I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several occasions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has a lot of family in this area. A lot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

As with all situations/sets of circumstances that pertain to family [and other subjective arenas], there are often 'three sides to each coin'; and when a side is presented it is often, naturally and not necessarily intentionally, skewed to the p.o.v. of the party that has taken that particular side...

... that said, I wonder if you asked to speak with both your son and his wife at the same time, thereby allowing them to feel the 'protection' of their inherent alliance as husband and wife as opposed to the perception of being 'cornered' [which could imply the possibility of being 'coerced' into some kind of 'spousal-mutiny']...

... I'm thinking that you will have a better chance at reaching them if you approach the situation/issue from a 'what is in the children's best interests' instead of what you need as a grandparent, and that inviting them to discuss it as a 'dynamic duo' you should pose no threat to their strength both as husband and wife, and as parents who hopefully only want what's best for their children...

... on the other hand, if there is anything that you are not saying [either for the sake of retaining your anonymity, or because you just haven't come to terms with something crucial in a defining manner that pertains to their comfort level with regard to your interaction with their children] then you are simply in an unfortunate holding pattern until you can 'step up to the plate'/'face the music'/'wake up and smell the coffee', and nothing is going to change, in fact it might even deteriorate, until you come to terms with what their real issues are.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandi_feet

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

---

You are right you do need to learn how to deal with it. As a mother of 3 young children it would stress me out if my mother in law were over sensitive and trying to "schedule" times with them. It is not natural and it does not flow. Your daughter in law will naturally go to her mother- where she has great comfort. It is not a reflection on you at all. You are taking that part personally.

With you trying to force yourself into their family time/life they will pull away even more. When you do see your grandchild just be the best grandmother you can be and enjoy seeing them. Let the atmosphere be comfortable and enjoyable. It is not a battle between her parents and you. You need to lower your expectations so that you will not feel so overwhelmed and they will not feel the pressure.

Just enjoy them and her when they do come over. (At least they do see you.) If you relax they might relax.

This answer is not what I was looking for , but it sure does hit home. Thanks for the advise...

sandi_feet,

Reject the load-of-crap advice heretofore given. Of course, none of us know all the particulars about your relationship with your daughter-in-law, but advice like "just enjoy them when they do come over. (At least they do see you).", and doing "what is in the children's best interests" is not only condescending but ignores your pain.

I do not know what kind of grandmother/mother-in-law you are, but I can tell you and anyone else who reads this that not every mother-in-law is the wicked witch of the west the world portrays. Do a Google search of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problems and about all you find are a multitude of websites bent on showcasing how stupid, moronic, wicked, evil, disgusting, spawns-of-satan mothers-in-law are.

Yes, there are bad mothers-in-law. REALLY bad mothers-in-law. We get it already. There are tons of sites that denigrate mothers-in-law and psycho grandmothers. I am here defending the good ones.

My wife is a most wonderful wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. We have many of the same issues with our daughter-in-law concerning our granddaughter that you do. There is NO reason whatsoever that we should get the shaft like we do, but it's a fact. We have to FIGHT for scraps of time for our granddaughter, and yes, it does hurt when the "other grandparents" get 95%+ of the time and we get next to nothing. We have tried to have a great relationship with our daughter-in-law well before our son's wife got pregnant, but there was never any real emotional attachment from her to us. She "tolerates" us but doesn't feel a real connection with us.

She is petty, accuses us of things we've never done or thought, and our son doesn't want to play either side, so he totally stays out of it and refuses to get involved. About the comment that you should do what's in the best interest of the child: how is it NOT in the best interest of the child for you to get more time and not merely leftover scraps? Unless you are a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic, or some other moral degenerate who would be unfit to be with your own granddaughter, it would absolutely be in the child's best interest to be with you more than she probably is.

What the idiot daughters-in-law don't/won't understand is that most grandmothers (at least the decent ones) just want to love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Is that so terrible? If those same grandmothers did NOT want this, the same daughters-in-law would howl about how uncaring grandma is. Can't win for losing. And yes, I understand how a woman would be more apt to go to her own mother for comfort, as one poster says, but what has that got to do with you being able to spend time with your own granddaughter? I don't recall you being hurt because your DIL doesn't come to you for comfort.

