My daughter is 6 years old and just told me that my 16 year old nephew has been playing touching games with her. My sister and I are really close and her kids are like my daughter's older brothers. I would have never suspected that this was going on and I am always on the watch for suspicious behavior. My grandfather molested me and my sister, so we both know what it is like. Thankfully I have had had numerous talks with her about inappropriate touching and she felt she could tell me. I told my sister what had happened and she is in shock as well. My daughter has started counseling and my nephew should be starting counseling soon.

Am I doing the right thing by not reporting this? Since he is a minor, what would happen to him? Would he be a reported sex offender? We had decided that we would not report it and deal with this by each of them getting counseling and never being around each other again, obviously. My main priority is what is best for my daughter, but I also love my sister and want to have the best possible outcome overall.

I feel like you're probably doing the right thing by getting your daughter counseling, and your nephew, but he is 16, and he KNOWS this is wrong. In my opinion, this should be reported.
I think you should have a serious discussion with your sister, even if he is going to counseling, you can't be sure if he will repeat the offense again, especially not until after it happens if it does.
I was molested when I was 6, I though tit was my fault, it was by my baby-sitter's 16 year old, oldest son, sometimes I still get flashbacks and I wonder what would have happened if I had told my parents sooner than 3 years ago, and I wonder if he's hurting other girls as well.

Be careful, I know you love your daughter, but you never know who else could be hurt because of this.

I hope that whatever you decide keeps him from doing it to ANYONE ever again.

Yes, he is a pediphile and he is a sex offender. Depending on the state you live in ( if in the US) and that courts view point, yes he would be a sexual offender and may have to be reported as such.

While it is hard to report, what if you don't, so there is no record and he latter does the same thing to 3 or 4 other young girls somewhere because he could get in that position since he was never reported

In many places, you have a legal obligation to report a sexual offense. I don't know where you live, but you may want to make a call to the local child protection agency, and ask what your responsibilities are in that regard.

There is no question in my mind, that regardless of how or who he is related to, that he needs to be reported, right away.

You say your nephew 'should be starting counselling soon', does not cut it. Counselling should be mandatory, and not left to the decision of his mother. She may also know that if she takes him for counselling, any counsellor/doctor/psychiatrist has a legal obligation to also report abuse.

There is no way around this.

To ensure the safety of other children, and support your daughter, he needs to face the consequences of his actions, and be ordered to counselling.

I doubt that your sister would want you to, or appreciate you calling the authorities, however, that's really tough luck.

Related or not, she has to step up, accept that there will be consequences to her son's actions, and comply with how the court will ultimately decide his immediate future.

Please do the right thing.

Why don't you ask the counselor what they think?

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure, it may depend on the outcome of the counseling - particularly for him.

I agree with ohsohappy that at 16 your nephew would be well aware that what he's doing in wrong, and your daughter is a LOT younger than him.

It may be a one-off and he might be horrified by what he's done, or it could be something that is more embedded in his psyche. Counseling may make it all clearer.

Those are my thoughts as well. My sister is afraid that if it is reported that he will never recover from it and be able to live a normal life. She seems to think that it was curiosity and hormones leading to a horrible mistake on his part. I guess that's possible but who really knows. If I report him, it will basically end my relationship with my sister. But I want justice for my daughter.

There is nothing simple with a sixteen year old young man, sexually molesting a six year old girl. Let's not minimize this by thinking curiosity and hormones have caused this horrible mistake.

This isn't about 'justice' as much as it is about doing the right thing. 30 years ago we did not have the expertise that we now have available to treat young offenders with sexual deviation. There is hope for him, but there is NO hope for him, if his mother chooses the least likely path of rehabilitation.

You are doing him no favours in not reporting this. You know your sister better than I do, and she knows, or should know, that there is something terribly wrong with this young man. She wishes to protect him, and you are letting her, by not reporting him.

I am unusually angry that this would be a question at all. Nothing about this should be left to chance and misguided justifications.

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Originally Posted by jensmith

Those are my thoughts as well. My sister is afraid that if it is reported that he will never recover from it and be able to live a normal life. She seems to think that it was curiosity and hormones leading to a horrible mistake on his part. I guess that's possible but who really knows. If I report him, it will basically end my relationship with my sister. But I want justice for my daughter.

