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I am beside myself, my 16 year old son hit me. He almost has before but this time he did it. Then after was so sorry. I am sick of his disrespect, he just does whatever he wants no matter what I say. I know he needs help and I make appointments and he will not go. What should I do?
This is not as rare as you may think. There are several kinds of parent abuse - physical, psychological, and financial.
Here is an excellent article written on Parent Abuse - written to reflect laws in Canada, but the knowledge is solid.
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cniv...entabuse_e.pdf
Another excellent resource is from "Focus Adolescent Services" -
Teen Violence
There is a link in there that leads to each state. There is no law that says you cannot call 911. Your son would call 911 if you assaulted him. What is the difference? None, in terms of being assaulted and needing help.
You said you make appointments for him and he does not go. I would suggest then you get help for yourself. You cannot do for him what you cannot do for yourself. Often it is said that we can only change ourselves - so please find some way to get professional counseling for yourself. So that you can begin to understand what is going on inside yourself and how to take the steps necessary to ensure your well being.
Best of all possible to you and your son.
You call the police and have him treated as he is, a criminal.
Some time in Juv Hall or a boot camp at tax payers expense will do him some good.
A parent must never, ever allow a child to abuse them.
Yes calling the police is an option but how could I get my own child locked up? I am so torn. I am so worried that this is going to escalate. I refuse to let him do what he wants when he wants and how he wants and he just does not want to listen. I am a single mom, I have taken care of him by myself for most of his life and I don't understand how he does not appreciate anything I have done and continue to do. When I say that I have no idea what's going on I am not kidding. I am not unintelligent I work everyday and do the best that I can
If you do not make the call, there may come the day when you physcially cannot make the call. That is the honest truth. When you do not make the call, you are sending your son the message - loud and clear - that you are allowing him to hit on you. That it is okay, because there are no consequences.
Intervening now is a crucial key to him getting help while he still can benefit from it. And please, get some help for yourself. Don't be the enabling victim.
Better that you get him locked up as a wakeup call than I do when he strikes my girl. What lesson did he receive yesterday?That its OK to strike out in anger?Quote:
Originally Posted by cc1968
Can you honestly say that you would call the police on your own child, who in reality needs help, not jail. I asked this question because I do not understand WHY he does this. Maybe because his father was never really a father to him and he blames me.
My son is not a throw away person, oh just call the cops, its easy for you to say but could you actually do it? We live in a tough city, do you? Have you ever been a 16 year old boy who lives in a tough city and has to put on the façade of toughness just to walk down the street? Have you ever been in my shoes? No matter what he is my son and I will help him and take care of him no matter what - I brought him into this world he did not ask to be born and I have to take responsibility for him, no one else in this world does. I think that is why I am having such a hard time understanding why this is happening to us. We were always very close, he would tell me I'm sure "almost" everything. I let his friends come to my house and feed them and let them play the playstation so they do not have to be outside and letting God know what happen to them. I know that it sounds like I am picking up for him but I think I need to help him not get him in further trouble.
You know what I came here asking for advice, and this is what I get?? Where are you people from?? Hey Savage - and what do you think you would do to my son? Hit him - shows me by your attitude that you are no better. Right away police, police - You people definitely are not experts at this type of situation. TWO WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT. You want to attack my son when I am telling you that my boy is having trouble... As his Mother did you think that I would just let him get into an arms length of danger and everything else that comes with jail and such. This is not some street kid that has no one that cares about. Guess I'm the one who made the mistake by asking on here in the first place.
CC1968, even a street kid belonged to someone who cared at one point. My take is no kid is a bad kid, some just are behaving badly and choosing badly is all. And I think the point that Savage was trying to make was where this can very easily escalate to and how it gets suddenly very complicated because of how differently your son will be viewed by others than from how you view him. Please know that there is help out there for you and your son. It may take you calling the police, not to turn him in, heavens no, but to ask instead what can you do to prevent it all going there -- they may have some ideas? Or a counselor? Or your family doctor? Maybe its time for a physical check up, one that rules out drugs?Quote:
Originally Posted by cc1968
The point I would like to impress you with is what you've seen is likely the tip of the iceberg so please don't minimize it or stall acting on it. Your son's future is at stake here and you have a shot at doing something constructive about it. Make some calls now. Finding out the why's and how's of what has happened to him will come in time... once you have a solution in the mix.
Calling the police is the right way to get him the real help he needs, being behind bars for a while, to learn that you can not and do not hit and hurt people.
And calling the police on domestic violence is the right choice,
You are telling him by your inaction, hitting me is OK, and I won't do anything till you put me in the hospital and they have to report it.
