Ask Me Help Desk - 21 year old daughter, sleeping at boyfriends

21 year old daughter, sleeping at boyfriends

We support our 21 year old dght. In every way. She doesn't work. She is away at school. We pay her rent-food-tuition-books-spending money-clothes- etc.even car when she comes home from school for a few days to visit we look forward to seeing her.she is gone at college 5 to 8 weeks at a time but her boyfriend visits every weekend.when she came home she slept 2 nights home and 3 nights with her boyfriend.we think this is wrong.we wait to see her and once she gets money from us she leaves and is done with us.I told her she is a user and disrespectful.am I wrong to want to see my dght?

Why are you supporting her? It sounds like she has the world in the palm of her hand.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why are you supporting her? It sounds like she has the world in the palm of her hand.

She always says she's too busy with school but her 25year old boyfriend is there from fri. To sun. That's why I feel she should have spent time home this weekend with family

You are enabling her. When she comes home, she must live under your rules, period. If she doesn't like it, then she is free to get a job and support herself.

I took out a loan each year and was able to pay for half of tuition and room/board, plus paid for clothes, books, etc. by working at various jobs -- in the finance office, in food service, in area homes babysitting and housecleaning. She can do that too.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I took out a loan each year and was able to pay for half of tuition and room/board, plus paid for clothes, books, etc. by working at various jobs -- in the finance office, in food service, in area homes babysitting and housecleaning. She can do that too.

My boys work on campus, too. They have done phone calls, driving vans, tutoring, etc.

Yes I never paid more than 1/2.

So tell her no, she can not sleep at his house, Tell her that because you pay all the bills, you expect her to be there with you and visit.

Tell her perhaps the boyfriend, wants to start paying 1/2 of her bills ?

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Originally Posted by purple338

We support our 21 year old dght. In every way. She doesnt work. She is away at school. We pay her rent-food-tuition-books-spending money-cloths- etc.even car when she comes home from school for a few days to visit we look forward to seeing her.she is gone at college 5 to 8 weeks at a time but her boyfriend visits every weekend.when she came home she slept 2 nights home and 3 nights with her boyfriend.we think this is wrong.we wait to see her and once she gets money from us she leaves and is done with us.i told her she is a user and disrespectful.am i wrong to want to see my dght?

I don't think you're wrong to want to see your daughter.

I do think she's using you - she has the best of both worlds. No bills, all the time in the world and a great deal of disrespect toward her parents.

Wow, my daughter would love to have you as a parent!

She just left for college. She was required to get the necessary grants and even loans for her schooling. I covered, this semester, what she could not cover. She was required to get a job, keep her grades up, and pay me for her cell phone bill as well as her car insurance (her car is paid off).

I stock her up on groceries when she comes home for the weekend and fill her gas tank up before she goes back to school, but that is ALL she gets.

Why do I do this? So that she can learn the value of a dollar and be a responsible adult.

Guess what! She LOVES to come home on the weekend and spend "family time."

Thank you all for your support.she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age- meaning spending a couple nights at her boyfriends even though he sleeps in her college apt. 3 nights a week that we pay for. She makes me feel hovering.but I am not hovering in her eyes when she needs a haircut or everything else one needs from head to toe.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple338

Thank you all for your support.she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age- meaning spending a couple nights at her boyfriends even though he sleeps in her college apt. 3 nights a week that we pay for. She makes me feel hovering.but i am not hovering in her eyes when she needs a haircut or everything else one needs from head to toe.

As my mother used to say about me not doing anything different from what other kids my age were doing - "They aren't my daughter. You are."

If she's this irresponsible and casual I would begin preparing myself to next be a Grandmother.

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Originally Posted by purple338

she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age

That's the 10-year-old little girl talking with the whiny argument, "EVERYbody does it (or has one)! so me too."

It's time to draw some lines in the sand. (We'll help you!)

I need to learn how to provide tough love instead of money and materialistic items.I feel so used and betrayed.

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Originally Posted by purple338

I need to learn how to provide tough love instead of money and materialistic items.i feel so used and betrayed.

You have come to the right place! We will be glad to help you draw those lines in the sand.

My thinking is to stop enabling her with all the "stuff." BUT jerking the rug out from under her all at once will only fan the flames of anger, and I know you want to keep a good relationship with her. YET you do want to practice some tough love.

