a bad thing necessarily). I often look forward to when my husband is away, not because I don't love him, but because it gives me a chance to be alone with me for awhile. That is why it is so important that couples do things separately as well as together. My husband and I take Thursday nights... he goes out with the guys and I do something with the girls.

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Originally Posted by onlineguy

Is being single worse for guys or girls ?

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It's a great time for both man and woman actually and you can have all the fun you can handle. Your question suggest something negative about the single life, Am I wrong?

Sadly I think you sent that text with the wrong purposes in mind and now you are paying the painful price of not getting what you sought.

Sorry for that,m and I'm sorry for your pain, I just hope you have learnt the lessons that have been so painfully thrust upon you!

Normally when to people part they do not remain on a friendly basis.

The dumper is releaved and happy that the relationship is over, they will happily move on to the next relationship.

However the dumpee is left with all the negative feelings about the relationship. The hurt, sense of failure etc. the lonliness, loss of something of value.

It is generally the dumpee who does the running to save the realationship, the depsperate stage we all go through. Or if they are sensible they will do the no contact from day one.

My question is this.

If No contact from day 1 or you make the effort to get the relationship back are the negative feelings at the end the same ?

If they are then is it best to try to part on good terms, bad terms or terms that are best for you ?

It doesn't matter as long as you accept that the relationship is over. Then do what it takes you to heal and move on. Not easy, we ALL know that but so necessary.