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You need to have a serious conversation with your sister regarding her son. The number one thing is that her son is NOT allowed around your daughter, especially unsupervized. Your sister needs to face the facts, he son molested her niece. It's harsh to say, but it's true, and your daughter will think that nobody cared anough to do anything about it.
At this point, it's not about your relationship with your sister, it's about protecting your daughter and keeping a relationship with her.
Your sister is important to you, and you are important to her, but as Jake2008 said, if he admits this to a therapist then he will still be reported, and your sister might also go under investigation to see what might be causing him to be have this way if she doesn't report it. Explain these things to her, and then report the abuse. You could br protecting many other little girls in the future if you do so now.

My daughters counselor does not feel the need to report since all parties know, she is not in danger anymore and he is getting help. MY counselor feels I should call the police. I had a talk with my sister letting her know that she has to get him in counseling now, not when she feels like it. It was a very heated and emotional conversation, letting her know that the only reason I haven't reported it yet was because of her. She knows she gets him an appointment asap or I will force her hand. My hope is that his counselor will report or I may even ask my daughters counselor to report it so that it is done. I know that's the easy way out. If not, I will probably end up reporting it.

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Originally Posted by jensmith

My daughters counselor does not feel the need to report since all parties know, she is not in danger anymore and he is getting help. MY counselor feels I should call the police. I had a talk with my sister letting her know that she has to get him in counseling now, not when she feels like it. It was a very heated and emotional conversation, letting her know that the only reason I haven't reported it yet was because of her. She knows she gets him an appointment asap or I will force her hand. My hope is that his counselor will report or I may even ask my daughters counselor to report it so that it is done. I know that's the easy way out. If not, I will probably end up reporting it.

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Doesn't matter WHO reports it necessarily, just that it gets reported. Tell your daughter's therapist to call if it's too hard for you. Either way, it needs to be done.

First of all, my daughter will NOT be around him ever again. Second, this JUST HAPPENED this week. It's not as if this happened a month ago and I'm just letting it go as if nothing has happened. I posted because I am working through this and thought your comments would be helpful. My daughter comes before anything else, including my sister, and it angers ME that JAKE2008 is quick to judge when this she is not in my shoes. I am not leaving anything to chance and I am not minimizing this. Thanks to those of you who gave helpful comments.

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Originally Posted by jensmith

My daughters counselor does not feel the need to report since all parties know, she is not in danger anymore and he is getting help. MY counselor feels I should call the police. I had a talk with my sister letting her know that she has to get him in counseling now, not when she feels like it. It was a very heated and emotional conversation, letting her know that the only reason I haven't reported it yet was because of her. She knows she gets him an appointment asap or I will force her hand. My hope is that his counselor will report or I may even ask my daughters counselor to report it so that it is done. I know that's the easy way out. If not, I will probably end up reporting it.

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Listen to your counselor. They know the circumstances and will have experience in dealing with such situations.

I don't know what the consequences will be, but you can guarantee that making it official will scare the bejesus out of him.

After reading the other posts, I do think that it is the best thing.

Raging hormones are not an excuse!

I do sympathize- with the victim.

I am not saying that you are not doing the right things, with counselling for your daughter.

All I am saying is that to allow your sister to dictate whether her son will get appropriate, long-term help, and/or consequences for his actions should NOT be negotiated.

There is no worse crime then a crime committed against a child. That's why laws are enforced, and appropriate action is taken against the perpetrator. It is beyond what his mother can do.

The ONLY person I am judging is the one who sexually molested a six year old. I don't know anybody in this mess personally, you should not take offense to anything I say, this is not directed at you personally. My sentiments are squarely on the shoulders of the 16 year old.

I applaud you for taking the right steps for yourself and your daughter, and I do not envy you the position you have been put in with your sister, because of the actions of her son.

All I'm saying is he needs to be reported, immediately. There needs to be police statements, and an investigation into this young man's behaviour. It's called consequence, and in addition to any counselling he may receive.

I hope you do take charge. I really could care less that you think I am "too quick to judge". Somebody, anybody, please report this offender.