Has she ever had a job, even just part time?

Yes she had a few short term part time jobs.few weeks this past summer and in high school a small job in 10th grade. I told her to get a job last year and for this year and she said there are none. After this past weekends disaster I told her to get a job at school and she was like fine then my grades will suffer like she was threatening me that if she can't do both its my fault. I told her get a job on the weekend instead of spending it with your boyfriend.

So what is the first line in the sand you are going to draw? Stop paying for something she needs, such as a cell phone? (pre-paid, contract?)

Others here will chime in, so wait to read Judy's and J_9's and others' comments before you finalize your plan.

Thanks I am going to do that the phone is never out of her hand. Great idea she's not calling me anyway.

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Originally Posted by purple338

Yes she had a few short term part time jobs.few weeks this past summer and in high school a small job in 10th grade. I told her to get a job last year and for this year and she said there are none. After this past weekends disaster i told her to get a job at school and she was like fine then my grades will suffer like she was threatening me that if she can't do both its my fault. I told her get a job on the weekend instead of spending it with your boyfriend.

My concern is her level of entitlement and immaturity - her grades will suffer, it will all be your fault, but she thinks that makes her come out ahead.

Before you do anything, draw any lines, I would be 100% of your goal - spend more time with the family, spend less time with the boyfriend, begin to support herself. Once you pick a realistic goal then I think you'll have an idea how to proceed.

For example, you want her to stand on her own (financial) feet. No more buying clothes for her. Next step - she pays half of her cell phone bill. Next step - she pays half of her insurance... and so forth.

I do agree with Wondergirl - if you pull the rug out I'm not sure you won't be "guilted" into backing down (which could be a disaster) and you'll be met with great resistance.

I would make it less about seeing the family and more about standing on her own two feet.

What are your thoughts?

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine I will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple338

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine i will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

Of course there are jobs -- on campus, in restaurants, in libraries, in grocery stores, at drug stores.

"Everybody sleeps out" and "everybody does it" -- the old refrain used to scam one's parents.

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Originally Posted by purple338

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine i will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

How did you respond? She's playing passive/aggressive.

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her boyfriend is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

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Originally Posted by Maria1323

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her bf is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

She's NOT used to being on her own. Her parents pay for everything.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

She's NOT used to being on her own. Her parents pay for everything.

I mean she's used to being "alone". For a 21 year old, that's "on your own" lol.
She's used to staying up as late as she wants, she's used to not having to follow mom and dad's rules, and she's used to seeing her boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by Maria1323

I mean she's used to being "alone". For a 21 year old, that's "on your own" lol.
She's used to staying up as late as she wants, she's used to not having to follow mom and dad's rules, and she's used to seeing her boyfriend.

And thus, she needs to be in charge of her financial life too.

See that's what she tells me.she has a hard time coming home because she does what she wants at school.when she comes home yes she is expected to act like our dght. Not a college student.I also have a 17 year old dght. That my 21 year old is upsetting by all of this.my 21 year old states I am unreasonable.at home its attitude then back at school its tears.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple338

See thats what she tells me.she has a hard time coming home because she does what she wants at school.when she comes home yes she is expected to act like our dght. Not a college student.i also have a 17 year old dght. That my 21 year old is upsetting by all of this.my 21 year old states i am unreasonable.at home its attitude then back at school its tears.

I went to college and managed to be a daughter at home and a student at school. Of course, back then we didn't sleep with boyfriends.

Since she wants to be an independent adult and no longer a daughter, time for her to be totally responsible for herself.

She making me the bad guy saying you don't want me to be happy you want me to break up with him.I told her that's not true but he is 4 years older than you he is not a 21 year old student like you.trying to get through to a 21 year old is getting harder.

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Originally Posted by purple338

She making me the bad guy saying you dont want me to be happy you want me to break up with him.i told her thats not true but he is 4 years older than you he is not a 21 year old student like you.trying to get through to a 21 year old is getting harder.

And happy is what?

You are arguing each issue with us, instead of the big picture. You are half the problem (not meant to be critical, just an observation) by giving in to all her arguments. You also are getting sidetracked into the age of her boyfriend, and this is just going to go nowhere.