Far too many children/children-in-law really don't care what their parents want. That's a fact. My prayer for them all is that they will come to understand how we feel when THEY become grandparents someday. By that time, of course, it will be too late to develop a relationship with our grandchildren, as they will be grown and have a life of their own.

I am sorry I have no real advice for you in all this, except first, don't take anyone's stupid advice amounting to "shut up and be grateful for what you've got", and second, I CAN say that you shouldn't give up hope. Make sure your granddaughter gets to know you. Spend whatever time you can with her. As for me, when my own granddaughter asks me someday why can't she stay with us more, I'll tell her the truth.

I have a 13 year old grandson living with me. It's a very sad story. I'll try to give you the short version. My son and his wife broke up, not even a year married. She was on her own with the baby when he got hurt and he was taken from her. My son got custody. Eight years later my son re-married, and then two more little boys came along. My grandson felt pushed out and became more and more unhappy at home and asked if he could come and live with me. He is 13 now and has been with me for two years. My son and his wife have been married about six years now and I can count on one hand how often I have seen her and the other two grandsons. I do not know the reason for this. And I am too busy taking care of my grandson to go and find out.

I really feel for you, sandi_feet. It's a very difficult position to be in. There are sites all over the net filled with grandparents who are taking care of grandchildren or are fighting for more time with their grandchildren. Some even fighting through the courts for more access to their grandchildren. It's heartbreaking.

Someone suggested sitting down with both parents and discus having more time with your grandchild. I think that would be a good idea. You also want to try to fix to have your grandchild on a regular basis. Pick a day that is continent for both parents and grandparents, and ask for it to be an overnight stay.

Let us know how you get on. Okay?

I think you talk to your son, since it seems that it was unbalanced because the mother is the one seting the time and all that. If your son would be in the scheduling, maybe the time between you and the other grandparents would be equal... and don't tell them at first that you where hurt maybe tell them indirectly or maybe ask them maybe if you could spend more time with your granddaughter because you miss her a lot.

sandi_feet,

Do a search on the net for grandparents rights. You can find other grandparents to talk to who have been through the same thing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by grandfather

sandi_feet,

Reject the load-of-crap advice heretofore given. Of course, none of us know all the particulars about your relationship with your daughter-in-law, but advice like "just enjoy them when they do come over. (At least they do see you).", and doing "what is in the children's best interests" is not only condescending but ignores your pain.

I do not know what kind of grandmother/mother-in-law you are, but I can tell you and anyone else who reads this that not every mother-in-law is the wicked witch of the west the world portrays. Do a Google search of mother-in-law/daughter-in-law problems and about all you find are a multitude of websites bent on showcasing how stupid, moronic, wicked, evil, disgusting, spawns-of-satan mothers-in-law are.

Yes, there are bad mothers-in-law. REALLY bad mothers-in-law. We get it already. There are tons of sites that denigrate mothers-in-law and psycho grandmothers. I am here defending the good ones.

My wife is a most wonderful wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother. We have many of the same issues with our daughter-in-law concerning our granddaughter that you do. There is NO reason whatsoever that we should get the shaft like we do, but it's a fact. We have to FIGHT for scraps of time for our granddaughter, and yes, it does hurt when the "other grandparents" get 95%+ of the time and we get next to nothing. We have tried to have a great relationship with our daughter-in-law well before our son's wife got pregnant, but there was never any real emotional attachment from her to us. She "tolerates" us but doesn't feel a real connection with us.

She is petty, accuses us of things we've never done or thought, and our son doesn't want to play either side, so he totally stays out of it and refuses to get involved. About the comment that you should do what's in the best interest of the child: how is it NOT in the best interest of the child for you to get more time and not merely leftover scraps? Unless you are a criminal, a drug dealer, an alcoholic, or some other moral degenerate who would be unfit to be with your own granddaughter, it would absolutely be in the child's best interest to be with you more than she probably is.

What the idiot daughters-in-law don't/won't understand is that most grandmothers (at least the decent ones) just want to love their grandchildren and spend time with them. Is that so terrible? If those same grandmothers did NOT want this, the same daughters-in-law would howl about how uncaring grandma is. Can't win for losing. And yes, I understand how a woman would be more apt to go to her own mother for comfort, as one poster says, but what has that got to do with you being able to spend time with your own granddaughter? I don't recall you being hurt because your DIL doesn't come to you for comfort.