I have to concur. If there's anything we know more assuredly than we did 30 years ago is that sexually-motivated deviant behavior has the #1 highest recurrence rate.

What you're doing with/for your daughter is awesome. Keep doing that.

Now, protect my daughter and my grandkids and my great-grandkids, too... make sure the authorities know about him and take on the job of watching him. He will need it for the rest of his life.

For the sake of all the kids, never leave the 'reporting' part to chance.

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Originally Posted by jensmith

First of all, my daughter will NOT be around him ever again. Second, this JUST HAPPENED this week. It's not as if this happened a month ago and I'm just letting it go as if nothing has happened. I posted because I am working through this and thought your comments would be helpful. My daughter comes before anything else, including my sister, and it angers ME that JAKE2008 is quick to judge when this she is not in my shoes. I am not leaving anything to chance and I am not minimizing this. Thanks to those of you who gave helpful comments.

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We can only go off what you tell us, we have no way of knowing the time if you do not specify.
We do not know you, or your daughter, but we are concerned for your family, genuinely. You're stuck between a rock and hard place, and we can sympathize with it, we're also trying to look at this objectively as what would be best for, not only your daughter, but other people, your nephew, and the rest of your family. This can't be easy for ANY of you.

Really, we're concerned and trying to assure you to do the right thing, I read Jake's post, and yes, it was a little blunt, but she's only trying to help, not judge you. She was going off what youv'e told her, and she was straightforward, but she was also reinforcing the fact that SOMETHING has to be done. None of us had any way of knowing how long ago it happened until you said so.
I know you probably feel the need to get defensive, but honestly, no one here was attacking you, just being straight about what you need to do, in their own way.

Just make sure you do the right thing, that's the most important thing.

Well wishes for your family.

If the love between you and your sister is so great this is how I see it.

She loves you and your daughter is an extension of you. She wants the best outcome for your daughter as do you.
You love your sister and her son is an extension of her. He needs help, you already see it, tell someone out of love.

Some times when we love someone we are afraid to say the wrong thing and hurt them or the relationship. We hold back the truth and it is selfish and self serving. We don't want to come out with less.

If you tell the truth you may loose a relationship but that is love. Unselfish and sacrificing. Don't be selfish with your decisions. Someone doing something that felt good is how this all started. Isn't it?

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Originally Posted by jensmith

First of all, my daughter will NOT be around him ever again. Second, this JUST HAPPENED this week. It's not as if this happened a month ago and I'm just letting it go as if nothing has happened. I posted because I am working through this and thought your comments would be helpful. My daughter comes before anything else, including my sister, and it angers ME that JAKE2008 is quick to judge when this she is not in my shoes. I am not leaving anything to chance and I am not minimizing this. Thanks to those of you who gave helpful comments.

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There is no way you know when this behavior started.

This may be just the first time he has been caught.

And may not be the last time he offends.

Unless it is reported and he is held accountable, diagnosed, get professional counseling and/or therapy.

The fear is for the unknowns and future girls at risk.


It is an extremely hard thing to do but it is the right thing to do.

The answers seem harsh , but this is a harsh situation.

And the truth is often harsh we have to accept that it is what it is.

Hey Jen,

This must be so hard. Humans are animals too. I think maybe because you and your sis were molested by your grandfather, and understand first hand how confusing it is to love someone and suffer by them as a result, that you can provide your nephew (whom you love so much and had no idea he could do this to your little girl) with some understanding/help.

This is a naïve response, and I have to agree that you should report it. What if the 16 yr old bagger at the grocery store did this to your baby? Would you discuss counselling? Sometimes we have to use our logical mind to balance out our good intentions, and do what is just. Do what will best protect other children, and him from himself. If he is pointed out for this now, he will not have to continue on this sick path.

"He who commits injustice is ever made more wretched than he who suffers it." - Plato

Good luck, my friend. You know in your heart what is right. And I hope your sis will understand. Maybe you can show her these posts to get some third party insight...

You guys realize that this post hasn't been posted on since December LAST YEAR right? Make sure you check dates on threads before you post on them.

Jensmith, if at all possible please get in contact with me. I need to ask you a question. It is urgent. On Facebook I am Jennifer Erasmus Porter.

Thank you