Make a list of what you spend on her in a given month. After giving a short lecture on how taking on financial responsibility is for her own good, go over the list with her and tell her to cut 20% a month for the next 3 months. Don't mention how much time she spends with her boyfriend, or any side topics. This is all about money and enabling and taking advantage and showing no appreciation.

The showing no of no respect I think is the bigger slap in the face.I just didn't sleep at my boyfriends house I had to wait to we were married because it was what my father said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple338

The showing no of no respect i think is the bigger slap in the face.i just didnt sleep at my boyfriends house i had to wait to we were married because it was what my father said.

Yes - didn't we all.

Sidetracking again. Sit her down and stay on the subject of financial responsibility and what is done under the roof YOU pay for. Try to keep the emotions about lack of respect out of it or you won't get anywhere. That has to happen as a result of what she learns she is expected to do. Be clear, be exact, and don't give in once you do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maria1323

I see how that's hard, but the thing is that she's used to being on her own now, so sleeping with her bf is totally normal.
Yelling at her or telling her she can't is going to make her distant, and she'll just go somewhere else to do it.

Where do you read that she's on her own?

EDIT: When you say "on her own," you don't think supporting herself is necessary.

And to the OP - I would stop arguing with her and defending yourself to her and/or us. These would be the new rules. Follow them or sink.

She continues to turn this passive/aggressive ("sigh, well, I guess you want me to break up with Bozo") and avoid the issues. And you are allowing it.

She's 21, let her be.

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Originally Posted by saltlifek

She's 21, let her be.

It's not that easy. Mother supports her financially in every way. Of course, if the young woman totally supported herself, I'd agree with you.

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Originally Posted by saltlifek

She's 21, let her be.

Does "let he be" mean to stop supporting her and let her sink or swim OR do nothing and live with things the way they are OR something else?

Colleges require the parents tax info. Each year for some financial aide.parents are responsible to do this until age 24.so this let it be isn't working for me. If the school wants my money then its my rules. Which includes good grades.I hope everyone giving advice has gone through this in some way.I mean with young adults and that you are mothers.its not easy.

They require you tax info, but they don't require that YOU pay the tuition. Yes, I'm going through that right now and my 18 year old daughter is paying her own way. I will only provide $2000 per semester and she knew this in advance of applying to a college where she could not stay at home.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. What are you willing to do? I hear a lot of excuses, a lot of wishy washy, coming from you. I'm betting your daughter knows this, and that's why she can push your buttons so easily.

She's 21, she's not 11. You are not responsible to support her anymore. She's an adult, and if she wants to live her own life, sleep with her boyfriend, and not obey rules at home, then she can be responsible for her own expenses, like every adult has to do.

She doesn't need a cell phone, that's a luxury, so turn the bill over to her. If she can't pay it, then that's on her. She doesn't need a car, she can take the bus, that's what unemployed people do. So stop paying for her car, let her get a job if she wants to keep it.

If she's not willing to follow the rules when you're supporting her, then let her make her own rules, but on your terms. You do not need to give her everything she wants. She's a spoiled little princess, and that's why she's acting this way. It's time to cut the apron strings and let princess figure out what the real world is all about.

First of all, I think you should stop being so generous. I don't really think you're "enabling" because what are you enabling her to do? NOT visit with you? She could decide she doesn't want to see you that much whether you pay her bills or not. Secondly, accept the fact that she doesn't want to see you as often as you want to see her. Just because you pay all her expenses doesn't mean you own her time. You can't buy love. She just is not at a place in her life right now where she needs you emotionally (obviously she needs your financial assistance). You should be happy about that. Life is good for her, she's happy and she doesn't need you to comfort her. Perhaps things won't be so easy if you stop footing the bill but I don't think you have a right to be upset that she's not head over heels for you JUST because you fund her entire life.
Think about it like this... a girl has a crush on a boy and offers to do his homework and his reports and for that he gets A's in his classes. She's expecting him to ask her to prom but he doesn't feel that way about her. Does she have a right to demand he take her? She was the one who let herself be used. You're the girl. You're being used but you can't make demands on your daughters time. Just cut her off, or cut back. She might go a long time without seeing you at all (after all, the 2 nights you do get from her might simply be out of obligation and guilt), but she won't feel like she owes you something.