I am sorry I have no real advice for you in all this, except first, don't take anyone's stupid advice amounting to "shut up and be grateful for what you've got", and second, I CAN say that you shouldn't give up hope. Make sure your granddaughter gets to know you. Spend whatever time you can with her. As for me, when my own granddaughter asks me someday why can't she stay with us more, I'll tell her the truth.

---

To be quite honest this post scares me. I have a very loving and kind mother and father in law. In fact I call my father in law Dad, however we do not get along all the time. That is just the way it is. My husband's mom is jealous when he can't come over and see her when she calls, and will take it out on me. Although I do not believe it is intentional it still happens. No matter how great your relationship is with your in-laws there is going to be tension, I believe that it happens when two families come together. Case in point... blended families where step children are involved.

What scares me the most is that you say that you will tell your granddaughter the "truth" as too why she is not over to your house as often. Don't you see that it will backfire on you. Yes, you are the grandparent and yes you do have rights, however, the parents are the parents and they have the most control over who their child can see. I fear that doing this will make your daughter in law resent you, push your granddaughter further away, and place your son in the middle of a situation that he cannot win.

Tuscany,

Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.

I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.

Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.

Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.

And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!

Your feelings are certainly understandable. Being left out or treated unfairly is very painful. I cannot fathom how adult children who have been given so much love by kind parents can fail to see the hurtfulness of their behavior. Perhaps keeping a journal might help. It seems as though the Dr. Phil, 'talk it out and make it better' style does not always work. Adult children do not always want to listen, remain defensive and indifferent despite our best efforts. Please keep us posted as to how your situation improves and know that others are experiencing the similar strife. You are not alone.

You are asking how to deal with the feelings, which you want to get rid, right? How about thinking of something distracting, but challenging: what can occupy your mind? Think of your habits, interests, capacities, what you always wanted to do but postponed. I am saying that by finding a new activity you will kill two rabits: to forget your sad feelings and to attract your granddaughter with it. Kids of 19 year old are pretty busy people with their young dreams and interests. If you can find something that she too be involved in her soul?

Right-on!

Good morning.

I have so much to say with regard to g-parenting in this day and age; feeling like sandi, a second class citizen and only called upon when so and so needs jeans, sleepers; always getting the left overs regarding visitation and of course, forgettabout holidays. I have been dealing with an extremely insecure dil for over 10 years who only participates in a relationship myself and my husband on an as-little-as possible basis, unless of course she needs something monetarily or materially.

I have attempted to have one-on-one's with her; I have attempted to discuss the problem with my son; all of which boil down to a huge waste of time.

I had such a remarkable relationship with my g-ma - - so perhaps my expectations are unreasonable; however, I also tend to take more than my share of responsibility in a relationship that has gone sour. I'm working on that.

When I read some of these posts, sandi, it troubles me as the criticism seems to be directed toward only the mom in law. No one is perfect; however, and I can only speak from my experience in life, but what I have noticed is 30 something's seem to know absolutely everything about everything - - from parenting [gosh, I can't even imagined how I could have raised children w/out electric bottle warmers and warmed diaper wipes and intercoms etc, etc] But I did raise children. I was a good mom who encouraged self esteem and open mindedness. And now, when I am the brunt of my son and his wife's inconsiderate, rude and disrespectful behavior, I can't help but wonder what in the world did I do wrong?

Ah, but bottom line is, I do not live for my children or my g-children. This is my life. I have choices. I cannot control what my son or his wife do or say or think. I must not waste a precious moment - - at least I try not to, sometimes not very successfully - - on negativity and anger and hurt feelings. I must rise up and embrace all the beauty this world has to offer me.

So, you are not alone Sandi. And those of you so critical, let's talk again in 20 years when your children are parents - - perhaps you'll reflect on this differently.

What about a compromise? You say that you like your daughter-in-law's parents. What about spending some time with the baby when she's with the other side of the family? I mean, we are talking about a 19-month-old. Having some more people around to play with and help keep an eye on her is surely a good thing.

