Jaded, scared, selfish, self-destructive, or just plain stupid?
This is the point in my life where I feel I MUST come clean about a few things. My sobriety ended about 2 weeks ago and once again, it has been nothing but downhill from here. I haven't posted on here in a while because all I see is the same questions over, and over, and over, and over, and over again... I feel like I have become so jaded, angry, scared, or what have you from things that have happened to me that I just am sick of people all together. I had a really good girl on the line for about a month or so, and just up and decided to ruin it because of my own hang ups. Im not sure what is going on in my head, but I KNOW I need to focus on ME for a while. The only problem with that is, I have so much insecurity with myself right now that I reach out for ANYTHING that comes my way. I Do NOT want a relationship because I am SO much of a mess that I feel like I can barely take care of myself. The CRAZY part of that is that I am running into more girls now than I ever have before... I don't get it. Its not that I am "unhappy" or "mad" pre-say, but I just have hit a point where I just don't care... and I don't know what is worse. I am back to my old self destructive behavior, and I hate myself for it. I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now, and all I do is try and debate everything he says to me with common logic and anti-pycho babble BS. The thing is, I really feel like I am (not to sound conseeded) "too smart for my own good" but in fact I am a MORON for not listening... try and figure that one out. I have been going through a lot of "home probelms" with my mom (she is sick) my brother ( is a damn BUM and lives off my mother) that I carry so much stress and I am scared. I freak out thinking that I won't live up to the "standards" that my mom holds for me and will end up like my brother living off my mother when I am in my 40s with no family or even worse no DRIVE to do anyhting with my life. The thing is I place A lot of blame on my brother because my father passed way when I was young and I feel like HE should have been the "fatherly figure" in my life and shown me how a man really should act in taking up the slack and "man up". Needless to say... he Didn't. Its almost like he took my fathers death as a way to take advantage of my mother and that PISSES ME OFF! I am so SCARED of ending up like that... I don't think any of you can understand that. I just feel lost, and I really don't think that women are the cause of this, its just ME. I start my last semester of school on Monday, and the stress is KILLING ME! I just want to take care of my mother, and make her proud, PERIOD. The thing is, all I want to do is quit and take the easy way out like my brother did. Why should I have to work so hard for everyhting when he gets a free ride? Doesn't seem right does it? I know, it will be "sweeter in the end" but! I have so much enternal conflict going on that it is driving me CRAZY! I am the last male in my family that really has a snowballs chance in hell to get married, have a family, and make something of himslef. Pressure? My brother has such an easy life is INSANE! He is in his 40s... STILL wakes up at like 3pm, STILL has a half job. STILL stays out until 4am, STILL smokes pot, STILL does whatever he wants to do... and my mom lets him do it! I don't get it. My mom is that greatest person I have ever known and he just takes advantage of it. I almost wish my mom would kick me in the butt and tell me "DO something wiht you life" but she doesn't. I look for so much validation from my mother because I feel like since I was 6 (when my fater died) I have been the "man of the house" and that is a TON of pressure. This is more of a rant than anything, but for all of you coming on here talking about "how to get him/her back" thake life in perspecitve, it can be A lot worse. A relationship is the LAST thing on my mind, but that is almost just as scary. For those of you that actually read this whole thing, thanks. Life is tuff, and don't waste it with small trivial things that in turn will mean nothing in the end. Live life for what it is... AMAZING, and keep your heard up. Being a jaded mess is no way to live. Things always get better, and I know things will work out for me in the end. I think it is just a bit sad that I have to find it in the bottom of a bottle now than being the person I know I could be.