You are being a BAD mother by not doing something.
You do not want to HEAR the real truth about what you NEED to do.
Time to teach this son some manners of respect, you have already let the disrespect and now the hitting go on to long. Call the police make a report of abuse and make sure you don't back down when it comes time to go to court. He needs a controlled environment to learn how to become a mature responsible adult and he needs it NOW. Fr_Chuck is right boot camp would be a great help in teaching him how to act.
Before you think I am just attacking your son, I am not doing that but trying to help both you and him.
And before you jump on me, I spent years working with teens, have worked with teen boot camps and with the correctional system in several states. Along with homeless and gang and "street" people.
And to be honest even some of the worst gang members would never hit their mother, they even have that much respect, they may kill you for disrespecting their mother.
The issue is respect for you and for hisself, and the fact that somewhere he has a anger issue.
We are trying to help you, and often TOUGH love is the very best love you can have.
CC this might help you out,I raised to sons now grown adults on my own. My oldest was not exactly a little angel he went to raise his hand to me I say around the age of 16. Let me tell you it was the last time he ever treied that even, I took my leg behind his and he was on the floor looking up at me. I said son you might be bigger than me but I won't EVER allow you to think you can get away with this.
As far as him going to lock up.. my oldest once stoled hubcaps, yes at 16. I made him spend the night in jail, scared the daylights out of him and when it was time to go to court.. I told the judge ahead of time make sure it just not " here is some candy go home". I told the judge give him 6 months probation to teach him.
My son is now 35 and even he says mom you sure were strict on us but you made us responsible mature adults and for that mom I thank you.
My younger son is now 25 and never been in any sort of trouble.. What I am saying is sometimes you have to say enough this will not be acceptable...
I know right now you think my son is just going through teen years but he is crying out for help and you MUST see to it he gets it.
CC if he will strike his mom -- NO woman is safe around him. When YOU let him disrespect you what lesson will/does he learn?-And no --to me "hitting" is not a answer --can you say the same about your son?- Savage
If it is not to late try to have a constructive conversation, I have learned from my own experince what life is like with a person like that and I know that is very hard for a mother also. Don't interfier autohorities you may loose contact with your son even further. He is in puberty everbody knows what life is like than.
Just try to be honest with him and tell him from the bottom of your hearth what you feel about him if he has simpaty he will feel u. Try to work on his moral pereception.
cc1968: My first post on "parenting" was last evening; entitled "Appropriate discipline for an out of control 18 year old." I was engulfed in raw emotions, like you are, took a risk to help my son, like you did. I received valuable replies, like you have. I did not receive wounding words - had I, I would have been devastated. You took a courageous step in asking for help, I could not imagine dealing with my son alone. I am not in your shoes, raising a child alone, I will not pretend to grasp the depth of your frustration, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual and financial. I applaud you for keeping your son, loving him and now realizing something is wrong. You need to take another courageous step and seek immediate help for yourself. Many suggestions were given you, I have another one. I am ignorant of exact names to community based counseling centers, perhaps future posters will provide you specifics. I know such organizations provide counseling at reduced fees or free. Make an appointment for YOURSELF. At that appointment tell the counselor exactly what you initially posted on this site, and allowhim or her to guide you through your nightmare.
My question is where do you think he learned the behaviour to hit. Was it from school, from friends, or was it from home. Is there any witness to fights between anybody to give him the idea that being physically abusive is okay?
Joe
I am very grateful for the obviously divinely orchestrated constructive assistance I received, as a new poster to "parenting" last evening. The word of God says, God's love is the very best love you can have. Therefore, I have to disagree with the Pastor that tough love is. Tough love = parents with a backbone. I want to remind CC, and the rest of us, no two children are alike, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. What worked for 9 kids, may not work for the 10th. Police involvement, lock them up, scare them, my way or the highway, to the curb with the trash, may break the 10th, iso it is not always the answer. Please keep in mind, teen suicide is at an all time high, it is unimaginable what our kids are enduring and trying to tell us by their acting out.
The men who hit their wives and children did not just arrive at that out of the blue. It is time now to get your child help. He needs to understand that hitting is wrong. Call the police. At this age, he will get forced counseling and you may just save his life. This is not punishing, not tough love, not abandonment, just correct, courageous parenting. It will break your heart, but is a chance to save your son.
Help him now, while they consider him a child and are willing to work with him, not later, when they will put him in jail or confine him in juvie. If you wait, he will end up in prison and you will wish you had been brave enough to save him back when...
If you can't do it for yourself and your son, do it for his future family.