Plus, it sounds like DIL has a lot more people on her side of the family that want to spend time with the baby. After all the aunts, uncles, and cousins have their turn with the baby, she may feel that she needs the time to be alone with her kid that you want to visit. Like it or not, in most families the wife is in charge of the social calendar, and it's probably easier for her to tell someone that hasn't been in her family all her life that they can't see the kid than it is to tell Aunt Suzy who was at all of her birthday parties. Especially if husband isn't sticking up for equal time for his side of the family.

I've slept, and my brain was apparently working on this overnight.

Here's some additional thoughts:

What sort of "special outings" are you planning? It might go over better if you offered to watch the baby for a few hours on a weeknight so that they can go out, for example, as opposed to "I'm planning to take the baby to zoo all day Saturday and have them stay overnight."

Are you really getting any less time with the baby than any single member of her family? Is this a matter of perception. Example: If there are ten people on her side of the family, and you on yours, and each of you gets to see the baby for an hour, her side of the family sees the baby ten times as much as you do, but her mom is probably muttering that she doesn't get to spend enough time with the baby herself. DIL may see what she's doing as being equitable to individuals, while you see it as favoring her side.

Is there something about the plans that you make, or where you live, that the DIL is uncomfortable with? Does she feel that they are inappropriate for her child? Do you live in a bad neighborhood, on a busy street, etc? Do you and your husband have a more heated way of interacting than she is used to? I dated a guy once where the family, as a matter of course, was always yelling and shouting, while I came from a very restrained, quiet family.

Anyway, think on those for a bit and see if any of them apply. If so, you know what you can do to either alter or accept the situation.

Is there anything in the way you behave which may be putting you DIL off? For example, do you make mention of better ways she could do this or that, or save time here or there? A lot of grandma's want to be helpful, but often it feels like criticism to the mom. Her brief encounters with you could be to avoid feeling like she is inadequate. Perhaps you could be the first to make holiday plans with your son and DIL? Invite them over for a specific time. Volunteer to babysit your granddaughter, at their home. Tell them you'd like to give them a few hours to go to dinner and a movie, or whatever they would like to do. Your DIL would probably feel more comfortable thinking of her little girl being safe and comfy in her own home. Just be sure to follow whatever rules or guidelines they have for her so that you will be invited back again. How was your relationship with your DIL before she had the baby? Did you spend much time together? How about your son?

I know you say you don't feel comfortable talking to your DIL, but I think you really need to. You need to make her aware that you love your granddaughter and feel you don't have much of an opportunity to spend time with her.

I have a similar problem. My son and DIL live about 10 hours from my husband and me. Her parents live about two miles from us. I have a three-month-old granddaughter. My DIL comes to visit every few weeks and does not think that it is a problem that she will not notify us to let us know that she is in town with our only grandchild. My son now knows that he has to notify us, but he tells me that if we want to see our granddaughter we are to visit her parents to do so. Her parents have made every attempt to let us know that we are not liked or welcome in their home. They pretend to be polite but then we hear the things they say about us behind our backs. She is coming this weekend and will be here for 11 days. We were told that we could go and visit for a little while on Saturday and that is all. My DIL will not bring the child here or to any other of the relatives' homes. My mother is not in good health and cannot climb the stairs to see the baby and they don't care. It has been a very difficult year for us. My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer, my husband had heart surgery around the same time, and my mother is in and out of the hospital. During all this we can be grateful that our granddaughter is healthy and has great parents but we are not being allowed to be her grandparents. My heart is broken.

I have read these posts and think you should not make your son take sides, it isn't fair. I like the idea of talking to them together and asking them if there is a problem and make it very clear you do not want to start a problem, you just want more time with the baby. Tell them that you feel a little blown off and see what they say. Maybe they have concerns themselves. You just never know, let them talk it through with you. You sound like you will be a great grandparent. And if all else fails, take what you can get without starting a big ordeal. Starting a big ordeal will just make everyone feel uncomfortable and you will most likely see them less. I know that there are problems with my in laws and my own parents, hurt feeling and such, one is closer to us than the other so it really makes it hard. I do the best I can with my situation and sometimes we just don't get what we really want, even if it is a great want. Good luck & go talk to them together.

I agree with you about not making my son take sides. Believe me, I know which side he would take. I have tried to be positive with my DIL and son and told them what great parents they are and will be as their daughter gets older. My gripe is that my granddaughter lives 10 hours drive from me. If she is brought to the town that I live in, I would appreciate access to her, not the fact that they are here hidden from me and my husband. Believe me, one of my most painful moments was walking into church one day and there was my DIL with her mother passing the baby around and I was not even aware that they were here. It made me think that there was something wrong with us that we should not be allowed to hold our granddaughter and it was okay for perfect strangers to hold her! I would only and have kept my children away from family that I felt would harm them in some way, which is what makes it so tough for me that we are being kept from our granddaughter.

My son has told me that my DIL is here visiting HER parents and not me and that I should not expect to see them. He is the one that works and has limited vacation time while my DIL has unlimited time to visit with her family. He tells me that when he comes to visit, then it will be my "turn" to see my grandchild. I try to be as reasonable as I can and not allow him to see the pain that this causes. I would never and have never expected them to keep the grandbaby from the other family, or even them which is another story. How selfish is that? I was raised in a very large family and sharing babies was common in my family. I don't want to see my grandchildren raised in such a way that they think they are only allowed a certain amount of love to spread around and the more people that they love, the more they have to divide what they are given thus having less to give. That is what I am witnessing first-hand with my DIL's family. My belief is that the more you love, the larger your heart gets.

The great thing that I have found about these posts is the fact that I know I am not alone and that this is a common problem and this helps me cope. However, at the same time it saddens me that people have to go through this at all.

I feel for you. This is a sad situation. I really hope you are able to talk to them, but remember, you can always go the legal route to be granted time with your grandchild. I know you don't want to cause more problems (which that surely would) but if you really want to see her and continue asking and being denied, you might have to resort to that.

I agree totally with Tuscany: We have a similar situation we treated our DIL like a princess and she is so fast to turn on us when she wants something. She is just a StepMom to our GrandChild and she seems to think her parents come before us when it comes to Our GrandChild's B'Day's, Christmas etc. Totally unaccepted to me & my husband and our youngest son who is the uncle to the Grand Child. Crossing the line if you ask me. The Child has a Mother. We are proud that she can have a "Best Friend" when it comes to our GrandChild but not a Mother.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by grandfather

Tuscany,

Sorry my post scares you, but it's obvious that you cannot possibly relate to situations like those of us who are a generation older than you have to endure.

I am sorry your mother-in-law takes it out on you when she can't come over.

Believe me, I know all about extended families, tension, the need to give-and-take, and all that jazz. I do not expect the Normal Rockwell family, but I do dang well expect more than we get sometimes.

Your comment also assumes that our DIL doesn't resent us already. Well, she does, in detail I will not elaborate on here. What I know that you do not know is that my grandchild will be told that we don't care, don't want to see her. That will not go unchallenged. I will not have her believe a lie about her paternal grandparents who simply want the paranoid DIL to lighten up and not require supervised visits when there is absolutely no reason for it. No, there's no mental illness... just manipulation on her part.

And yes, I am well aware that our children have the right to do what they want with their own children. I had some of my own, obviously, and I know where they are coming from. But, like I said in my last post, someday they will probably be grandparents and I only hope they have children-in-law exactly like we have!

---

I have thought about the legal route, but I am not going to do that. It would be too hard on everyone involved. However, I have decided that I just need to change my expectations. I expected to be able to be a grandma to my grandchildren. I expected to have close relationships with them, my sons and their wives. I expected to have the same closeness with them that I have with others in my family. Now, I am in the process of changing my expectations. That way, if I get those things that I hoped for, it will be an added blessing! If not, hopefully it will not hurt so much.

I hope your daughter in law never has a son... we've had to stay very proactive for every moment we get, and the minute we let up, we're just out of the picture. Its very disheartening, and its just the way it is. It also has to do with the nature of the daughter in law. One of ours is very spoiled, and as long as she can just think about herself, she's fine. So if we back off, and don't try to see the grandchild, she's not going to worry about it. The other daughter in law has shown a lot more maturity in that area, so we really try not to abuse it and really appreciate her concern. Why is it that the parents of the girl always seem to act like they 'own' the grandchild. I've seen it time and time again. Pretty much anyone you talk to that has a married son is in the same boat. We just pray a lot, and try not to think about it too much