I have walked a mile in your shoes, and it has nothing to do with bad parenting, ineffective discipline, or doing your best to turn things around.
In my case, it was mental illness with my teenager, and it took counselling, and other things to turn it around. The violence could happen on the turn of a dime, you never see it coming, and you certainly don't expect it.
It took broken bones for me to start pushing hard for mental health assessments, and hospital stays that were longer that 24 hours for yet another in a long line of assessments. The alternative was jail, and she was not a criminal. Time has proven me right, and I suspect it will you, as well.
I don't get the impression that you are going to give up, call the cops, and do the tough love thing. That doesn't always work for all teens in all circumstances. You need to be more creative in getting through to him, and very persistent in getting the help he needs to figure out what is going on.
There could be drugs involved, gangs; he could be dealing as well, dealing with dangerous people. I'm not saying he is, but something has caused this major change in his behaviour.
See if you can't get yourself in to see a youth counsellor. Let your son know that you are doing that so he does not think he has you isolated. Do some research online, print copies of what you find relevant, and leave them on the kitchen table. Don't turn away, face it, even if it is non verbal. He will see that you are not giving up on him, and hopefully he will not give up on himself.
I do feel for you, I know the heartache first hand. You need to be confident that you are doing the right thing (you are), and keep trying. Don't give up.
Youth Counsellors can offer valuable advice on how to manage your teen, and give you a lot of insight as to what may be going on with him. By taking this step, you may be preventing even worse behaviour down the road.
I would love to hear how you made out.
I completely understand what you're feeling, my daughter regularly hits me. There is so much I want to say, so much advice I feel I should give. But the reality is my advice is no good, I can't stop my daughter what can I say that would stop your son?
Having your child arrested is awful, the guilt, the shame you feel is unbelievable, but the sheer relief of having her out of the house for a few hours in un-measurable.
I guess the only thing that might be of any use to you is don't let it become normal. Do something now. I wish to god I had.
I'm going through the same thing but with two children and YES I called the police on them!! If I hit them I would be arrested!! With no questions. Just because you called doesn't mean he will do time it may be the only way for someone to see you need help. And guide you where to go for that help.
Well I understand what you guys are going through , I have a daughter who is 17 and will be 18 in 8 weeks she has, the worst attuide. She cursed at me and then I slapped her, after that we got into a fist fight . Do we as parents really have to fight our kids .after that she tock of in here car . I called the police and did a report for her arrest on demestic violence .
I feel if we allow these kids to walk over us they will , with corpral punishment out what do we as parents have left . Its time to get our kids back by standing firm, before they pass it on to the younger ones...
Don't let him get away with it! Next time it could be worse.
If he gets angry easily, and comes close to or does hit you, you know there is something wrong. Before that can happen, make him understand that if an anger management problem is the case, tell him that it is important to get the right support, and once he is on your side thinking that he could do some serious harm, make him agree to go to a councilor the next time he gets violent.
It's hard being a mother sometimes, but if one of my children ever had slapped me, I think I would have lost it. I hope you know the people on here are just trying to help. With your permission I will put you on a prayer chain. I don't know your name but the good Lord does. I might also add you have worked hard to raise him. You deserve to be treated like a mother. What will you do the next time he hits you ? We are concerned for the both of you. Please take the advice you have been given. BlessingsQuote:
Originally Posted by monkeydamyo
I know exactly what you are going through. I don't believe the right answere is to call the police. I think things would only get worse for your relationship. It is very easy for all those parents who have not been through this to give bad advice. I think you need to get some help for yourself first. You need someone totally impartial to help you with your feelings of sadness, guilt, desperation and endless others. When you are given tools to deal with this situation properly I truly believe your son will go with you to counseling. Jail is not going to fix the root of the problem. But you need time.
I would like to hear from the mom who started this topic. It's been 3 years, what happened? Any advice?
I'm going through the same thing, my daughter is 16 and verbally and physically abusive, she refuses to eat or drink until I give in. I finally last night had to call the police for both our safety. The police took her handcuffed out of my house, they told me immediately they couldn't keep her and if I would know someone she could stay with. Boy, I could've done that myself. I felt like the worst parent in the world, where did I go wrong? I didn't!!
I've been a single mom for 9 years now and her father is only once in a while in the picture, just enough to stir up trouble, make promises and disappear again. Her brother and father both are bipolar. I saw the bipolar in my son at an early age and got him the help he needed, by doing so, I totally neglected to see my daughters needs. Her attitude is screaming help, she will be psychiatrically evaluated today. By calling the police, the counselors have to act on it too.
And don't get me wrong, she is an extremely smart and an awesome child. A child every parent would want to have, until her outbreaks.