Katie Ann,
I love the way you think! I have often wanted to go to my DIL's mother and say, "I hope you get a DIL just like mine" and smile sweetly. However, I can't do that. I have two other sons and hopefully they will have wives that love us and want to include us. I will think about what you said if that time ever comes and try not to take advantage of the situation. In the meantime, I will continue to insist in the nicest way possible that I see my granddaughter. When I first posted, she was coming to visit for 11 days. Those 11 days are over now and we got to see our granddaughter twice for about 45 minutes each time. Both times I had to 'nicely' insist that she meet us for lunch so we could see the baby. It was very sweet to be able to hold her and see her sweet smile. When I get resentful about only seeing her twice, I have to remind myself that is 200% better than the previous time she visited when we did not see her at all! When I talk with other young mothers, I always remind them to include the father's parents in the grandparenting if that is what the grandparents want. I allow them to see a bit of my hurt so that they can take that into consideration if they are considering acting in the same thoughtless way my DIL acts.

I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by froggy7

I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.

---

Froggy7 I 100% agree! I'm dealing with a MIL that thinks that she's allowed to do whatever she wants whenever she wants because they are "her grandbabies." She somehow believes that it's all about her and that we need to cater to that. I have news, it is not all about her. I see the main issue as she not having hobbies and interests of her own and putting way too much pressure on us to use her grandchildren to fufull her emptiness. A word to the GPs-This is a two income world, things are not as they used to be and the more pressure they feel and stress you add to their lives (and I know in our situation it is this way) the more they will in turn avoid you. The best thing you can do is not show your hurt feelings, bolster them and tell them what a great job they do and make them feel good about their abilities and BACK OFF! I know anyone who is pushy with me I pull away... people who are laid back I ask them for their help and feel comfortable with them hearing me and my wishes as a parent. They are telling you something when they don't offer up time... the more you push the more they will feel as though you don't hear them and don't respect their wishes as parents. It may take some time but backing off will cause them to pursue you and offer time. But you need to wait it out in the wings without a timeline.

Don't worry about what they do with her family or others. Just worry about yourself. Ask your daughter-in-law politely. I really miss "insert name", could I arrange to spend more time with her? I'd like to help you (daughter-in-law), perhaps when you get your hair cut or have a dr.'s appt or when you and "son" go on a date. Just hold tight and be available and always offer. As the child gets older, she'll request to spend more time with you.

My mother-in-law rarely asks to spend time with my son. But now that he's 4, he says, I don't want to stay with my other grandmother... I want to see grandma (my mother-in-law). So, in due time, your granddaughter will likely request the visits and you'll get more time.

What grandparents don't realize is that with working parents, we too, feel like we don't get enough time with our child. So, keep that in mind, too.


Just set your intentions for positive time with your granddaughter and intend for it to happen. Try to remain open minded and put yourself in the mom's shoes sometimes, too.

Good luck! Your granddaughter is lucky to have you!

There may be no answer it seems - I have almost the identical problem - and my husband and myself have agonized how to "fix" the situation. We tried to talk to our son but he said there was no problem - we just were looking too hard. We are tollerated by his wife -she will not visit nor bring our 2 precious granddaughters to visit. It's only when she's working on weekends that my son can allow us time to see the girls. We've done all we know how to do but there is nothing that seems to make a difference. She has a mother and father and she doesn't see the need for us - which is 98% of the time. I offer to babysit - she doesn't need it - her mother and family always; we offer to take them out - there's always something else she has planned. I've been so hurt that it's gotten on my last nerve - to the point I've spoken with my MD about prescriptive medication to numb the pain. And that's sad - I don't need meds - I just need to feel the family that I once enjoyed throughout my life. We were a close family and until this marriage 9 years ago things were normal. This is not normal.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandi_feet

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

---

I am a mom to 2 year old girls and I feel sometimes as though my mother in law gets upset because I want leave my girls with her I have only left my girls in emergencys with my mom because they see her more I don't mind the girls spending time with her as long as I can be there my girls were born very premature and I am a very picky mom so good luck maybe you should try telling her how you feel

I'm responding to those of you who are grandparents but are not given the opportunity to spend quality time with their grandchildren. Two years ago my granddaughter was born into our wonderful family. She is such a blessing to us! My son and daughter-in-law are terrific parents! I struggle greatly with the fact that in the past two years I have not been given the opportunity to have quality time with my granddaughter, though I have offered to baby-sit if they needed to run to the store, get things done or go out for an evening. I know and understand the close relationship between mothers and daughters and know that it is normal for my daughter-in-law to want her mother to be primary in having my granddaughter, but I am so hurt that not even once have they given me time with her. We (my two sons and their wives and my granddaughter) have family night here at my home. After dinner my granddaughter and I have fun together for a few hours but an hour or two goes very quickly and I feel like my daughter-in-law is observing everything I do. After much prayer for God's direction, I asked my son and daughter-in-law if we could talk. My son allowed his wife to present her thoughts which were those of insecurity for anyone else watching my granddaughter except her mother. I am 59 and her parents are late 40's. I am not a competitive person and do not want to be a wedge between my son and his wife. Does this mean acceptance is the only answer? I cannot tell you how painful this is to have never bonded with this wonderful baby. I feel grandparents are an essential part of the family unit. I long to talk with her and walk in the flower gardens, looking at butterflies, birds and making blanket tents and dressing up our kitties in doll clothes. Kids do not need a lot of “things” to make them well rounded but unconditional love and attention is the glue that holds families together. I see many young families trying so hard to entertain their little ones 24/7 and they are worn out and weary. There isn't enough time to stop and smell the roses and that is where grandparents can step in. Thanks for listening all of you grandparents that feel my pain.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandi_feet

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

---

You posted in December 2006. Are you still out there?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rejectedmotherinlaw

you posted in december 2006. are you still out there?

---

Hi.. I just read this whole string of postings.. I am also in a similar situation.. But the difference is that my DIL does Not have a great relationship with her mother and family.. In fact her greatest desire is to have a good relationship with her mom!

So, as a result she feels disloyal to them if she has a nice relationship with me... It's all very mixed up. I live 20 minutes away from them but basically have been told to stay away and not call unless they call me. So, I see my grandson about once every few weeks for an hour or 2 ( generally at other family functions).

My son is stuck in the middle which I hate.. I don't want him to know how bad I feel but it affects everything I do. I can't sleep and think about the unfairness of it all the time. When they were first dating, she called me all the time and used me as a confidante.. but now - nothing. I am so disappointed! This isn't what I expected. I have other grandchildren living in another state so rarely get to see them (but am not treated to badly).

I know that having a discussion with my son and DIL is useless..

This is n old thread, however one of absolute prevalence. My mother used to say a daughter is a daughter all of her life, while a son is a son until he takes a wife.
I would like to have a good relationship with my daughter in law, yet am held at bay on every score. I feel like I must "walk on eggs" around her. I had a wonderful relationahip with my mother and grandmother and hoped to have the same. I have been married twice, once when I was much younger for 7 years and most recently 27 years. I still feel kindly towards my first mother in law. My daughter in law is on a mission to exclude us our first grandchild is due shortly and we hare beyond excited naturally. I offered to buy them all their furniture and we went out to dinner one night to pick it out. I asked her mother to accompany us, to set a precedence for how exciting this is for us all. Her mother declined. Nathless the furniture was chosen and brought home. While we were there she mentioned a particular theme she was considering for the baby's room. She had mentioned a particular theme she was looking for and I told her I had seen the very one online, but it was also available at Burlington coat factory. We looked while we were there but didn't see it. The next few days were busy, but I emailed her and told her I found the bedding at a different store, cheaper and with free shipping. She was excited and cancelled the one she ordered and saved 50.00 with the find. It was supposed to be delivered on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went, no mention of the bedding. I emaled her and asked if it had come in, and she said it had but she forgot to tell me. I said that I was thrilled and was it Nathless she had hopped in person? She said it was, and I said I couldn't wait to see it. She informed me I couldn't see it. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. The next few days, I ran into my son and he asked me how I liked the baby bedding. I hesitated, but told him I hadn't seen it. He said well, come over and see it. I hated to tell him, but mentioned she didn't want me to see it. He said that was crazy, as she had shown it to her mother. We were set to go out to eat and the three of us were in the car and he casually mentioned "Did you show my mom the baby blankets? She said no, I'm planning to wait until the room is set up. My son said, your mother saw the stuff, and she said well I really want to wait. I smoothed it over by saying to him, she just wants to give me the full effect. In my heart, I know she is just being childish and controlling. Was it such a big deal to show me the blanket? When she found out she was pregnant, her mother screamed and gave her a lecture. Now they are young, but married. I went by and bought them a beautiful "Congratulation card" and brought her some of her favorite body lotion. I told her to pamper herself. I always try to do little things for her, so I just don't understand why she feels the need to put up such walls. They live 5 minutes from me, and I go by maybe 1-2 month when we have plans. It's not like I'm knocking on the door every day. I don't understand the insecurity. I'm not on earth to take over, I just want to co exist in their lives.
I hope your situation is better, because I can see mine is going to be trying. I probably won't be able to see the baby at all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sandi_feet