To all parents who have this problem: Don't give up, I stumbled on lots and lots of dumb advises, no help until you do the extreme thing. Just because you call the police doesn't make you a bad parent and it doesn't have to go on your child's record, but it sure sends a message to your child.
Good luck and god bless
Honestly my first thought is 'HIT THE LITTLE JERK BACK"
But yeah that solves NOTHING does it :P
Call the cops. Every time it happens. File assult charges against him and if he keeps it up he will get jail time.
My daughter hit me twice. Once with a water bottle (full one) and I called the police. They talked to her and left. Again recently she punched me in the nose... my husband didn't want me to call the cops, but did anyway. They came and listened to my story (she denied everything) and then told her she would 18 soon and that she could do whatever she wanted then... I couldn't believe they said that... I then told her and the cops that as long as she lived in this house she could NOT do whatever she wanted no matter what age. My husband said nothing and thinks that I get overly excited for nothing... I'm in therapy for myself, she won't go says it doesn't help because I won't do what she wants and its only to be able to get along with me since her life is great! I end up paying for missed visits. I would have liked the cops to take her away - instead I left that night but came back... won't be for too much longer. Either she goes or I go... my husband doesn't say anything.
Here is what finally worked for me:
I went to our family doctor and asked if there is a psychiatric evalution place I could take my daughter. Yes, There was, I took her and instead of doing an assessment, they changed it to an intake. (It's a behavioral center) After 10 days of her having to stay in that clinic, having 24 hour counseling and psychiatric treatment (incl. medicine) she was diagnosed with being homocidal and suicidal with major depression. She continues to see a psychiatrist and has counseling, she also changed her behavior towards me. She says she realized how much better off she is at home!
I'm a 16 year old girl. I used to hit my mother until I went to see psychologist and sorted our problems out.
Its been over a year and now its all started again. I feel awful, I want her to throw me out for her sake but she won't. I want her to beat me but she won't. Anything bad I get from her I deserve now. Also my father died a couple of years ago. I try to stop myself by punching something 'till my knuckles bleed... doesn't work. Communication is key. My mother doesn't ever want to listen to what I have to say. So communicate with your child. He needs help as I do. You think he does what he wants when he wants how he wants... what he is feeling is pure despair, if he's anything like me... Like I said before communicate... it works wonders.
I understand where you are coming from. I have a 15yr old who stands 6' 1" tall and looks me in the eyes and tells me I can't say anything to make him do what I want. He feels he can shove me and has done it several times,thrown things at me and pushed me into a wooden cabinet.
I understand what everyone is saying about calling 911. I even had the phone in my hand after my head was cut but it's my son.
My other two boys 10 and 13 have followed in their big brothers footsteps and disrespected me by calling me names and even hitting me.
I was relieved to see that others have this problem too..
I have a son who is 17yrs old and he is a football player and he has pushed me 2x the last one was today. I kicked him out. I love him yet I am tired and I need a break. I can not teach him anything as he needs to see how the streets teach him. I took his house keys and car. I gave him the car yet he does not appreciate anything. The police said he can go to juvie yet he will be out within 24hrs so that defeats my purpose I think. His father says he will only talk w/ him as he is not around. This time I just had to kick him out as I have 3 other children who are witness to this. He knows I have seizures and I can not be stressed. I am also looking for a job... I am tired.. very very tired. I don't understand his behavior, I have given him all I could being a single mom and not working. His father said he would get him after saying he would not. I took the cell phone away and I have tried different punishments. Yet, they seem not to work. I know he is sorry after he does something to me, yet that is no longer enough he needs to get him as do I. I think by putting him out in the streets and there is nothing more I can do... I just don't know.. finding a job is most important to me as I need to take care of my kids. He even took my Dr License and credit cards, I had to cancel them and I should not have to cancel them. His dad finally said he can go down there with him... this was something I did not want as I feel that I have not raised my children to the fullest I can raise them.. I had such dreams for him as he is a football player and getting letters, I am so mad as he is ing up.. (sorry to be so raw)... I am just a tired mom...
You need to call the police. My brother hit my mom once, and she didn't do anything because he was 'so sorry'. Things were good after that but as soon as he didn't get what he wanted, it happened again. It happened until I talked my mom into reporting it. I was never there when it happened, but my siblings told me.
You have to step up and be a mom, and do what's right for him.
Thank you for your answers as my son now lives with his biological father. He doesn't speak to me yet I am okay with that. I am less stressed and feel like I can breathe. He is learning a lot and I am praying for him. His father is a as well so the two of them will learn lots about each other
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