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

---

Hey... why not ask for a specific time each week to be with her? Or every other week? They might love a built in evening free... make it really positive. Put your own hurt aside for the overall good and perhaps someday in the future they'll like spending more and more time at your home. Just be as hospitable as you can and don't expect anything in return. God bless!

MY situation is still the same.. I am asked to babysit about once every other week.. And I do see them at other family functions.. I try hard not to be intrusive and stay away from the darling baby as much as I can bear it on those occasions. I don't want to burden my son.. he knows it all but can't change his wife.. (he is fighting to stay in the marriage so he doesn't lose the baby).. It's really hurtful to be kept out of enjoying the baby but maybe in time things will change.. Maybe as she matures, she will become a kinder person?

That would be something to look forward to if as she matures, she would be a kinder person. The MIL get a bad rap... seldom do you hear about a manipulative DIL. Mine is very insecure, and manipulative. The last thing I want is to put my son in the middle.
I hope mine gets kinder as she matures... One can hope

I feel your pain. We have the same problems you described with additional concerns. My son and daughter-in-law had dated only months when she got pregnant-her second-at 18. We had the initial shocks; etc. but paid a great part of the wedding and welcomed her into her home. They lived here a short time before going to college. She did nothing even when asked to. We help with bills and rent, but are not overly generous. The baby is now 4 months and my daughter-in-law is just beginning a part time job. She shows us no respect yet expects apologies from us for no reason or any reason. She also uses the baby to get what she wants. She lies continuously. My son works and goes to school. He is caught in the middle and is not sure of anything any more. I have even been told by her that I am "f....ing rude" when I disagree with something. Her mother actually calls me and tells me who I can and cannot invite to functions at my home... I've tried discussing issues, but that is a joke. She doesn't want to be brought into "my stuff". Hope this makes you feel better!

Both our problems are that our daughter's in laws are very young. They think they know if all... Too bad. My DIL controls everything, and I know when the baby comes my life is going to be hell. Of course I am excited about the baby, as well I should for my first grandchild. I have gone out of my way to include her and make her feel a welcome part of the family. She just wants to exclude me on every score. I bought all the baby furniture, yet can't see it set up. What a joke. I would think she would want to share in the excitement. Casual friends at her work get treated better. She mentioned in passing she had invited someone at work to be the baby's Godmother. Unbelieveable. The woman delined saying it was a conflict of interest since she was her boss.

My mom is very sensative about her time with my 3 kids. Especially now with my 6week old daughter(first grandaughter). Everybody asks to take my oldest son everywhere. He is 6 turning 7 but going on 37. Anyway she would plan special things and I wouldn't realize it and makes plans for him to go with my brother. She was very hurt even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.

So what I decided to do was give her a day. One day a week that was hers. If she was going to make plans to make it on that day and I would not schedule any one else on that day. My boys stay the night and she will take them to school the next day. She gets her time and I don't have to get up early to take them to school.

Now you don't have to ask for a whole day if you think your daughter in law won't be willing but maybe just bring it up lightly to them both. Ask if there is a day of the week that they need a babysitter so they can run errands or go out to dinner together. So that it seems like a favor to them. That way they will think " hey we could have a date night once a week". You won't seem needy, you will seem helpful. You can look forward to that day once a week and if you don't get to see her as much on holidays it won't be that big of a deal because you will have seen her more often. Let me know if this helps.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your grandchild. You just have to go about it in the right way :) I really do want to know if this helps you